Image: Wizards of the Coast.

Welcome, one and all, to ShufflingDead’s Magic Card of the Week! This week’s card is Burning Vengeance.

Burning Vengeance is a red enchantment from the Innistrad set that really plays into the Flashback or Unearth abilities.

With Burning Vengeance in play, anytime you cast a spell from your graveyard, it will deal an additional two damage to target creature or player.

This will give you that extra edge and card advantage as your cards are coming back for a second bout of usefulness, while this recurring two damage from Burning Vengeance might be ending the life of one of your opponent’s creatures.

Also useful for burning your opponent’s face for some direct damage.

Image: Wizards of the Coast.

We’re back again with another Magic Card of the Week! This week’s selection is Rooftop Storm.

Six mana puts this enchantment into play for you, but after that the doors are pretty much wide open. Unleash the hordes of zombies you’ve got stashed in your hand for the low low cost of free.

I like this card because it can really change the mechanics of most zombie decks as I’ve know them. The enchantment being blue means you have to find some way of creating blue mana in an otherwise likely all-black deck. This creates a lot of opportunity to expand the blue-black control side of the game by combining it with a creature-type theme.

It could be just the excuse you’re looking for to go for broke on the blue control until your zombie horde hits the deck, or it could be the keystone of a card-drawing Zombie deck.

Tons of possibilities for this one. Enjoy!

Image: Assassin's Creed. Ubisoft.

I’ve been playing Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood in preparation for Revelations, and I had a rather interesting thought during my playthrough. There are only about three people in the entire world of the game that appear even the least bit overweight. Oh sure, you could blame this on the starving peasant class of the Middle Age setting of the game, but I’m not so sure that’s the reason.

The entire world, every city, countryside and building, is completely inaccessible by any reasonable means. Traversing the world is one giant obstacle course. If you want to go kill that unsuspecting guard at the top of that tower, do you know how you have to get to him? Fucking climb. No elevator. Not even stairs. Yeah. You CLIMB that tower by hand and get up there and do your murdering.

If you have a meeting with a thief on the other side of the city in five minutes and you can’t miss it, you climb a ladder and start jumping over rooftops and you don’t stop for freaking anything. If a guard gives you any grief over wandering over the rooftops, you just jump faster. If cities all over the world adopted the planning methods and architecture of Ubisoft’s interpretation of Rome, we could end the ‘obesity crisis’ that the media keeps hitting us with. Picture this: that thief you have to meet? He is now an important client that you need to give that presentation to today. That guard you need to kill that I mentioned earlier? He’s your mindless four-hour TV session after you get off work. Getting to either is now a huge workout.

If everyone’s basic day could be one giant workout, if exercising was something you had to do to get from point A to point B, I think we’d all end up in a lot better shape.

So city planners and architects, school principals and office managers, make the inside of the schools and office buildings jungle-gyms or obstacle courses you need to navigate to get anywhere. No taking the elevator two fucking floors anymore. You take some stairs and jump through some windows. Then go over the rooftops and drop down through another window. And then leap over a gap using a series of wooden beams and monkey bars.

Maybe we could all pick up fake Italian accents, too…

Image: Wizards of the Coast.

Coming to you straight from the not-biased-at-all opinions of ShufflingDead.com is another Magic Card of the Week! This week’s MCotW is Essence of the Wild from the Innistrad set.

So you’re heavily engaged in a duel with another player, trading little spells back and forth at each other all game but not really getting very far. Finally you have six mana. Shit’s about to go down.

Throw down the Essence of the Wild and watch him throw down. He’s a powerhouse 6/6 for 6, but that’s not all. Each creature that you play after him becomes a copy of Essence of the Wild, making those also 6/6s, but for whatever cost the card originally had to bring it into play. Play a Treetop Scout, a normal 1/1 for 1 mana. It becomes a 6/6…for 1 mana.

And don’t worry if your opponent nukes your first one. Each creature is a COPY, meaning that the ability is still active! So as long as you keep one Essence of the Wild out, you can pretty much just take a quick stomp down easy street to victory.

Image: Wizards of the Coast.

Welcome back to ShufflingDead’s Magic Card of the Week!

This week, it’s overkill time. Our pick for this week is Blasphemous Act.

Sometimes, Magic can be all about momentum. A critical part of the game is controlling the flow of the spellcasting, and it can be tough to turn the game around if you’re the one stuck responding. Well, respond with this.

Blasphemous Act’s mana cost is fairly prohibitive, but it’s got that handy ability that lowers the cast cost the more creatures that are in play, and if you need it, chances are it’s because your opponent has a load of creatures.

Drop this thing from your hand to nuke the entire battlefield, essentially resetting the board and giving yourself a chance to get your act together again.

Shower, taken

Breakfast, bacon

Attire, wrinkled

Bus pass, crinkled

Donut, sprinkled

Train, missed

Feeling, triste

Coworkers, pissed

Lateness, noted

Employee, undevoted

Timesheet, miscoded

Work, incorrect

Disdain, indirect

Revisions, needed

Instructions, repeated

Words, heated

Lunch, tasteless

Emails, faceless

Criticisms, baseless

Small talk, engaging

Internally, raging

Fakeness, suffocating

Coffee break, long

Work, again wrong

Sorrowful, song

Home time, desired

Avoided being, fired

Everyday, so tired

Image: Wizards of the Coast.

This week’s Magic Card of the Week is everyone’s favorite nightmare scenario, the Evil Twin.

Hailing from the newly released Innistrad set, this blue-black Shapeshifter will fit right into any army.

Put him into play for four mana as a copy of any creature on the battlefield, but with the activated ability to assassinate the original.

Summon Evil Twin, nail your opponent’s creature and you’re left with some decent battlefield advantage. Pretty goddamn powerful.

Evil Twin can alternatively be used on one of your own creatures to further boost your battlefield presence and advance your goals of wizardly pwnage.

Image: Wizards of the Coast.

The New Phyrexia set gave life to possibly the most Lightning Bolt-frustrating card I’ve ever seen. For that, Spellskite has come forth as this week’s Magic Card of the Week.

Dropping two colorless mana lets you pull Spellskite onto the battlefield, and with it’s variable activated ability cost it could fit nicely into any deck.

If you like your life total where it is, keep this guy in a blue deck.

A natural 0/4, this Artifact Creature can cause any spell to target itself for the low cost of just one blue mana (or two life in a pinch).

He’s tough enough to handle the light removal spells so he can selectively draw in spells multiple times. You can even use this creature to deny any buffs your opponent wants to put on his own creatures, simply redirect them to Spellskite.

A versatile tool for any control deck.

A nice thing for your ears.

Listen via iTunes – Download MP3

On this month’s episode of ShufflingDeadCast, we premier our new podcast, Radio Splode!

IMAGE: STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION. COPYRIGHT CBS PARAMOUNT STUDIO.

Plot: Riker, Data, and Yar head down to a soundstage in the process of investigating the mysterious disappearance of a starship. Riker soon finds the captain, or supposed captain, of this vessel, whose name I think is Pockmarked Ugly Face. Ugly Face turns out to be a projection created by a weapons system which was once being sold by the inhabitants of the soundstage. Picard and Crusher join the away team only to be trapped in a cave together, where their characters are conveniently given something to do.

Character Development: In this episode, the three highest ranking officers of the Enterprise beam down to planet Minos and are subsequently stranded, leaving Geordi La Forge in charge. Geordi is given an opportunity to be confident and prove the worth of his ongoing existence.

Also, Picard and Dr. Crusher are shoved into a cave together to chat it up, thus teasing the audience with the potential for romance that will fail to materialize.

Forehead of the Week: This honour has to go to the great Minosians, who invented an automated weapon system so powerful it destroyed them as its sales pitch. I think all the Darwin Awards were given to them after that, forever.

Memorable Quote: “At your service, captain.” – Data, upon leaping nearly 12 meters and landing his hulking mechanical body dangerously close to an already wounded Dr. Crusher

Image: Wizards of the Coast.

Ever found yourself thinking: “Wow, this would be so much easier with more creatures?” Well, wish no more! This week’s Magic Card of the Week is Conqueror’s Pledge!

Toss this in your soldier deck to virtually end the game with one card.

If your deck is working even half decently, the 6 1/1s that come into play for the affordable cost of 5 mana should be at least 3/3s, if not better.

This card might as well be an Overrun for all the rage it delivers into your opponent’s face.

The kicker cost on this card is, unfortunately, prohibitively expensive. If the game is really drawn out, this will end it. For the most part, if you get to 11 mana, you should have already won the game.

Throw these things into your soldier deck and drop the hammer on your poor bastard of an opponent.

Our old pals (read:me) at Splodinator.com are running an exciting contest for 2000 Nintendo Points. See video above for all the details.

Ka-pow!

With the E3 rush over with, I’m free to hop back aboard the ShufflingDead pain train for the occasional update. To begin with, I wanted to catch up our wandering readers over here with the latest from Splodinator, the glorious gaming site I’ve been pounding away on for the last three months.

You might be interested in my comprehensive report of Nintendo’s upcoming system, the Wii U. If that tickles your raging fancy, then maybe all of our other E3 coverage will too.

Also worthy of your eyes: the ten most memorable moments of E3s past.

Over at Splodinator I’ve reviewed Donkey Kong Country Returns and GoldenEye 007 for Wii, as well as the movies Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within and The Wizard.

Perhaps most excitingly, the Definitive 50 SNES games video series barrels onward. Find out what took 10th place right here.

If you miss ShufflingDeadCast, the ShufflingDead.com podcast, then you’ll be happy to know we’ve rebooted the show as Radio Splode. Listen to it with your ears today!

Image: Old Spice.

Image: Gaumont Film Company.

Folks, this is seemingly the war that will never end. Spock, Old Spice Guy, Korben Dallas, and Yoda have fought mightily for a week now, and at the end of things, two have ended up in a tie.

That leaves us with a single-day, no-holds-barred, winner-takes-all death-match between the likes of Old Spice Guy and Korben Dallas.

Now for wrath, now for ruin, and the red dawn!

Image: Old Spice.

Cock Wars 2011: Return of the Johnson began humbly. In the Alpha Quadrant, Jack Sparrow took down the Pikmin 12-6, Tesla beat out Felicia Day 11-6, Princess Leia triumphed over the Merfolk of the Pearl Trident 10-5, and Barney Stinson shot past Chewbacca 9-6.

It wasn’t until the Beta Quadrant polls were posted that it became apparent this would be a different kind of year. Rather than a tight race to the finish, we were about to watch a coronation. In round 7, Old Spice Guy blew out next-closest-competitor Luke Skywalker 15-4. When most winners were doubling their closest opponent’s tallies, he was almost quadrupling his.

The Old Spice Guy witnessed tighter competition in the second round. He managed 9 votes to Edward Norton’s 4, Charlie Sheen’s 3, and Lando Calrissian’s 3.

In the final battle, Old Spice guy faced competition who, for anyone else, would have been formidable: Abraham Lincoln, Princess Leia, and Sheldon Cooper. They all paled in might however, and were easily defeated. Lincoln took 4 votes back to the White House, Leia flew 2 back to Alderaan, and Cooper snatched 2 for the lab. Old Spice Guy, meanwhile, scored 11 points to decorate his shower with.

This won’t be the last of Old Spice Guy. Join him, Lincoln, and 14 other favourites from the history of Cock Wars beginning this Wednesday, May 18th when we kick off Cock Wars: The Blown Wars. This will be a two week contest between the greatest heroes in Cock Wars history, celebrating the conclusion of this magical 6 year journey. The top two from each year of Cock will be there, plus three very special previously disqualified candidates, and one rather purple dark horse from the mists of the past.

At “long” last, the trailer for Star Trek: The Next Generation: A XXX Parody is finally here!

Check out your favourite TNG characters “engaging” in adventures of both the science-fiction and sexual varieties. The plot fits in with the actual show, and the writing doesn’t seem much worse than some of its poorer episodes.

The special effects, in particular, are something to behold. They look better than the actual show. The actors look reasonably well cast as well, although Riker seems to have shaved down to just the goatee (maybe it’s really Thomas Riker).

The film will be “released” May 5th.

A nice thing for your ears.

Listen via iTunes – Download MP3

On this month’s episode of ShufflingDeadCast, we take a look at the launch of Splodinator.com, Cock Wars 2011, some of GoldenEye‘s finest moments, and, oh yeah, those Project Café Wii successor rumours.

