Cock Wars 2009 Contestants – Gamma Quadrant

---

John Michael “Ozzy” “Prince of Darkness” Osbourne

Ozzy is the lead singer of Black Sabbath and commands a successful solo career. He is the father of seven children, two of whom have become famous in their own right. His daughter Kelly is chubby and kind of attractive. Ozzy has over 15 tattoos, including “O-Z-Z-Y” spelled across the knuckles of his left hand, which he got as a teenager, and were done by sewing needle and pencil lead. Ozzy has bitten off the heads of a live dove and a dead bat, and can out-drug-take all comers.

---

The Punisher – Description by Psycho Limey

They say the Punisher doesn’t have recurring villains. There is one however, the entire reason his character exists isn’t crime, it isn’t the mafia that gunned down his family. It’s not Satan or some faceless evil entity. It’s the legal system. The entire rotten to the core system that allows evil to occur every day and for evil people to get away with their actions in the name of keeping the system fair. After the system let him down, he stepped up and started dishing out punishment in a far more efficient manner. Criminals are simply put down. He unflinchingly kills people. Anyone who deserves to die as he sees it, dies. He wipes out the organized crime in his city and takes on all comers.

Frank Castle, the Punisher is the catharsis that every victim wants. He treats the worst kind of people like they deserve, making sure that every punishment he hands out sends a clear message to the rest of the world’s evil, never afraid to use all kinds of violence to drive the point home.

The Punisher is always careful to avoid collateral damage and he despises amateur vigilantes who usually have some personal agenda or racist motives. However, everything he does, has made little difference. His real enemy, society and the system it supports is still there. We still create our own monsters and allow injustices. We’ll complain for a day, or even for a few months if it’s a real atrocity but we don’t stop it, we barely even try.

So maybe you don’t like the fact the Punisher kills people, I’m sure there’s a well constructed argument for how his actions will never solve anything. Except you don’t need to tell him that. He already knows, but until he’s dead, he is never going to stop making sure that everyone he can find gets their just reward, and that he saves every person he can from finding out how it feels to be the Punisher.

Battle Cry: The solid click of a loaded magazine sliding home into his .45

Special Move: You might throw up if I described what he’s done to some people, but would you throw up if I described what they did to earn the Punishers wrath?

---

L-Shaped Tetris Block

Many would claim Tetris to be an ensemble cast, with the L and J pieces forming nice little boxes for the O to fit into, the Z and S tumbling around and getting in the way, and the Long-Job clearing everybody else out of the way. Well, they would be wrong. L-Shaped Tetris Block dominates all the other pieces by way of his obvious penis-might. Just look at the letter L and turn your head to the left, it looks like a damn cock and balls! The community of GameFaqs.com recognized the glory of L-Shaped Tetris Block and awarded him the Character Battle Championship in 2007.

---

The Dominion

Founded somewhere between 10 000 BCE and 2 000 BCE by the Changelings, The Dominion stands as a great Galactic force, dominating thousands of planets in the Gamma Quadrant. The Changelings rule over the dominion with absolute power, and are considered to be gods by their subjects. Loyalty amongst their engineered Vorta and Jem’Hadar minions is encoded genetically, allowing The Dominion to operate with utter efficiency at all times. Only a small contingent of The Dominion army was able to ally themselves with a few Alpha quadrant species and nearly defeat the Federation Alliance, which was made up of the three great Alpha quadrant powers: The Federation, The Klingon Empire, and the Romulan Star Empire.

---

Robo – Description by Weskimo

Robo is found and repaired by Lucca in 2300AD (and he’s kinda pissed that you bastards kicked her out of Cock Wars already). Upon his reactivation, he has no memory of his prior mission and his curious and helpful personality lead him to join Crono and his friends on their quest to save the planet from Lavos (one bad motherfucking guy, FYI). Programmed to aid humanity, he is equipped with both offensive and defensive abilities, and attacks enemies by relentlessly pounding them with his rocket powered fists. This tubby robot keeps busy in combat by spraying allies with powerful healing rays or dropping bitches with his robo-fists and rainbow lasers, and let me tell you, he makes Gato look like a fucking carnival attraction.

Famous Lines: “I am…Robo…Data storage complete.”

What others are saying: “I’m not your mistress.” – Marle

---

Chaotic Evil Wizard – Description by Psycho Limey

There are always people who crave power at any cost and the saying “Power corrupts” takes on no scarier face than that of the chaotic evil wizard. A wizard’s power is not just the ability to use arcane arts to ruin you. He’s smart, conniving, and his problem solving skills are at their peak. He has to know everyday what might occur and how best to be ready for it as he can only use so many spells. A chaotic evil wizard wields almost limitless power and the only thing governing how he uses it is which side of the bed he woke up on.

Crazy people are often celebrated for their creativity and badass factor. Well this person has the power to accomplish whatever takes his fancy, and more often than not, it’s making you sing, dance, and explode to the tune of his choice.

