Nerd Olympics Development Kit

The official Nerd Olympics logo.

Since we were children we have all been battling the same things: the space invaders, the little plastic cavalry valued at five, the artist’s rendering of a goblin printed on a piece of cardboard. We have battled them on kitchen tables and on basement televisions. We have fought with valiance and honour, yet something has always been missing.

We have lacked recognition. Wins hold little meaning when the night is over, when the Pizza Pops are eaten and the Dr. Pepper drained. Imagine if your victories in all the realms of nerd-dom could be enshrined and remembered. What if you could be made champion of Starcraft, Mario Kart, or Magic: the Gathering for a whole year? What if you could have a medal as a permanent reminder of your pasty superiority? That is the dream of The Nerd Olympics.

Starting Your Own Nerd Olympics Cell

For the past five years, The Nerd Olympics has existed as a small annual event held in my home town, but despite its size, it has spawned gods of gaming and brought honour to its champions. This article is a guide for operating a Nerd Olympics cell in your home town. Anyone who wants to start up a chapter, please do, I want nerds everywhere to experience the glory that I have come to know and relish.

Step 1: Establish an Olympic Committee
Just as The Olympics has the International Olympic Committee, The Nerd Olympics needs an International Nerd Olympic Committee. The idea behind an INOC is to establish a core of the most dedicated nerds who can organize the event. Depending upon the size of your Olympics, your INOC should be comprised of 2-5 people who can and will dedicate their time and resources to running The Nerd Olympics. Try to find people who have knowledge of different fields, like a PC gaming expert, a board game expert, and a console gaming expert. It’s also vitally important that one of your INOC members be capable of applying their sober second thought to the impossible and outlandish ideas the rest of the INOC will surely come up with.

Step 2: Pick a Date and Location
Nerds have a fatal flaw, they never do what they say they’re going to do. If a bunch of nerds come up with some kind of awesome idea, that dream will almost never be followed. The problem likely stems from poor diet and exercise, what sounds like a great idea while everyone is wired on caffeine and Smash Bros. suddenly sounds like a lot of work the next morning when the cold reality of slothful home life sets in. This step is meant to create the necessary momentum for your event.

Your INOC should meet and choose an appropriate date and location for your Olympics which can be adhered to. The dates should be a maximum of two days (you’ll hate your friends if you go any longer than that) and at least three months away. The location should be reasonable and accessible.

Step 3: Angry Debating
Once a time and place have been chosen, your INOC can start up a discussion with their extended social circle of nerds on the internet. If one of you has an online forums, that is ideal, but a Facebook event works as well. Events and their rules must be decided upon. Your discussions will likely involve intricate arguments over whether OddJob should be banned from Goldeneye, and other such minutia. If your group is small, then it might be best to simply allow the INOC to choose the events of your Olympics, but running a vote after nominations have been established has been successful for me. Also, we’ve found that 12 events over two days is a maximum. Be ready for whatever elaborate schedule you make breaking down mid-Olympics.

Step 4: Laying Down the Law
After a couple of months of arguing, your INOC is going to need to make some decisions. You’ll have heard arguments for and against every possible obscure game in existence, but ultimately answers are needed. Voting can alleviate some controversy, but before that your INOC will have needed to create categories and a system of voting. No matter how events are determined, rules ultimately need to be worked out too. Your INOC needs to meet again here and make some final decisions. It will be impossible to please everyone, and so decisions should be made based on the three Fs: fun, fairness, and feasibility. Also, the four golden rules of Nerd Olympics will need to be drilled into all perspective attendees: don’t be a dick, bring food, have fun, and don’t cheat.

Step 5: Setup
As the chosen date draws near, all of the equipment will need to be readied: consoles will have to be connected, board games found and checked for necessary pieces, and worst of all, computer networks will have to be setup. Additionally, an annual slogan will need to be chosen, such as “Do or do not, there is no try.” This should be painted on a large piece of paper and displayed proudly at your Olympics for the nerds to look upon and find inspiration.

Since your homes will likely be the location of your Olympics, attachment to your personal belongings will also need to be severed. Nerds are not known to be party animals, but after two days, they tend to start nesting, and it turns out your personal belongings make great cushions.

The intensity of Nerd Olympics competition.

Running The Nerd Olympics

Over the course of your Nerd Olympics, certain practices must be adhered to in order to maintain the standards of the Nerd Olympic Games. The Olympics must open with the official anthem of The Nerd Olympics, “Theme from Mortal Kombat.” After each event is completed, the winners must be thrown their medals (made up of whatever nerdy material you can give away, I’ve used Magic cards and 3rd party N64 memory cards in years previous) in the order of bronze, silver, then gold, while they stand on a podium (made up of stools or rolls of carpet or whatever’s handy). They must then be told “hold up your medals like you’re Link holding up the Triforce,” and a picture must then be taken for posterity. Also, a record of the champions of each event must be maintained on a big scoreboard. At the conclusion of your Olympics, overall winners can be determined by adding up medals weighted as 3 points for gold, 2 for silver, 1 for bronze. The overall top three must then stand on the podium, hoisting random objects above their heads while a picture is taken (a real trophy is even better if you have the ambition to make one). I also recommend wrapping up with a big group photo for posterity as well.

Try to make things as straight forward as possible and avoid drama. Have a basic idea of how to run each event beforehand. We have found that a 4-play, 2-move-on single elimination works best, and we try to apply it wherever 4-player free-for-alls are possible. Note: if things are getting a little intense attendees should feel free to blow off steam by homo-erotically wrestling, this is an understandable need for some people.

At the end of each night, it’s nice to unwind with a nerdy movie/drinking game combo. Pick out something like Street Fighter, that Van Damme classic, and start watching. Figure out a drinking game like “every time Zangief is awesome, take a drink.” It’s also fun to conclude Nerd Olympics with some INOC-decided special awards. This can be things like “hottest attendee,” “best/worst drunken showing,” and “best food contribution.”

Ultimately, The Nerd Olympics is about having sweaty contests “fueled by Dew,” which determine bragging rights for a bunch of reclusive man-children. It’s pretty fun. If anyone out there starts up his or her own Nerd Olympics, please, send me an email at: newbs@shufflingdead.com, or post about it on our forums, let us know! Good luck!

The spirit of the games.