Religion vs. scary Twilight vampires sent by Satan

Twilight may be an abomination unto literature, but did you know it’s an abomination unto God as well? That’s according to Mark Driscoll, the hip Seattle pastor (see, he’s hip because he dresses like the cool kids and has charisma) watchable above.

If you didn’t know, books about vampires contain subject matter like “sorcery, witchcraft, divination, [and] wicca,” not to mention dead people who talk to you from beyond the grave. That shit is the Devil’s work, says Driscoll.

I don’t think the pastor needs to worry too much, I’ve heard his buddy Jesus can hold his own against vampires pretty well.

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Don’t Worry Folks… Harry Potter Still Rocks

Part I: According to Fanfiction.net,
Harry Potter Still Rocks

Guilty secret: I read fan fiction.

Perhaps you’ve never heard of it. Fan fictions, affectionately known as fan fics, are basically self-explanatory. It’s “new” works of fiction written by fans of certain literature. Hence, fan fiction. The stories are based on the characters and environments in the original work. I liken it to music, where musicians regularly cover each others’ work to create something new and different, but made from the same base. For example, a Harry Potter fan fiction may contain a plot where Lily leaves a letter for Harry to read in the future, confessing that Severus Snape is actually his father, not James Potter. Or a Lord of the Rings fan fiction may revolve around a complicated romance between Legolas and Aragorn. Anything can happen. In fact, some fan fics can get pretty smutty, spelling out the romantic and lusty scenes we all envision between our favourite pairings that never actually get published. Or even acknowledged by the author, depending.

… Continue Reading

Another dubious honour for Twilight: Taylor Lautner fan fiction reigns

I’m not exactly certain how my source arrived at this conclusion, but somehow, WattPad lists Taylor Lautner as the most written-about real-life person in fan fiction. Yes, a man who many confused youngsters believe can turn into a poorly CGI’d werewolf is the object of more gross, usually sexual, penned fantasies than anyone else.

The rest of the list includes Megan Fox, Dakota Fanning, Taylor Swift, Zac Efron, and a bunch of people I’ve never heard of. 5/10. Am I old and out of touch yet? The full list:

1. Taylor Lautner
2. Selena Gomez
3. Chace Crawford
4. Megan Fox
5. Ian Somerhalder
6. Dakota Fanning
7. Ashley Greene
8. Logan Lerman
9. Taylor Swift
10. Zac Efron

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Twilight: Eclipse tangentially related to man’s death

A New Zealand man has been found dead in a theatre following his viewing of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse.

The film, which follows the ongoing struggle of Bella Swan to choose which tall dark and handsome man she will have post-marital sex with, has already grossed over $180 million worldwide. There is little doubt in my hopeful mind that this vapid crumb of pop culture detritus is responsible for the film-goer’s death.

The homeless man was found “slumped forward in his chair” after the movie concluded, and emergency personnel were unable to do anything. The weighty substance of teenagers doing stupid things had set his soul free to run eternally with the great wolf pack in the sky.

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Rampaging Twihards descend upon Eclipse premier

The swarming locusts of Twilight fandom have assembled a tent city in Nokia Plaza, Los Angeles for a chance to see the Twilight cast as they arrive for the Eclipse premier. Eclipse is the latest in the Twilight series of cinematic embarrassments.

Wristbands are being handed out to OVER 9000 Twitards on a first-come, first-serve basis leading up to the arrival of the Twilight cast’s walk down the red carpet on Thursday.

Apparently, some fans will end up waiting four days to witness the momentous occasion of three awkward, untalented teenagers taking a brief walk. Even re-watching the abominable Twilight movies sounds more entertaining to me.

CNN has declared on behalf of all Twiards that seeing the new Twilight movie “at midnight on the day it’s released after having a marathon session of the first two films” to not be enough. As someone who did precisely that at the launch of the third Lord of the Rings film, I have to say that that is exactly enough for an obsessed fan of any movie franchise.

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