I can’t promise that this will be the last time I talk about this boring Tiger Woods scandal, but I sure hope it is.
Howard Stern held his Mistress Beauty Pageant, and three of Tiger’s ladies showed up to be judged by a panel of experts. Four had originally pledged participation, but one apparently dropped out, it’s not clear who that was or why she didn’t show. In any case, the judging, ogling, and objectification carried on for over an hour and a half before Stern and his panel finally came to a conclusion.
Loredana Jolie came in third place, Jaimee Grubbs got second, and Jamie Jungers finished first, taking home $75 000 in prize money from pageant sponsor AshleyMadison.com.
A tearful Jamie Jungers seemed truly moved by her win, stating “I just feel blessed” before thanking God. She says she plans to help move her family with the money.
Rumor has it that famed girl-kisser Katy Perry is in talks to voice the sole female Smurf, Smurfette, in the upcoming live-action/CG-animated major motion picture The Smurfs.
Hey, if that’s true, I can’t disagree with the choice, although the very concept of a CG Smurfs movie scares me more than a little. Consider this: the original Smurfs were pretty friendly looking guys when they were simple 2D animations, but what would they look like as detailed 3D renders? Maybe it’s just the more carefully illustrated Smurfette images I just dredged up on Google Image search still haunting me, but I can’t picture these things being anything other than bulging blue abominations.
Perry would join Alan Cumming, George Lopez, and original Smurf-voicer Jonathan Winters as a Smurf, along with whatever human Neil Patrick Harris is signed up to play. No word on who will be playing Gargamel yet.
For years we’ve had to endure Jenny McCarthy’s ignorant rantings about how childhood vaccinations supposedly caused her son’s autism, despite a complete lack of scientific evidence, along with her insistence that chelation therapy actually did something to help him. Well, now Jenny’s theories have been thoroughly laid to rest, and that’s a great reason to make her Shameful Human of the Week.
It seems her son never actually had autism, but rather “a rare childhood neurological disorder” called Landau-Kleffner syndrome. LKS can cause speech impairment and neurological damage, but affected children have been known to regain their language abilities. That would explain why her son kept getting better, despite her fake science having long been proven bullshit.
Jenny’s backpedaling like crazy. She’s decided she just wants vaccines better researched, and not eliminated entirely, as she once pushed for. McCarthy claims that she will continue to be a voice for autism, although I would hope all of this finally ends the shred of credibility the mainstream press was giving her.
As a formal apology for making the world dumber, and for endangering the health of everyone by publicly promoting the boycott of vaccines, I’d like to see McCarthy free Jim Carrey and return him to reality.
Howard Stern has finally found a way to make this boring-as-shit Tiger Woods scandal mildly amusing to me. The satellite radio personality has organized a Beauty Pageant for Woods’ alleged mistresses, to be held March 10.
Stern initially announced that he would go through with the idea for a pageant if at least four women agreed to compete, and so far, that’s how many have stepped forward. There are still plenty more potential candidates though, so far, thirteen ladies have been identified in the press. Tiger’s main mistress, Rachel Uchitel, is unable to compete due to a settlement with the golfer, but her friends are hoping to get her in via cardboard stand-in.
Tiger’s ladies will compete in front of judges in categories like “swimsuit,” “personality,” and “talent,” with the hopes of taking home the $100 000 prize. The award money is being supplied by AshleyMadison.com, a dating site which assists people in conducting discreet affairs.
Stern is hoping to bring Tiger’s wife Elin Nordegren in as a judge for the contest, but she, shockingly, hasn’t responded.
Still not content with his massive body of work, and despite already being the greatest living entity in the universe, William Shatner has signed on to play the dad in a new CBS sitcom based on the Shit My Dad Says Twitter account.
The match makes a lot of sense, the Shit My Dad Says account is following one person, and it’s LeVar Burton, so maybe account creator Justin Halpern is already a Star Trek fan.
Considering this new show would be on CBS if it goes to series, the title will likely have to be changed.
Tiger Woods finally made his press statement this morning, and now everybody has to talk about that, so I guess I should too. I doubt I’ll enjoy it. Tiger apologized repeatedly to the mysterious group of people attending his conference, and expressed regret for letting down his fans.
I don’t know how much of a fan I ever was, although I think I am significantly more of one now. Previously, Tiger was a golfer, and that’s not a sport I have any interest in or real knowledge of, but it turns out he was also an all star in the SFL (sport-fucking league), and played for a team so good, it would probably have been worthwhile getting season tickets.
Honestly, I don’t think I could care less about this, or anything else Tiger Woods does. He’s a professional athlete who cheated on his wife, and people are acting like that’s never happened before. The Winter Olympics are going on right now, something that happens only every four years, and this Tiger story is eating away at coverage of that much more deserving event.
