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Cock Wars 2011: Round #1: Q v.George Washington v. Barney Stinson v. Chewbacca

March 31, 2011 Cock Wars 2 Comments

Whose johnson excels?

  • Barney Stinson (39%, 9 Votes)
  • Chewbacca (26%, 6 Votes)
  • Q (Star Trek) (22%, 5 Votes)
  • George Washington (13%, 3 Votes)

Total Voters: 23

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Q (BloodLark)

Image: CBS Paramount.

Description: Introduced in the very first episode, “Encounter at Farpoint,” Q is an immortal and omnipotent alien from the race that makes up the Q Continuum.

He is the driving force behind the main story arch of Star Trek Next Generation. His humour and mischief brought about some of the most comical and memorable moments across three difference series of Star Trek. He once gave Riker the power of a Q and romantically pursued Janeway in Voyager.

Questions: What exactly is a Q?

Death: None, he’s immortal.

Quote: “He’s devious and amoral and unreliable and irresponsible and… and definitely not to be trusted.” Captain Jean-Luc Picard

George Washington (badjokebob)

Image: Public domain.

Description: Born in Virginia in 1732 he soon grew to a towering six foot two giant of a man in the day when five foot nine was considered tall. He survived a life and death struggle with the smallpox virus at age nineteen and went on to fight the French in the French and Indian war at the age of Twenty-two. During this time he learned the arts of war, leadership, bravery and persistence.

In 1775 he was appointed commander in chief of the continental army. He took the position knowing that the revolution was almost certainly doomed to failure and failure would mean disaster for him and his family. Washington lost many battles against the larger and better trained and equipped British army yet never surrendered and kept his army in the field until final victory in 1783. He then did the unthinkable by refusing the offered crown as George the First of America.

As the father of a country his cock must be totally awesome.

Barney Stinson (Weskimo)

Image: CBS.

What can you really say about Barney Stinson? He’s everything a man should be. He drinks every day, he sleeps three hours every night, and he has multiple sex partners. He’s doing everything right! Barney lives his life by the oldest and most sacred Code of all: The Bro Code. A strict Code dedicated to helping out other bros through thick and thin…unless, you know, he has got something going on at the time. The other bro can probably handle it.

Barney is famous for his mysterious corporate job, his totally awesome suits, and his almost inhuman skill at laser tag. But perhaps his most colossal accomplishment is the creation of “The Playbook”, a book where he has documented all of the “Plays” that bros can use pick up chicks. Some of the gems of this text include the “He’s Not Coming,” the “Ted Mosby,” and the incredibly involved “Scubadiver. ” Did you know he also doesn’t get sick? That’s right. Whenever he starts to feel sick, he just stops being sick and is awesome instead. True story.

Famous Lines: “Legen-wait for it…DARY!,” “Challenge accepted!,” “Haaaaaaaave you met Ted?,” “What UP!”

Battle Cry: “Suit up!”

Special Moves: Suiting up. Being awesome. Having had more than 200 sexual partners. High fives.

Chewbacca a.k.a. “Chewie” (Newbs)

Image: Lucasfilm.

Description: Chewbacca is the heroic co-pilot of the Millennium Falcon. His travels with infamous smuggler, Han Solo are the stuff of hairy legend. Chewie’s role in the Rebel Alliance was pivotal against the Empire. His achievements during that time include carrying C-3P0 around on his back, grunting, and commandeering an AT-ST walker.

Special moves: Violently spinning in Super Return of the Jedi.

Famous lines: “Warrrr waaaaarrrr waaaa”

What others are saying: “What a wookie!” – Supernova

Currently there are "2 comments" on this Article:

  1. MerrGe says:

    Has Neil Patrick Harris been in every cock wars or just the last three?

Comment on this Article:







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