Image: Adapted from Pride and Prejudice_004 by sheksays under a CC-BY license.

Keira Knightley and her five-years-too-long boyfriend Rupert Friend called it quits sometime over the holidays.

Sources say something about strain on the relationship as a result of paparazzi photographing them made Friend more and more uncomfortable. Isn’t he an actor too?

Anyway, the good news is that this gives DMUSER the opening he has been waiting for to get back together with the Pirates of the Caribbean hottie, who he dated briefly in our SDGR videos. It also gives me the chance to jeopardize our friendship by stealing his hot girlfriend.

Taking this in light of Scarlett Johansson’s recent return to the realm of single, ShufflingDead’s staff’s time spent drooling over single celebrities is expected to multiply by twelve.

Source: SF Examiner

Image: Adapted from Solo Acoustic by jenniferlstoddart under a CC-BY license.

Jewel has no thematic link with ShufflingDead whatsoever, except breasts, I guess. That’s why I wrote her an open letter six years ago, and why I’m about to write a news story about her, anyway.

The folk singer is pregnant. Now, you might think that would upset me, especially since it’s with her pro-rodeo husband, Ty Murray. Believe me, it does, but there are upsides to this news as well.

As CNN commenter afactchecker notes, “Looks like her b00bies will finally plump up. Oh wait….” Aww yeah.

Source: CNN

Image: Adapted from Pete Postlethwaite - man, this guy's in EVERYTHING! by Daveybot under a CC-BY license.

There are only two things I remember about The Lost World: Jurassic Park. 1. Jeff Goldblum’s obnoxious gymnast daughter who didn’t look much like him. 2. Pete Postlethwaite saying “let’s get this moveable feast underway.” Postlethwaite also appeared in everything from Alien 3 to The Usual Suspects and Romeo + Juliet to Inception.

Postlethwaite was 64, he died of testicular cancer.

Source: CNN

Image: Adapted from IMG_0360bis by Luni's under a CC-BY license.

Winona “Spock’s Mom” Ryder doesn’t use the internet. That shocking revelation comes from an interview the actor did with Elle magazine. She told the publication “I have my e-mail on my BlackBerry and that’s about it.” The most offensive item to note in this story is that Shoppy McShoplifterson has, in her own words, “never read a blog, ever.” That’s right, Lydia Deetz has never read ShufflingDead, and probably never will. “Strange and unusual” indeed.

Image: U.S. federal government.

Poor Ryan Reynolds, that headline writes itself.

Queen Hotness of the Universe Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds have ended their relationship. That means the star of two of my six favourite films (Lost in Translation and Ghost World) is available for wooing. The pair were married for two years.

A special message to Scarlett: If you’re looking for another Canadian, one with about 8 less chiseled abs to contend with, you let me know.

In vaguely related news that should help pad the word count of this post, Johansson’s Ghost World co-star Thora Birch has been fired from an off-Broadway production of Dracula. Her father/manager supposedly threatened one of the other actors in the play.

A host of celebrities have rallied behind the leadership of Alicia Keys and flung their digital lives into a digital incinerator in support of HIV/AIDS awareness and aid.

Involved in this scheme are big deals like Usher, Kim and Khloe Kardashian, Lady Gaga, Ryan Seacrest, Justin Timberlake, and of course Alicia Keys herself. They’ve all pledged their digital lives to the cause, so they’ve abandoned Facebook and Twitter until $1,000,000 has been raised towards the relief of the HIV afflicted in Africa and India to buy their lives back.

An admirable idea for a charity drive in an age where a growing number of people out there can’t go without checking their Facebook every 12 minutes. Now the world just needs to decide if they really want some of them back. Do we need to know when Ryan Seacrest is being a douche or when Usher is Makin’ Love in this Club?

Source: Keep a Child Alive
Image: Kim Kardashian, BuyLife.org

Celebrities, like all people, tend to die. And if you are a crazy person who makes up patterns to distract yourself from the horrors of reality, they tend to die in threes. Well, we’ve sadly got two so far.

