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Cock Wars: Round #4: Jack Sparrow v. The Pikmin v. Trix Rabbit v. Captain Falcon

March 31, 2011 Cock Wars No Comments

Whose johnson excels?

  • Jack Sparrow (52%, 12 Votes)
  • The Pikmin (26%, 6 Votes)
  • Captain Falcon (13%, 3 Votes)
  • Trix Rabbit (9%, 2 Votes)

Total Voters: 23

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Jack Sparrow (Newbs)

Image: Walt Disney.

Description: Jack Sparrow is the grooviest pirate to ever sail the high seas of confusing plot twists and irrelevant battles. His charm and wit have propelled him into the league of super-star womanizers. Over his impressive pirating career, Sparrow has managed to rack up a 10,001 guinea bounty and membership in the exclusive Brethren Court. Sparrow’s fighting style has lead even Wikipedia to note that his weaponry consists of “anything conceivable.”

Battle cry: Savvy?

The Pikmin (Newbs)

Image: Nintendo.

Description: Pikmin are small, plant-like creatures which live among the other small things of the world. Pikmin live in flying onions which also protect them from night-time dangers. When organized, Pikmin are capable of complex archaeological and construction jobs. Depending upon the specific race, Pikmin are capable of many different tasks. Some can carry bomb rocks, others can survive in water, some are capable of great strength, and some are even poisonous.

Pikmin come highly recommended as support staff following a spaceship crash.

Trix Rabbit (Weskimo)

Image: General Mills.

The tricksiest rabbit of them all, the Trix Rabbit hops circles around each and every box of Trix, just waiting for some poor kid to look away from his bowl of delicious fruity cereal for a couple of seconds. This dastardly bunny disguises himself with every manner of G-rated deceit imaginable in constant attempts to confuse and confound children aged 5-12. He even went so far as to place a fake mail-in plebiscite on boxes of cereal to trick kids into voting “yes” to allow the rabbit to eat Trix.

General Mills, confused by this, but sure that it must have been authorized somewhere along the corporate conga line of decision making, awarded the incredibly clumsy rabbit with a bowl of cereal. It turns out that Trix tastes like fruity victory.

What others are saying: “Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!”

Captain Falcon (Newbs)

Image: Nintendo.

Description: Falcon leads a double life as a bounty hunter and accomplished futuristic racer. His skin-tight blue uniform reveals a carefully sculpted raw and masculine muscle structure, with his nipples alone being the stuff of legend.

As a bounty hunter, the captain is as deadly off the tracks as he is on. His Falcon kicks and Falcon punches are understood by participants in fighting tournaments to be of special destructive power.

Battle cry: “Show me your moves!”

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