You can now subscribe to our podcast via iTunes by clicking the link above. Be sure to give us your feedback and questions at hosts@shufflingdead.com.

Articles Discussed:

Cock Wars 2011: Return of the Johnson Nomination Request and FAQ
Project Café: The Comprehensive Report
10 Reasons Why the Original GoldenEye Still Kicks Ass, Part 1
10 Reasons Why the Original GoldenEye Still Kicks Ass, Part 2
Remembering the DS: Part 1, The Phat

Donkey Kong (Newbs)

Image: Nintendo.

Description: Donkey Kong is a massive gorilla with two interests: bananas and women. His adventures related to those two things fuel the joy of humanity. Once, long ago, the 800 pound behemoth kidnapped a young woman named Pauline. A stout plumber named Mario was forced to come to her rescue, and thus modern video games were born. More recently, Kong has repeatedly had his banana horde stolen by various evil animal forces, giving an excuse for much joyous platforming to be had.

Mega Man (Newbs)

Image: Capcom.

Description: Mega Man is an android of moderate strength who frequently (very frequently) builds himself into a state of astounding power through the harvest of upgrades from various robotic threats. Mega Man began life as a mere android before being converted into a fighting robot for the purpose of defeating the evil Dr. Wily’s nefarious machinations.

Abraham Lincoln (badjokebob)

Image: Public domain.

Description: “Honest” Abe Lincoln was the sixteenth president and he engaged in the ultimate pissing contest with Jefferson Davis. As a child he grew up in the raw frontier of America learning hard work and self sufficiency, his log splitting abilities are legendary. Abe was a Captain of militia during the Black Hawk War, he said they “lost more blood to mosquitoes than Indians” Despite this poor showing he was soon the president of a country at war with itself. As Commander in Chief he walked a fine line between trampling the rights of all Americans and ending the institution of slavery in America. He was able to keep a large and well supplied army in the field long enough for a General to figure out what to do with it.

Quote: Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the Earth.

Emperor Palpatine (Newbs)

Image: Lucasfilm.

Description: Emperor Palpatine, also known as Darth Sidious, is an especially devious Dark Lord of the Sith who manipulated his way through the ranks of the Republic and was ultimately elected President. From that position, he was able to orchestrate a manufactured war with a manufactured threat and convince the senate to appoint him Emperor.

As Emperor, Palpatine ruled with viciousness and malice, caring for nothing but his own power. Palpatine dissolved the Imperial Senate and believed he could maintain control through fear alone. It was a good plan, and he would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling rebels. The Emperor had no issue with annihilating entire planets in order to keep his Empire under control.

Palpatine’s force powers were likely the greatest of the modern era. He concealed the fact that he was a Dark Lord from the entire Jedi order during his rise to power, and defeated Yoda himself in a lightsaber duel.

Garak (BloodLark)

Image: CBS Paramount.

Origin: If you ask you’ll get a different answer.

Notable contribution: Garak is possibly one of the most influential individuals of DS9. At first seeming just a simple tailor, rumours of his rather important past would occasionally pop up. Eventually he was revealed to be the son and protégé of Enabran Tain, the head of the Obsidian Order. Forced into exile he had a brief relationship with Gul Dukat’s daughter. Then during the Dominion war, at the behest of Sisko, he assassinated a Romulan Senator to make sure the Romulans would not join with the Dominion. This action helped Starfleet to win the Dominion war.

Questions: Would you have lunch with him?

Death: Classified.

Quote: The truth is usually just an excuse for lack of imagination.

Dexter Morgan (Weskimo)

Image: Showtime.

Description: Dexter Morgan is a sociopath with an undeniable need to kill. He needs to feel those last shuddering breaths of his victims, see that shocked look in their eyes, and bear witness to their sudden violent demise. But Dexter is no ordinary serial killer. He may have no conscience, he may have very little in the way of humanity, but he possesses an extremely strong survival instinct, and so follows his Code for choosing victims as an integral part in never getting caught.

The differences in Dexter’s mind were quickly recognized by his foster father, a police officer frustrated at watching the law protect the guilty and the guilty walk free. And so, he curbed Dexter’s need towards fulfilling a purpose: Justice. Dexter’s Code forces him to hunt and kill only those he can prove are guilty of murder themselves. All his life, Dexter has honed his skills to be the most capable killer he could be, taking courses in advanced jiu-jitsu to better subdue his targets and even working as a forensics analyst for the police.

Efficient, deadly, and exceptionally good at cleaning up after himself, Dexter’s victims never see his attacks coming. He, however, will take some time to discuss the crimes of the accused with them after they have been restrained. His Kill Rooms are designed to have significance, meaning. He uses the backdrop to highlight to his prey the reason they have been chosen and remind them that they brought their deaths upon themselves.

What Others Are Saying: “You give me the fucking creeps, you know that Dexter?” – Sergeant Doakes

Special Moves: Murder, pretending to not be a murderer.

Dr. Cal Lightman (BloodLark)

Image: Fox.

Origin: A Brit

Notable contribution: Dr.Lighman is a rather large arsehole who is an expert at reading people’s body language. Specifically he excels in reading the micro expressions of someone’s face. It is thought these expressions reveal what you are truly thinking. Cal uses this ability to aid clients, solve crimes, and torment his employees.

Questions: Would you want someone to read your face?

Death: Bloody hell not yet.

Quote: Truth or happiness. Never both.

Queen Amidala (Newbs)

Image: Lucasfilm.

Description: Queen Padmé Amidala was a strong proponent of democracy during her position as senator for Naboo (how a queen can be in favour of democracy, I have no idea). During this time she was foolishly seduced by rape-face Anakin Skywalker who won her over by telling her she was better than sand.

Amidala died of grief (as happens so often to women in fiction I’ve discovered) shortly after the rise of Emperor Palpatine. She just managed to pump out two kids with Anakin though, whose names are Luke and Leia. They ultimately proved that their mother’s life was not a total waste.

Battle cry: “I will sign no treaty, Senator.”

Scarlett Johansson (Newbs)

Image: Public domain.

Description: Scarlett Johansson is an accomplished American actor who has appeared in two of my favourite movies: Ghost World and Lost in Translation. When she’s not appearing in beautifully melancholy films, she likes to be a political and anti-poverty activist.

ScarJo’s other interests include singing and twice-annual HIV tests.

Toucan Sam (Weskimo)

Image: Kellogg's.

Famous lines: “Follow your nose!”

Éowyn (Newbs)

Image: New Line Cinema.

Description: Éowyn is the niece of King Théoden and a shieldmaiden of Rohan. She grew depressed following her father’s death at the hand of orcs, and her mother’s subsequent death-by-grief. As Éowyn is female and a member of nobility, she was unable to avenge these deaths for a long time, forced instead to look after her sickly uncle while being stalked by the woefully unattractive Gríma Wormtongue.

Eventually, Rohan was able to cast out the evil influence of Saruman, and with it her uncle’s illness. Rohan ultimately went to war against the dark forces of Sauron, where Éowyn herself was able to sneak into battle. Tag-teaming with Merry, Éowyn was able to take down the Witch King of Angmar himself, of whom it was said no man could kill.

Battle cry: “I am no man.”

Gary Oldman (BloodLark)

Image: IMG_5478. CC-BY.

Origin: Born 1958 in Britain.

Notable contribution: He is one of the greatest and easily transformed actors. He is the actor that half the time you don’t even realize it’s him. He’s played characters in movies such as The Fifth Element, Air Force One, Hannibal, Harry Potter, and newest Batman movies. Every one of us will always remember him as Zorg, and the youngsters will remember him as Sirius Black. Seeing his name in the credits of any movie almost guarantees an incredible film. P.S. he was married to Uma Thurman for a while, weird.

Questions: Zorg or Sirius?

Death: Nope.

Quote: “Any actor who tells you that they have become the people they play, unless they’re clearly diagnosed as a schizophrenic, is bullshitting you.”

Scryb Sprites (Weskimo)

Image: Wizards of the Coast.

Description: The Scryb are a tribe of Faeries that lurk in Dominaria’a forests, waiting. Just waiting. Sure, they are often seen flitting about, frolicking amongst the trees and leaves, but don’t be fooled. They’re just waiting for you. Yes, you. Don’t stop and gawk at their miniature motions. Don’t linger over their antics. They’re out to hurt you. For one damage. The funnier you think they are, the more they want to hurt you. So just keep on walking. That’s right. Don’t look at them. They’ll get you if you look at them.

Special Move: Throwing berries

Alice (Newbs)

Image: Screen Gems.

Description: Alice’s early career was spent working as a security officer for Umbrella Corporation. It was there that she was left to combat the rampaging hordes of zombies created by the company’s weapons experiments. Alice went on to bond with the T-Virus, growing vastly in power.

Following the destruction of humanity by Umbrella’s T-Virus, Alice went on to lead a rag-tag bunch of survivors against Umbrella’s ongoing nefarious plots while battling a never-ending supply of zombies and super-zombies.

Hercules (BloodLark)

Image: Public domain.

Origin: Son of Zeus and the mortal Alcmene.

Notable contribution: He Completed the Twelve Labours set by Eurystheus, joined with the Argonauts to get the Golden Fleece, and freed Prometheus. Throughout his life he had to contend with his Hera, she was just a bit pissed at Zeus’ infidelities. When given the option of a pleasant/easy life or a severe/glorious one he chose glory and definitely lived up to it.

Questions: Tate Donovan or Kevin Sorbo?

Death: Hercules voluntarily had himself burned on a pyre while still alive. The fire consumed his mortal flesh and with that loss he became a true god.

Quote: Once you have harpies you can’t get rid of them.

Steven Spielberg (MerrGe)

Image: Public domain.

Description: Undoubtedly one of the most influential film personalities in history, Steven Spielberg is perhaps Hollywood’s best known director and one of the wealthiest filmmakers in the world. Spielberg has countless big-grossing, critically acclaimed credits to his name, as producer, director and writer. Nominated for 6 Academy Awards for best director, and another 6 for best picture, as well as 10 Golden Glode nominations for best director, and another 3 for best picture. But I think his work really speaks for itself.

Some highlights include work on Indiana Jones (all of them), Jaws, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Back to the Future (all of them), Jurassic Park (all of them), Men in Black (both), Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Schindler’s List (which he apparently asked not to be paid for), Memoirs of a Geisha, Twister, Gremlins, Saving Private Ryan, and Transformers (but we can forgive him for that one). His work also includes family fair like Balto, Animaniacs, Pinky and the Brain, Batteries Not Included, An American Tail (and Fieval Goes West), Hook, ET, and The Land Before Time.

I mean really, what more do you want from one man?

The Dude (Newbs)

Image: Universal Studios.

Description: Put simply, The Dude abides. Jeffrey “The Dude” Lebowski is a skilled bowler, and an even finer slacker. His laid-back attitude towards life has helped him endure hardships like the ruination of his rug, the death of his close friend, and involvement in a complex embezzlement scheme.

The Dude’s legacy lives on in the religion which his life inspired, known as Dudeism.

Battle cry: “Well that’s just, like, uhh… your opinion, man.”

Saruman (Newbs)

Image: New Line Cinema.

Description: Saruman the White came to Middle-earth as the head of Istari, a group of five wizards sent by the Valar to combat Sauron. Of the five, four failed in their tasks, but perhaps none harder than Saruman. Instead of screwing off like the blue wizards, or playing with animals like the brown wizard, Saruman actually teamed up with Sauron to really screw with The Fellowship and its allies.

What others are saying: “Tell me, ‘friend,’ when did Saruman the Wise abandon reason for madness?” – Gandalf

Starscream (Weskimo)

Image: Hasbro.

Description: Starscream is Megatron’s right hand man and arguably the second most powerful Decepticon in operation. He fiercely subscribes to the rule of “survival of the fittest” and is one damn highly ambitious alien robot.

Constantly looking for an angle to wrest control of the Decepticon forces from Megatron’s clutches, he also possesses an intense hatred for the Autobots and their allies, and uses that hatred to fuel his attacks upon them. Transforming into a fighter jet, he rains spite-charged rage upon his foes, delivering a destruction entreé with a side of cruelty to any in his bombing run’s path.

C-3P0 & R2D2 (Newbs)

Image: Lucasfilm.

