I Just Solved the Obesity Crisis. Thanks, Ubisoft.

Image: Assassin's Creed. Ubisoft.

I’ve been playing Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood in preparation for Revelations, and I had a rather interesting thought during my playthrough. There are only about three people in the entire world of the game that appear even the least bit overweight. Oh sure, you could blame this on the starving peasant class of the Middle Age setting of the game, but I’m not so sure that’s the reason.

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RUMOUR: Microsoft wants your money for a Halo remake

Gamers, seemingly unaware that they have now bought Halo: Combat Evolved five times, are giddy today over the rumour that Microsoft may be working on a remake of the original walking-down-a-grey-hallway simulator using the Halo: Reach engine.

Word is that Halo: Creatively Bankrupt will release in late 2011, perhaps in time to celebrate the 10th anniversary of the marketing hype for the first Halo. That may then lead into a holiday 2012 release of Halo 4: This is Pretty Much The Same Game Again Again.

Microsoft’s Phil Spencer stated just last month that he wasn’t dwelling on the idea of such a remake, and that “I’m going to think about it from the customer’s perspective, and are we really delivering something of value to the customer at a price that they want?”

It may be that Philly-S has now been corrected of the fallacy stated above and green-lit the project. Judging by reactions online, gamers don’t care about value or price, they just want the thing they’ve seen on Mountain Dew bottles.

Source: Eurogamer
Image: Halo: Combat Evolved box art. Microsoft.

When it comes to Kinect, Microsoft only wants you to know what they tell you

Microsoft is ready to push the upcoming X-Box peripheral Kinect hard. The company will spend $500 million on promotion. That includes working with Burger King, slathering up four million Pepsi cans with promos, and taking over YouTube’s front page.

The massive $500 million budget is equal to that spent on the original X-Box launch, except part of that money went to subsidizing the console. This time, it’s half a billion on ads and promotion alone. I remember those crazy days back in 2001, it felt like you couldn’t get away from the glowing green X.

Microsoft isn’t interested in Kinect’s message being spread by the press, however. Game journalists have been complaining of the difficulty of getting first party games for review. Even more astounding, the company sent a take-down notice to Destructoid after the site posted and mocked Kinect ads. They must not have approved of the headline “Kinect TV adverts will make you vomit into your hands.”

Image: Microsoft.

Armada of the Damned dead in the water

Another saddening announcement in the gaming world, Disney Interactive Studios is cancelling the upcoming Pirates of the Caribbean: Armada of the Damned game.

Armada of the Damned was being developed by Vancouver-based Propaganda Games and was supposed to be an engaging action RPG based in the world of Disney’s Pirates of the Caribbean, except good, not like most movies-to-games. The story was to take place before the first movie’s events, so no rigid or previously revealed plotlines would have been present. Players were to control a pirate captain and rise to fame, or infamy, based upon the actions taken by the player, with different storylines, quests, weapons, attacks, and personalities for each. This game looked pretty interesting.

But unfortunately, the rum is gone, and at this point, gamers will not be able to realize their dream of some freestyle swashbuckling on the high seas.

Source: IGN
Image: From Wikipedia. Copyright Disney Interactive Studios.

Jiffy’s Lazy Links: Ladies of Gaming Edition

Korean out-of-shape-mom turned fitness celebrity Jung Da-Yeon has got her own Wii game, and it’s set to release this December in Japan.

Japanese X-Box 360 dating sim series Dream C Club, which allows players to drink with girls dressed as sexy maids and feed them bananas, is to be turned into an anime. And in 3D, no less.

The label of “gamer” apparently has too much of a negative connotation for 60% of female gamers. A survey of 2075 Americans commissioned by PlayFirst found that a majority of female-game-players “would not call themselves gamers.” Then what would they call themselves? Ashamed of the medium?

FuriousFanboys.com thinks you can’t get laid in an NES bed.

Some would argue the 3DS’s 25,000 Yen ($300) price-point is pretty steep, but Nintendo chose that amount due in part to the positive reaction the system received when it was revealed at E3 2010

Independence Day director Roland Emmerich has been trying forever to get two sequels off the ground, (which will supposedly be called ID4-ever Parts I and II). Now he’s hinting that the movies will explore what happens as Earth recovers from the invasion. He also really wants to know “who will be president?”–in other words–he wants Will Smith to be president.

Despite all of the problems plaguing production of The Hobbit, the LA Times is reporting that the two-film project will be green lit “within a few days.” That, despite MGM’s multitude of financial woes, and the actors’ guilds trying to convince actors not to work on the films.

Easy A star Emma Stone could be Peter Parker’s newest Mary Jane Watson.

Evil Tech Emperor Mark Zuckerberg is now richer than Evil Tech Emperor Steve Jobs. The score is $6.9 billion to $6.1 billion.