What others are saying: “OH GOD WHY? Why would you do that to me, what kind of inhuman monster would cause such suffering, oh please merciful gods end my torment. How could you do such things!?”

Battle Cry: “Because I can”

---

Poseidon

Poseidon is the god of the sea and earthquakes. When the world was divided by three, Poseidon was granted command of the sea, and when he was denied reward for building the walls around the city of Troy, he sent a sea monster to attack the city. Poseidon wields an impressive trident and an even more impressive beard. For more on Poseidon, check out The Little Mermaid, because King Triton is a pretty obvious rip off of him.

---

The Maginot Line – Description by Doug

Perhaps the greatest piece of military engineering to ever fail, the Maginot Line has a somewhat underserved bad rap in the modern age. First of all, the line did in fact extend all the way north to the sea. Second, line is something of a misnomer, in places the Maginot defenses were over 25km deep. And such defenses they were! Very briefly: An independent road and rail system to aid in resupply and defense, constructed of deliberately short runs so as to be very difficult to capture, and easy for the French to sabotage as they pulled back. 142 Major Fortresses, 352 Casements, 78 Shelters, 17 Observatories, and about 5 000 blockhouses, floodways/ammo dumps/food caches galore, almost 1 500 weapons openings of various types, 152 turrets, a shit/fuck/superlatives-just-don’t-do-it-justice load of artillery.

The French Engineers had designed the perfect weapon for the First World War. Unfortunately, the Germans were one step ahead as usual, and their overwhelming air power, quick armor and superior small unit tactics allowed them to smash the line, and take France from behind…. as if she were France.

---

Joan of Arc – Description by Doug

Joan could not have picked a worse time or place to be born: France was embroiled in Hundred Years War, huge chunks of her territory were under English control and with her population still reeling after the Black Plague, it looked like the rest might topple. However, at the age of 12, Joan began seeing visions, and became convinced she would lead her people to freedom. At the age of 16, she predicted that under her leadership, the French would be able to break out of the siege of Orleans. Having tried every legitimate, and sane, option, the Dauphin agreed to her request. She was able to break the siege, and went on to lead the French army in a yearlong English ass kicking festival until her capture and execution.

The English were so afraid of her and her influence that after they killed her by fire, they raked back the coals and exposed her body so no one could claim she escaped alive. They then burned the body not once, but twice more before throwing her ashes in the Seine. She was later ruled innocent of the charges brought against her, and was canonized in 1920. More importantly, she was one of the only people to interrupt the ass kickings the English were doling out courtesy of the long bow.

---

Private William Hudson – Description by Psycho Limey

You’ve had a menial entry level job somewhere. Sat through some training videos and then been expected to not only care about the company but also to take your incredibly crappy job totally seriously and to deal with the horrible situations that arise with a smile and perfect customer service.

So what is it that makes you think a private in the army has it any better than you, at that terrible job? There has been a term in use since they first told some poor bastard to go fight that other guy over there. The “Soldiers prerogative” means one simple thing, that you, with your cushy existence have got no right to complain but that the soldier can bitch constantly about EVERYTHING so long as he always gets the job done. It’s a long standing tradition and soldiers generally take full advantage of it.

Pvt Hudson of the United States Colonial Marine Corp ends up travelling to the planet LV-426 in the movie Aliens, where he promptly gets into a SHTF situation no soldier would ever want to deal with. He’s not the stoic badass, he’s just your average soldier and he proceeds to complain constantly throughout the movie. But at the end, when the fight is on, he’s there, rifle in hand, dishing out 10mm fury to anyone who wants to “come get some.”

Famous Lines: “What do you mean, ‘They cut the power’? How could they cut the power, man? They’re animals!” “We’re on an express elevator to hell; going down!” “Yeah man, but it’s a dry heat!” “Hey, maybe you haven’t been keeping up on current events, but we just got our asses kicked, pal!” “Oh dear Lord Jesus, this ain’t happening, man… This can’t be happening, man! This isn’t happening!” “That’s it man, game over man, game over! What the fuck are we gonna do now? What are we gonna do?”

What others are saying: “You better just start dealing with it, Hudson! Listen to me! Hudson, just deal with it, because we need you and I’m sick of your bullshit.” – Ripley

Battle Cry: “Come on! Come on! Come and get it, baby! Come on! I don’t got all day! Come on! Come on! Come on you bastard! Come on, you too! Oh, you want some of this? Fuck you!”

---

Batman – Description by Fiona

Batman is a DC Comic superhero. Born Bruce Wayne, he is a mastermind scientist and a super-sleuth, as well as a wealthy, brooding and obsessive playboy. While Bruce Wayne is an irresponsible and superficial rich boy, his superhero alter ego is an intelligent and determined crime fighter. Orphaned at a young age by a mugger, Batman’s goal in life is to rid Gotham City of the evil that killed his parents. He travels the world to better understand the criminal mind. Bruce Wayne has an uncanny fear of bats; Batman’s bat costume was created in their image to terrify criminals. Batman is a founding member of the Justice Society of America, and Bruce Wayne has his own charitable foundation (the Wayne Foundation).

