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Cock Wars 2011: Round #7: Quark v. Luke Skywalker v. Old Spice Guy v. Thomas Edison

April 7, 2011 Cock Wars No Comments

Whose johnson excels?

  • Old Spice Guy (65%, 15 Votes)
  • Luke Skywalker (17%, 4 Votes)
  • Quark (13%, 3 Votes)
  • Thomas Edison (4%, 1 Votes)

Total Voters: 23

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Quark (BloodLark)

Image: CBS Paramount.

Notable Contribution: Running the wonderful bar on DS9. Quark and Odo have an interesting adversarial friendship. Quark is always trying to pull off illegal get rich schemes and Odo tries to catch him. Quarks unusual loyalty and caring interferes with his profits. He has been known to pass up opportunities to save family. This trait is also why he is not in jail. It is better to have a thief you “trust” than one you can’t. He is also known for living religiously by the Rules of Acquisition.

Death: Data not found.

Quote: “The speed of technological advancement isn’t nearly as important as short term quarterly gains.”

Luke Skywalker (Newbs)

Image: Lucasfilm.

Description: Luke grew up knowing precious little about his family heritage. His father was Anakin Skywalker, who later became Darth Vader, pretty much the meanest dude in the galaxy. Once Luke met up with Vader’s old master, Obi-Wan Kenobi, things began to come together for him. He was able to shake out the infamous sand of his home planet and smack the Empire, along with his father, down all while becoming a Jedi.

Special moves: Switching off his targeting computer.

Old Spice Guy (MerrGe)

Image: Old Spice.

Description: “Hello, voters. Look at my competitors, now back to me, now back at my competitors, now back to me. Sadly, they aren’t me, but that’s all right because you can still vote for me. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re in front of a computer deciding between me and and some people who aren’t me. What’s in your hand? Back to me. It’s a mouse. You can use it to click and vote for me. Scroll up! Back down! Did you vote for me? You should. Why? Because I smell like Old Spice and I’m riding on a horse that’s made of diamonds.”

Special Moves: Smelling fantastic and doing the impossible

Battle Cry: “Swan Dive!”

Thomas Edison (BloodLark)

Image: Public domain.

Notable Contribution: Because he worked with telegraphs he nicknamed his first two kids Dot and Dash. He did invent things like the carbon microphone transmitter, the stock ticker, and the kinetoscope. He also designed the first commercial fluoroscope. Unfortunately, his first willing human guinea pig died from a lethal dose of radiation. He fortunately lost the “War of the Currents” to Tesla.

Questions: Do you know which invention Edison only bought the patents for and didn’t do himself?

Death: Died October 18th 1931 from diabetes.

Quote: “Anything that won’t sell, I don’t want to invent. Its sale is proof of utility, and utility is success.”

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