First up is Leslie Nielsen. The legendary Canadian comedic actor died Sunday at age 84 with pneumonia to blame. That’s pretty old, but the man was still turning up in (terrible) stuff all the time. Of course, most people will “Shirley” (ugh) remember Nielsen for classics like Airplane! and the Naked Gun series, but Dracula: Dead and Loving It amuses me more than it probably should.

Next is Irvin Kershner. His death was reported today, and he lived to 87. You might not be familiar with the name, but you are familiar with Kershner’s work: he directed Empire Strikes Back, the most awesomely awesome (and least cheesy) of the Star Wars films. Kershner also directed Never Say Never Again and that pinnacle of crazy, Robocop II.

So if it is a pattern you demand, who will be next? Bill Nye collapsed during a speech back on November 16th, but then he got back up after a few seconds, so it probably won’t be him. Liam Neeson’s name sounds like Leslie Nielsen, so that rumour has already been started. Jeff Goldblum survived his last death in 2009, maybe he’ll be up for it again.

Image: Adapted from Leslie Nielsen (on an airplane). Photo by Alan Light. Used under a CC-BY license.

What you see is no standard photo series, however. Murakami purposefully made the photos to resemble scenes taken from the manga My Wife Is A Grade Schooler. The manga was used as an example of sexualized young-looking characters back when Japan was looking at banning such depictions (although My Wife Is A Grade Schooler is gag manga and its material was intended to be social commentary).

Murakami’s photographic recreations with Britney Spears are intended to show such manga as art. Murakami says “I thought it should be immortalized as an artistic event to be marked in history. I am an artist. Because of this, I did what artists do.”

[source]

IGN has put together a list of their top 100 Star Wars characters. You can check it out if you like (Darth Vader/Anakin Skywalker took first place), but the real fun is in the video above.

You’ll hear celebs chat with varying levels of competency about who their favourite characters are. Most importantly, you can discover that supposed nerd mogul Jerry Bruckheimer, the producer behind the likes of nerd film properties The Sorcerer’s Apprentice and Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time, is a fan of “Chewy-Bach.” Huh, must be an Expanded Universe creation.

The media hasn’t really known what to do with this important surfacing of a Nintendo mascot in mainstream culture. The Daily Mail‘s story on the topic has been edited multiple times, exposing shocking ignorance. They at first described the great inhaler as a “pink cat,” then changed that to a Pokémon, before finally settling on Kirby. Although they still seem to think Kirby is a cat. At least Perez got his name right.

Brown joins the elite club of Nintendo-loving celebrities, which also includes the likes of Eminem, Kevin Federline, and Robin Williams.

The Fifth Element star owes the Internal Revenue Service of the United States $11,571,909.26. An accomplishment almost as ballsy as screaming into Bruce Willis’ face for two hours.

The news hits about a year after the State of California came after Tucker for not paying $3,594,409 in state taxes.

Maybe we’ll luck our and get The Sixth Element out of this, but I doubt it. Bring on Rush Hour: Rush Harder and Rush Hour: Race Jokes Drift.

[source]

The rest of the list includes Megan Fox, Dakota Fanning, Taylor Swift, Zac Efron, and a bunch of people I’ve never heard of. 5/10. Am I old and out of touch yet? The full list:

1. Taylor Lautner
2. Selena Gomez
3. Chace Crawford
4. Megan Fox
5. Ian Somerhalder
6. Dakota Fanning
7. Ashley Greene
8. Logan Lerman
9. Taylor Swift
10. Zac Efron

[source]

White’s representatives had been claiming the accusations were part of an anti-Urkel ploy designed to win a custody battle.

The news comes as a great relief to me. Urkel was a childhood hero.

[source] Thanks, kontrhovercie!

The supposed victim also claimed that Jaleel slapped her and pushed her into a toilet. A representative for White denies the accusation, and has stated “There was absolutely no battery… no abuse… and the incident never happened.”

It remains to be seen who’s telling the truth here. It might be that Stefan Urquelle is being unfairly blamed as part of a custody battle, as his rep also claims.

