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Cock Wars 2011: Round #9: Count Chocula v. Andrew Jackson v. Joanna Dark v. Natalie Portman

April 14, 2011 Cock Wars 2 Comments

Whose johnson excels?

  • Natalie Portman (65%, 13 Votes)
  • Count Chocula (15%, 3 Votes)
  • Andrew Jackson (15%, 3 Votes)
  • Joanna Dark (5%, 1 Votes)

Total Voters: 20

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Count Chocula (Weskimo)

Image: General Mills

Description: Everyone’s favorite chocolate-loving vampire, Count Chocula, ruled the General Mills cereal lineup with an iron-bucktoothed-grin for the better part of two decades.

This guy had cereal mascotting down to a damn science. Monster: check. Sugary delicious cereal: check. Cult appeal: check. The man even got the Jewish communities up in arms over a medallion on the box that supposedly resembled the Star of David, so religious controversy: check. This prick was the original pop culture vampire, he didn’t need to be a sparkly pedophile vampire to get chicks, he stuck with the tried and true method of chocolate. It’s rumored he keeps a Toblerone in his pocket, if you know what I mean…

Famous Lines: “I vant to eat your cereal”

What others are saying: “Who the fuck is Count Chocula?”

Andrew Jackson (badjokebob)

Image: Public domain.

Description: Old Hickory was born in 1767 three weeks after his father died. His miserable childhood during the American revolution also featured the death of his two brothers and mother all in war related deaths. After being captured by the British he refused to polish an officers boots and was slashed at with a sword leaving him scarred for life.

For some reason little Andy grew up hating the British with a passion. During (technically it was just after) the war of 1812 the future 7th president of the United States kicked British ass so hard they never dared fight us in a war ever again. A few years later, after being ordered to fight Seminole Indians in Georgia he “accidentally” took Florida from the Spanish.

Jackson was not only a brilliant general but he was also a barroom brawler and duelist. He killed a dozen or so (records are incomplete) men that way. He won the plurality of votes for president in 1824 however his congressional enemies gave the top slot to the son of a former president (seems that some things never change). Instead of pouting and growing a beard Jackson fought back and took what was rightfully his four years later.

Bonus stats: +5 vrs. Britons. +3 duelist.

Joanna Dark (Newbs)

Image: Rare/Microsoft.

Description: Carrington Institute Agent Joanna Dark is a force to be reckoned with for any unnamed corporate henchman. Her work against the dataDyne corporation and its concerning conspiracies with alien forces has earned her a worthy reputation as mass-murderer.

Special moves: Circle-strafing with pistols in Felicity.

What others are saying: “Goodnight, Ms. Dark.” – Cassandra De Vries

Natalie Portman (Newbs)

Description: Natalie Portman is a famed American/Israeli actor who has gained reputations for: being hot, being a terrible actor in Star Wars, being a decent actor in other things, and frequently using an awful fake English accent.

Natalie’s big screen debut came in the 1994 film Léon, which everyone should see because it is awesome.

Battle cry: “I will sign no treaty, Senator.”

Famous lines: “To drink and fight… to fuck all night.” – Natalie on SNL.

Currently there are "2 comments" on this Article:

  1. badjokebob says:

    OK George Washington got his ass kicked by Barny Stinson I could live with that, it was Barny after all. Polk lost to Lando Calrissian even after I spent hours on facebook getting people to vote. When I saw the line up for my favorite dead president I was sure I would finally win one but NATALIE FUCKING PORTMAN is kicking Jacksons ass! People please help me out on the next one pick the dead president!

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