Cock Wars 2009 Contestants – Delta Quadrant
Frog – Description by Weskimo
Frog, otherwise known as Glenn, is a knight in the service of the kingdom of Guardia, and joins Crono and Lucca in a rescue attempt for Queen Leene in 600AD. Once an all-around sissy boy, after watching his best friend being murdered by a dark wizard and being turned into a walking, talking frog all in one day, he realizes that nice guys really do finish last, and its enough to turn the marshmallow into a valiant, monster-slaying, pint-sized badass. Though tormented by his failure to help his best friend, he vows to protect the kingdom and slay Magus. Armed with the mythical broadsword Masamune, watery magical abilities, and one hell of a tongue, this frog is out for blood.
Famous lines: “Lower thine guard and thou’rt allowing the enemy in.”
What others are saying: “You’re a marshmallow, Glenn” –Cyrus, “A…a FROG!? Crono, it’s a talking FROG! I hate frogs!” -Lucca, “Riiiibbit!!!!” -Slippy Toad
Special Move: Frog tongue
The Alien Queen – Description by Psycho Limey
It is a well known fact that the maternal instinct can turn anything female, from docile, into a destructive force like no other. The movie Aliens has a lot to do with those maternal instincts, and what they can bring out in us. Spill a man’s drink or insult him and a fight is likely, but give a mother cause for violence and you can forget all hope of leaving uninjured. The alien queen, standing at 15′ tall, will make you wish you had one last bullet.
The Alien Queen is smarter than the average human. Her capacity for learning means no matter how smart you think you are, she will find a way to get you and considering she usually has an army of the deadliest creatures going on her side. You are pretty much hooped.
She can shrug off almost all injuries, that’s if you’re even capable of damaging her. She can reproduce an army in days, and even if you do somehow manage to escape or kill her, her entire genetic memory is passed on. Leave even a single egg alive and that one facehugger will find something to hatch an alien from, that one alien will find the nutrients to molt into a queen, and that queen will remember you, and will never stop trying for vengeance.
Blade
Blade is a vampire-hunter hybrid, known as “daywalker” amongst vampires. He has all of the strengths of a vampire, and none of the weaknesses (except blood thirst). Blade is assisted by a wicked old man named Whistler, who is his mentor and weapon-smith. With Whistler’s technology, Blade is able to slaughter many poor vampires, whose only crimes are their lust for human blood and attempts to awaken various vampire gods and vampire fathers.
Famous line: “Some motherfuckers are always trying to ice-skate uphill.”
Napoleon – Description by Doug
Born in Corsica and trained as an artillery officer in mainland France, Bonaparte rose to prominence under the First French Republic and led successful campaigns against the First and Second Coalitions arrayed against France. In 1799, he staged a coup d’état and installed himself as First Consul; five years later he crowned himself Emperor of the French. In the first decade of the nineteenth century, he turned the armies of the French Empire against every major European power and dominated continental Europe through a series of military victories. While considered a tyrant by his opponents, he is also remembered for the establishment of the Napoleonic code, which laid the administrative and judicial foundations for much of Western Europe.
Considered by many to be the greatest general of the modern age; during his Italian campaign, Bonaparte’s army captured 150,000 prisoners, 540 cannons and 170 standards. The French army fought 67 actions and won 18 pitched battles due to superior artillery technology and Bonaparte’s tactics. Only the Russian winter was able to thwart his expansion. The only man who ever defeated him, General Wellington, when asked who was the greatest general of the day, answered: “In this age, in past ages, in any age, Napoleon.”
Andrew Carnegie
$298 300 000 000
The Spanish Armada – Description by Doug
The year was 1588, and King Phillip II if Spain was intent on invading England. To this end he assembled a fleet composed of around 130 ships, 8,000 sailors and 18,000 soldiers, and bore 1,500 brass guns and 1,000 iron guns. The full body of the fleet took two days to leave port. It contained 28 purpose-built warships: 20 galleons, 4 galleys and 4 galleasses. The remainder of the heavy vessels consisted mostly of armed carracks and hulks; there were also 34 light ships present. As well, 30,000 soldiers were assembled in the Spanish Netherlands awaiting transport on barges under cover of the Armada. In the ensuing series of battles, and bad weather Sir Francis Drake sunk a good deal of the Armada, and drove the rest off. Let’s face it, he should have been on the list instead of the Armada.
