shufflingdead.com

This week’s planet is likely the last Planet of the Week. Seems I’ve run out of planets from my local system, though one day I might cover planets from other systems. Don’t go thinking I would have covered Pluto if scientists had decided to keep calling it a planet, I always maintained that it was not.

This week we honour Uranus, that great blue sphere. Uranus can be seen here rolling its eyes at all the stupid jokes made about its name. Uranus doesn’t much care for socializing.

Saturn is the Planet of the Week. Saturn is most famous for its rings, which is why I’ve embellished on them in the image. It seems like a lot of ill conceived cartoons, as well as many fantasies, including those of Frank Sinatra, involve walking on the rings of Saturn, which is why some poor idiot can be seen above, suffocating.

Venus is named for the Roman goddess of love, a name I find particularly fitting. You see, Venus’ atmosphere is a toxic doom of carbon dioxide, resulting in deadly hot surface temperatures. Pictured above, Venus can be seen holding in its toxic shame of womanhood.

The Planet of the Week is Neptune. Neptune can be seen here sad as hell, being the planet furthest from the sun, and very much alone. He was celebrating a few days ago when his nemesis Pluto finally got kicked out of the planetary club, but now Neptune wonders if anybody will bother visiting him anymore without his idiot neighbour around.

The Planet of the Week is Mercury. Mercury recently became the smallest of the now eight planets in the Sol system. It can be seen above utterly dwarfed by the nearby sun. In Sailor Moon, Sailor Mercury is the greatest and hottest of the Sailor Scouts due to her super hyper omega genius.

The planet of the week is Jupiter. Above, Jupiter can be seen smashing that pussy Neptune. You may also note that Jupiter is seen here with its Great Red Spot, planetary ring, and four Galilean moons. I have no idea if all of these things go around the planet at the same angle or direction, but I took the artistic root.

Jupiter is well known for being the largest planet in the Solar System. Sadly, it would not last long in a fight against most stars or even against some planets discovered in other Solar systems.

The planet of the week is Mars, seen here being molested by “Ares IV.” Ares IV is a fictional spacecraft piloted by Jackie Chiles from Seinfeld in the episode of Voyager called “One Small Step.”

Mars is the fourth planet from the sun, significantly smaller than Earth, pretty damn red in colour, and the central planet in a lot of terrible science fiction.

The inaugural Planet of the Week is Earth. In this image it can be seen devouring the smaller planet, Mars. This image may also symbolize the way in which I hope humans one day terraform and colonize Mars, then devour its resources.

Earth is my home planet. It contains the only known life in the universe, not to mention the only “intelligent” life known to exist. From the planet Earth springs humanity, a bipedal species bent on fucking with everybody else’s shit. Humanity is widely blamed for inhibiting me from getting laid.