Description: Of the many famous tag-teams in cinema history, perhaps none stand taller than the whining C-3P0 and his robust little companion R2-D2. C-3P0 began life as an engineering experiment by the eventual Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader. R2-D2 started out as a Naboo defense forces astromech droid, but went on to carry the designs of the Death Star within his rusty innards, a role which eventually became vital to the defeat of the Empire.

What others are saying: “Never tell me the odds!” – Han Solo

Count Chocula (Weskimo)

Image: General Mills

Description: Everyone’s favorite chocolate-loving vampire, Count Chocula, ruled the General Mills cereal lineup with an iron-bucktoothed-grin for the better part of two decades.

This guy had cereal mascotting down to a damn science. Monster: check. Sugary delicious cereal: check. Cult appeal: check. The man even got the Jewish communities up in arms over a medallion on the box that supposedly resembled the Star of David, so religious controversy: check. This prick was the original pop culture vampire, he didn’t need to be a sparkly pedophile vampire to get chicks, he stuck with the tried and true method of chocolate. It’s rumored he keeps a Toblerone in his pocket, if you know what I mean…

Famous Lines: “I vant to eat your cereal”

What others are saying: “Who the fuck is Count Chocula?”

Andrew Jackson (badjokebob)

Image: Public domain.

Description: Old Hickory was born in 1767 three weeks after his father died. His miserable childhood during the American revolution also featured the death of his two brothers and mother all in war related deaths. After being captured by the British he refused to polish an officers boots and was slashed at with a sword leaving him scarred for life.

For some reason little Andy grew up hating the British with a passion. During (technically it was just after) the war of 1812 the future 7th president of the United States kicked British ass so hard they never dared fight us in a war ever again. A few years later, after being ordered to fight Seminole Indians in Georgia he “accidentally” took Florida from the Spanish.

Jackson was not only a brilliant general but he was also a barroom brawler and duelist. He killed a dozen or so (records are incomplete) men that way. He won the plurality of votes for president in 1824 however his congressional enemies gave the top slot to the son of a former president (seems that some things never change). Instead of pouting and growing a beard Jackson fought back and took what was rightfully his four years later.

Bonus stats: +5 vrs. Britons. +3 duelist.

Joanna Dark (Newbs)

Image: Rare/Microsoft.

Description: Carrington Institute Agent Joanna Dark is a force to be reckoned with for any unnamed corporate henchman. Her work against the dataDyne corporation and its concerning conspiracies with alien forces has earned her a worthy reputation as mass-murderer.

Special moves: Circle-strafing with pistols in Felicity.

What others are saying: “Goodnight, Ms. Dark.” – Cassandra De Vries

Natalie Portman (Newbs)

Image: Natalie Portman. CC-BY-SA.

Description: Natalie Portman is a famed American/Israeli actor who has gained reputations for: being hot, being a terrible actor in Star Wars, being a decent actor in other things, and frequently using an awful fake English accent.

Natalie’s big screen debut came in the 1994 film Léon, which everyone should see because it is awesome.

Battle cry: “I will sign no treaty, Senator.”

Famous lines: “To drink and fight… to fuck all night.” – Natalie on SNL.

Sheldon Cooper (Weskimo)

Image: CBS.

Description: Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper, B.S, M.S, M.A, Ph.D, Sc.D, is possibly the smartest man ever fictionally created. Armed with a fully eidetic memory, a healthy distaste for human contact, and an undeniable sense of self-worth, Shelldor, level 85 Blood Elf, dominates his small social group with his intelligence and unassailable stubbornness. It’s often questioned why the group lets him get his way but the consensus is that it would be more work than it’s actually worth to argue with him.

Sheldon’s extremely high IQ of 187 leads him to lead an exceptionally logical, though egocentric, life. Despite this, his complete social ineptitude and tendency to bluntly speak his mind often get him into disagreements with friends, family, and the service industry. He also possesses any number of strange personal idiosyncrasies that leave him in conflict with the rest of the human world. These include germophobia, an obsessive attachment to routines, and a barely functional understanding of sarcasm, irony, or basic human emotion.

All of that being said, Sheldon’s not crazy; his mother had him tested.

Likes: The Comic Book Store. Spock. Trains.

Dislikes: Being interrupted or ignored. Friends bickering. Wil Wheaton.

Famous Lines: “That’s my spot.” “In the winter that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm, and yet not so close as to cause perspiration. In the summer, it’s directly in the path of a cross-breeze created by opening windows there and there. It faces the television at an angle that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide as to create a parallax distortion. I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point.”
“Oh, Mario. How I wish I could control everyone the way I can with you… Hop, you little plumber! Hop, hop, hop!” “Bazinga!”

Mountain Goat (Weskimo)

Image: Wizards of the Coast.

Description: The Mountain Goat’s power among 5th Edition Magic: the Gathering is legendary. He goes where he will, hits who he will, and delivers righteous horny thunder on unsuspecting opponents.

He doesn’t need sharp teeth, he doesn’t need battlefield dominating abilities, and he sure as hell doesn’t need your other bullshit creatures crowding him. Let the Goat do his damn thing and mountainwalk all over the fucking place.

Peter Jackson (MerrGe)

Image: Peter Jackson's Facebook page.

Description: One of only 7 directors who have won Best Picture, Best Director, and Best Screenplay (Orig/Adapted) for the same film. Formerly known for directing a bunch of horror movies, but all you really need to know is that he is responsible for the three Lord of the Rings movies. I mean really, what more do you want?

Special move: Losing 50 pounds

Quotes: “Don’t worry. Gollum isn’t going to be another Jar Jar Binks.”

What others are saying: “I always trusted him. If there was a way that I had seen something and he had seen it differently, I would… trust his vision. We were in brilliant hands.” – Elijah Wood

Pikachu (Newbs)

Image: Nintendo.

Description: Among the literally hundreds of Pokémon species which exist, the Pikachu has risen to be the most well known, and among the millions of Pikachus, the one known as “Pikachu,” whose master is Ash Ketchum, has become the lone animal in the universe most desired by Team Rocket.

All of this is for good reason. The thousands of hours of anime which Pikachu has starred in demonstrate that he is of a level beyond the cap. His electrical blasting powers are above those that maxed-out stats should allow.

Battle cry: “Piiikaaaaaachuuuuuuuuuu!”

Boba Fett (Newbs)

Image: Lucasfilm.

Description: Boba Fett had a hard childhood. He is a clone who was raised by Jango Fett as a son. This sole source of positive emotional connection was ended by the loose canon Mace Windu during the Clone Wars when Boba was still a child, a murder by decapitation which Boba witnessed firsthand. Fett went on to be a fearsome bounty hunter himself, tracking the Millennium Falcon for the Empire and later taking the frozen-in-carbonite Han Solo to Jabba the Hutt to collect a bounty.

Odo (BloodLark)

Image: CBS Paramount.

Origin: As a young Changeling he was shot out into space, he was then discovered in 2337.

Notable Contribution: Being a Changeling, one of Odo’s favourite pastimes is shifting into different objects, creatures, and surfaces. Every 16 hours Odo must return to his liquid state and prefers to relax in his bucket. As Chief of Security both under the Cardassian Occupation and Federation administration Odo is well known for being reliable and very good at his job. Odo has a long-time rival in Quark, the fact that Odo knows that Quark is always up to something is part of what makes Quark a good source of criminal information. Odo had a fairly active love life, he married Lwaxana Troi, had a fling with a female shape shifter, and had a long time crush but short time relationship with Kira NeNerys.

Questions: Just exactly how well can he shift (if you know what I mean)?

Death: Returned to the Great Link in 2375

Quote: “Laws change depending on who’s making them, but justice is justice.”

Richard Castle (BloodLark)

Image: ABC.

Notable Contribution: Writing such wonderful books as Storm Rising and Storm’s Break. He has been recently working on books starring his inspired character Nicky Heat. While having a teenage daughter and two previous marriages, Castle is still quite the lady’s man. He also tends to still have flings with his first ex-wife, whom he refers to as a “deep fried Twinkie.” Castle got permission to work with the police to help inspire his next set of novels. At first Beckett resents this paring but over time grows to appreciate Castle’s inventive and unusual way at looking at murders.

Questions: Has anyone read Heat Wave?

Death: To be determined

Quote: Did you know in the original Greek, “tragedy” literally means “goat song”? I know, doesn’t make any sense to me either, but whatever that first story was, I can’t help but think, bad things must have happened to that goat…

Ralph Fiennes (BloodLark)

Image: Ralph Fiennes. CC-BY-SA.

Origin: Born 1962.

Notable Contribution: Been in fantastic and critically acclaimed movies like Schindler’s List, The English Patient, Red Dragon, and the Harry Potter series. He has also been in a couple bombs like The Avengers and Maid in Manhattan. He is well known for playing deep characters. Unfortunately, while he has been nominated several times he has yet to win an Academy Award.

Questions: What will he do after Harry Potter?

Death: Yay not yet!

Quote: “I’m sure acting is a deeply neurotic thing to do.”

IMAGE: COPYRIGHT WIZARDS OF THE COAST

Welcome one and all to ShufflingDead’s Magic Card of the Week! This week’s card of power is Leyline of Anticipation, from the M11 core set.

Leyline of Anticipation allows you to play all your cards as though they had the Flash ability. For those unfamiliar with that one, a spell with Flash is able to be played at any time you could play an instant, regardless of it’s other spell types.

With this enchantment out you can freely rain creatures, artifacts, sorceries, and whatever else you like down on your opponent’s unsuspecting forces. Being able to surprise your enemies can pay off in a big way.

Also worth noting is the card’s first ability. Drawing this card in your opening hand lets you drop it for free at the start of the game.

Booya.

Ka-pow!

Some of you more loyal readers may be wondering “what the hell is going on with ShufflingDead? Why is the site updated 5 times a week instead of 20? Where is the Definitive 50???”

The answers to all those questions lay here, at Splodinator.com. That’s the name of the new site we’ve been developing over the past several weeks.

Put simply, Splodinator is a video game news and opinion website. It’s fun, chill, and non-crazy. We’re rebuilding the Definitive 50 there, and bringing over a few of the suitable articles from ShufflingDead history that fit the theme.

That’s not to say there isn’t new, highly awesome content at Splodinator already, either! Check out my reviews of Donkey Kong Country Returns and Yoshi’s Island DS. Early news stories include: Executive smackdown: Peter Vesterbacka vs. Satoru Iwata and Rumour: Ace Attorney Investigations 2 not getting western release.

Come on, subscribe to the RSS feed, fan the Facebook page! Join the Splodinator revolution!

So what brought this about? ShufflingDead is nearing its 10 year anniversary. That’s something I’m truly proud to say, as 10 years is a long time indeed for a website to survive. 10 years is also a long time to work on the same site, especially one so unfocused, and one you developed as a teenager. Frankly, I feel it’s time to (mostly) move on from this site. ShufflingDead will still shuffle a little, with certain features continuing, it’s just moving into semi-retirement.

IMAGE: STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION. COPYRIGHT CBS PARAMOUNT STUDIO

On this week’s episode of Star Trek, we are treated to a reasonably well written story with actual character development.

Plot: The Enterprise is called to the aid of a starship adrift in the neutral zone. Life signs are detected on board, and so a small away team is sent over to investigate. Geordi is given the chance to test out a “visual acuity transmitter” for his VISOR, which allows the bridge to see what Geordi sees. It turns out Geordi’s life is a non-stop acid trip in which light and shapes constantly flicker around him in a disorienting fashion. Oh yeah, and some Klingons are rescued. They come on board and mess with Worf’s head.

Character Development: In this episode, we learn that Worf is an actual character with an actual back story. He was rescued by a Starfleet officer and grew up as the adopted child of humans.

Forehead of the Week: There is no doubt that this honour should go to the mighy Klingons themselves. In this episode, we learn of their shouting-session as death ritual. We also get a chance to gain insight into the political discomfort some citizens of the Empire have with peace with the Federation.

Memorable Quote: “It is only a empty shell now, please treat it as such.” – A Klingon logically describing a dead body.

Quark (BloodLark)

Image: CBS Paramount.

Notable Contribution: Running the wonderful bar on DS9. Quark and Odo have an interesting adversarial friendship. Quark is always trying to pull off illegal get rich schemes and Odo tries to catch him. Quarks unusual loyalty and caring interferes with his profits. He has been known to pass up opportunities to save family. This trait is also why he is not in jail. It is better to have a thief you “trust” than one you can’t. He is also known for living religiously by the Rules of Acquisition.