Famous lines: “It took years and billions to synthesize. Luckily I had both.” “If Clark [Kent] wanted to, he could use his super-speed and squish me into the cement. But I know how he thinks. Even more than the Kryptonite, he’s got one big weakness. Deep down, Clark’s essentially a good person… and deep down, I’m not.”

Battle cry: “Zap!” “Pow!” “Bam!”

Special move: Although Batman has no special “superpower,” he has mad detective skills, amazing physical prowess and crazy scientific abilities. He also designs all of his own awesome contraptions (i.e. utility belt for all his crime-fighting tools, and the BATMOBILE!!!) Anything invented by Batman gets the “bat” prefix. That’s right, he has his own copyright.

---

Demona – Description by Fiona

Demona is a gargoyle with superhuman strength. Unlike most gargoyles that turn to stone during the day, Demona sports human form when the sun rises. She is manipulative and seductive, and hates the human race with a vengeance. She betrays anyone who is foolish enough to trust her. When she is angry, her eyes glow red. Oh, and she can do magic. This chick clearly has one massive cock.

---

Super Nintendo Entertainment System – Description by Weskimo

The Super Nintendo was Nintendo’s 16-bit answer to the evolving gaming world. It was met with fierce resistance from its rivals, particularly from the Sega Genesis. The Super Nintendo served as a Champion of Awesome during the Golden Age of gaming (it is called the Golden Age because I was at a stage of my life where I literally had nothing else to do than play Super Nintendo games).

The SNES facilitated the creation of classic games such as Chrono Trigger, Super Baseball 2020, NBA Jam, Metal Warriors, Link to the Past, and Donkey Kong Country, games that stuck with you, long after their time with you had past. And though the SNES and many of its games have been outshone by newer and more advanced consoles, it is still kept close to all our hearts and souls. This pioneering system taught you what a great game should feel like. We owe it our reverence, and our votes.

What others are saying: “CROAK!! HELP ME!!” -Slippy, Star Fox

Special Move: Being a 20 year old piece of technology and still working when I turn it on!

---

Frodo and Sam – Description by Fiona

Frodo and Sam are two hobbits entrusted with the task of taking the One Ring to Mordor and destroying it in the fires of Mount Doom to save Middle Earth from the dominion of the evil Dark Lord Sauron. Frodo Baggins, the main protagonist in the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, often tries to ditch Sam and go it alone. Samwise Gamgee, however, repeatedly refuses to be left behind, maintaining that Frodo needs him. Together, the two hobbits manage the perilous journey to Mordor and get the job done. These two little guys face many dangers, but together they prevail. And even though Sam is a whiney little bitch, at least he’s a dedicated one.

Famous lines: “Go back, Sam. I’m going to Mordor alone.” – Frodo, “Of course you are. And I’m coming with you.” – Sam

What others are saying: “You will keep an eye on Frodo, won’t you?” – Bilbo, “Two eyes, as often as I can spare them.” – Gandalf

---

Casey Jones – Description by Weskimo

When the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ sissy jumping and kicking ninjitsu can’t get the job done and they need a real heavy-hitter, they call up their hockey mask-wearing bruiser, Casey Jones. With his armament of baseball, cricket, and hockey equipment, Casey delivers wanton destruction upon the criminals of New York City. Plus, he makes out with the hot redhead. Booya.

Battle Cry: “Goongala!!”

What others are saying: “Who the heck is that?” -Leonardo, “Wayne Gretzky on steroids?” – Michelangelo

Famous Lines: “Two minutes for slashing… two minutes for hooking… and let’s not forget my personal favorite: two minutes for high sticking.”

Special Move: Crushing the Shredder in a garbage truck.

---

Sultan of Brunei – Description by Doug

At one point the richest man on earth, the Sultan is the government of Brunei. He is the head of state with full executive authority, as well as emergency powers since 1962. He is also the Prime Minister of Brunei, as well as holding the portfolios of Defence and Finance.
The Sultan has an amazing list of material assets: 3-6 000 personal vehicles worth over $4 Billion including a Formula One car as driven by every Formula 1 World Drivers Champion since the 1980 Formula One season, particularly the ones driven in the last race for each season. During the 1990s, he accounted for half of all Bentley purchases worldwide. For personal use, the Sultan has a Boeing 747-400 furnished with gold plated furniture with an estimated value of $233 million including $3 million on furniture, six smaller planes and two helicopters. He is trained to pilot the aircraft. He also operates a $3 billion theme park called Jerudong Park, which is open free of charge to his citizens.

---