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Dear Christina Hendricks,

I’m worried about the direction of these Letters of the Week; they seem a little focused on the physical attractiveness of female celebrities. It’s just that whenever I go to find a picture of my latest letter target, I feel so overwhelmed by the hotness of my addressee that I am unable to resist.

Look, let’s just get through with this please. You’re a busty redhead, that’s the ultimate, the combo that kills. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’ll try to contain myself.

I just want you to know that while I may watch Mad Men eventually, I don’t right now. I’m a fan because of your work in Firefly, portraying the character Saffron. In the episode “Our Mrs. Reynolds,” your character pretends to be what one episode description calls “a nubile, willing redhead” (source), and I would add, subservient. Yes, she’s really a con artist, but I’m comfortable with forgetting about that part and just fantasizing about the other.

Again, I must apologize, I feel myself getting a little distracted by your rack… I mean your talent.

Not thinking about your cleavage,
Newbs

Dear Kari Byron,

Every Sunday and Monday evening, and sometimes randomly for an entire day, I view you on my television, and wonder at your splendour. For several years now, you’ve been a shining beacon of hope in my life. While watching Mythbusters, I imagine myself working with you, exploding things with you, and fornicating with you.

I may be out of line here, I’m sorry if this is rude, but I was just wondering, could you go ahead and invent a time machine, then use it to undo your pregnancy? I’m just concerned that you might lose some of your bang-ability now that you’re a mother. Actually, that sounds like a good myth that you and I can test!

Here’s the plan: we get Grant to build a pre-pregnancy Kari-bot, I then plow both you and the robot repeatedly, keenly observing and carefully noting the subtle differences, and in so doing, determine who the better lay is.

I was just wondering, why am I not your replacement while you’re on maternity leave?

Totally busted (a nut),
Newbs

Dear Regina Spektor,

Jesus fucking Christ. You are an authentic citizen of the Soviet Union. I have your discography, and I listen to you when I’m walking, bussing, relaxing, and browsing Magic cards. I like to imagine that when you play the piano, those glorious breasts bobble up and down rhythmically with the music.

Boning you would be like riding a hoverboard on a rainbow shaped like soft-serve ice cream.

I have nothing else to say. I am in awe.

Eating Wonderbread,
Newbs

Dear Progressive.com Girl, Flo,

My television viewing skills have greatly diminished since my teenage years. It’s not that I’m watching less television (although I am), it’s just that I pay so much less attention. Where once, I could tell you, in detail, about Mazda’s Zoom Zoom kid, I don’t know a thing about you.

I saw you on TV today and thought, “damn, she’s hot.” Then I had to process for a moment to remember that I’ve been seeing you for years. With that realization, I decided that I should write you a letter and let you know how I truly feel. I hope doing so will properly engrave in my mind the attraction which I hold for you. Like last week’s Shirley Manson, you have both the DSL, and the bright red lipstick to remind me of that fact. I’m sorry, but it’s true. I don’t have a car, but I’d buy insurance from you if you would, you know, help me out.

By the way, your name is Flo, and that reminds me of menstruation, but that’s okay.

I’ll trick out your name tag,
Newbs

Dear Shirley Manson,

I am a long time fan of your work in Garbage, and would like to plead that you end the ridiculous hiatus the band is on. Please, go on tour, and include a date at a location convenient for me so that I may attend. It is vital that I see you in concert, so that I may act as a male groupie, and allow you to take sexual advantage of me.

I recently watched your many appearances on The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson on YouTube, and found them rather strange. Craig loves to point out that you’re both Scottish, and then immediately correct himself and declare that he is in fact not Scottish, as he is now an American. I find the man’s obsession with being American bizarre and kind of troubling. You should ask him if there’s something wrong with being Scottish, or indeed, with being any nationality other than American. Any time he has British people on, he asks them if they have become American citizens yet, and when they say no, he seems to insinuate that he’s a better person simply for being American.

In conclusion Shirley, if I may call you that, every time I see you, I have a sincere urge to copulate.

I’ll be your bad boyfriend,
Newbs

ps. I also liked it when your music showed up in the Daria TV movie “Is It College Yet?”

Dear Women I Ogle on Facebook,

You and I have had, as they say, a tumultuous relationship. Every once in a very great while, you post a picture of yourself that is truly magnificent. Some magical alignment of camera angle, facial expression, and cleavage occurs and I see you in a photograph that makes me feel genuinely lecherous. The fact that each of your photos has the potential to be one of these few fantastic ones is what keeps me coming back, but I find the ratio of your hot vs. boring pictures to be about the same as the good vs. shit ratio of the Wii library. That is to say, poor.

