shufflingdead.com

If you’re like me, you’re probably miserable and alone. As with all things in life, the internet offers a plethora of easy solutions for finding the perfect girlfriend/fuck-buddy/platonic-wank-buddy to solve this. As someone who has recently taken to trawling Craigslist for hot local singles and attempted to seduce women via a free online dating site, I feel qualified to help you get started in finding your perfect match. This article will detail my suggestions to men to help them succeed in online dating.

→ Continue reading For the Gentlemen: Successful Internet Dating

This copy of my famous dating resumé is obviously a whole year old. I needed to post it for completion’s sake, and because there might never be another edition!

Dear Human Female:

I am a University student, webmaster, and all-around excellent young gentleman currently seeking the companionship of a human female. I am willing to be a one-time intimate encounter, a participant in some casual dating, or even a serious boyfriend, plus anything in-between that you can think of.

→ Continue reading Dating Cover Letter, Resumé, and Letter of Reference as of November 16, 2007

A new year at University is a lot like a new year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. It’s a time for getting an education, battling the forces of evil, and trying to pick up women. I started this year of University, my third, with a fresh outlook; I was going to pick up women through blunt force, as an act of sheer will. With new classes there would be an innumerable number of new women, never before harassed by my undeniably brilliant person.

→ Continue reading Dating: Supplemental to the Official Report

Dear Human Female:

I am a University student, webmaster, and all-around excellent young gentleman currently seeking the companionship of a human female. I am willing to be a one-time intimate encounter, a participant in some casual dating, or even a serious boyfriend, plus anything in-between that you can think of.

I look to bring my passion, emotional stability, reliability, and interesting personality to a relationship with you.

Enclosed is a copy of my dating resume for your perusal. If you would be interested in pursuing my awesomeness further, you may contact me via email at newbs@shufflingdead.com.

Yours Truly,

Newbs

→ Continue reading Dating Cover Letter and Resume as of June 10, 2006

In all the crazy schemes that people have created to lure mates, all their brilliant ploys have had one incurable weakness, that is–until now. The problem is, of course, cock-blocking. The act of one’s friends, supposed friends, or mortal enemies interfering with your attempts to win the affections of whatever life ruining fuck-hole or fuck-stick that you happen to be after.

→ Continue reading Volcano!

The Emperor never came up with a scheme this great.

What is Project Reality? Project Reality is a great scheme, nay the greatest scheme, to get laid which I have ever devised. It is an all mighty and absolute regime which I will instigate upon my very own life, with the singular goal of picking up the ladies. At Project Reality’s core is this simple rule: forget everything I think I know about the female gender and do some really fucking crazy stuff with unrelenting voracity. This plan is not a specific series of tasks to complete, but more of a series of guidelines which I will follow en route to some sweet action. Though I am speaking for myself, any young man may follow my lead, by all means boys, hop aboard the Awesome train.

→ Continue reading Project Reality

Strippers actually wear these things, I’ve confirmed it.

Have you ever looked at your keyboard? I mean really looked? If you have a standard keyboard as I do, you might be able to notice the regular letter keys and the space bar form the shape of a woman’s crotch. Go ahead, cover up the extra keys with your hand and take a look, do you see it? This is like a test I guess, if you see it, then that probably means you’re a man who’s just come back from his first ever trip to the strippers. If you don’t see it, well I’m not sure what it means, that has nothing to do with strippers.

As you’ve probably guessed, I just had my first adventure to a so called “strip joint.” I’d like to start off by offering my take on the event. Once I got past the preposterous cover charge and the meddling waitresses, I started getting scared as hell of a few things. My anger turned to fear as it occurred to me that there’s always a chance of getting shot or stabbed; afterall, this is where Tony Soprano conducts business meetings. I started wondering if I’d be forced to interact with the strippers some how, hassled for money maybe, that sort of thing. All of that got pushed out of my mind pretty quickly though, and here’s how: there was a naked woman dancing on a poll in front of me. The great thing about the strippers is that the critics are completely wrong about them; it’s not demeaning to women and it doesn’t make them seem like objects. I found the point at which the girl tried to get money from me to be as intimidating as fuck. I realized just who had the power at that very point, she wasn’t being demeaned, I was. So what does this all mean, you might be asking? Well it means that seeing women take off their clothes on stage is better than seeing them do the same on video, but that it doesn’t make wank material.