[source]

The Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows movies are coming, and that means filming the prologue from the end of the book. Anyone who’s seen the last couple films can tell you that some of these kids have started looking a bit goofy, but that’s nothing compared to the “aged” versions you can see below.

Have a look at hobo Rupert Grint, giant-forehead Tom Felton, and molester Daniel Radcliffe below. Bonnie Wright and Emma Watson, whose characters apparently aged much better than the guy’s, are also pictured.

[source]

Hopper’s passing follows the death of 80′s TV legend Gary Coleman, who died Friday from an intracranial hemorrhage.

Sources: Reuters, CNN

It was a good thing I snuck in the little conference, because, it would seem, Mr. Nimoy is retiring (from acting, I don’t know about marathon convention appearances, but I wouldn’t want to risk it). The Big L made the announcement in Vulcan, Alberta, A town so small, the best thing to do on a Friday night really is stay home and watch Star Trek. Mr. Nimoy also unveiled a bronze bust of himself commissioned by the town during his visit.

[source]

Hendricks also wrote A Letter to Men for the issue, in which she let me know that it’s never going to happen between us. Unfortunately, she feels “The men who constantly stare at our breasts are never the men we’re attracted to.” At least she finally got back to me.

Sources: Esquire, Huffington Post

Carrey and McCarthy took to Twitter a couple days ago to formally announce to the world that their relationship was over. Jim kicked things off by stating:

Jenny and I have just ended our 5yr relationship. I’m grateful 4 the many blessings we’ve shared and I wish her the very best! S’okay! ?;^>

Jenny followed up by reporting “Im so grateful for the years Jim and I had together. I will stay committed to Jane and will always keep Jim as a leading man in my heart.”

I suppose a Twitter breakup is still leagues better than the often marveled-at Facebook breakup.

[source]

You’ve been a huge inspiration for many of today’s most successful video games designers. But what influenced you – in a world without a video game industry? I see you have a fetching Beatles t-shirt on today…

Yes, I loved The Beatles – but when it comes to music, my particular taste is the American bluegrass music. I think bluegrass music was a great influence upon myself. When it comes to the pop culture in general, the movie Easy Rider was kind of a bible for our generation. I also saw the Stanley Kubrick Space Odyssey movie which was great also.

A writer or director like Peter Fonda, who made Easy Rider, must have had a great influence upon myself when I was young. I was living in Kyoto, which belongs to the Kansai region. In Japan – and in Kansai region particularly – when we were young there was tendency to love certain types of entertainment called Rakugo, which is one storyteller telling you sometimes a sad story, and sometimes one that would make you laugh very much.

I would also watch the Manzai – which is a comic duo or trio on the stage trying to make you laugh. Those kind of things, as well as Japanese cartoon culture must have something greatly influenced me, so much so that I really wanted to become a professional cartoonist when I was in Junior High.

If we’re talking about the United Kingdom, I really like the Irish music like Chieftains and I like [UK folk band] Pentangle.

I’ve read previously that he is also a fan of Raiders of the Lost Ark and Amelie, what a guy.

Wait, why is he talking about this stuff? I think this interview was conducted before the announcement of the 3DS, so I guess it’s acceptable he wasn’t asked about that, but shouldn’t interviewers and the public at large at least be hounding him for details about Pikmin 3?

[source]

Seriously folks, I’m almost done talking about Tiger Woods. No, really, you won’t have to endure this much longer.

Unlike previous entries in this series, this week’s Interneter didn’t launch a succesful career through the internet, and he hasn’t found the web all that beneficial in any obvious ways. In fact, this Interneter didn’t even post his own material for others to enjoy, it was done for him by adult actress Joslyn James, pictured to the right. This week’s Interneter is Tiger Woods.

Veronica Siwik-Daniels, as she is known in reality, just set up a new website called “sextingjoslynjames.com” (it’s quite NSFW, which is why I’m not linking to it directly) where she has helped Tiger get started in the exciting world of online content production!

