Rumor has it that famed girl-kisser Katy Perry is in talks to voice the sole female Smurf, Smurfette, in the upcoming live-action/CG-animated major motion picture The Smurfs.
Hey, if that’s true, I can’t disagree with the choice, although the very concept of a CG Smurfs movie scares me more than a little. Consider this: the original Smurfs were pretty friendly looking guys when they were simple 2D animations, but what would they look like as detailed 3D renders? Maybe it’s just the more carefully illustrated Smurfette images I just dredged up on Google Image search still haunting me, but I can’t picture these things being anything other than bulging blue abominations.
Perry would join Alan Cumming, George Lopez, and original Smurf-voicer Jonathan Winters as a Smurf, along with whatever human Neil Patrick Harris is signed up to play. No word on who will be playing Gargamel yet.
The King of Kong is a film I find myself recalling often, being amused and entertained by it all the time, even without re-watching it. It turns out I’m not the only one who was moved by the movie, so was 35-year-old plastic surgeon Hank Chien. He started playing Donkey Kong after seeing the movie, and now he’s the new world champion.
Before the movie, Chien had played Kong once, and dismissed it, thinking “this game stinks.” After seeing the film, though, Chien decided to have another go, and began playing seriously in November 2008. By September of 2009 he had managed to score over a million points, and by February of 2010 he was feeling confident about breaking the record.
Chien’s record setting score stands at 1 061 700, a mere 11 500 points beyond famed mullet-man Billy Mitchell’s infamous record.
Chien’s great taste doesn’t end with film and classic games, it also extends to modern games. He’s a big fan of Super Mario Galaxy.
People with the discerning sort of taste like mine who have seen 1995’s Hackers a dozen or more times will be very familiar with the film’s villain, one Eugene “The Plague” Belford. The actor who played Mr. The Plague is named Fisher Stevens, and he was all kinds of awesome in the 80s and 90s, also starring in classics like Short Circuit and Super Mario Bros.
Well, it seems this villainous looking goateed man wasn’t doomed to obscurity like I had assumed, he’s actually become a successful director, and he just won an Oscar for producing 2009’s Best Documentary Feature, The Cove. Fisher’s film takes a look at Japanese dolphin hunting in Taiji, Wakayama with an opposing view. You wouldn’t think a man who looks like a cartoon villain would be capable of that kind of compassion, but Fisher is a surprising man. Then again, his film has been quite controversial in Japan, with the mayor of Taiji saying it makes claims “not backed up by scientific proof.”
The best films of 2009 were supposedly honoured last night at the 82nd Academy Awards. The experts rightly guessed that The Hurt Locker would pick up the Best Director and Best Picture awards. Those results come as sweet relief for me, I was convinced the academy wouldn’t be able to help themselves give Cameron a chance to make an ass of himself on stage.
Sadly, the real best picture of the year, Star Trek only picked up one award, although it was the first for the series. That award was for Best Makeup, and perhaps as a small consolation to nerds everywhere, Ben Stiller came out to present it in full Avatar-makeup. District 9, last night’s other sci-fi underdog didn’t pick up a single award, demonstrating once again the horrendous bias against science fiction the academy holds.
All-time coolest dude Jeff Bridges won Best Actor, which I can definitely live with. I was hoping for anyone but Sandra Bullock to win Best Actress, and so, of course, she did.
As is tradition right before the Oscars, the worst films of 2009 have been dishonoured at the annual Razzie Awards. The big winner/loser this year was, most deservedly, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, which was awarded worst screenplay, worst director, and yes, worst picture of 2009.
My hatred for Sandra Bullock has weakened slightly due to these awards, she actually showed up to accept her Razzie, she won worst actress for her role in All About Steve. You can see the video above. Other dishonourees included The Jonas Brothers as worst actor(s) for their performance in Jonas Brothers: The 3-D Concert Experience, Billy Ray Cyrus as worst supporting actor for Hannah Montana: The Movie, and Sienna Miller with worst supporting actress for her work in G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra.
This year, The Razzies celebrated their 30th anniversary by naming some of the worst in film for the decade just past. Battlefield Earth was named worst picture of the decade, Eddie Murphy was awarded worst actor of the decade for more roles than I can list, and Paris Hilton won worst actress of the decade for performances like her turn as “the hottie” in The Hottie & The Nottie.
Conan O’Brien’s internet usage came around only after years of failed attempts at starting a career in real-world entertainment. He had brief stints as a writer for The Simpsons and Saturday Night Live before landing a gig as host of an obscure late night talk show called Late Night. O’Brien flirted with real success when he was promoted out of that bleary late-night/early morning vacuum into his dream job as host of the Tonight Show. O’Brien quickly found that position to be ill-suited to his dedication to quality and originality; he was fired soon after accepting the job.
