An Open Letter to Natalie Portman

Image: Adapted from Natalie Portman by Josh Jensen under a CC-BY-SA license.

Dear Natalie Portman,

First off, you’re fucking Queen Amidala. Do you even realize how awesome that is? Queen “I gave birth to Darth Vader’s children” Amidala. Queen “I’m friends with Jar Jar Binks” Amidala. Queen “I fall for pick up lines involving sand” Amidala.

I was really hoping you could say something insulting about George Lucas, just between us. That would be hilarious. What’s in his neck pouch?

I frequently discuss on my website how terrible your fake English accent is, I hope you don’t mind. It was bad enough in V for Vendetta, but at least that was a watchable movie. On the other Bantha foot, The Other Boleyn Girl was one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, and it was just as bad there. Please, just stop.

I previously asked Scarlett Johansson to pass the message regarding your accent on to you, but you’ve got Your Highness coming out, so I don’t think you got it. Since it’s a comedy, maybe it’s part of the joke though.

Do you ever look at Photoshopped pictures of yourself on the internet? Yeah, I don’t recommend doing that.

I don’t like sand,
Newbs

Open Letter of the Week: Scarlett Johansson

Dear Scarlett Johansson,

What up Scarlett? Did you know that we’re almost the same age? Yup, you’re just eight days younger than me. Seeing as how we’re so close and all, I thought I’d take a minute to critique your body of work. You are mega hot almost beyond compare, but I think you could do some things to improve your career.

Honestly Scarlett, I think I was compelled to write this letter because I feel a little guilty. You were in my all-time third favourite movie, Ghost World, but I always had a much bigger crush on your co-star, Thora Birch. She was topless in American Beauty though, so maybe that’s been biasing me all these years. Just a thought, you should consider doing some nude work to rectify this.

You were also in my sixth favourite movie of all-time, Lost in Translation, but I always had a much bigger crush on your co-star, Bill Murray. His deadpan… everything is what did it for me. Actually, I don’t really have any advice for this one. No offense, but don’t even try to compete with that.

The only other movie I can remember seeing you in was the god-awful atrocity The Other Boleyn Girl. I’ve never seen so many poor English accents come out of so many American actors before. To your credit, your bad accent was exceptionally less bad and less distracting than Natalie Portman’s. If you see her, please tell her to stop doing bad English accents.

If you ever feel like marrying another Canadian, let me know,
Newbs

Open Letter of the Week: Milla Jovovich

Dear Milla Jovovich,

No offense, but how the hell is your name pronounced? My-la? Me-la? Jo-vo-vich? Ho-vo-vich? Yo-vo-vich?

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that The Fifth Element is one of the greatest movies ever made. The number of times I’ve seen that film, and thus your nipples, is beyond calculation. Surely, its vivid colour scheme and general wackiness can never be topped. Its unique blend of sci-fi, fantasy, pop-culture, orange hair, fake languages, and blue tentacles represents an unscalable mountain of quality. Bruce Willis, Gary Oldman, Ian Holm, Chris Tucker, and you are a quintet of acting supremacy. Zoolander was good too.

Since I’ve got you here, I was hoping I could put in a request. I know you guys love putting cliffhangers at the ends of the Resident Evil films, but do you think you could pick one (let’s say the sixth) to be the last, and end it definitively? That would really help me out, since as bad as those things are, I care for some inexplicable reason.

Still regretting my viewing of Ultraviolet,
Newbs

Open Letter of the Week: Christina Hendricks

Dear Christina Hendricks,

I’m worried about the direction of these Letters of the Week; they seem a little focused on the physical attractiveness of female celebrities. It’s just that whenever I go to find a picture of my latest letter target, I feel so overwhelmed by the hotness of my addressee that I am unable to resist.

Look, let’s just get through with this please. You’re a busty redhead, that’s the ultimate, the combo that kills. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’ll try to contain myself.

I just want you to know that while I may watch Mad Men eventually, I don’t right now. I’m a fan because of your work in Firefly, portraying the character Saffron. In the episode “Our Mrs. Reynolds,” your character pretends to be what one episode description calls “a nubile, willing redhead” (source), and I would add, subservient. Yes, she’s really a con artist, but I’m comfortable with forgetting about that part and just fantasizing about the other.

Again, I must apologize, I feel myself getting a little distracted by your rack… I mean your talent.

Not thinking about your cleavage,
Newbs

Image: Adapted from Christina Hendricks @ the Serenity Premiere by RavenU under a CC-BY license.

Open Letter of the Week: Kari Byron

Dear Kari Byron,

Every Sunday and Monday evening, and sometimes randomly for an entire day, I view you on my television, and wonder at your splendour. For several years now, you’ve been a shining beacon of hope in my life. While watching Mythbusters, I imagine myself working with you, exploding things with you, and fornicating with you.

I may be out of line here, I’m sorry if this is rude, but I was just wondering, could you go ahead and invent a time machine, then use it to undo your pregnancy? I’m just concerned that you might lose some of your bang-ability now that you’re a mother. Actually, that sounds like a good myth that you and I can test!

Here’s the plan: we get Grant to build a pre-pregnancy Kari-bot, I then plow both you and the robot repeatedly, keenly observing and carefully noting the subtle differences, and in so doing, determine who the better lay is.

I was just wondering, why am I not your replacement while you’re on maternity leave?

Totally busted (a nut),
Newbs