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Cock Wars 2011: Round #10: Sheldon Cooper v. Mountain Goat v. Peter Jackson v. Pikachu

April 14, 2011 Cock Wars No Comments

Whose johnson excels?

  • Sheldon Cooper (48%, 13 Votes)
  • Peter Jackson (26%, 7 Votes)
  • Pikachu (15%, 4 Votes)
  • Mountain Goat (11%, 3 Votes)

Total Voters: 27

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Sheldon Cooper (Weskimo)

Image: CBS.

Description: Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper, B.S, M.S, M.A, Ph.D, Sc.D, is possibly the smartest man ever fictionally created. Armed with a fully eidetic memory, a healthy distaste for human contact, and an undeniable sense of self-worth, Shelldor, level 85 Blood Elf, dominates his small social group with his intelligence and unassailable stubbornness. It’s often questioned why the group lets him get his way but the consensus is that it would be more work than it’s actually worth to argue with him.

Sheldon’s extremely high IQ of 187 leads him to lead an exceptionally logical, though egocentric, life. Despite this, his complete social ineptitude and tendency to bluntly speak his mind often get him into disagreements with friends, family, and the service industry. He also possesses any number of strange personal idiosyncrasies that leave him in conflict with the rest of the human world. These include germophobia, an obsessive attachment to routines, and a barely functional understanding of sarcasm, irony, or basic human emotion.

All of that being said, Sheldon’s not crazy; his mother had him tested.

Likes: The Comic Book Store. Spock. Trains.

Dislikes: Being interrupted or ignored. Friends bickering. Wil Wheaton.

Famous Lines: “That’s my spot.” “In the winter that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm, and yet not so close as to cause perspiration. In the summer, it’s directly in the path of a cross-breeze created by opening windows there and there. It faces the television at an angle that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide as to create a parallax distortion. I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point.”
“Oh, Mario. How I wish I could control everyone the way I can with you… Hop, you little plumber! Hop, hop, hop!” “Bazinga!”

Mountain Goat (Weskimo)

Image: Wizards of the Coast.

Description: The Mountain Goat’s power among 5th Edition Magic: the Gathering is legendary. He goes where he will, hits who he will, and delivers righteous horny thunder on unsuspecting opponents.

He doesn’t need sharp teeth, he doesn’t need battlefield dominating abilities, and he sure as hell doesn’t need your other bullshit creatures crowding him. Let the Goat do his damn thing and mountainwalk all over the fucking place.

Peter Jackson (MerrGe)

Image: Peter Jackson's Facebook page.

Description: One of only 7 directors who have won Best Picture, Best Director, and Best Screenplay (Orig/Adapted) for the same film. Formerly known for directing a bunch of horror movies, but all you really need to know is that he is responsible for the three Lord of the Rings movies. I mean really, what more do you want?

Special move: Losing 50 pounds

Quotes: “Don’t worry. Gollum isn’t going to be another Jar Jar Binks.”

What others are saying: “I always trusted him. If there was a way that I had seen something and he had seen it differently, I would… trust his vision. We were in brilliant hands.” – Elijah Wood

Pikachu (Newbs)

Image: Nintendo.

Description: Among the literally hundreds of Pok√©mon species which exist, the Pikachu has risen to be the most well known, and among the millions of Pikachus, the one known as “Pikachu,” whose master is Ash Ketchum, has become the lone animal in the universe most desired by Team Rocket.

All of this is for good reason. The thousands of hours of anime which Pikachu has starred in demonstrate that he is of a level beyond the cap. His electrical blasting powers are above those that maxed-out stats should allow.

Battle cry: “Piiikaaaaaachuuuuuuuuuu!”

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