It was only after these many years of struggling with the hardships of the real-world entertainment industry that O’Brien finally found his place, and it happened to be on the internet. On February 24, 2010, O’Brien got a Twitter account, and his career took off with immediate and explosive success. At last, O’Brien had found his place.
Conan’s Twitter is a stunning piece of internet humour done right. He posts with an unobtrusive reliability, and always has something amusing to say. Take, for example, this early message: “This morning I watched Remington Steele while eating Sugar Smacks out of a salad bowl. I was naked.” Now that’s good writing.
O’Brien’s latest spark of creative internet genius was to announce the first person he would follow with his account, Michigan resident Sarah Killen. His wit drove thousands to her humble Twitter account, and she has quickly gone from 3 to 11 000 followers. That’s the power of real internet celebrity.
Conan O’Brien, Shufflingdead salutes you for being one class act.
The 82nd annual Academy Awards are airing this Sunday, and you know what that means, it’s two days until James Cameron climbs up on stage and thanks his adoring fans for worshiping the giant blue gods he created and then smashed into the script for Pocahontas.
This year’s best picture race is a peculiar one. The Academy decided the show wasn’t getting enough viewers from the “unwashed masses” demographic, and so they opened up the ultimate category to ten nominations instead of the usual five, with the hope that more mainstream films would get included. Well, their little plan seems to have worked, Avatar, Up, District 9, and even The Blind Side are all best picture contenders this year.
Since I felt compelled to make an Oscar post anyway, I might as well include my predictions as well as personal preferences for some of the major categories.
Best Picture:Avatar will win, Cameron’s acceptance speech will consist of him trying to think of a line from his film to quote, then realizing the dialogue was so poorly written that nothing stands out. My preference: District 9.
Best Director: Kathryn Bigelow will win for The Hurt Locker, crowd members will clap politely, not having seen the film themselves. My choice: Jason Reitman for Up in the Air, because he’s the son of Ivan Reitman.
Best Actor: Prediction and preference: Morgan Freeman for playing Nelson Mandela in Invictus. He’s Morgan Freeman.
Best Actress: Prediction: Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side because the world hates me that much. My choice: anyone but Sandra Bullock.
Futurama’s one of my all-time favourite shows, so it is to my great personal pleasure to announce that Bender and crew are back! Comedy Central will be airing the first twelve episodes in June, and more are apparently on their way after that. Did I mention that the original voice crew is back as well?
Critics of the show claim that watching it will give you an “ugly face like Fergie, because the show is cheap like homemade cheap meth.” That probably explains a lot, I’ve seen every episode at least a dozen times.
The recent straight-to-DVD movies were decent, although not quite as snappy as the original show. Hopefully these new episodes will be a return to form.
This week’s Star Trek episode is “11:59,” Voyager’s fifth season tribute to sleep.
Plot: This episode flips between Janeway slowly coming to the sad realization that her ancestor, Shannon O’Donnell, was not an astronaut, did not work on any Mars missions, and was a mere consultant on the Millennium Gate, and the tale of the real Shannon O’Donnell, who was, in fact, just as boring as Janeway discovers her to be.
Character Development: In this episode, we learn that Janeway is a fraud of a scientist and researcher. Despite having lived a cushy Federation life, with unimaginable amounts of information easily available, she has never been bothered to do any serious research into the family history which inspired her career. She also believes that the Great Wall of China was one of the few man-made objects on Earth visible from space prior to the 22nd century, an absolute myth.
Forehead of the Week: Since there are no new real aliens introduced in this episode, I’m going to go with Janeway’s doppelganger ancestor, Shannon O’Donnell. In this episode, the crew of Voyager, along with the viewing audience, is subjected to the dull tale of O’Donnell, a consultant on a building project. Her only noteworthy characteristic is her predatory sexual nature toward geriatrics.
For years we’ve had to endure Jenny McCarthy’s ignorant rantings about how childhood vaccinations supposedly caused her son’s autism, despite a complete lack of scientific evidence, along with her insistence that chelation therapy actually did something to help him. Well, now Jenny’s theories have been thoroughly laid to rest, and that’s a great reason to make her Shameful Human of the Week.
It seems her son never actually had autism, but rather “a rare childhood neurological disorder” called Landau-Kleffner syndrome. LKS can cause speech impairment and neurological damage, but affected children have been known to regain their language abilities. That would explain why her son kept getting better, despite her fake science having long been proven bullshit.
Jenny’s backpedaling like crazy. She’s decided she just wants vaccines better researched, and not eliminated entirely, as she once pushed for. McCarthy claims that she will continue to be a voice for autism, although I would hope all of this finally ends the shred of credibility the mainstream press was giving her.
As a formal apology for making the world dumber, and for endangering the health of everyone by publicly promoting the boycott of vaccines, I’d like to see McCarthy free Jim Carrey and return him to reality.
March 10th, 2010 by 
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