Death: Data not found.

Quote: “The speed of technological advancement isn’t nearly as important as short term quarterly gains.”

Luke Skywalker (Newbs)

Image: Lucasfilm.

Description: Luke grew up knowing precious little about his family heritage. His father was Anakin Skywalker, who later became Darth Vader, pretty much the meanest dude in the galaxy. Once Luke met up with Vader’s old master, Obi-Wan Kenobi, things began to come together for him. He was able to shake out the infamous sand of his home planet and smack the Empire, along with his father, down all while becoming a Jedi.

Special moves: Switching off his targeting computer.

Old Spice Guy (MerrGe)

Image: Old Spice.

Description: “Hello, voters. Look at my competitors, now back to me, now back at my competitors, now back to me. Sadly, they aren’t me, but that’s all right because you can still vote for me. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re in front of a computer deciding between me and and some people who aren’t me. What’s in your hand? Back to me. It’s a mouse. You can use it to click and vote for me. Scroll up! Back down! Did you vote for me? You should. Why? Because I smell like Old Spice and I’m riding on a horse that’s made of diamonds.”

Special Moves: Smelling fantastic and doing the impossible

Battle Cry: “Swan Dive!”

Thomas Edison (BloodLark)

Image: Public domain.

Notable Contribution: Because he worked with telegraphs he nicknamed his first two kids Dot and Dash. He did invent things like the carbon microphone transmitter, the stock ticker, and the kinetoscope. He also designed the first commercial fluoroscope. Unfortunately, his first willing human guinea pig died from a lethal dose of radiation. He fortunately lost the “War of the Currents” to Tesla.

Questions: Do you know which invention Edison only bought the patents for and didn’t do himself?

Death: Died October 18th 1931 from diabetes.

Quote: “Anything that won’t sell, I don’t want to invent. Its sale is proof of utility, and utility is success.”

Neo (Newbs)

Image: The Matrix Reloaded poster. Warner Bros.

Description: Put simply, Neo is the one. He is the human embodiment of Keanu Reeves, as well as humanity’s hope for the future.

Neo may have started out as hacker slacker Mr. Anderson, but following his encounters with Trinity and Morpheus, he rapidly developed into the machine melting destroyer of the Matrix.

Special moves: Bullet time.

Battle cry: “Whoah.”

James Cameron (BloodLark)

Image: ETalk2008-James Cameron. CC-BY license.

Notable Contribution: Cameron made the two highest grossing films of all time. His touch is movie gold. He also made Terminator, Rambo 2, Aliens, The Abyss, Terminator 2, True Lies, Titanic, and Avatar. Dear god this man has made so many sweet films. He is known for his temper and is notoriously difficult to work under.

Questions: Why are all his highest grossing films the worst written?

Death: Not there yet.

Quote: “People call me a perfectionist, but I’m not. I am a rightest. I do something until it is right, and then I move on to the next thing.”

Elrond (Newbs)

Image: Lord of the Rings. New Line Cinema.

Description: Elrond is the Lord of Rivendell, a position which puts him into a class of “mighty rulers of old that remained in Middle-earth in its Third Age” according to Wikipedia. He’s also over 6000 years old.

Elrond has seen some shit. He attended the Siege of Barad-dûr where Sauron was defeated and the One Ring was walked away with, much to his annoyance.

Special moves: Chillin’ with Bilbo.

Edward Norton (BloodLark)

Image: Ednortongfdl. CC-BY-SA.

Notable Contribution: Being a kick ass actor in movies like The Score, Fight Club, American History X, and The Illusionist. While he has been nominated for several awards for his acting he has never won an Oscar. Norton has been interested in acting from a very young age. He is willing to put in a lot of effort for a role; he put on 30lb of muscle for American History X.

Questions: How long did it take you to figure out his character in The Score?

Death: No death.

Quote: “Fame is very corrosive and you have to guard strictly against it.”

Charlie Sheen (MerrGe)

Image:CharlieSheenMarch2009. CC-BY-SA.

Description: Winning.

Memorable Quotes: “I got tiger blood, man.” “I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.” “I’m tired of pretending like I’m not special. I’m tired of pretending like I’m not bitchin’, a total freakin’ rock star from Mars.” “I’m bi-winning. I win here and I win there. Now what?” “I’ve got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time — and this includes naps — I’m an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground.” “That’s how I roll. And if it’s too gnarly for people, then buh-bye.” “I probably took more drugs than anyone could survive. I was banging seven-gram rocks, because that’s how I roll. I have one speed, I have one gear: Go.” “People are mystified by this odyssey that refuses to quit calling itself Charlie Sheen.” “I am battle-tested bayonets, bro.” “It’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee, because I don’t have time for these clowns.” “I have a disease? Bullshit. I cured it with my brain.”

Bumblebee (Weskimo)

Image: Bumblebee. Hasbro.

After the Decepticons all but took over Cybertron and the Autobots were down to resistance movement-type fighting, Bumblebee was among the first team of Autobots sent to Earth to secure a source of Energon. Standing 15 feet tall and weighing in at innumerable tons of space-metal car, this yellow robot can freaking rock the house.

Many of the Transformers transform into some extreme forms of overcompensating cock-waving. But not Bumblebee. He doesn’t need to be a fighter jet, a semi-truck, a tank, or a fucking dinosaur. This guy is a goddamn yellow Volkswagon Beetle. This is one Transformer who is comfortable with what he’s got ‘under the hood’.

Fiercely loyal and brave almost to a fault, Bumblebee continually throws himself into the fray to help his friends. He is often commissioned to play a messenger or scout role because of his relatively small size (as far as alien robots go) but you never see him running from a fight. Bumblebee’s tactics and sheer nerve have carried the Autobot forces to victory time and time again.

Christina Hendricks (Newbs)

Image: Christina Hendricks @ Serenity Premiere. CC-BY.

Description: Christina Hendricks is a famed female actor of the modern era. Her best known TV appearance is as Joan Holloway in the hit drama Mad Men. She also played the character Saffron in two episodes of Firefly which rank as some of the hottest in television history.

Special moves: Taking over the internet every time she is photographed.

What others are saying: “Titties.” – Newbs

Mons’s Goblin Raiders (Weskimo)

Image: Wizards of the Coast.

4th Edition Magic the Gathering had no rival for the strength of the goblins. Often found hanging around with their orc cousins (remember orcs?), goblins were the backbone of any red deck, and Mons’s Goblin Raiders were the path to victory.

The fury of the goblins could not be contained by any army. There were just too many of them, and they all used goblin war drums to distract your defenders. Players the world over still wake up in cold sweats and stale fear, remembering the quaking terror they felt as they were crushed by wave after wave of 1/1 goblins.

Razor Ramon Hard Gay (sulci)

Image:Razor Ramon Hard Gay. CC-BY.

Description: Hard Gay is a tight bodied Japanese man of impressive stature. His quest is noble: to perform acts of charity. This sometimes (always) leads to awkward situations as Hard Gay’s mission for social improvement also includes his black PVC fetish getup.

Special moves: Pelvic thrusting along to the sweet rhythm of Ricky Martin’s “Livin’ la Vida Loca.”

Famous lines: “HOOOOO!,” “Say say say!”

James K. Polk (badjokebob)

Image: Public domain.

Description: Polk was the eleventh President of the United States and he had big brass balls the size of honeydew melons as evidenced by the fact that he survived gallstone surgery at age seventeen with nothing but a little brandy as anesthetic.

As president, Polk was ballsy enough to threaten war with England until they agreed to split the Oregon territory. Polk then annexed Texas ignoring threats from Mexico which led to the Mexican-American war and the acquisition of the California territory.

It is definitely un-pc to glorify a bloodthirsty expansionist but without him Montana, Wyoming, Colorado, Oklahoma and Louisiana would be the western border of America.

Lando Calrissian (Newbs)

Image: Lucasfilm.

Description: This guy goes from being a politician pussy whipped by the Galactic Empire to a general in the Rebel Alliance and pilot of the Millennium Falcon during its run as Death Star destroyer in the span of a single standard year.

Special moves: Alter ego Billy Dee Williams urinating in the same bathroom as Newbs.

Famous lines: “They told me they fixed it! I trusted them to fix it! It’s not my fault!”

Samus Aran (Newbs)

Image: Nintendo.

Description: Samus is a bounty hunter who always seems to be on one mission or another when her ship gets blowed up and her armour suit wrecked. Then she’s on a different mission, looking for ways to juice up her suit and get the hell back to whatever she does for fun. Raising pet metroids or something.

Special moves: Screw attack.

Famous lines: Doesn’t have any.

Battle cry: Doesn’t need one.

IMAGE: COPYRIGHT WIZARDS OF THE COAST

Welcome one and all to ShufflingDead’s Magic Card of the Week! This week we are featuring the Mirrodin artifact, Mindslaver.

The ultimate in control. There is no better way to perfectly sabotage an opponent than to know and control his every move.

Though a card like Mindslaver might seem expensive, keep in mind the pace of the game. If you have a deck with mana acceleration and you are at 6 mana early, great. If not, by the 6 mana time of the game, things are probably starting to get decisive.

That is the perfect time to unleash Mindslaver and take control of one of your opponents’ extremely critical turns.

Make him attack with his puny supporting creatures he’s been protecting all game. Cast his damage spells on his own army. Throw everything in your enemy’s arsenal in his face, embarrass him. You know you want to.

IMAGE: STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION. COPYRIGHT CBS PARAMOUNT STUDIOS.

In this week’s episode, absolutely nothing happens of any consequence.

Plot: Two Starfleet personnel have come for a visit. They want to interrogate the entire crew of the Enterprise and probe for any flaws in Picard’s command. Remarkably, this leads to many references to previous episodes, but never degenerates into a clip show.

Meanwhile, Wesley Crusher takes the Starfleet Academy entrance exam on Relva VII. The entrance exams appear to have been stiffened up since the likes of Reg Barclay graduated. Wes must beat out three other obnoxious wunderkinds to even get in.

Character Development: In this episode, we learn that Wes is too nice for Starfleet. The examiners know he helped another student, but they reward the cheater, instead of the helpful acting ensign.

Forehead of the Week: That great honour goes to the Benzite. These fishy creatures need mysterious vapours pumped onto their faces through Neil Young’s harmonica at all times to survive.

Memorable Quote: “I failed the first time.” – Picard, revealing the entrance exam is meaningless.

The humble goomba.

In the course of battling through innumerable levels and jumping over all kinds of stuff, Mario and Luigi were plagued by all kinds of bad guy flunkies. Goombas, Koopa Troopas, you name it, they had to deal with them before breakfast. But which of them was the most awesome?

Q (BloodLark)

Image: CBS Paramount.

Description: Introduced in the very first episode, “Encounter at Farpoint,” Q is an immortal and omnipotent alien from the race that makes up the Q Continuum.

He is the driving force behind the main story arch of Star Trek Next Generation. His humour and mischief brought about some of the most comical and memorable moments across three difference series of Star Trek. He once gave Riker the power of a Q and romantically pursued Janeway in Voyager.

Questions: What exactly is a Q?

Death: None, he’s immortal.

Quote: “He’s devious and amoral and unreliable and irresponsible and… and definitely not to be trusted.” Captain Jean-Luc Picard

George Washington (badjokebob)

Image: Public domain.

Description: Born in Virginia in 1732 he soon grew to a towering six foot two giant of a man in the day when five foot nine was considered tall. He survived a life and death struggle with the smallpox virus at age nineteen and went on to fight the French in the French and Indian war at the age of Twenty-two. During this time he learned the arts of war, leadership, bravery and persistence.

In 1775 he was appointed commander in chief of the continental army. He took the position knowing that the revolution was almost certainly doomed to failure and failure would mean disaster for him and his family. Washington lost many battles against the larger and better trained and equipped British army yet never surrendered and kept his army in the field until final victory in 1783. He then did the unthinkable by refusing the offered crown as George the First of America.

As the father of a country his cock must be totally awesome.

Barney Stinson (Weskimo)

Image: CBS.

What can you really say about Barney Stinson? He’s everything a man should be. He drinks every day, he sleeps three hours every night, and he has multiple sex partners. He’s doing everything right! Barney lives his life by the oldest and most sacred Code of all: The Bro Code. A strict Code dedicated to helping out other bros through thick and thin…unless, you know, he has got something going on at the time. The other bro can probably handle it.