The vast majority of the time, there is at least one, and there are usually many, things wrong with what I’m seeing. The angle is off, you’re making a funny face, you’re posing with your friends (or even worse, your boyfriend), and the picture is rendered unusable.

I’m not saying you need to get into porn, I just feel that humanity would be much better served if you could slip me some erotic photos to help me out. If you’re not up for that, here’s my advice: you don’t have to always make a funny face, show some cleavage, and always kick your boyfriend out of the shot.

Clicking “like” for you,
Newbs

Dear UltraNeko,

For the last two years, your channel on YouTube has been one of my favourites. I’ve found your combination of video game playing, commentary, and breasts to be highly entertaining and even inspirational. I’m finding life to be quite hard right now, UltraNeko, because for unexplained reasons, you’ve gone on extended hiatus.

You never became as hugely popular as some of your internet-game-reviewer compatriots like Yahtzee or AVGN, but you managed to collect a pretty sizable following. We, your following, in turn, dreamed of collecting your sizable breasts. Without your videos to greet me in my subscriptions box on YouTube, I’ve found my already dull life to have become just a little more empty.

I was thinking, if you genuinely refuse to do any more videos, that maybe you could at least come over and play some games with me. I know that that would be quite hard to accommodate as we live pretty far away from each other, but I think that you’d find me to be a highly enjoyable and erotic partner. For reference, I’ve included a couple of your videos which feature you wearing some of the things I’d like to see you wearing during your visit after the jump.

Staying infected,
Newbs


→ Continue reading Open Letter of the Week: UltraNeko

Dear Felicia Day,

We need to talk. Something’s been bothering me lately, but let me start out by expressing how utterly I lust for and worship you. You’ve popped up in all manner of bizarre and awesome places. You star in the greatest commercial of all time, you’re in the astounding Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog, and you sang “Still Alive” at PAX. For reference, I’ve included videos of all these things after the jump. All of these appearances have inspired in me a deep and enduring urge to fornicate with you.

Here’s the problem Felicia, I’ve been following you on Twitter along with several other celebrities like Wil Wheaton and Grant from MythBusters, but you just can’t compete. The other celebrity Twitterers always come up with interesting things to say, but with you, it seems like it’s always marketing for whatever you’re working on now. I’m sorry, but I’m just not interested in your new show or your visit to Comic-Con. I don’t have time for all of this, you’re smothering me!

Wishing you were sitting in a theatre beside me,
Newbs


→ Continue reading Open Letter of the Week: Felicia Day

Dear Samus as Depicted by REIQ,

Samus, I’ve been staring at you in this particular piece of artwork for many years, and so has much of the internet. It’s just that you are so preposterously busty in this image that I am mesmerized. Shapely doesn’t begin to describe your rack in this picture.

When I take the improbable leap of looking away from your chest for just a moment, though, I see evidence that you have escaped the bonds of gravity and even the human need for atmosphere. Could it be, Samus, that this portrait is a delusion of fantasy and not true to your experiences as a bounty hunter?

I was also wondering, since it comes up in this image as well as places in your games, where does that pistol of yours come from when you bust out of your suit? Is it just sitting in your arm cannon, waiting for the moment that your suit flies off, so that you can immediately start blasting space pirates?

Please Samus, come visit me in your Zero Suit as soon as possible so that we may clear up these issues.

Grapple Beam me any time,
Newbs

Dear Shigeru Miyamoto,

Look, I know I should be doing a lot of figurative fellatio right now, but there’s no time, so you’re just going to have to imagine I’m telling you what a great guy you are.

There’s something much more important at stake right now, that being Link’s handedness. He’s left handed, like me, like you. He’s been left handed ever since you had to flip his sprite in the original Legend of Zelda, and he should stay that way.

I can see you in this picture holding that sword in your left hand, just like our mutual friend Link, and I know that you really wish you could make the Wii version of Twilight Princess continue the Zelda series’ proud tradition of left handed propaganda. And I understand that you’re under a tight deadline, but please, just stop sleeping, hire some more people, and give us the option of choosing Link’s handedness. Don’t make me buy both versions of Twilight Princess just to reassure myself that Link really is left handed.

I have the same favourite movie as you,
Newbs