Smeagol/Gollum – Description by Fiona
Once similar to a hobbit, Gollum is a twisted creature driven half crazy by the One Ring. And by half I mean completely: he’s got two personalities (who argue with each other on occasion). Gollum is the dark and twisty side, Smeagol the loyal, naive pushover. This nutty little bastard can riddle with the best of them, sing, see in the dark and catch fish with his bare hands. Come on now, how many of YOU can do that? He also hates Sam, implying good taste because anyone who likes Sam is an idiot. Stupid fat hobbit.
Famous lines: “My Precious…” “The rock and pool, is nice and cool, so juicy sweet! Our only wish, to catch a fish, so juicy sweeeeet!” “Stupid fat hobbit!”
What others are saying: “There’s naught left in him but lies and deceit. It’s the ring he wants; it’s all he cares about.” – Sam
Special move: Biting and thrashing around madly.
Neutral Good Fighter – Description by Psycho Limey
Violence is a tool, it needs to applied to the right job and by somebody who knows how to use it. The neutral good fighter is not what he first appears to be. He’s the guy on the battlefield like every good soldier, taking the fight to the enemy because somebody has to, but this isn’t the story of some soldier with no sense of self. The N.G. Fighter is the one whose eyes are always open, he’s the one who stands up for what is right. It’s easy to commit atrocities in war, it’s been proven many times how evil apathy can be, but when these things happen there are those who stand against the tide.
This is not a fighter who devotes his life to thwarting evil at any cost. This is the everyman who will not close his eyes to torture, to rape, to the murder of innocents. He draws a line in the sand and stands firm with weapon in hand, even if it will cost him his life.
Every generation needs heroes. Sometimes we need to recognize the simplest ones and admit just how hard it can be to resist our own dark impulses.
The Borg – Description by Fiona
The Borg are an enemy of the Federation in the Star Trek universe. They are a collective of part machine, part human drones led by a Queen Borg. The drones are of one mind; nanoprobes present in every Borg communicate with each other and pass on any information obtained by individuals drones. This enables instantaneous adaptation of all Borg when faced with a threat. Each Borg has many machine parts, including one laser eye and an arm with various devices that can be used for a variety of tasks (weapons fire, tools, healing, assimilation ‘needles’). The Borg travel in cube-shaped ships equipped with powerful tractor beams to reel in their prey. The most notably awesome Borg is Seven of Nine in Star Trek Voyager. Seven rediscovers her humanity throughout the series when she is severed from the Borg Collective. She also wears a super-sexy jumpsuit. Just saying.
Battle cry: “We are the Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.”
Special move: Assimilation… i.e. turning others into Borg.
Edward “The Riddler” Nigma
The Riddler is another classic Batman villain, The Riddler’s evil stems from his constant need to test his own intellect. He strives to place his enemies in inescapable death traps, and lead them on during his crime sprees via cryptic word puzzles. Like so many villains, The Riddler’s evil may stem from childhood trauma, some critics suggest that The Riddler was abused as a child by his envious father after receiving high grades.
Kari Byron
Kari appears on one of the finest television shows of the modern era, called Mythbusters. On this program, a crack team of semi-professionals dick around with equipment, performing experiments to determine the validity of rumours and myths. In this show, Kari rises above all others on the show in terms of ability to be sexy. She will often talk, build things, be painted in gold, write her name in the snow via pissing (and that’s hard for a woman), but most vitally, smile seductively.
