Keira Knightley is single; world rejoices

Image: Adapted from Pride and Prejudice_004 by sheksays under a CC-BY license.

Keira Knightley and her five-years-too-long boyfriend Rupert Friend called it quits sometime over the holidays.

Sources say something about strain on the relationship as a result of paparazzi photographing them made Friend more and more uncomfortable. Isn’t he an actor too?

Anyway, the good news is that this gives DMUSER the opening he has been waiting for to get back together with the Pirates of the Caribbean hottie, who he dated briefly in our SDGR videos. It also gives me the chance to jeopardize our friendship by stealing his hot girlfriend.

Taking this in light of Scarlett Johansson’s recent return to the realm of single, ShufflingDead’s staff’s time spent drooling over single celebrities is expected to multiply by twelve.

Source: SF Examiner

Jewel’s pregnancy inspires lechery

Image: Adapted from Solo Acoustic by jenniferlstoddart under a CC-BY license.

Jewel has no thematic link with ShufflingDead whatsoever, except breasts, I guess. That’s why I wrote her an open letter six years ago, and why I’m about to write a news story about her, anyway.

The folk singer is pregnant. Now, you might think that would upset me, especially since it’s with her pro-rodeo husband, Ty Murray. Believe me, it does, but there are upsides to this news as well.

As CNN commenter afactchecker notes, “Looks like her b00bies will finally plump up. Oh wait….” Aww yeah.

Source: CNN

Jurassic Park actor Pete Postlethwaite dies

Image: Adapted from Pete Postlethwaite - man, this guy's in EVERYTHING! by Daveybot under a CC-BY license.

There are only two things I remember about The Lost World: Jurassic Park. 1. Jeff Goldblum’s obnoxious gymnast daughter who didn’t look much like him. 2. Pete Postlethwaite saying “let’s get this moveable feast underway.” Postlethwaite also appeared in everything from Alien 3 to The Usual Suspects and Romeo + Juliet to Inception.

Postlethwaite was 64, he died of testicular cancer.

Source: CNN

Winona Ryder doesn’t look at cat pictures on the internet

Image: Adapted from IMG_0360bis by Luni's under a CC-BY license.

Winona “Spock’s Mom” Ryder doesn’t use the internet. That shocking revelation comes from an interview the actor did with Elle magazine. She told the publication “I have my e-mail on my BlackBerry and that’s about it.” The most offensive item to note in this story is that Shoppy McShoplifterson has, in her own words, “never read a blog, ever.” That’s right, Lydia Deetz has never read ShufflingDead, and probably never will. “Strange and unusual” indeed.

Scarlett Johansson is single

Image: U.S. federal government.

Poor Ryan Reynolds, that headline writes itself.

Queen Hotness of the Universe Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds have ended their relationship. That means the star of two of my six favourite films (Lost in Translation and Ghost World) is available for wooing. The pair were married for two years.

A special message to Scarlett: If you’re looking for another Canadian, one with about 8 less chiseled abs to contend with, you let me know.

In vaguely related news that should help pad the word count of this post, Johansson’s Ghost World co-star Thora Birch has been fired from an off-Broadway production of Dracula. Her father/manager supposedly threatened one of the other actors in the play.