Disgraced athletes are way more fun when they do something original, like get involved in dog fighting, for example. Tiger, if you want me to care, start up a tiger fighting league.
I woke up thismidafternoon to find the headline “Heart Attack-inducing Pic of Christina Hendricks (NSFW)” sitting right on Digg’s front page. As a fan of red hair, Firefly, and tits, I knew I had to click.
Well, the image described as heat attack inducing, which you can see in the gallery below, turned out to be a little over-hyped in my opinion, although New York Magazine reports that the “vintage bustier [is] from Hendricks’s collection,” which fills me with all kinds of arousal. That image, along with its buddy, pictured above, are not unappreciated. In the words of Malcolm Reynolds “I’ll be in my bunk.”
Digg is not the only place to report the surfacing of these two new Christina Hendricks pictures, it seems like everybody with a website is posting the images and trying to cash in on the internet’s new-found appreciation for busty red-heads, including this one, right now. Well, it’s not something Christina would be too happy about, the same article from which the new images originate reports “Christina Hendricks thinks all the talk about her body is a little embarrassing” and that “it kind of hurt [her] feelings at first.” Sorry Christina, it’s my job.
Robert Pattinson is another one of those people who I’ve always known would have to be crowned a Shameful Human at some point; I was just looking for a good excuse. Lucky for me, Pattinson has done well to act like an absolute idiot this week.
In a drunken interview with Details magazine, Pattinson revealed what most of us already knew, he “really hate vaginas.” Indeed, Pattinson claims to be “allergic to vagina.” Pattinson barely survived a lengthy photo shoot in which he “had to” position himself between the legs of a hot female model, and apparently only handled the ordeal because he was hungover.
Let me be clear: I’m not suggesting that Pattinson is shameful for being gay. Absolutely not. It’s just that he’s spent an awful lot of time leading on an awful lot of confused young girls.
You might be thinking, okay, Pattinson is gay, well maybe now he can become a prominent gay rights activist. Actually, that won’t work, he’s not gay either. Add all of his gay followers to the list of victims he’s led on. It turns out that Pattinson only has eyes for his dog. In the depths of his bizarre interview, Pattinson unleashed this monster: “There might be something wrong with my emotional sight… The only emotional connection of relevance is with my dog. My relationship with my dog, it’s ridiculous.” Yikes.
The man, the legend, Kevin “Silent Bob” Smith spent yesterday in a rather angry mood. It seems the man who gave the world Clerks was thrown off his Southwest Airlines flight for being, that’s right, too fat. Smith had already been seated when a flight attendant informed him he was a safety risk and had to leave the plane.
The Jacketed One broke the news in a series of furious Tweets so that the whole world could experience his pain as it was happening, and come to truly know the plight of the fatty. I’ve compiled the initial volley of Twats and edited them into the following easy-to-read quote:
I know I’m fat, but was Captain Leysath really justified in throwing me off a flight for which I was already seated?
Dear @SouthwestAir, I flew out in one seat, but right after issuing me a standby ticket, Oakland Southwest attendant Suzanne (wouldn’t give last name) told me Captain Leysath deemed me a “safety risk”. Again: I’m way fat… But I’m not THERE just yet. But if I am, why wait til my bag is up, and I’m seated WITH ARM RESTS DOWN. In front of a packed plane with a bunch of folks who’d already I.d.ed me as “Silent Bob.”
So, @SouthwestAir, go fuck yourself. I broke no regulation, offered no “safety risk” (what, was I gonna roll on a fellow passenger?). I was wrongly ejected from the flight (even Suzanne eventually agreed). And fuck your apologetic $100 voucher, @SouthwestAir. Thank God I don’t embarrass easily (bless you, JERSEY GIRL training). But I don’t sulk off either: so everyday, some new fuck-you Tweets for @SouthwestAir. Wanna tell me I’m too wide for the sky? Totally cool. But fair warning, folks: IF YOU LOOK LIKE ME, YOU MAY BE EJECTED FROM @SOUTHWESTAIR.
It is unknown if the attendant who threw Smith off the plane turned to a passenger afterward and wryly uttered the phrase “no ticket.”
If you’ve ever rubbed one out to Megan Fox, then you are a freak lover no different than the porn hounds scouring the net for triple-breasted-albino-shemales. It turns out the Transformers star and over-exposed victim of objectification has brachydactyly, a genetic trait which gives her short thumbs. The horror!
Megan Fox’s recent appearance in a Motorola Super Bowl commercial featured a close-up of her hand which wasn’t her hand at all, but actually the hand of a, well, hand model.
You can see Megan’s abhorred thumb in the image above. It’s a little stubby, but close enough to normal that the magazine that the picture ran in didn’t even bother to “fix” it in Photoshop.
Watch the commercial to goggle at the freak after the jump.
March 11th, 2010 by 
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