I Just Solved the Obesity Crisis. Thanks, Ubisoft.

Image: Assassin's Creed. Ubisoft.

I’ve been playing Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood in preparation for Revelations, and I had a rather interesting thought during my playthrough. There are only about three people in the entire world of the game that appear even the least bit overweight. Oh sure, you could blame this on the starving peasant class of the Middle Age setting of the game, but I’m not so sure that’s the reason.

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Everyday

Everyday, awaken

Shower, taken

Breakfast, bacon

Attire, wrinkled

Bus pass, crinkled

Donut, sprinkled

Train, missed

Feeling, triste

Coworkers, pissed

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The Star Trek Advisor on Valentine’s Day Jitters

Dear Star Trek Advisor,

I am worried about Valentine’s Day coming up. I’m not sure what my girlfriend wants. Any ideas?

-Nervous About V-Day

IMAGE: STAR TREK. COPYRIGHT CBS PARAMOUNT STUDIOS.

This Week’s Advisor: Commander Spock

Nervous About V-Day, your conundrum is illogical. If you do not know what your mate wants, simply ask.

I understand that letting your mate know you are not omniscient can be… unpleasant. However, in that case, it may be necessary to remind your mate that you are not Vulcan, Betazoid or Ullian, and therefore do not have access to her mind. Depending on the woman, this has up to an approximately seventy-four point three six two percent success rate.

I have observed many Human courting rituals, some of which produce more positive results than others. Women, despite protests to the contrary, are often very fond of material gifts, fine food and drink, samples of vegetation, and gestures of chivalry. Some Human creativity may be required. As for what your particular female desires, I would highly recommend merely asking her.

Looking to spice up your love life with some Star Trek inspired help? Head on over to the contact page or use the comment form below to submit your question(s) today! The advisor is standing by.

Games in Review #6 – Final Fantasy XIII

Image: Final Fantasy XIII box art. Square Enix.

Welcome back to Games in Review! Today we’ll be reviewing Final Fantasy XIII for the Xbox360. It is also available on the PlayStation 3.

Story

The game starts out in a world called Cocoon, a pinnacle of civilization when compared to the lawless, monster-infested boogeyman world of Pulse. The citizenry of Cocoon wet their pants at the mere mention of a Pulse invasion. Apparently there was a huge war way back. Whatever.

The story begins with a mass deportation being enforced on anyone from Cocoon who came anywhere near a Pulse Fal’Cie (really powerful magical bastards). The heroes of the game are suitably pissed, as most are on that list, so they eventually join up in a resistance against the Sanctum (Cocoon’s government).

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Canada Surrenders to Corporatist Forces, Internet Stolen

Image: Adapted from Bell Headquarters by Sweet One under a CC-BY-SA license.

I have a series of questions for our Canadian fans. Do you like the internet? Do you like using the internet for legal services such as gaming and Netflix? Do you like watching ShufflingDead’s videos in glorious high definition on YouTube?

If you said yes to any of the above, then you are, right now, in the process of receiving an almighty corporate cock-lashing.

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