Open Letter of the Week: Shirley Manson

Dear Shirley Manson,

I am a long time fan of your work in Garbage, and would like to plead that you end the ridiculous hiatus the band is on. Please, go on tour, and include a date at a location convenient for me so that I may attend. It is vital that I see you in concert, so that I may act as a male groupie, and allow you to take sexual advantage of me.

I recently watched your many appearances on The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson on YouTube, and found them rather strange. Craig loves to point out that you’re both Scottish, and then immediately correct himself and declare that he is in fact not Scottish, as he is now an American. I find the man’s obsession with being American bizarre and kind of troubling. You should ask him if there’s something wrong with being Scottish, or indeed, with being any nationality other than American. Any time he has British people on, he asks them if they have become American citizens yet, and when they say no, he seems to insinuate that he’s a better person simply for being American.

In conclusion Shirley, if I may call you that, every time I see you, I have a sincere urge to copulate.

I’ll be your bad boyfriend,
Newbs

ps. I also liked it when your music showed up in the Daria TV movie “Is It College Yet?”