→ Continue reading Ascension

Well here’s a lovely young lady. No, I’ve never “tapped that ass.”

You know what? It’s true what the movies say, it’s really easy to pick up chicks while attending University. After just one semester I’ve already gotten laid more times than I can count. Let me share with you now a few of the strategies that I’ve found to work best.

The first really successful strategy that I discovered was the “talking to attractive quiet girl strategy.” There had developed an odd scenario before a particular class of mine, where every day the same few people would get there really early to stand around in the hall and wait. Being the busy, important guy that I am, I was one of these people. I quickly noticed a girl at this little gathering that stuck out, she was hot. I’m not talking about any normal definition of hot, you know, involving big tits, dick sucking lips and a tight ass (though she did have the fairest body in all the land). I’m not even talking about any of those fetishes I have, she didn’t have red hair and freckles, she didn’t look really young and wear braces, and she didn’t wear a choker and gaming t-shirts. No, I mean that this girl somehow transcended all that into some kind of category of lovely that I cannot even define. One day I managed to talk to her before heading into class, I even managed to continue the conversation long enough that we went into class together and sat together. Why, before I new it we were talking all the time. Oh… uhh, second thought, I did not pick this girl up. She started ignoring and avoiding me after a few days. It was a positive learning experience though; start conversations with girls and you’re likely to end up with ones that have virtually no interest in saying anything to you. It’s impossible to get a girl if she doesn’t communicate her need for cock!

→ Continue reading How to Get Laid in University

Cheerleaders won’t fuck webmasters.

I have determined the secret of picking up women. The key is to target the correct audience. Basically, you want to go for girls who are just a little bit behind you age wise, wealth wise and skill wise. You also have to go for girls who actually have some kind of interest in you, sometimes they just dig certain guys.

Like most guys, most girls are shallow as fuck. Quite typically a guy will fall for a girl just looking at her, won’t worry at all about personality. Obviously, some guys are less shallow then others, and will get to know less attractive girls and actually date said girls. The ladies are much the same way, they’ll date poorer guys, but initially money and power are the things that draw them in. The initial attraction for a potential mate is by far the most important thing. That’s why you have to be goddamn smooth as hell if a girl finds out you aren’t Mr. Moneybags to actually be attractive to her.

Let’s look at an example here. There’s this lowly video store clerk. In his spare time he builds armor and plays video games. He has a friend who works with him, in his spare time he runs a website and plays video games. These two wind up with a little power in the work place, but it’s the guy building the armor who’s put in charge of hiring. He goes out and hires a young lady, a cheerleader. This cheerleader almost immediately starts getting hit on by the webmaster. For some inexplicable reason she turns down this intelligent, funny and likable young man. Quickly, she, the webmaster and the blacksmith become friends. Eventually she’ll start screwing the blacksmith. That’s because the blacksmith has more power, and more manly skills than the ingenious (and did I mention handsome) webmaster. Now, this on its own isn’t a lot of proof, let’s see what happens next. The blacksmith is still just a video store clerk during the day you see, and she’ll quickly tire of this guy. Eventually she’ll run off with his other friend, the one with money, a car and a house. Bam! Stolen out from under the video store clerks, the cheerleader is gone, lost for eternity (or maybe just a month) to the forces of money.

→ Continue reading Picking Up Ladies at Work Doesn’t Work

Anyone who has followed my so called “dating articles” would know that I have come up with many, many, many plans to trick girls into falling into so-called “serious” relationships with me. They would also know that somehow, somewhere along the way, that one of my plans worked and that for a time I was in one of these “serious relationships.” That’s all fine and dandy, but now I am on to something new. I have had something of a revelation you see, I am in my sexual prime and have yet to get laid. I am coming up on 19 years of age and I have squandered my time on far less pressing matters than that of the ultimate goal in life: pussy. THE AVERAGE AGE THAT PEOPLE IN MY COUNTRY LOSE THEIR VIRGINITY IS 16! The idea that all these little punk bastards are running around fucking each other while I’m sitting here getting old and most definitely not having sex is a travesty. Not only that, if I don’t get laid soon it’ll really throw off the average and we couldn’t have that. For all of these reasons I am launching a brand new life agenda, that being the “FUCKING FUCK SOMEBODY NOW” agenda.

→ Continue reading FUCKING FUCK SOMEBODY NOW