Open Letter of the Week: Scarlett Johansson

Dear Scarlett Johansson,

What up Scarlett? Did you know that we’re almost the same age? Yup, you’re just eight days younger than me. Seeing as how we’re so close and all, I thought I’d take a minute to critique your body of work. You are mega hot almost beyond compare, but I think you could do some things to improve your career.

Honestly Scarlett, I think I was compelled to write this letter because I feel a little guilty. You were in my all-time third favourite movie, Ghost World, but I always had a much bigger crush on your co-star, Thora Birch. She was topless in American Beauty though, so maybe that’s been biasing me all these years. Just a thought, you should consider doing some nude work to rectify this.

You were also in my sixth favourite movie of all-time, Lost in Translation, but I always had a much bigger crush on your co-star, Bill Murray. His deadpan… everything is what did it for me. Actually, I don’t really have any advice for this one. No offense, but don’t even try to compete with that.

The only other movie I can remember seeing you in was the god-awful atrocity The Other Boleyn Girl. I’ve never seen so many poor English accents come out of so many American actors before. To your credit, your bad accent was exceptionally less bad and less distracting than Natalie Portman’s. If you see her, please tell her to stop doing bad English accents.

If you ever feel like marrying another Canadian, let me know,
Newbs