Sega Mega “Genesis” Drive
Known to the rest of the world as the Sega Mega Drive and the Genesis in North America, this was Sega’s poor attempt to compete with the glory of Nintendo’s SNES in the 16-bit generation war. The Genesis is known primarily for two things: its ability to play many “classic” Sonic the Hedgehog games, and its ability to connect to other useless pieces of technology to form an even larger piece of useless technology. A Genesis, equipped with its 32X, Mega CD, cleaning cart, several Sonic & Knuckles cartridges, and a copy of Sonic 3 can tower well above many mortal men. This obvious grab at phallic compensation is useless in the face of the SNES’ Mario, Zelda, and Final Fantasy powered cock.
Sonic the Hedgehog – Description by Weskimo
The anthropomorphic whipping boy of Sega’s glory days, Sonic the Hedgehog is the down-on-his-luck kickball of the gaming world. While he was played up as Mario’s rival for gaming supremacy, Sega showed nothing but disdain for his work, constantly trying to throw consumer focus at no-value add ons and jock sports games. The games they contracted to Sonic became progressively shittier. They even tried to phase him out by introducing a new furry star in every game, hoping the fans would like the new guy better. Furry fans of the world loved the little blue bastard-child of a hedgehog and a lonely midget too much to let Sega kill Sonic though, and continued to buy his games, no matter how craptastic and unplayable Sega made them. Sega eventually surrendered their position in the console market, cut Sonic’s pay and started giving him the worst jobs they could come up with. Need a game where we turn the character turns into a werehog? Get Sonic. Need another character to get beat up in Super Smash Bros. Brawl? Sonic’s on it. Goomba shit on the floor? Make Sonic clean it up. Best part is, the little junkie will work for a couple of rings that he’ll just run off and lose when he takes his next hit.
What others are saying: “This game sucks.” -Newbs, SDGR Review of Sonic 1
Special Move: Blue balls
Hades – Description by Fiona
My man Hades is the Greek god of the Underworld. He is one of the major Olympian Gods and brother of Zeus and Poseidon. He uses his awesome godliness to trick Persephone into staying with him as his consort and Queen of the Underworld. She’s his niece, but you know… whatever does it for ya.
Hades is also a Disney bad guy!!!!!!! And I’m sorry, but Disney bad guys are the coolest guys ever. They always have the best songs. And his hair is blue fire, how awesome is that?
Famous lines: “Two thumbs waaay way up for our leading lady.” – as his thumbs burst into fire
Neil “Fucking” Patrick “Fucking” Harris – Description by Doug
One of the greatest actors of all time, Neil began acting in the fourth grade, as Toto in his school’s production of The Wizard of Oz. He starred in the Emmy nominated Doogie Howser MD, and the Emmy nominated How I Met Your Mother.
He is a huge fan of Mystery Science Theater 3000. He had the balls to play a drug-crazed, lecherous parody of himself in both Harold and Kumar movies. He’s awesome, he high fives, and he brought “Suit Up!” into modern lexicon.
Galactic Empire – Description by Fiona
The Galactic Empire is the emerging power when the Old Republic of the Star Wars universe fails. Led by the Galactic Emperor and Sith Lord, former Chancellor Palpatine, the Galactic Empire rules the galaxy as a totalitarian entity with absolute power. Anakin Skywalker is seduced by the Dark Side of the Force and becomes Darth Vader, second in command to the Emperor. The three prequel movies are about his transition to the Dark Side and the fall of the Old Republic, while the original trilogy is about the time period following this, when the Empire is the reigning power.
Kickass tidbits about the Empire proving its giant-dong-awesomeness: A clone army serves the Empire and carries out its evil doings. They created the Death Star which can destroy entire planets. Like the Jedi, the Sith in power use the Force, but are more evil and hardcore about it. Mwahahahaha!!!! Dong-awesome. Vote Galactic Empire.
Famous lines: “Luke, I am your father.” –Darth Vader
What others are saying: “Noooooo!” – Luke Skywalker, in response to above.
Battle cry: The sound of lightsabers being drawn. Vshoooom!!!
Special moves: Electrocuting people, Choking people, wielding double headed lightsabers!
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