Tiger’s first contribution consists of a long list of texts he sent Joslyn over the course of their affair, and it truly does amuse. Some highlights include:

Tiger:Sent: 04″02 PM 08/29/2009:
I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you

Tiger:Sent: 04:06 PM 08/29/2009:
Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore. Put my cock in your ass and then shove it down your throat

Tiger:Sent: 04:07 PM 08/29/2009:
You are my fucking whore

Tiger:Sent: 04:08 PM 08/29/2009:
Hold you down while i choke you and Fuck that ass that i own

and:

Tiger:Sent: 01:28 PM 09/08/2009:
Have you ever had a golden shower done to you

Tiger:Sent: 01:29 PM 09/08/2009:
Just morbid curiosity

Tiger:Sent: 01:30 PM 09/08/2009:
Really. You. You have done just about everything havent you

Tiger:Sent: 01:32 PM 09/08/2009:
Never done it. I think i would get stage freight

Tiger Woods, Shufflingdead salutes you for making the internet even more horrifying than it already was.

[source]

In related news, someone named Ke$ha, a supposed pop singer, has announced that she wears her own placenta as a necklace. The digitally-reliant semi-singer explains:

I’m into energy. I recently went to see a past-life regressionist, who is also a psychic. I wear my placenta around my neck every day, because it’s supposed to give you second sight. I feel like I’ve had many lifetimes before.

Strange as all of that may seem, I think the truly concerning part here is that this girl has her own placenta. Did her parents save it for later or something? Where was it kept during her childhood? In a special box marked “open when you’re ready to experience second sight”?

Sources: Vice Magazine (NSFW), Perez Hilton

It seems Lundgren’s home was broken into in January of 2009, armed robbers tied up his wife and threatened her with knives while Dolph wasn’t around. The robbers smartly decided to flee their crime scene early, however, when one of them noticed Ivan Drago himself in a family photo.

The thieves were apparently smart enough to recognize that the risk of encountering a 6-foot-5-inch karate black belt who works out six times a week and has a master’s degree in chemical engineering was not worth the time needed to grab a bit more loot.

Check out the trailer for Dolph’s new film The Expendables after the jump.

[source]

Howard Stern held his Mistress Beauty Pageant, and three of Tiger’s ladies showed up to be judged by a panel of experts. Four had originally pledged participation, but one apparently dropped out, it’s not clear who that was or why she didn’t show. In any case, the judging, ogling, and objectification carried on for over an hour and a half before Stern and his panel finally came to a conclusion.

Loredana Jolie came in third place, Jaimee Grubbs got second, and Jamie Jungers finished first, taking home $75 000 in prize money from pageant sponsor AshleyMadison.com.

A tearful Jamie Jungers seemed truly moved by her win, stating “I just feel blessed” before thanking God. She says she plans to help move her family with the money.

[source]

Clip from the show

Hey, if that’s true, I can’t disagree with the choice, although the very concept of a CG Smurfs movie scares me more than a little. Consider this: the original Smurfs were pretty friendly looking guys when they were simple 2D animations, but what would they look like as detailed 3D renders? Maybe it’s just the more carefully illustrated Smurfette images I just dredged up on Google Image search still haunting me, but I can’t picture these things being anything other than bulging blue abominations.

Perry would join Alan Cumming, George Lopez, and original Smurf-voicer Jonathan Winters as a Smurf, along with whatever human Neil Patrick Harris is signed up to play. No word on who will be playing Gargamel yet.

[source]

For years we’ve had to endure Jenny McCarthy’s ignorant rantings about how childhood vaccinations supposedly caused her son’s autism, despite a complete lack of scientific evidence, along with her insistence that chelation therapy actually did something to help him. Well, now Jenny’s theories have been thoroughly laid to rest, and that’s a great reason to make her Shameful Human of the Week.

It seems her son never actually had autism, but rather “a rare childhood neurological disorder” called Landau-Kleffner syndrome. LKS can cause speech impairment and neurological damage, but affected children have been known to regain their language abilities. That would explain why her son kept getting better, despite her fake science having long been proven bullshit.

Jenny’s backpedaling like crazy. She’s decided she just wants vaccines better researched, and not eliminated entirely, as she once pushed for. McCarthy claims that she will continue to be a voice for autism, although I would hope all of this finally ends the shred of credibility the mainstream press was giving her.

