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Cock Wars 2011 Summation

May 14, 2011 Cock Wars No Comments
Old Spice Guy

Image: Old Spice.

Cock Wars 2011: Return of the Johnson began humbly. In the Alpha Quadrant, Jack Sparrow took down the Pikmin 12-6, Tesla beat out Felicia Day 11-6, Princess Leia triumphed over the Merfolk of the Pearl Trident 10-5, and Barney Stinson shot past Chewbacca 9-6.

It wasn’t until the Beta Quadrant polls were posted that it became apparent this would be a different kind of year. Rather than a tight race to the finish, we were about to watch a coronation. In round 7, Old Spice Guy blew out next-closest-competitor Luke Skywalker 15-4. When most winners were doubling their closest opponent’s tallies, he was almost quadrupling his.

The Old Spice Guy witnessed tighter competition in the second round. He managed 9 votes to Edward Norton’s 4, Charlie Sheen’s 3, and Lando Calrissian’s 3.

In the final battle, Old Spice guy faced competition who, for anyone else, would have been formidable: Abraham Lincoln, Princess Leia, and Sheldon Cooper. They all paled in might however, and were easily defeated. Lincoln took 4 votes back to the White House, Leia flew 2 back to Alderaan, and Cooper snatched 2 for the lab. Old Spice Guy, meanwhile, scored 11 points to decorate his shower with.

This won’t be the last of Old Spice Guy. Join him, Lincoln, and 14 other favourites from the history of Cock Wars beginning this Wednesday, May 18th when we kick off Cock Wars: The Blown Wars. This will be a two week contest between the greatest heroes in Cock Wars history, celebrating the conclusion of this magical 6 year journey. The top two from each year of Cock will be there, plus three very special previously disqualified candidates, and one rather purple dark horse from the mists of the past.

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