Cock Wars 2011: Round #5: Neo v. James Cameron v. Elrond v. Edward Norton

Whose johnson excels?

• Edward Norton (48%, 12 Votes)
• Elrond (32%, 8 Votes)
• Neo (20%, 5 Votes)
• James Cameron (0%, 0 Votes)

Total Voters: 25

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Neo (Newbs)

Image: The Matrix Reloaded poster. Warner Bros.

Description: Put simply, Neo is the one. He is the human embodiment of Keanu Reeves, as well as humanity’s hope for the future.

Neo may have started out as hacker slacker Mr. Anderson, but following his encounters with Trinity and Morpheus, he rapidly developed into the machine melting destroyer of the Matrix.

Special moves: Bullet time.

Battle cry: “Whoah.”

James Cameron (BloodLark)

Image: ETalk2008-James Cameron. CC-BY license.

Notable Contribution: Cameron made the two highest grossing films of all time. His touch is movie gold. He also made Terminator, Rambo 2, Aliens, The Abyss, Terminator 2, True Lies, Titanic, and Avatar. Dear god this man has made so many sweet films. He is known for his temper and is notoriously difficult to work under.

Questions: Why are all his highest grossing films the worst written?

Death: Not there yet.

Quote: “People call me a perfectionist, but I’m not. I am a rightest. I do something until it is right, and then I move on to the next thing.”

Elrond (Newbs)

Image: Lord of the Rings. New Line Cinema.

Description: Elrond is the Lord of Rivendell, a position which puts him into a class of “mighty rulers of old that remained in Middle-earth in its Third Age” according to Wikipedia. He’s also over 6000 years old.

Elrond has seen some shit. He attended the Siege of Barad-dûr where Sauron was defeated and the One Ring was walked away with, much to his annoyance.

Special moves: Chillin’ with Bilbo.

Edward Norton (BloodLark)

Image: Ednortongfdl. CC-BY-SA.

Notable Contribution: Being a kick ass actor in movies like The Score, Fight Club, American History X, and The Illusionist. While he has been nominated for several awards for his acting he has never won an Oscar. Norton has been interested in acting from a very young age. He is willing to put in a lot of effort for a role; he put on 30lb of muscle for American History X.

Questions: How long did it take you to figure out his character in The Score?

Death: No death.

Quote: “Fame is very corrosive and you have to guard strictly against it.”

Cock Wars 2011: Round #6: Charlie Sheen v. Bumblebee v. Christina Hendricks v. Mons’s Goblin Raiders

Whose johnson excels?

• Charlie Sheen (48%, 10 Votes)
• Christina Hendricks (24%, 5 Votes)
• Bumblebee (19%, 4 Votes)
• Mons's Goblin Raiders (9%, 2 Votes)

Total Voters: 21

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Charlie Sheen (MerrGe)

Image:CharlieSheenMarch2009. CC-BY-SA.

Description: Winning.

Memorable Quotes: “I got tiger blood, man.” “I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.” “I’m tired of pretending like I’m not special. I’m tired of pretending like I’m not bitchin’, a total freakin’ rock star from Mars.” “I’m bi-winning. I win here and I win there. Now what?” “I’ve got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time — and this includes naps — I’m an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground.” “That’s how I roll. And if it’s too gnarly for people, then buh-bye.” “I probably took more drugs than anyone could survive. I was banging seven-gram rocks, because that’s how I roll. I have one speed, I have one gear: Go.” “People are mystified by this odyssey that refuses to quit calling itself Charlie Sheen.” “I am battle-tested bayonets, bro.” “It’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee, because I don’t have time for these clowns.” “I have a disease? Bullshit. I cured it with my brain.”

Bumblebee (Weskimo)

Image: Bumblebee. Hasbro.

After the Decepticons all but took over Cybertron and the Autobots were down to resistance movement-type fighting, Bumblebee was among the first team of Autobots sent to Earth to secure a source of Energon. Standing 15 feet tall and weighing in at innumerable tons of space-metal car, this yellow robot can freaking rock the house.

Many of the Transformers transform into some extreme forms of overcompensating cock-waving. But not Bumblebee. He doesn’t need to be a fighter jet, a semi-truck, a tank, or a fucking dinosaur. This guy is a goddamn yellow Volkswagon Beetle. This is one Transformer who is comfortable with what he’s got ‘under the hood’.

Fiercely loyal and brave almost to a fault, Bumblebee continually throws himself into the fray to help his friends. He is often commissioned to play a messenger or scout role because of his relatively small size (as far as alien robots go) but you never see him running from a fight. Bumblebee’s tactics and sheer nerve have carried the Autobot forces to victory time and time again.

Christina Hendricks (Newbs)

Image: Christina Hendricks @ Serenity Premiere. CC-BY.

Description: Christina Hendricks is a famed female actor of the modern era. Her best known TV appearance is as Joan Holloway in the hit drama Mad Men. She also played the character Saffron in two episodes of Firefly which rank as some of the hottest in television history.

