shufflingdead.com

Dear Kari Byron,

Every Sunday and Monday evening, and sometimes randomly for an entire day, I view you on my television, and wonder at your splendour. For several years now, you’ve been a shining beacon of hope in my life. While watching Mythbusters, I imagine myself working with you, exploding things with you, and fornicating with you.

I may be out of line here, I’m sorry if this is rude, but I was just wondering, could you go ahead and invent a time machine, then use it to undo your pregnancy? I’m just concerned that you might lose some of your bang-ability now that you’re a mother. Actually, that sounds like a good myth that you and I can test!

Here’s the plan: we get Grant to build a pre-pregnancy Kari-bot, I then plow both you and the robot repeatedly, keenly observing and carefully noting the subtle differences, and in so doing, determine who the better lay is.

I was just wondering, why am I not your replacement while you’re on maternity leave?

Totally busted (a nut),
Newbs

Dear Regina Spektor,

Jesus fucking Christ. You are an authentic citizen of the Soviet Union. I have your discography, and I listen to you when I’m walking, bussing, relaxing, and browsing Magic cards. I like to imagine that when you play the piano, those glorious breasts bobble up and down rhythmically with the music.

Boning you would be like riding a hoverboard on a rainbow shaped like soft-serve ice cream.

I have nothing else to say. I am in awe.

Eating Wonderbread,
Newbs

Dear Progressive.com Girl, Flo,

My television viewing skills have greatly diminished since my teenage years. It’s not that I’m watching less television (although I am), it’s just that I pay so much less attention. Where once, I could tell you, in detail, about Mazda’s Zoom Zoom kid, I don’t know a thing about you.

I saw you on TV today and thought, “damn, she’s hot.” Then I had to process for a moment to remember that I’ve been seeing you for years. With that realization, I decided that I should write you a letter and let you know how I truly feel. I hope doing so will properly engrave in my mind the attraction which I hold for you. Like last week’s Shirley Manson, you have both the DSL, and the bright red lipstick to remind me of that fact. I’m sorry, but it’s true. I don’t have a car, but I’d buy insurance from you if you would, you know, help me out.

By the way, your name is Flo, and that reminds me of menstruation, but that’s okay.

I’ll trick out your name tag,
Newbs

Dear Shirley Manson,

I am a long time fan of your work in Garbage, and would like to plead that you end the ridiculous hiatus the band is on. Please, go on tour, and include a date at a location convenient for me so that I may attend. It is vital that I see you in concert, so that I may act as a male groupie, and allow you to take sexual advantage of me.

I recently watched your many appearances on The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson on YouTube, and found them rather strange. Craig loves to point out that you’re both Scottish, and then immediately correct himself and declare that he is in fact not Scottish, as he is now an American. I find the man’s obsession with being American bizarre and kind of troubling. You should ask him if there’s something wrong with being Scottish, or indeed, with being any nationality other than American. Any time he has British people on, he asks them if they have become American citizens yet, and when they say no, he seems to insinuate that he’s a better person simply for being American.

In conclusion Shirley, if I may call you that, every time I see you, I have a sincere urge to copulate.

I’ll be your bad boyfriend,
Newbs

ps. I also liked it when your music showed up in the Daria TV movie “Is It College Yet?”

Dear Women I Ogle on Facebook,

You and I have had, as they say, a tumultuous relationship. Every once in a very great while, you post a picture of yourself that is truly magnificent. Some magical alignment of camera angle, facial expression, and cleavage occurs and I see you in a photograph that makes me feel genuinely lecherous. The fact that each of your photos has the potential to be one of these few fantastic ones is what keeps me coming back, but I find the ratio of your hot vs. boring pictures to be about the same as the good vs. shit ratio of the Wii library. That is to say, poor.

The vast majority of the time, there is at least one, and there are usually many, things wrong with what I’m seeing. The angle is off, you’re making a funny face, you’re posing with your friends (or even worse, your boyfriend), and the picture is rendered unusable.

I’m not saying you need to get into porn, I just feel that humanity would be much better served if you could slip me some erotic photos to help me out. If you’re not up for that, here’s my advice: you don’t have to always make a funny face, show some cleavage, and always kick your boyfriend out of the shot.

Clicking “like” for you,
Newbs