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Cock Wars 2011: Round #6: Charlie Sheen v. Bumblebee v. Christina Hendricks v. Mons’s Goblin Raiders

April 7, 2011 Cock Wars No Comments

Whose johnson excels?

  • Charlie Sheen (48%, 10 Votes)
  • Christina Hendricks (24%, 5 Votes)
  • Bumblebee (19%, 4 Votes)
  • Mons's Goblin Raiders (10%, 2 Votes)

Total Voters: 21

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Charlie Sheen (MerrGe)

Description: Winning.

Memorable Quotes: “I got tiger blood, man.” “I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.” “I’m tired of pretending like I’m not special. I’m tired of pretending like I’m not bitchin’, a total freakin’ rock star from Mars.” “I’m bi-winning. I win here and I win there. Now what?” “I’ve got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time — and this includes naps — I’m an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground.” “That’s how I roll. And if it’s too gnarly for people, then buh-bye.” “I probably took more drugs than anyone could survive. I was banging seven-gram rocks, because that’s how I roll. I have one speed, I have one gear: Go.” “People are mystified by this odyssey that refuses to quit calling itself Charlie Sheen.” “I am battle-tested bayonets, bro.” “It’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee, because I don’t have time for these clowns.” “I have a disease? Bullshit. I cured it with my brain.”

Bumblebee (Weskimo)

Image: Bumblebee. Hasbro.

After the Decepticons all but took over Cybertron and the Autobots were down to resistance movement-type fighting, Bumblebee was among the first team of Autobots sent to Earth to secure a source of Energon. Standing 15 feet tall and weighing in at innumerable tons of space-metal car, this yellow robot can freaking rock the house.

Many of the Transformers transform into some extreme forms of overcompensating cock-waving. But not Bumblebee. He doesn’t need to be a fighter jet, a semi-truck, a tank, or a fucking dinosaur. This guy is a goddamn yellow Volkswagon Beetle. This is one Transformer who is comfortable with what he’s got ‘under the hood’.

Fiercely loyal and brave almost to a fault, Bumblebee continually throws himself into the fray to help his friends. He is often commissioned to play a messenger or scout role because of his relatively small size (as far as alien robots go) but you never see him running from a fight. Bumblebee’s tactics and sheer nerve have carried the Autobot forces to victory time and time again.

Christina Hendricks (Newbs)

Description: Christina Hendricks is a famed female actor of the modern era. Her best known TV appearance is as Joan Holloway in the hit drama Mad Men. She also played the character Saffron in two episodes of Firefly which rank as some of the hottest in television history.

Special moves: Taking over the internet every time she is photographed.

What others are saying: “Titties.” – Newbs

Mons’s Goblin Raiders (Weskimo)

Image: Wizards of the Coast.

4th Edition Magic the Gathering had no rival for the strength of the goblins. Often found hanging around with their orc cousins (remember orcs?), goblins were the backbone of any red deck, and Mons’s Goblin Raiders were the path to victory.

The fury of the goblins could not be contained by any army. There were just too many of them, and they all used goblin war drums to distract your defenders. Players the world over still wake up in cold sweats and stale fear, remembering the quaking terror they felt as they were crushed by wave after wave of 1/1 goblins.

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