Special moves: Taking over the internet every time she is photographed.

What others are saying: “Titties.” – Newbs

Mons’s Goblin Raiders (Weskimo)

Image: Wizards of the Coast.

4th Edition Magic the Gathering had no rival for the strength of the goblins. Often found hanging around with their orc cousins (remember orcs?), goblins were the backbone of any red deck, and Mons’s Goblin Raiders were the path to victory.

The fury of the goblins could not be contained by any army. There were just too many of them, and they all used goblin war drums to distract your defenders. Players the world over still wake up in cold sweats and stale fear, remembering the quaking terror they felt as they were crushed by wave after wave of 1/1 goblins.

Cock Wars 2011: Round #8: Hard Gay v. James K. Polk v. Lando Calrissian v. Samus Aran

Whose johnson excels?

• Lando Calrissian (41%, 9 Votes)
• James K. Polk (27%, 6 Votes)
• Samus Aran (18%, 4 Votes)
• Hard Gay (14%, 3 Votes)

Total Voters: 22

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Razor Ramon Hard Gay (sulci)

Image:Razor Ramon Hard Gay. CC-BY.

Description: Hard Gay is a tight bodied Japanese man of impressive stature. His quest is noble: to perform acts of charity. This sometimes (always) leads to awkward situations as Hard Gay’s mission for social improvement also includes his black PVC fetish getup.

Special moves: Pelvic thrusting along to the sweet rhythm of Ricky Martin’s “Livin’ la Vida Loca.”

Famous lines: “HOOOOO!,” “Say say say!”

James K. Polk (badjokebob)

Image: Public domain.

Description: Polk was the eleventh President of the United States and he had big brass balls the size of honeydew melons as evidenced by the fact that he survived gallstone surgery at age seventeen with nothing but a little brandy as anesthetic.

As president, Polk was ballsy enough to threaten war with England until they agreed to split the Oregon territory. Polk then annexed Texas ignoring threats from Mexico which led to the Mexican-American war and the acquisition of the California territory.

It is definitely un-pc to glorify a bloodthirsty expansionist but without him Montana, Wyoming, Colorado, Oklahoma and Louisiana would be the western border of America.

Lando Calrissian (Newbs)

Image: Lucasfilm.

Description: This guy goes from being a politician pussy whipped by the Galactic Empire to a general in the Rebel Alliance and pilot of the Millennium Falcon during its run as Death Star destroyer in the span of a single standard year.

Special moves: Alter ego Billy Dee Williams urinating in the same bathroom as Newbs.

Famous lines: “They told me they fixed it! I trusted them to fix it! It’s not my fault!”

Samus Aran (Newbs)

Image: Nintendo.

Description: Samus is a bounty hunter who always seems to be on one mission or another when her ship gets blowed up and her armour suit wrecked. Then she’s on a different mission, looking for ways to juice up her suit and get the hell back to whatever she does for fun. Raising pet metroids or something.

Special moves: Screw attack.

Famous lines: Doesn’t have any.

Battle cry: Doesn’t need one.

Magic Card of the Week: Mindslaver

IMAGE: COPYRIGHT WIZARDS OF THE COAST

Welcome one and all to ShufflingDead’s Magic Card of the Week! This week we are featuring the Mirrodin artifact, Mindslaver.

The ultimate in control. There is no better way to perfectly sabotage an opponent than to know and control his every move.

Though a card like Mindslaver might seem expensive, keep in mind the pace of the game. If you have a deck with mana acceleration and you are at 6 mana early, great. If not, by the 6 mana time of the game, things are probably starting to get decisive.

That is the perfect time to unleash Mindslaver and take control of one of your opponents’ extremely critical turns.

Make him attack with his puny supporting creatures he’s been protecting all game. Cast his damage spells on his own army. Throw everything in your enemy’s arsenal in his face, embarrass him. You know you want to.

Star Trek Episode of the Week: Coming of Age

IMAGE: STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION. COPYRIGHT CBS PARAMOUNT STUDIOS.

In this week’s episode, absolutely nothing happens of any consequence.

Plot: Two Starfleet personnel have come for a visit. They want to interrogate the entire crew of the Enterprise and probe for any flaws in Picard’s command. Remarkably, this leads to many references to previous episodes, but never degenerates into a clip show.

Meanwhile, Wesley Crusher takes the Starfleet Academy entrance exam on Relva VII. The entrance exams appear to have been stiffened up since the likes of Reg Barclay graduated. Wes must beat out three other obnoxious wunderkinds to even get in.

Character Development: In this episode, we learn that Wes is too nice for Starfleet. The examiners know he helped another student, but they reward the cheater, instead of the helpful acting ensign.

Forehead of the Week: That great honour goes to the Benzite. These fishy creatures need mysterious vapours pumped onto their faces through Neil Young’s harmonica at all times to survive.

Memorable Quote: “I failed the first time.” – Picard, revealing the entrance exam is meaningless.