Barney is famous for his mysterious corporate job, his totally awesome suits, and his almost inhuman skill at laser tag. But perhaps his most colossal accomplishment is the creation of “The Playbook”, a book where he has documented all of the “Plays” that bros can use pick up chicks. Some of the gems of this text include the “He’s Not Coming,” the “Ted Mosby,” and the incredibly involved “Scubadiver. ” Did you know he also doesn’t get sick? That’s right. Whenever he starts to feel sick, he just stops being sick and is awesome instead. True story.

Famous Lines: “Legen-wait for it…DARY!,” “Challenge accepted!,” “Haaaaaaaave you met Ted?,” “What UP!”

Battle Cry: “Suit up!”

Special Moves: Suiting up. Being awesome. Having had more than 200 sexual partners. High fives.

Chewbacca a.k.a. “Chewie” (Newbs)

Image: Lucasfilm.

Description: Chewbacca is the heroic co-pilot of the Millennium Falcon. His travels with infamous smuggler, Han Solo are the stuff of hairy legend. Chewie’s role in the Rebel Alliance was pivotal against the Empire. His achievements during that time include carrying C-3P0 around on his back, grunting, and commandeering an AT-ST walker.

Special moves: Violently spinning in Super Return of the Jedi.

Famous lines: “Warrrr waaaaarrrr waaaa”

What others are saying: “What a wookie!” – Supernova

Merfolk of the Pearl Trident (Weskimo)

Image: Wizards of the Coast.

These aquatic warriors are the key to the success of any blue creature attack, flapping their fins around, waving their pointy weapons, and costing one blue mana all over the place. Don’t mess with these guys. Seriously. They’ll stick you.

Back in 1995, these guys were one of blue’s most reliable creatures. They didn’t bounce back to your hand when they actually do something, and they can attack your opponent without having to repeatedly mutate his lands into islands. These guys were the real trident-head of the assault.

What Others Are Saying: “Are merfolk humans with fins, or are humans merfolk with feet?”

Special Moves: Costing 1 blue mana. Tridenting things.

Princess Leia (Newbs)

Image: Lucasfilm.

Description: Princess Leia was instrumental in the fall of the Empire during the Galactic Civil War. She was responsible for transferring to R2-D2 the Death Star plans, allowing the rebels to exploit a weakness found within those details. Unlike her ugly-ass brother, who was raised by moisture farmers, Leia was adopted by royalty because she was blatantly the superior of the two.

Special moves: Kissing her brother.

Battle cry: “Someone get this big walking carpet out of my way!”

What others are saying: “I know.” – Han Solo

Arwen (Newbs)

Image: New Line Cinema.

Description: Arwen is the youngest, and hottest, daughter of Elrond, Lord of Rivendell. Some claim that she has the magical ability to summon a river to do her bidding and use it to sweep away nothing less than a rampaging team of Black Riders.

Less controversially, she wound up marrying the king of men at some point, and managed to live to be 2901 years of age.

Achilles (BloodLark)

Image: Dr.K. CC-BY-SA.

Description: The child of Thetis the nymph and Peleus King of the Myrmidons.

Achilles is the main character in the Iliad. Being a great warrior, he played an important role in the battle of Troy. Achilles also pissed off Apollo by defacing his temple. His legend lives on today in the idiom “Achilles Heel.”

Questions: Why didn’t his momma double dip?

Death: Killed by an arrow in the heel that was shot by Paris.

Quote:
Sing, goddess, of Achilles ruinous anger
Which brought ten thousand pains to the Achaeans,
And cast the souls of many stalwart heroes
To Hades, and their bodies to the dogs
And birds of prey

Nikola Tesla (BloodLark)

Image: Public domain.

Description: It is thought that Tesla had synaesthesia. He also had the astonishing ability to fully mentally build any of his inventions. He would never commit anything to paper before he had fully examined and proved a concept in his own mind. Tesla and Edison were adversaries since Tesla promoted AC and Edison was promoting DC. Tesla patented designs for AC motors, and things like a primitive radar device. Some of the ideas he worked on were a “death ray,” the wireless transmission of electricity, and energy shields. Tesla was definitely a man who could see well beyond the scope of his time.

Questions: What could Tesla have done if he had access to our level of technology?

Death: Died of heart failure in 1943

Quote: “I do not think there is any thrill that can go through the human heart like that felt by the inventor as he sees some creation of the brain unfolding to success… Such emotions make a man forget food, sleep, friends, love, everything.”

George Lucas (MerrGe)

Image: Wikimedia. CC-BY-SA.

Description: George Lucas is an American producer, screenwriter, director and billionaire. He has been nominated for numerous Academy Awards and has won several life time achievement awards. He has donated millions to charities and has been credited on such movies as American Graffiti, Indiana Jones, The Land Before Time (yeah, the dinosaur one), and Labyrinth. Not enough for you? Well how about this:

THIS MAN CREATED STAR WARS. The movie series that revolutionized special effects, pop culture and the entire sci fi genre. The movie series that gave birth to some of the most badass characters in movie history (the man invented Darth Vader for cryin’ out loud!). The movie series that gave us some of the most awesome and recognizable sound tracks in history (did someone say Imperial March?). The movie series that gave us The Force, lighsabers, Death Stars, and The Dark Side. The movie series that brought science fiction back to the mainstream, and revitalized the entire genre to pave the way for all the other recent science fiction movies and tv series that probably would of never seen the light of day without it. And I’m sure that everyone who saw these movies when they were young remembers watching them for the first time. So lets show a little appreciation for the man that made this all possible, shall we?

Felicia Day (Newbs)

Image: felicia.day. CC-BY.

Description: Along with being an accomplished film, television, and commercial actor, Felicia Day is an internet superstar and geek goddess. She stars in The Guild, a popular web series which she also created and writes. She also played Penny in the great internet musical, Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog. Felcia starred in the most romantic commercial of all time.

Geoffrey Rush (BloodLark)

Image: Anthony Chu. CC-BY-SA.

Description: Currently most commonly known as Captain Barbossa from the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, Rush has received attention for his role in The King’s Speech. He also has had several darker roles such as Stephen Price in House on Haunted Hill and the Marque de Sade in Quills. His acting ability has been acknowledged by several awards, such as an Oscar for his role in Shine.

Questions: Where else have I seen him?

Death: Not dead yet.

Quote: “When you get to tongue kiss Kate Winslet and get paid for it, you say: I’ll sign!”

Jack Sparrow (Newbs)

Image: Walt Disney.

Description: Jack Sparrow is the grooviest pirate to ever sail the high seas of confusing plot twists and irrelevant battles. His charm and wit have propelled him into the league of super-star womanizers. Over his impressive pirating career, Sparrow has managed to rack up a 10,001 guinea bounty and membership in the exclusive Brethren Court. Sparrow’s fighting style has lead even Wikipedia to note that his weaponry consists of “anything conceivable.”

Battle cry: Savvy?

The Pikmin (Newbs)

Image: Nintendo.

Description: Pikmin are small, plant-like creatures which live among the other small things of the world. Pikmin live in flying onions which also protect them from night-time dangers. When organized, Pikmin are capable of complex archaeological and construction jobs. Depending upon the specific race, Pikmin are capable of many different tasks. Some can carry bomb rocks, others can survive in water, some are capable of great strength, and some are even poisonous.

Pikmin come highly recommended as support staff following a spaceship crash.

Trix Rabbit (Weskimo)

Image: General Mills.

The tricksiest rabbit of them all, the Trix Rabbit hops circles around each and every box of Trix, just waiting for some poor kid to look away from his bowl of delicious fruity cereal for a couple of seconds. This dastardly bunny disguises himself with every manner of G-rated deceit imaginable in constant attempts to confuse and confound children aged 5-12. He even went so far as to place a fake mail-in plebiscite on boxes of cereal to trick kids into voting “yes” to allow the rabbit to eat Trix.

General Mills, confused by this, but sure that it must have been authorized somewhere along the corporate conga line of decision making, awarded the incredibly clumsy rabbit with a bowl of cereal. It turns out that Trix tastes like fruity victory.

What others are saying: “Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!”

Captain Falcon (Newbs)

Image: Nintendo.

Description: Falcon leads a double life as a bounty hunter and accomplished futuristic racer. His skin-tight blue uniform reveals a carefully sculpted raw and masculine muscle structure, with his nipples alone being the stuff of legend.

As a bounty hunter, the captain is as deadly off the tracks as he is on. His Falcon kicks and Falcon punches are understood by participants in fighting tournaments to be of special destructive power.

Battle cry: “Show me your moves!”

IMAGE: COPYRIGHT WIZARDS OF THE COAST

Welcome back to ShufflingDead’s Magic Card of the Week, where this week we will be honoring goblin miscreant, Tuktuk the Explorer.

Tuktuk costs three mana to bring into play exploring for your side.

It’s also worth mentioning that he possesses the Haste ability, allowing a quick surprise attack should your opponent tap out his forces. Unfortunately, this surprise attack will only put you on the board for 1 damage.

While not being much to look at himself, Tuktuk Explorer comes equipped with another ability. When he is put into the graveyard from play, you get yourself a shiny new 5/5 artifact creature token.

Pretty neat, huh?

IMAGE: STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION. COPYRIGHT CBS PARAMOUNT STUDIOS.

In this Star Trek episode of the week, we explore the meaning of life.

Plot: The Enterprise checks in on a terraforming colony operated by a handful of the shifty and shady. After a murder takes place on the colony by a rogue drilling laser, Data has to act fast to take the contraption down (see above). It turns out the machinery has been hijacked by a previously undetected crystalline life form.

Character Development: In this episode, Counselor Troi informs us that Director Kurt Mandl of the terraformers is nervous after he blatantly appears standoffish and, well, nervous. This is important to remember for later episodes when it becomes clear that the only interesting characteristic of Troi is her mother.

Forehead of the Week: That title goes to the unnamed crystal organism living on the supposedly dead world of Velara III. Some of the crystal is brought back to the Enterprise where it begins to reproduce. This chunk of material becomes known, insultingly, as the microbrain.

Memorable Quote: “Ugly giant bags of mostly water.” – The crystal life form in its astute assessment of the human interlopers.

Image: Nintendo.

Throughout the many Legends of Zelda, Link makes use of a rather large variety of weapons. Indeed, the little elfin guy manages to carry an inordinate amount of crap around with him at all times, while lacking even a backpack. Those tunics must have a ton of pockets or something.

Anyway, all of you, tell me what your favorite of Link’s items are. Please leave a comment if I haven’t listed yours in the poll!

Image: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Warner Bros.

The third movie of the Harry Potter series, Prisoner of Azkaban, has received the award Movie of the Decade at the First Light Awards. The First Light Awards are held annually and are largely to celebrate short films made by youth under 19.

The film was up against other box office heavy-hitters such as Shrek and Up, along with Happy Feet.

Combined with Peanut Turner’s supporting testimony on one of ShufflingDead’s Questions of the Week, this seems enough like conclusive evidence to me.

Source: BBC

Image: The Hobbit: 70th Anniversary Edition cover art.

Filming of The Hobbit has finally begun. After numerous production problems, strike threats, talk of location change, and director Peter Jackson’s ulcer surgery, word has reached my ears that the two-part movie has started production.

Martin Freeman will star as Bilbo in this one, and fans of the LotR movie trilogy will see several familiar faces, including Sir Ian McKellen as Gandalf and Elijah Wood as Frodo. Also returning will be Andy Serkis as the Precious-chasing Gollum.

The first movie of The Hobbit is expected to be seen on the big screen sometime late in 2012.

Source: BBC

Image: LiveLeak.com

This week’s interneter is the 15-year-old juggernaut, Casey Heynes. Casey’s story, really a heroes journey condensed into a brief video clip, has taken the internet like a body slam into pavement.

Casey’s problems in life echo those many of us interneters have faced. He was bullied since childhood, and things kept going in high school. Casey reports having names like “fatty” being tossed at him along with random acts of violence.

It’s Casey’s solution to those issues that make him stand out. One day, Casey had had enough. A smaller boy, Ritchard Gale, was punching and poking at Casey repeatedly when Casey finally decided to use his size to his advantage. The legend heaved Ritchard up, and upside down, then slammed him forcefully onto the hard walkway.

Since the incident, Casey has received an outpouring of positive attention from the internet and local media, but he’s been left alone at school.

