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This week’s Magic Card is Hymn to Tourach. As far as I can tell, this is about the greatest second-turn card in the history of Magic the Gathering. Beyond that, it represents that most feared and devious of Legacy decks, Mono Black Control.

Hymn to Tourach is an utterly hilarious and a devastating bomb of cataclysmic proportions when you manage to foist it upon your opponent in the early game. It’s especially potent when you start attacking with a third (or even first) turn Hypnotic Specter.

Imagine the following scenario: in just two weeks, you will be participating in the Magic tournament of your life, where the entirety of your honour rests on whether or not you win that tournament. Lose, and you will be forever shamed. Win, and receive a piece of plastic that reminds you of how awesome you are for an entire year. Do you play with your Hymn to Tourach equipped Mono Black Control deck, or do you bring your White-Blue control deck instead?

The Black deck seems a little more powerful, but the White-Blue deck seems a little more consistent. What do you choose? Then again, maybe neither answer is right. Maybe you should surprise everyone with a mono Blue Counter deck, or a White weenie deck. The truth is, the options are endless, and so is the glory to be won.

This week’s Magic card is Leatherback Baloth, another new awesome green creature from the Worldwake expansion set.

Although they fall slightly behind Elephants in the continuum of creature type honourability, my favourite Magic the Gathering tribe is Beasts. They tend to look like crazed dinosaurs that eat forests for breakfast, and when they team up, they have immense crushing power.

Worldwake’s offering of Beasts is pretty minimal, there are just two of them, and one of them is so poor it doesn’t even warrant entry into my Beast collection. The other though, is this mean mother to the left, Leatherback Baloth.

Imagine having this dude out on turn three (or two with mana acceleration) as an effective attacker and blocker in the early game, allowing you to build up to more Beasts, the kind that turn this guy into an indestructible, trampling juggernaut.

This week’s Magic card is Terastodon, a new creature from the Worldwake expansion set.

When you think of an honourable creature type in Magic, you will almost certainly think of a green-centric race. The list includes Beast, Bear, Wurm, and Treefolk, but none compare to the awesome honour of the noble Elephant. When I started playing Magic, Elephants were over-costed 3/3s that maybe had trample if you were lucky. We played with them because, goddamn it, they had some class.

Wizards has decided to honour that proud tradition by printing Terastodon, a 9/9 quadruple-tusked, multi-horned, behemoth of an Elephant. Here’s the best part: he costs 8, so when he comes into play, you can destroy three of your own forests to get yourself three 3/3 Elephant tokens, you still have enough lands next turn to play an Overrun and thus actually win with Elephants.

Imagine the following scenario: you’re playing the magical cards with one of your jerk friends who thinks he’s so great just because he’s slamming together a bunch of artifacts and blue cards into some kind of whimsical mystical mega-combo. As the game progresses, you find yourself falling further and further behind as he piles up his labia-esque merfolk into a grand army and all you’ve got is a rag-tag bunch of Grizzly Bears. Suddenly, you windmill down a Muraganda Petroglyphs and your fortunes reverse!

Now your previously questionable 2/2s are an unstoppable wrecking crew of 4/4s that can easily tear through his sad little fish people! You, with the help of your friends, the highly honourable Grizzly Bears, ultimately win the game.

Lightning Bolt was Magic Card of the Week once before, but the image to the left has inspired me to cover the card again, this time with greater detail.

Let’s say you’re playing some Magic against a friend who is piloting some kind of pussy deck with Wizards or Merfolk or some shit, and you’re just railing him with firey red ass-kick. You’re raining Fireballs and Goblin Grenades all over his sorry blue bastards, and you’ve knocked him all the way down to three life. Then, suddenly, you’re struck with the problem which all red mages must eventually face: you have no cards in your hand and your only permanents are a stack of Mountains and one Raging Goblin.

His blue vaginas are piling up, soon they will breach your horde of Mountains and come crashing down upon your lonely goblin. You do the only thing you can do, keep drawing and hope to hit the one card that will win you the game: Lightning Bolt. With nary a life point to spare, you draw the fabled card, stand up, wave your arms around, and feel the red mana flow through you as you get way too involved in the game, and deal lethal damage to your friend, the loser.

So, you’ve been looking at buying Magic cards, seriously thinking about what is and what is not worth the price. Sometimes, cards cost more than they’re worth, but you’re absolutely furious that you don’t own a playset of them.

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