As a formal apology for making the world dumber, and for endangering the health of everyone by publicly promoting the boycott of vaccines, I’d like to see McCarthy free Jim Carrey and return him to reality.

[source]

Stern initially announced that he would go through with the idea for a pageant if at least four women agreed to compete, and so far, that’s how many have stepped forward. There are still plenty more potential candidates though, so far, thirteen ladies have been identified in the press. Tiger’s main mistress, Rachel Uchitel, is unable to compete due to a settlement with the golfer, but her friends are hoping to get her in via cardboard stand-in.

Tiger’s ladies will compete in front of judges in categories like “swimsuit,” “personality,” and “talent,” with the hopes of taking home the $100 000 prize. The award money is being supplied by AshleyMadison.com, a dating site which assists people in conducting discreet affairs.

Stern is hoping to bring Tiger’s wife Elin Nordegren in as a judge for the contest, but she, shockingly, hasn’t responded.

[source]

The match makes a lot of sense, the Shit My Dad Says account is following one person, and it’s LeVar Burton, so maybe account creator Justin Halpern is already a Star Trek fan.

Considering this new show would be on CBS if it goes to series, the title will likely have to be changed.

[source]

Tiger Woods finally made his press statement this morning, and now everybody has to talk about that, so I guess I should too. I doubt I’ll enjoy it. Tiger apologized repeatedly to the mysterious group of people attending his conference, and expressed regret for letting down his fans.

I don’t know how much of a fan I ever was, although I think I am significantly more of one now. Previously, Tiger was a golfer, and that’s not a sport I have any interest in or real knowledge of, but it turns out he was also an all star in the SFL (sport-fucking league), and played for a team so good, it would probably have been worthwhile getting season tickets.

Honestly, I don’t think I could care less about this, or anything else Tiger Woods does. He’s a professional athlete who cheated on his wife, and people are acting like that’s never happened before. The Winter Olympics are going on right now, something that happens only every four years, and this Tiger story is eating away at coverage of that much more deserving event.

Disgraced athletes are way more fun when they do something original, like get involved in dog fighting, for example. Tiger, if you want me to care, start up a tiger fighting league.

[source]

Well, the image described as heat attack inducing, which you can see here, turned out to be a little over-hyped in my opinion, although New York Magazine reports that the “vintage bustier [is] from Hendricks’s collection,” which fills me with all kinds of arousal. That image, along with its buddy, pictured above, are not unappreciated. In the words of Malcolm Reynolds “I’ll be in my bunk.”

Digg is not the only place to report the surfacing of these two new Christina Hendricks pictures, it seems like everybody with a website is posting the images and trying to cash in on the internet’s new-found appreciation for busty red-heads, including this one, right now. Well, it’s not something Christina would be too happy about, the same article from which the new images originate reports “Christina Hendricks thinks all the talk about her body is a little embarrassing” and that “it kind of hurt [her] feelings at first.” Sorry Christina, it’s my job.

[source]

Robert Pattinson is another one of those people who I’ve always known would have to be crowned a Shameful Human at some point; I was just looking for a good excuse. Lucky for me, Pattinson has done well to act like an absolute idiot this week.

In a drunken interview with Details magazine, Pattinson revealed what most of us already knew, he “really hate vaginas.” Indeed, Pattinson claims to be “allergic to vagina.” Pattinson barely survived a lengthy photo shoot in which he “had to” position himself between the legs of a hot female model, and apparently only handled the ordeal because he was hungover.

Let me be clear: I’m not suggesting that Pattinson is shameful for being gay. Absolutely not. It’s just that he’s spent an awful lot of time leading on an awful lot of confused young girls.

You might be thinking, okay, Pattinson is gay, well maybe now he can become a prominent gay rights activist. Actually, that won’t work, he’s not gay either. Add all of his gay followers to the list of victims he’s led on. It turns out that Pattinson only has eyes for his dog. In the depths of his bizarre interview, Pattinson unleashed this monster: “There might be something wrong with my emotional sight… The only emotional connection of relevance is with my dog. My relationship with my dog, it’s ridiculous.” Yikes.

