The Star Trek Advisor on Valentine’s Day Jitters

Dear Star Trek Advisor,

I am worried about Valentine’s Day coming up. I’m not sure what my girlfriend wants. Any ideas?

-Nervous About V-Day

IMAGE: STAR TREK. COPYRIGHT CBS PARAMOUNT STUDIOS.

This Week’s Advisor: Commander Spock

Nervous About V-Day, your conundrum is illogical. If you do not know what your mate wants, simply ask.

I understand that letting your mate know you are not omniscient can be… unpleasant. However, in that case, it may be necessary to remind your mate that you are not Vulcan, Betazoid or Ullian, and therefore do not have access to her mind. Depending on the woman, this has up to an approximately seventy-four point three six two percent success rate.

I have observed many Human courting rituals, some of which produce more positive results than others. Women, despite protests to the contrary, are often very fond of material gifts, fine food and drink, samples of vegetation, and gestures of chivalry. Some Human creativity may be required. As for what your particular female desires, I would highly recommend merely asking her.

Looking to spice up your love life with some Star Trek inspired help? Head on over to the contact page or use the comment form below to submit your question(s) today! The advisor is standing by.

For the Gentlemen: Successful Internet Dating

If you’re like me, you’re probably miserable and alone. As with all things in life, the internet offers a plethora of easy solutions for finding the perfect girlfriend/fuck-buddy/platonic-wank-buddy to solve this. As someone who has recently taken to trawling Craigslist for hot local singles and attempted to seduce women via a free online dating site, I feel qualified to help you get started in finding your perfect match. This article will detail my suggestions to men to help them succeed in online dating.

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Dating Cover Letter, Resumé, and Letter of Reference as of November 16, 2007

This copy of my famous dating resumé is obviously a whole year old. I needed to post it for completion’s sake, and because there might never be another edition!

Dear Human Female:

I am a University student, webmaster, and all-around excellent young gentleman currently seeking the companionship of a human female. I am willing to be a one-time intimate encounter, a participant in some casual dating, or even a serious boyfriend, plus anything in-between that you can think of.

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Dating: Supplemental to the Official Report

A new year at University is a lot like a new year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. It’s a time for getting an education, battling the forces of evil, and trying to pick up women. I started this year of University, my third, with a fresh outlook; I was going to pick up women through blunt force, as an act of sheer will. With new classes there would be an innumerable number of new women, never before harassed by my undeniably brilliant person.

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Dating Cover Letter and Resume as of June 10, 2006

Dear Human Female:

I am a University student, webmaster, and all-around excellent young gentleman currently seeking the companionship of a human female. I am willing to be a one-time intimate encounter, a participant in some casual dating, or even a serious boyfriend, plus anything in-between that you can think of.

I look to bring my passion, emotional stability, reliability, and interesting personality to a relationship with you.

Enclosed is a copy of my dating resume for your perusal. If you would be interested in pursuing my awesomeness further, you may contact me via email at newbs@shufflingdead.com.

Yours Truly,

Newbs

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