Casey Heynes, ShufflingDead salutes you on behalf of the internet and all of nerdom, for you have precisely expressed our frustrated desires.

He piled upon the whale’s white hump the sum of all the general rage and hate felt by his whole race from Adam down; and then, as if his chest had been a mortar, he burst his hot heart’s shell upon it.

IMAGE: COPYRIGHT WIZARDS OF THE COAST

This week’s MCotW is Dragonmaster Outcast, from the Worldwake set.

This shaman may not look like much, being a 1/1 creature for 1 red mana, but he has potential to be a serious problem for your opponents.

During each of your upkeeps, if you have six lands, Dragonmaster Outcast will gift you a 5/5 flying dragon for free, just for letting him hang out.

Nice guy.

My first thought when I saw this little bastard was “wow, this needs to be in my dragon deck,” but really, there are so places where he can be applied.

He only costs one red and his ability is triggered by lands, not just mountains so there is no need to restrict him to a mono-red deck.

Toss him into any deck where you’ve splashed red, and you’ll definitely see some results, dragon-beatdown-style.

IMAGE: STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION. COPYRIGHT CBS PARAMOUNT STUDIOS.

On this week’s Star Trek episode, Wesley Crusher is asked by a group of aliens to repopulate their species.

Plot: The Enterprise stumbles upon the rumoured planet of Aldea, only to find its residents are not as awesome as legend would have them believe. The Aldeans have lost the ability to reproduce, and they kidnap children from the Enterprise with the hopes of kick-starting a new generation for their planet.

Character Development: In “When the Bough Brakes,” we learn that Harry Bernard, son of Starfleet lieutenant Harry Bernard, Sr., is not a fan of calculus.

Forehead of the Week: The Aldeans of Aldea have incredible lives. Their computers do everything for them, they are hidden from the rest of the galaxy, they get to spend their time doing whatever they want, and they have absolutely no children to bother them. Aldeans have the greatest culture in Star Trek history.

Memorable Quote: “Things are only impossible until they’re not.” – Picard, being profound.

Big shout out to Rebecca Black for making this day possible. The 13 year-old YouTube sensation is variously telling us like it is, supplying the beats to help us get down, and reminding us what days make up the week.

Black’s song about the important life decisions 13 year-olds have to make such as what seat to take in a car was produced and written by Ark Music, who was paid $2000 for the honour. Her 13 million views can likely be ascribed to the very relatable struggle we all face of having to eat cereal out of a bowl.

Image: Homefront boxart. THQ.

It seems internet detectives are not the only ones who care about review scores.

THQ, the video game developer and publisher that no one can believe is still in business, took a stock market beating on Tuesday as reviews of its upcoming FPS, Homefront, turned negative.

The lower scores came out on Tuesday, while earlier (read: fanboy make-believe) reviews praised the game.

Homefront takes place in a fictional future and appears to be yet another derivative clone of Modern Warfare, judging by the 30 seconds of research I bothered to do for this piece.

Source: Gamasutra

Image: Dragon Age II boxart. EA/BioWare.

Remember when you were a child and nothing mattered more than your favourite game being better than someone else’s favourite game? Well, the nerdlingers who used to have those fights have grown up to make games of their own, and are now brawling online to ensure their work is counted as the best.

Internet detective GatoFiasco has discovered that an engineer at BioWare actually bothered to give Dragon Age II a perfect 10 on Metacritic’s user reviews. The numerical praise was accompanied with some flowery text, including:

Anything negative you’ll see about this game is an overreaction of personal preference. For what it is, it is flawlessly executed and endlessly entertaining.

A rogue employee getting a little too excited about his or her work is understandable, but EA has remarkably defended the review. The company likened the act to Obama voting for himself in an election. That comparison doesn’t quite stand up to FTC guidelines, which note that user reviews of this nature are likely to be influenced by employment and should include disclosure of the relationship to the product’s maker in order for readers to determine the credibility of the review.

Source: Kotaku

Come on, 3DS!

The NPD Group has once again given us an anorexic view of video game sales in the United States, this time for February 2011.

The three consoles all sold similarly, with the 360 kinecting with 535,000 purchasers. The Wii waggled 454,000, while the PS3 moved 403,000. In other news, my jokes are pathetic.

An absence of handheld numbers for another month probably indicates that the DS’s sales have slowed to “middling” ahead of the 3DS launch, and the PSP is languishing in defeat. Nintendo will presumably be proud enough of 3DS’s sales that we’ll get those in the months ahead.

On the software side, Call of Duty: Black Ops took top spot. The title has now moved 13.7 million units across all of its various console iterations. That’s good enough to give it the title of best selling game in the United States ever, sort of. The numbers only work if you don’t include pack-ins (Nintendo has sold 35 million Wiis in the US, and therefore 35 million copies of Wii Sports) and insist on counting the sometimes vary different versions of the game for different systems as the same thing.

Source: NeoGAF

IMAGE: COPYRIGHT WIZARDS OF THE COAST

Recently appearing in the Mirrodin: Besieged set, Go For The Throat is our Magic Card of the Week.

In this new expansion, it is no surprise that one of the most terrifying cards in your arsenal is an improvement on Terror itself.

Go For The Throat shows itself an expert in quick creature removal, doing away with the old “non-black, non-artifact” qualification to its targets, and simply making it “non-artifact.”

Two mana is all it takes to put one of these in the chamber, and then it’s just point and cast from there.

You can never have quite enough easy creature kills. Having cards like these around keeps your opponent off balance, never quite knowing when their carefully laid battle plans could come apart in a split second.

IMAGE: STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION. COPYRIGHT CBS PARAMOUNT STUDIOS.

This is the second episode of Star Trek in a row to offer an intriguing plot. A first for TNG.

Plot: Admiral Mark Jameson has been tapped to deal with a hostage situation on Mordan IV. He dealt with the governor there, Karnas, during a similar hostage situation 45 years ago. It turns out Jameson had gotten up to some Iran–Contra style arms-for-hostages shenanigans the last time around, and Karnas wants revenge.

Character Development: In this episode, we learn that 24th century sensibilities have trained the crew of the Enterprise to refrain from commenting on the molten-like state of Jameson’s skin. Only as he de-ages and begins to look human again does anyone complain.

Forehead of the Week: “Too Short a Season” largely revolves around the political problems of a species known as the Mordanite. They look, dress, and act exactly like humans.

Memorable Quote: “I’m fit! I’m fitter than you are Picard and I’m getting younger!” – Mark Jameson, raising hope that he and Picard may awkwardly grapple.

Image: Nintendo.

Hey folks, Newbs here. Weskimo is out for the count this week, which means his duties as Question of the Week supplier are open to be commandeered.

The all new Pokémon Black and White hit stores this week, which has got me thinking about those rascally little pocket monsters. One of the big draws of the new games is that you will not see or catch any of the Pokémon from previous generations, except (spoilers) maybe later.

I still have a strong attachment to the ‘mons of old, however, and would like to celebrate their radical greatness with this week’s poll. Tell me, who is the raddest Pokémon?

I recognize there a few more contenders than those listed, so feel free to register your favourite in the comments below if you do not agree with my nominations.

Image: Quaker.

Authority figure for generations Cap’n Crunch will no longer order children to do his nautical bidding, maybe. Word recently broke that Quaker was pulling away from marketing the crunchy stuff to kids.

Soon afterward, the world was greeted with news that the Cap’n was alive and well, sailing the high seas of the internet on Facebook and Twitter.

It’s not clear if Quaker really is easing marketing, or if this was all a hoax to promote the more internet-savvy Cap’n. Word is that the great roof-of-mouth cutter isn’t selling as well as it used to thanks to a bad reputation for containing grossly too much sugar.

Quaker may be trying to switch direction, keeping adult fans happy while not pursuing the children’s market.

Source: Life Inc., twice

Image: BioWare

With yesterday’s launch of Bioware’s Dragon Age II in mind, I thought I would bring up something I’ve been meaning to report on. Felicia Day, the internet’s second hottest redhead, has put together a live-action webseries based on the Dragon Age universe titled Dragon Age: Redemption. She’s well known for her roles in the popular webseries The Guild and Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog. The trailer for Dragon Age: Redemption can be viewed here.

Felicia Day stars as Tallis, an elven assassin, on a quest to capture a renegade wizard, gathering companions as she goes. This six-part webseries is set to launch in Summer 2011, and promises to turn Dragon Age and fantasy nerds everywhere into drooling messes. I think I’ll preemptively start drooling all over myself about now. Might as well get it out of the way, right?

Source: USA Today

Image: Star Wars Attack of the Clones. Lucasfilm.

Five years ago, I declared Cock Wars open for stupidity with the intention of running it annually for six years (based only on the fact that there are six proper Star Wars films with titles for me to parody). Well, we’re nearly there.

This is the very last year that you have to let your voices heard in the profound War of the Dicks. Post your nominations for contestants in the comments section below. Remember: no repeats from previous years allowed, and volunteering to write the description for your nomination greatly raises the chances of your competitor being accepted into the actual competition.

The first Cock Wars 2011 “polls” will open Thursday, March 31, 2011, and will run for exactly one week. This will go on every Thursday for a total of six weeks, when a champion will be declared.

That’s not all for Cock Wars this year, however, as Return of the Johnson will immediately be followed by Cock Wars: The Blown Wars. This will be a faster, 16-entrant competition featuring previous Cock Wars champions, near-champions, and disqualified candidates. After two weeks of this, an overall god will be declared, and I will at long last be freed of this childish distraction.

For the less familiar Cock Warriors, please read the FAQ which follows.

What is Cock Wars?

Cock Wars is the ultimate battle for supremacy in the universe. Competitors use their strength of dong to claim superiority over others.

How does it work?

I will post the polls on the front page of ShufflingDead, you vote for who you think is the most awesome in each, the winner moves on to the next round. Polls will run for a full week, and, until the final, four will be posted at a time.

How do I vote?

Polls will be run here on the front page of ShufflingDead. Anyone can vote, provided he or she has the coordination to select a contestant in each poll.

Who is eligible for Cock Wars 2011?

Basically any real person, fictional character, organization, or entity ever is a viable contestant. Historical figures, real or fake company mascots, real or fake companies, movie characters, comic book characters, book characters, TV show hosts, video game characters, etc. Anyone or anything you can think of! Repeats from Cock Wars 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, and 2010 are NOT allowed.

Get your nominations in now by posting them in the comments section below. I’m far more likely to accept your nominations if you simultaneously volunteer to write those nominees’ descriptions.

How many contestants will there be?

64 contestants, with four entrants per poll.

How long will it last?

Less than two months!

When does it start?

The first four polls will open Thursday, March 31, 2011. Those polls will be closed the following Monday, when four new polls will open.

Will there be character descriptions this year?

I personally despise writing the character descriptions, but we’ve had a lot of fun over the last couple years with volunteers handling the bulk of write-ups. My hope is to have user-submitted descriptions become the norm, so if you’d like to volunteer and make my dream a reality, let me know along with your nominations.

IMAGE: COPYRIGHT WIZARDS OF THE COAST

This week’s Magic Card is none other than the dragon-badass Ancient Hellkite.

Despite the high mana cost that this giant bastard demands before he’ll rouse himself to your cause, he can be a tremendous asset on the battlefield. Seven mana is not often an easy cost to choke down, but it will likely be an investment in victory in Ancient Hellkite’s case.

This 6/6 flying fire-breather doesn’t have the typical dragon ability of just adding to his power for a mana cost, ineffectually overkilling the balloon brigades of goblins assigned to block them.

No, he uses the mana and just starts nuking defending creatures before they’ve even been assigned to block.

Use this ability to have Ancient Hellkite burn holes in your opponent’s defenses so that he or more of your vassals can get through to tear up your enemy’s face.

IMAGE: STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION. COPYRIGHT CBS PARAMOUNT STUDIOS.

On this week’s episode, we get an inside look at a mad pimp’s holiday. As a bonus, this episode marks the first signs that TNG might be a decent series.

Plot: The Enterprise is in for some maintenance and upgrades. Most of the crew leaves to play made up games that require diving suits, but Riker decides to stay on board to watch over the aliens working on the ship’s computers. Leaving Wes Crusher to do the actual supervising, the Commander ends up on the holodeck, stretching his jazz skills. It’s here that he becomes entranced by holodeck character Minuet.

