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Character Profile: Kirby

February 1, 2011 Character Profile No Comments

Image: Kirby Super Star Ultra. Nintendo.

Source: Kirby is the legendary pink… thing of the games which carry his name.

Vital Statistics: Kirby is a mere 8 inches tall, yet appears to be roughly the same height as other Nintendo mascots in Super Smash Bros., including the human and humanoid ones. He has also been described as “a living pink marshmallow,” but that might not be canon. In conclusion, he is pink. The rest is up for debate.

Something Disturbing: Although gamers across the internet never seem to get enough of the sexual and/or grotesque implications of Kirby’s giant mouth-body, Wikipedia tells me some Kirby material has implied that he is fairly young. I recommend we continue to ignore these hints for the purpose of comedy.

Fury Factor: Kirby’s own games are generally quite easy, with some not even allowing him/you to die. Having said that, I’ve seen Kirby box significantly above his punch class (or whatever sports analogy I am trying to make) in Super Smash Bros. As such, I award Kirby a fury factor of 2300.01.

What you just read: In the Summer of 2006 I started up a feature called “Prehistoric Organism of the Week” with the intention of MS-Painting dinosaurs for amusement. I then abandoned that feature a couple months later and started up “Game Character Q&A of the Week” so that I could make sexual innuendos about Tetris pieces. This lasted all of two entries. In September of 2009 I rebranded “Prehistoric Organism of the Week” as “Creature of the Week” so that I could MS-Paint Pok√©mon. Now, in early 2011, I’ve decided to pull all of these things together into the feature you just read, simply called “Character Profile of the Week.” All of this is to say we don’t know what we’re doing here at ShufflingDead, but we ask that you just roll with it.

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