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An Open Letter to Natalie Portman

February 2, 2011 Open Letter No Comments

Image: Adapted from Natalie Portman by Josh Jensen under a CC-BY-SA license.

Dear Natalie Portman,

First off, you’re fucking Queen Amidala. Do you even realize how awesome that is? Queen “I gave birth to Darth Vader’s children” Amidala. Queen “I’m friends with Jar Jar Binks” Amidala. Queen “I fall for pick up lines involving sand” Amidala.

I was really hoping you could say something insulting about George Lucas, just between us. That would be hilarious. What’s in his neck pouch?

I frequently discuss on my website how terrible your fake English accent is, I hope you don’t mind. It was bad enough in V for Vendetta, but at least that was a watchable movie. On the other Bantha foot, The Other Boleyn Girl was one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, and it was just as bad there. Please, just stop.

I previously asked Scarlett Johansson to pass the message regarding your accent on to you, but you’ve got Your Highness coming out, so I don’t think you got it. Since it’s a comedy, maybe it’s part of the joke though.

Do you ever look at Photoshopped pictures of yourself on the internet? Yeah, I don’t recommend doing that.

I don’t like sand,

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