Character Development: This Riker-heavy episode reveals that the man isn’t even into womanizing for the sex, he just loves the thrill of flirting. He does this by grinning devilishly and speaking in calm, confident tones. Fascinating.

Forehead of the Week: The purple-headed Bynars take this supreme honour. They are a species interconnected with a main computer that keeps them organized in pairs. They hijack the Enterprise to back up their computer when it is in danger to keep their species going. Apparently, the Enterprise’s computer is the only one the galaxy awesome enough to do this.

Memorable Quote: “If winning is not important, then Commander, why keep score?” – Worf, unleashing some profundity on Riker.

Image: Ochenbara: Bikini Samurai Squad box art.

Those of you who frequent our forum discussions might be familiar with our lists of ‘Never-Beaten Games’. Well, mine has been increasing recently, virtually unchecked, as I’m currently rounding out my third playthrough of Mass Effect 2 (by the way, totally deserving of Game of the Year, Newbs). Yes, I’m a filthy addict.

Anyway, I’ve decided I need to and tackle a couple of these games and knock them off the list. But the unbeaten bastards have multiplied and I can’t decide. I’ve narrowed it down to four, however, so you guys get to decide what I’ll be wasting my time on for the next little while.

1. Ochenbara: Bikini Samurai Squad. Ya, two Japanese sisters ripping apart Zombies with swords. This game can only be awful.
2. Prince of Persia. I’ve heard good things. This is the one where you have that magic chick helping you out in combat all the time or whatever.
3. The Last Remnant. This will be my third attempt to destroy this game. It is a level-grinding  nightmare, but the strategy is kind of interesting for a while.
4. MTV’s Pimp My Ride. I can ‘Roll with Xzibit’ according to the back of this game… that’s something to look forward to.

So what’s the deal, ShufflingDead readers? Which game should I play next?

Skyward Sword isn’t the only Zelda title Nintendo will be providing us with this year. The Ocarina of Time remake for 3DS is also well on its way, as these screenshots reveal.

Nintendo’s revamped eShop that will eventually be coming to 3DS will include titles from the Game Gear and TurboGrafx-16 libraries. Game Gear doesn’t come as much of a surprise, but this is the first indication we’ve had that the 3DS’s shop won’ tbe limited to previously handheld games.

Rumour has it that The Hobbit‘s two parts have two names, those being The Hobbit: There and Back Again, and The Hobbit: The/An Unexpected Journey.

Resident Evil 5 (the movie) is bound for theatres September 14, 2012. Everything between now and then is a waiting game for the cinematic treasure.

Nathan Fillion makes an offhand remark about wanting to restart Firefly if only he had the money, and crazy people start sending him cash until he asks them to stop. I wish I had that problem.

Blade Runner, the movie that gets good once you’ve seen it about six times, is getting a sequel and/or prequel. This likely ends my enjoyment of quoting the original.

Image: apple.com

As I was too lazy to report on yesterday, Apple’s own Steve “I work even when I’m dying” Jobs has announced the iPad 2.

Changes from the original design include it being thinner and lighter. It also has a faster processor and a rear-facing camera.

All features of the original iPad remain, including awkward typing, blatant inferiority to laptops, lack of Flash support, and exorbitant price (up to $829).

Get yourself another credit card quick, the iPad 2 launches March 11.

Source: arstechnica

The announcement of a new Mario game for 3DS wasn’t all Iwata had up his proverbial sleeve at GDC yesterday. The Nintendo president also showed off a new trailer for the upcoming Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword, viewable above.

The new footage gives stronger hints at what gameplay will be like compared with previous media. Use of Motion+ is evident in things like a block rotation puzzle and traps which require precise sword swings.

There is a “shield” gage which appears under Link’s health, a first for the Zelda series. Link’s sometimes female companion/sometimes sword shows up as a usable item in the HUD as well. What that implies is unclear.

A number of larger non-boss enemies also showed up in the trailer, which has me excited. I’ve always liked the bigger battles in Zelda games that were more about sword skills than obvious “boss gimmicks.”

One weird jester-looking character made an appearance. The white-hair-having, purple-eyeliner-wearing mystery many may be important to the story.

While he was chatting about Zelda, Iwata also mentioned the 25th anniversary of the series and showed off a corresponding logo. Wild speculation indicates something collectible is on its way as part of the celebration.

Image: NeoGAF

Nintendo president Satoru Iwata held his keynote at GDC today, and he did not disappoint.

He confirmed a new 3D Mario game for 3DS is on its way (that is to say, a game with polygonal graphics with stereoscopic effects and with Mario 64/Mario Galaxy style 3D gameplay). The game is being developed by the same team that made Galaxy and Galaxy 2, so odds of face-breaking quality are high.

Only a few screens were shown, but they betray two important facts: Mario can lose his hat and the graphics are spectacular. The game’s logo was also shown, and it includes a “tail,” which indicates that either the “Super Leaf” or “Tanooki Suit” upgrades from Mario 3 are back. I have to wager on the Super Leaf.

“Some” say the 3D effects allowed by the 3DS allow for more precise jumping in 3D space.

Source: NeoGAF

Image: Adapted from pcroom by JoopDorresteijn under a CC-BY license.

Maybe Vietnam, with its anti-online gaming stance, is on to something.

A Chinese man who spent three days straight gaming at an internet cafe outside Beijing has died. The death was preceded by the man not sleeping, barely eating or moving, and slipping into a coma.

I’m not a doctor, but I don’t think treating your body like shit generally leads to comas, unless “treating your body like shit” involves bashing your head in with rocks, so I suspect other factors were at work here in addition to the gamer lifestyle.

Perhaps the most shocking aspect of this entire ordeal is the mystery man’s tab: he had spent about $1,500 over the previous month on gaming at cafes. Why he didn’t just buy a computer for himself, I have no idea.

Source: My Fox DC

Image: Public domain, just like my pants.

Thanks to the noble efforts of LG, the PS3′s march across Europe has been stymied. A copyright claim by LG arguing that Sony’s Blu-ray players violate their patents has resulted in PS3s entering Europe to be seized by customs.

Reports indicate stores have two or three weeks’ worth of supply in the pipeline before Europe is free of the four year tyrannical ordeal known as the PlayStation 3.

At present, the blockade is only set to last for ten days, but LG may be working to extend that count, or even aim to have the systems put out of their miseries permanently.

Somewhere, Geohot is laughing.

Source: MCV UK

IMAGE: COPYRIGHT WIZARDS OF THE COAST

This week’s Magic Card is the Elemental Incarceration, Guile. Welcome to the show, Guile!

This giant blue jackass rocks his way out of your hand for the standard “big bastard” cost of 6 mana, and you get a 6/6 out of it. Pretty good deal, right? But being a blue jackass, Guile brings a bunch of bullshit with him to the battlefield.

First, he has to be blocked by 3 or more creatures. So if you’re attacking with him, chances are he will either go unblocked or get an opportunity to knock off a couple of your opponent’s creatures.

Second, you’re playing a blue deck, so he’ll help you out with that too. If one of your already-awesome Counterspells counters an incoming spell, Guile will let you play that spell for free yourself. So now your blue deck is dropping terrors, lightning bolts, anything else your enemy is foolish enough to try and cast. Including creatures.

And third, if, by some miracle, someone manages to gang-block or nuke Guile, he just gets shuffled back into your library to return at some other random time to tear up the game all over again. Just a terrible bastard to try to deal with.

IMAGE: STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION. COPYRIGHT CBS PARAMOUNT STUDIOS.

On this week’s episode of Star Trek, issues of gender are awkwardly discussed. Much of the action takes place on a planet called “Angel I” (above) which happens to look an awful lot like many other alien planets visited in Star Trek history.

Plot: The Enterprise crew has deduced that a Federation freighter that was lost seven years ago may have had survivors who managed to escape to the planet Angel I. It turns out Angel I is inhabited by an intelligent, female-dominated, species, whose members happen to look exactly like humans, except the dudes tend to be shorter and less hairy. As the episode develops, we learn that the women of Angel I are still vulnerable to sexist writers looking to prove that women just want strong, hairy men like Riker.

Character Development: In “Angel One,” we learn nothing about our favourite characters as they all act exactly as expected. Wesley Crusher is a moron, Captain Picard is married to his job, Worf sneezes loudly, and Riker’s got a way with the ladies.

Forehead of the Week: I’m going to go with the less obvious choice, and award this title to the mystery virus which infects much of the crew in this episode before a last minute treatment is discovered by Dr. Crusher. Its first victim was Wesley Crusher, who seemingly got it from a holodeck ski trip. How that is possible, or why the phenomena was not studied further, I have no idea.

Memorable Quote: “Engage.” – Riker, after a sore-throated Picard was unable to say it. See, it’s a joke.

Image: Adapted from PICT0035 by goodsurfers2011 under a CC-BY license.

Nintendo’s inevitable march toward global domination took an important step forward today with the launch of 3DS in Japan.

The system’s initial shipment of 400,000 units sold out almost immediately. That includes units preordered, and those that actually made it to store shelves before quickly being snatched up by same-day customers.

Word is that stores will actually be receiving a fresh shipment of the multi-screened, multi-awesomed devices Sunday.

So there you have it, the long awaited 3DS is finally out there in the wild, and 400K lucky residents of Japan are playing with them right now, probably in varying states of rapture.

Source: andriasang

Hint: select parental code “6969″ at the end of the above video to see evidence of a video game leading to a gang bang.

Ubisoft has yet another mini-game fest in the works for the Wii, but this isn’t your typical Wii Sports knock-off. As you can see in the ad embedded above, the mini-games in We Dare encourage adult behaviour such as flirtatiously whacking another person on the lower back. Oh yeah, and doubling up on a Wiimote.

Unfortunately for North Americans looking to get laid (the ads make it abundantly clear that this game directly leads to boning), the title will not be heading to that continent.

Image: Star Wars Episode III poster. Copyright Lucasfilm.

No deep questions this week, no invasive questioning, and no bet placing on Newbs’s competitive performances. Just a quick, gut-check answer to a question debated by nerds everywhere.

Give me your answer. Which is the Best Star War Movie?

Image: Adapted from IMG_1924 by helloandrew under a CC-BY-SA license.

Online gaming. It’s fun, it’s cheap, and only in the rarest of cases has it been a problem for anyone. Time for a crack down just in case.

The government of Vietnam is taking the high levels of interest in online gaming amongst its youngsters seriously, requiring ISPs to block online games from 10pm to 8am every night (which everyone knows is the best time to game), supposedly in an effort to curb addiction.

I suppose the kids of Vietnam (and everyone else) will have to find something else to do during those hours, like form gangs, rape, or pillage. I guess they could try single player as well, although free to play MMOs are what’s big over there.

Most amusingly, the true addicts of gaming will see little effect from this, as they can still play all day. Really, it’s the casual gamers who want to relax after school or work who are hardest hit by this needless and ignorance-driven decision.

Meanwhile, in Australia, the upcoming Mortal Kombat game has been denied a ratings classification, which means the title won’t be available there. This is a persistent problem in the country, as the nation’s ratings board lacks the equivalent of an “R” or “M” rating, which means anything that warrants something higher than a “Teen” rating is simply unable to be sold. So, you know, the Australian government, they’re pretty shameful this week too.

Fun aside: my source includes a bunch of kids huddled around SNESes, which makes me wonder just what kind of online gaming is going on in Vietnam.

Source: Mail Online

]]> http://shufflingdead.com/videos/sdgr/gran-turismo-3-and-4-review.php/feed 0 http://shufflingdead.com/news/january-2011-npd-numbers-are-utterly-meaningless.php http://shufflingdead.com/news/january-2011-npd-numbers-are-utterly-meaningless.php#comments Thu, 24 Feb 2011 00:49:52 +0000 Newbs http://shufflingdead.com/?p=12912

Handhelds, where are you?

NPD’s monthly video game sales stats for January are here, such as they are. We’ve gone several months without PSP numbers, but we already knew that system was selling at such a low level as to be fairly meaningless in the breakdown of the monthly pie-chart. This month, however, we have been robbed of the DS number as well, which makes it look like Nintendo only occupies a third of the market, instead of the half or so that they actually do.

Anyway, the Wii sold 319K, the 360 sold 381K, and the PS3 sold 267K.

In software, Call of Duty: Black Ops was on top again, but we don’t know exactly how many were sold, or for what systems. Just Dance 2 for Wii took second and Dead Space 2 took third with 452K sold across 360, PS3, and PC.

