Hello and welcome to Shufflingdead’s annual look back at the world’s most grueling and infamous two-day, liquor soaked, Pizza-Pop-encrusted sweat fest, the Nerd Olympics.
A special message from Newbs: We posted an opt-out sheet at Nerd Olympics for those who didn’t want to appear in the videos, but no such sheet was available for photos. We’ve never had a problem posting pictures from previous Nerd Olympics, but if you don’t want your picture to appear in this article, or on Shufflingdead more broadly, please let me know. For the Shufflingdead readership sick of hearing about Nerd Olympics, don’t worry, this article will be it until next year.
This year’s official slogan came from the classic film and Nerd Olympics favourite, Starship Troopers:
I can’t promise that this will be the last time I talk about this boring Tiger Woods scandal, but I sure hope it is.
Howard Stern held his Mistress Beauty Pageant, and three of Tiger’s ladies showed up to be judged by a panel of experts. Four had originally pledged participation, but one apparently dropped out, it’s not clear who that was or why she didn’t show. In any case, the judging, ogling, and objectification carried on for over an hour and a half before Stern and his panel finally came to a conclusion.
Loredana Jolie came in third place, Jaimee Grubbs got second, and Jamie Jungers finished first, taking home $75 000 in prize money from pageant sponsor AshleyMadison.com.
A tearful Jamie Jungers seemed truly moved by her win, stating “I just feel blessed” before thanking God. She says she plans to help move her family with the money.
Yesterday saw the release of the trailer of the trailer for the next Twilight movie, called Eclipse, and man, were people excited about that. Well, now we can all enjoy the full trailer, available above.
Highlights: overly dramatic dialogue, dreary locations, Robert Pattinson constantly looking like he’s going to throw up, albinos, “I’m in love with you and I want you to pick me instead of him,” and total incomprehensibility for anyone who hasn’t seen the other movies or read the books.
Have teenage girls and other Twi-hards scream constantly while you suffer through this cultural abortion June 30, 2010.
Do I really need to say anything? Sony just re-revealed their PlayStation motion device, now officially called the PlayStation Move. The device is in every way a clone of the Wii, and what that system did three and a half years ago, sans class, innovation, and aesthetic appeal.
Sony plans to underwhelm audiences this holiday season with Wii rip-offs like Sports Champions (you can probably guess what that title apes). Expect a package including a PS Eye (needed for this new device), PlayStation Move, and a game to retail for under $100. Bits and pieces of that package will also be available for lesser amounts.
The nunchuck attachment, which you can see alongside the Move pictured above, will be sold separately, and is called the PlayStation Move Subcontroller. Not kidding. Does Sony genuinely believe the casual audience which has embraced the Wii is in any way interested, or even capable of pronouncing, the “PlayStation Move Subcontroller”?
Rumor has it that famed girl-kisser Katy Perry is in talks to voice the sole female Smurf, Smurfette, in the upcoming live-action/CG-animated major motion picture The Smurfs.
Hey, if that’s true, I can’t disagree with the choice, although the very concept of a CG Smurfs movie scares me more than a little. Consider this: the original Smurfs were pretty friendly looking guys when they were simple 2D animations, but what would they look like as detailed 3D renders? Maybe it’s just the more carefully illustrated Smurfette images I just dredged up on Google Image search still haunting me, but I can’t picture these things being anything other than bulging blue abominations.
Perry would join Alan Cumming, George Lopez, and original Smurf-voicer Jonathan Winters as a Smurf, along with whatever human Neil Patrick Harris is signed up to play. No word on who will be playing Gargamel yet.
Following his pronouncement earlier this year that “those games they call ‘PlayStation’ are poison… some games teach you to kill,” Venezuela’s socialist president has returned for another round of game-hating.
Last Wednesday, a new law came into effect in his country called the “Prohibition of Violent Video Games and Toys,” and it pretty much precludes anyone from having any fun in Venezuela. Here are some of the new law’s highlights:
1. Violent video games: Video games or programs that can be use on personal computers, arcade systems, video game consoles, portable devices or mobile telephones, or any other electronic or telephonic device, that contain information or images that promote or incite violence and the use of weapons.
2. Violent toys: Objects or instruments that in form mimic any kind of weapon used by the National Bolivarian Armed Forces, weapons of war used by any other nation, citizen or state security forces, as well as those that, though not promoting war, establish the kind of game that stimulates aggressiveness or violence.
Article 13. Those who in any way promote the purchase or use of violent toys or video games as defined by this law will be punished with a fine of between 2,000 and 4,000 tax units.
Article 14. Those who import, manufacture, sell, rent, or distribute violent toys or video games will be punished with 3 to 5 years in prison.
This law seems rather broad. In addition to violent video games, it sounds like kids won’t have access to any kind of toy guns or toys with guns. Mr. Hugo Chavez must not have had a childhood.
The King of Kong is a film I find myself recalling often, being amused and entertained by it all the time, even without re-watching it. It turns out I’m not the only one who was moved by the movie, so was 35-year-old plastic surgeon Hank Chien. He started playing Donkey Kong after seeing the movie, and now he’s the new world champion.
Before the movie, Chien had played Kong once, and dismissed it, thinking “this game stinks.” After seeing the film, though, Chien decided to have another go, and began playing seriously in November 2008. By September of 2009 he had managed to score over a million points, and by February of 2010 he was feeling confident about breaking the record.
Chien’s record setting score stands at 1 061 700, a mere 11 500 points beyond famed mullet-man Billy Mitchell’s infamous record.
Chien’s great taste doesn’t end with film and classic games, it also extends to modern games. He’s a big fan of Super Mario Galaxy.
Sarah Palin, my sworn nemesis, recently visited the city of my birth to give a paid speech to throngs of adoring morons willing to pay $150-200 to bask in the glory of her ignorance.
Calgary is the galactic central core of Canadian conservatism, so it shouldn’t be too surprising that many residents would be fans of a woman who opposes “dangerous” ideals like universal health care. Speaking of which, Palin remarked during her talk that she was taken into Canada for health care during her childhood. She called that fact “ironic,” but I’m surprised she didn’t call it “confusing.” After all, according to Palin, Canadian-style health care is nothing but rationing and death panels. How the hell did she make it out alive?
The Globe and Mail profiled one fan in particular in their coverage of this event, someone named Stephanie Hansen; her story is especially disturbing. Hansen is an 18-year-old who visited the event wearing a pin with Palin’s face on it. She called the talk “enlightening,” despite admitting that she isn’t very knowledgeable about Palin’s politics. She explained “I admire how she can have a family and still be able to work as much as she does and everything she does.” It’s easy Stephanie; she doesn’t waste her time thinking.
Of the 1 200 who attended, about half gave Palin a standing ovation. For what, I’m not entirely sure, although I would guess it had something to do with her affirming their own misguided beliefs.
March 11th, 2010 by 
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