[source]

The Jacketed One broke the news in a series of furious Tweets so that the whole world could experience his pain as it was happening, and come to truly know the plight of the fatty. I’ve compiled the initial volley of Twats and edited them into the following easy-to-read quote:

I know I’m fat, but was Captain Leysath really justified in throwing me off a flight for which I was already seated?

Dear @SouthwestAir, I flew out in one seat, but right after issuing me a standby ticket, Oakland Southwest attendant Suzanne (wouldn’t give last name) told me Captain Leysath deemed me a “safety risk”. Again: I’m way fat… But I’m not THERE just yet. But if I am, why wait til my bag is up, and I’m seated WITH ARM RESTS DOWN. In front of a packed plane with a bunch of folks who’d already I.d.ed me as “Silent Bob.”

So, @SouthwestAir, go fuck yourself. I broke no regulation, offered no “safety risk” (what, was I gonna roll on a fellow passenger?). I was wrongly ejected from the flight (even Suzanne eventually agreed). And fuck your apologetic $100 voucher, @SouthwestAir. Thank God I don’t embarrass easily (bless you, JERSEY GIRL training). But I don’t sulk off either: so everyday, some new fuck-you Tweets for @SouthwestAir. Wanna tell me I’m too wide for the sky? Totally cool. But fair warning, folks: IF YOU LOOK LIKE ME, YOU MAY BE EJECTED FROM @SOUTHWESTAIR.

It is unknown if the attendant who threw Smith off the plane turned to a passenger afterward and wryly uttered the phrase “no ticket.”

[source]

Megan Fox’s recent appearance in a Motorola Super Bowl commercial featured a close-up of her hand which wasn’t her hand at all, but actually the hand of a, well, hand model.

You can see Megan’s abhorred thumb in the image above. It’s a little stubby, but close enough to normal that the magazine that the picture ran in didn’t even bother to “fix” it in Photoshop.

Watch the commercial to goggle at the freak after the jump.

[source]

Shirley, who I wrote a letter to just a few months ago, has teased her stalker-like Facebook fans with the following not-so-cryptic message about the return of Garbage:

Anyway…….
on a final note
Guess who I just spent a week in the studio with?
Would you be pleased if I said one of them was called Steve and one of them was called Duke and another was a grammy winning producer?
Who loves ya?
x

It would seem Manson got my message about ending that silly hiatus her band had gone on, and is back at work producing new music with them. Now for phase 2, convincing Shirley and crew to make a tour stop conveniently near me.

[source]

That’s why I’m absolutely distraught to find that Ron Jeremy, the portly, mustachioed legend of adult film, hates technology. Mr. Jeremy took a break from the recent Adult Entertainment Expo to visit the nearby Consumer Electronics Show, where he made several startling claims. The star of over 2 000 films and holder of a master’s degree and two BAs proclaimed:

People can download stuff for free these days, so why the heck are they going to buy it? The only ones making money out of porn are the novelty companies. I just hate the internet in general.

That’s a rather ironic statement, considering Mr. Jeremy starred in the novelty film Super Hornio Brothers back in 1993, but the hypocrisy doesn’t stop there. Jeremy also claimed at the event that video games have “a much bigger negative influence on kids,” implying that games are somehow worse than porn. Again, ironic considering Ronald’s work in Super Hornio Brothers, unless, I suppose, that was intended as a cutting parody intended to reveal how awful video games really are.

[source] and [source]

It’s about time the Queen recognized Stewart as the Godhead of Awe that we all know him to be. If she really understood his true power, she would have abdicated to him, but that may come in time.

Congratulations Sir Patrick Stewart.

And now, a video tribute.

[source]

Perhaps, Mr. Jonas, if you had attempted premarital sex, you would have discovered your sexual incompatibility with your now-wife. Or, perhaps, you would have gotten past that awkward first time and been able to start with awesome sex from the beginning. Or, maybe you would have realized that as great as sex is, it’s not worth agonizing over and denying yourself for years and then finally going through a massive ceremony to have.

[source]