Source: NeoGAF

Image: Nintendo.

Hi folks, Newbs here. I’m back from my extended journey through the woods of event organization and prepared to tell you about two day old news once again.

Easily the most important thing to occur during my absence, and pretty much the most important thing that will happen between the 3DS’s announcement and its release next month, is that February 21, 2011 was the 25th anniversary of The Legend of Zelda.

Link’s first outing was released in Japan on that date.

To celebrate, 1up put together a piece entitled “25 Things You Didn’t Know About The Legend of Zelda,” which you can read here. Note: that title is misleading, I knew pretty much everything they listed already. Your mileage may vary depending on how cool you are.

Someone also threw together this amazing piece of artwork to remind us all of the characters which have graced the series. Credit goes to this guy.

Of course, for a series as packed with greatness at Zelda, the celebration should really last all year. Two titles in the franchise should be releasing in 2011, so I think Nintendo’s got things covered from their end, but what will you be doing?

Image: Nintendo

The launch of the 3DS in North America is only a little over a month away, but the day-one line-up for that region wasn’t announced until just today. Let’s find out what Nintendo has chosen to bless us with this time (from the press release):

On March 27, new Nintendo 3DS owners will be able to choose from the following Nintendo-published games, each available at a suggested retail price of $39.99:

• Pilotwings Resort™, an aerial adventure featuring airplanes, hang gliders and rocket belts. Players soar above tropical Wuhu Island in 3D as they complete missions or snap pictures.
• Steel Diver™, a submarine game that involves strategy and combat. The 3D visuals give players the sensation that they are looking into a miniature aquarium as they control the sub’s speed, depth and pitch, and fire torpedoes.
• nintendogs™ + cats, a game that lets players interact with realistic puppies – and kittens – in a variety of fun ways. There are three versions of the software, each with different starting breeds: French bulldog, toy poodle and golden retriever. But in each version players can unlock and enjoy more than 20 different breeds.
• Other Nintendo 3DS games in the works for 2011 from Nintendo include The Legend of Zelda™: Ocarina of Time™ 3D, Star Fox 64™ 3D, Kid Icarus™: Uprising and new installments in the Mario Kart™ series.

Whoah. It could be worse! The most intriguing news comes in that final point. Apparently, new Mario Kart “installments” are coming out in 2011. Confirmation that the game known to be in development will be ready for 2011 is spectacular, but endless speculation on whether that’s a typo or a legitimate declaration of plural Mario Kart games is even better!

Oh right, third party stuff is coming out too:

• Super Street Fighter® IV 3D Edition from CAPCOM
• The Sims™ 3 from EA
• Madden NFL Football from EA SPORTS
• Pro Evolution Soccer 2011 3D from Konami Digital Entertainment, Inc.
• LEGO® Star Wars® III: The Clone Wars™ from LucasArts™
• RIDGE RACER® 3D from NAMCO BANDAI Games America Inc.
• Super Monkey Ball™ 3D from SEGA
• BUST-A-MOVE UNIVERSE™ from Square-Enix, Inc.
• SAMURAI WARRIORS®: Chronicles from TECMO KOEI AMERICA Corp.
• Asphalt™ 3D from UBISOFT
• Combat of Giants™: Dinosaurs 3D from UBISOFT
• Rayman® 3D from UBISOFT
• Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon® Shadow Wars from UBISOFT

IMAGE: COPYRIGHT WIZARDS OF THE COAST

Nerd Olympics 2011 has come to a close, and the last nerds standing are spending today nursing their wounded pride, easing themselves back into real life with some low-key gaming, and showering off the sweat and tears of competition.

In honor of this legendary event, this week’s Magic Card is Thrun, the Last Troll. Thrun can be found in the Mirrodin Besieged set, which we used for our Sealed Tournament at Nerd Olympics.

Thrun, the Last Troll is a 4/4 green creature, and comes with the typical Troll ability of Regeneration. 2 mana will let you save him from certain death should he be ambushed by someone bigger than he is. This bulky bastard also cannot be the target of hostile abilities or spells including counterspells, making him impressively difficult to single out for destruction.

And really, the icing on the cake with this guy is the cost. He is available for the mega-low price of 4 mana, letting you bring him to the field earlier than most players will be able to deal with, before their own heavy-hitters come online. This guy is truly a fucking menace.

IMAGE: STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION. COPYRIGHT CBS PARAMOUNT STUDIOS.

On this week’s episode of Star Trek, Data discovers he has a brother. As it should happen, he’s a total dick.

Plot: Picard decides he’d like to check out Data’s mysterious home planet, Omicron Theta. It contained a human colony that was entirely wiped out except for Data, or so everyone thought. The power of Geordi’s visor leads the crew to discover a secret lab hidden on the planet which contains another Soong-type android. His name’s Lore, and man is he evil! Once reassembled, he tries to hand the Enterprise crew over to the life-sucking Crystalline Entity which is what actually destroyed Omicron Theta.

Character Development: In this episode, the Enterprise crew acts as though they’ve never asked Data about his origins or studied the history of his home planet. This conveniently allows them to ask Data about these subjects, enabling the audience to be informed along the way. It turns out the colonists who died around Data transferred their memories to him. Suddenly, Data starts remembering things. Most of the memories must have been pretty meaningless though, as he stops remembering as soon as the episode ends.

Forehead of the Week: The Crystalline Entity which Lore is so fond of is a wonderfully complex evil space crystal that eats life. It can travel at warp speeds and apparently has the ability to reward androids for doing its bidding.

Memorable Quote: “Shut up, Wesley!” – Picard, silencing the person trying to save him from the really obvious ploy by the bad guy.

Newbs is in the midst of an arts and crafts project in which he is finger painting a slogan from a children’s TV program on a large sheet of paper. It would appear he needs my help now more than ever, but I’m feeling lazy.

Grimace in horror at the video embedded above. If you’ve ever wanted to find out who the 10 hottest female furry abominations from Sonic the Hedgehog are, you’re in luck. The top rated YouTube comment on this one is “Looks like its suicide again? for me.” Sounds about right.

Local ShufflingDeaders can click here to view the Event Guide for the 2011 Nerd Olympics.

]]> http://shufflingdead.com/videos/the-dungeon/nerd-olympics-2011-preview.php/feed 0 http://shufflingdead.com/shufflingdeadcast/nerds-and-olympics.php http://shufflingdead.com/shufflingdeadcast/nerds-and-olympics.php#comments Wed, 16 Feb 2011 00:25:00 +0000 Newbs http://shufflingdead.com/?p=12882

A nice thing for your ears.

Listen via iTunes – Download MP3

On this month’s episode of ShufflingDeadCast, we take a look at some of gaming’s biggest stories of late, including the announcement of the NGP,the cancellation of Guitar Hero, and those mean things Fox News said. After that, we head into a full preview of upcoming Nerd Olympics 2011.

You can now subscribe to our podcast via iTunes by clicking the link above. Be sure to give us your feedback and questions at hosts@shufflingdead.com. Hit the jump for the full show notes.

Topics Discussed:
Sony announces “NGP,” err, PSP2
Jiffy’s Lazy Links: Fake Found Footage Edition
Shameful Human(s) of the Week: Fox News

and…

Nerd Olmypics 2011

Hey kids, Jiffy here. Last time I checked, Newbs was busy placing stickers on spray-painted piping. I take that to mean the madness continues and I need to fill in again.

Some guy named Aaron Barr worked really hard to infiltrate Anonymous and take down WikiLeaks on behalf of corporate and government interests.

A video game has won a Grammy. The prize went to Christopher Tin’s “Baba Yetu” from Civilization IV.

The newest and greatest blog of user-submitted content is Fat, Ugly or Slutty. The site is dedicated to revealing the ignorance women encounter online. The latest entry as I write this: “bake me a cake cankles.”

The X-Men: First Class trailer is actually pretty cool. We’ll see if the movie will turn out as well June 3, 2011.

Metacritic has compiled a list of the worst games of 2010 by major publishers. Nintendo’s worst was AquaSpace, a WiiWare game I’ve never heard of. Also available are a number of graphs illustrating which “pubs” bring the most “lish” to gaming.

Image: Guitar Hero World Tour box art. Activision.

Following Activision’s announcement that the Guitar Hero brand is over, Industry Gamers spoke to a number of business analysts to discuss the issue. They wanted to find out if Call of Duty might be the next victim of milking.

Billy Pidgeon of M2 Research praised Activision for the way they handled the Guitar Hero franchise, saying “strip-mining franchises is a successful, risk-averse strategy.” He also gave mad props for Activision’s “hit it and quit it model” which he described as “carpet-bombing the market with sequels.”

Just a reminder folks: games are not art, and customers are not worthy of respect.

Other analysts gave more reasoned, less grotesque answers, which you can read by clicking the link below. Internet sensation Michael Pachter, for example, explained that the difference between the franchises is that Guitar Hero was a game people bought once with their console, whereas Call of Duty has a strong and well developed community that keeps momentum for the series going.

Source: Industry Gamers

IMAGE: COPYRIGHT WIZARDS OF THE COAST.

With the legendary competition of Nerd Olympics just days away, players are frantically scouring lands far and wide searching for that one missing card to their otherwise perfect deck. Keeping that in mind, this week’s Magic Card is a useful creature for rounding out any deck bent on continuing the yearly tradition of my disappointment in this tournament.

Vampire Nighthawk comes into play for a mere three mana, a price more than worth it. For a 2/3 flying creature, the cost is pretty standard. But WotC pulled out all the stops for this prick, and awarded him the Deathtouch and Lifelink abilities as well, making him a force to be reckoned with.

He can fly over your opponent’s defenses to bleed him dry, and use the lifelink to recharge your own health in the process. Or if need be, he can use Deathtouch to personally drop almost any creature threatening your magical self.

Either way, throw a couple of Vampire Nighthawks into your bullshit black or sparkly vampire deck and experience the overpoweredness for yourself. Hell, splash black into your all-white soldier deck, this guy is worth it.

IMAGE: STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION. COPYRIGHT CBS PARAMOUNT STUDIOS.

As is the case with so many first season TNG episodes, a brilliant concept is introduced and then completely mishandled.

Plot: Captain Picard decides to try out this new thing called the holodeck he’s been hearing about. Always eager to display how boring he is, Picard opts not to check out anything erotic, or even interesting, but instead chooses to take on the role of Dixon Hill, a film noir style detective. To no one’s surprise, some alien technology causes the holodeck to malfunction, trapping Picard and several others in the fictional world.

Character Development: I’m going to bend the rules a little and discuss the holodeck itself here. Early in “The Big Goodbye,” Picard is kissed by a holographic woman. When he leaves the holodeck, he caries with him the lipstick she left on his face which is later physically removed. It must therefore be assumed that makeup is replicated for use by holodeck characters. The episode concludes with some of Dixon’s enemies disappearing as they step out of the holodeck (obviously, they are “photons and forcefields”). Their clothes, stomach contents, and anything else they may be carrying disappear at the same time. It is therefore clear that the holodeck possess extreme artificial intelligence, capable of deciphering which materials to replicate, and which to project, in order to best suit the needs of the plots of both its own programs, and the TV series in which it is featured.

Forehead of the Week: This goes to the Jarada. The insect-like aliens put so much stress on Captain Picard through their demands that he speak to them perfectly in their own language without use of universal translator that he chose to escape to the holodeck for some relaxation.

Memorable Quote: “Hiya Doc. What’s cookin’?” – Data, providing minor amusement in an episode that should have been significantly funnier.

Image: CityVille. Zynga.

CityVille is Facebook’s latest game craze. It comes from Zynga, makers of the infamous FarmVille.

But what IS the game? Judging by this video, it’s Sim City for four year-olds. Presumably with a bunch of micro-transactions available to keep you paying. In other words: terrible, at least until Launch Arcologies are introduced.

Beyond the massive player count, the game boasts a wealth of other disturbing stats. 100 million players = 1/5 of Facebook’s entirety of users. It’s players make up 1/3 of the mighty Zynga’s player base. Zynga’s second place competitor (for money-sucking, information stealing casual shit) wields a collected player base of half that of CityVille‘s alone.

I once feared Madden players. Forum trolls have long bashed the Wii. All the while, gaming’s true enemy was breeding an army hidden in plain sight.

Source: Social Game Central