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Cock Wars 2011: Return of the Johnson Nomination Request and FAQ

March 8, 2011 Cock Wars 8 Comments

Image: Star Wars Attack of the Clones. Lucasfilm.

Five years ago, I declared Cock Wars open for stupidity with the intention of running it annually for six years (based only on the fact that there are six proper Star Wars films with titles for me to parody). Well, we’re nearly there.

This is the very last year that you have to let your voices heard in the profound War of the Dicks. Post your nominations for contestants in the comments section below. Remember: no repeats from previous years allowed, and volunteering to write the description for your nomination greatly raises the chances of your competitor being accepted into the actual competition.

The first Cock Wars 2011 “polls” will open Thursday, March 31, 2011, and will run for exactly one week. This will go on every Thursday for a total of six weeks, when a champion will be declared.

That’s not all for Cock Wars this year, however, as Return of the Johnson will immediately be followed by Cock Wars: The Blown Wars. This will be a faster, 16-entrant competition featuring previous Cock Wars champions, near-champions, and disqualified candidates. After two weeks of this, an overall god will be declared, and I will at long last be freed of this childish distraction.

For the less familiar Cock Warriors, please read the FAQ which follows.


What is Cock Wars?

Cock Wars is the ultimate battle for supremacy in the universe. Competitors use their strength of dong to claim superiority over others.

How does it work?

I will post the polls on the front page of ShufflingDead, you vote for who you think is the most awesome in each, the winner moves on to the next round. Polls will run for a full week, and, until the final, four will be posted at a time.

How do I vote?

Polls will be run here on the front page of ShufflingDead. Anyone can vote, provided he or she has the coordination to select a contestant in each poll.

Who is eligible for Cock Wars 2011?

Basically any real person, fictional character, organization, or entity ever is a viable contestant. Historical figures, real or fake company mascots, real or fake companies, movie characters, comic book characters, book characters, TV show hosts, video game characters, etc. Anyone or anything you can think of! Repeats from Cock Wars 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, and 2010 are NOT allowed.

Get your nominations in now by posting them in the comments section below. I’m far more likely to accept your nominations if you simultaneously volunteer to write those nominees’ descriptions.

How many contestants will there be?

64 contestants, with four entrants per poll.

How long will it last?

Less than two months!

When does it start?

The first four polls will open Thursday, March 31, 2011. Those polls will be closed the following Monday, when four new polls will open.

Will there be character descriptions this year?

I personally despise writing the character descriptions, but we’ve had a lot of fun over the last couple years with volunteers handling the bulk of write-ups. My hope is to have user-submitted descriptions become the norm, so if you’d like to volunteer and make my dream a reality, let me know along with your nominations.

Currently there are "8 comments" on this Article:

  1. BloodLark says:

    Please pardon all repetitions, and I am willing to write up at least a few of my nominations.

    Kai Winn, Gul Dukat, Garak, Mirror verse Kira- DS9

    Lore, Q, The Borg, Gul Madred- TNG

    Geoffrey Rush

    • BloodLark says:

      Tomas Edison- Inventor
      Nikola Tesla- Inventor

      Richard Castle- Castle or just Nathan Fillion
      Dr. Cal Lightman- Lie to Me
      Gary Oldman
      Edward Norton
      Ralph Fiennes
      James Cameron

      Pan- Greek God, Hercules, Achilles

  2. Weskimo says:

    Dexter Morgan

    Also, any other nominations I list I can do descriptions for.

  3. badjokebob says:

    My nominations are all dead white guys with enough cock power to kick over the aristocratic anthill.
    George Washington; The wooden toothed father of our country.
    John Adams; The first man in the history of the planet with enough balls to hand over power to his enemies because of an election.
    Andrew Jackson; The man on the twenty dollar bill.
    James K. Polk; Possibly the ballsiest man ever to occupy the oval office.

    I will be honored to write up appropriate descriptions for my fellow shuffling dead fans.

  4. Weskimo says:

    Dr. Cox- Scrubs
    Bumblebee- Transformers
    Starscream- Transformers
    Captain Crunch
    Toucan Sam
    Trix Rabbit
    Count Chocula
    Sheldon Cooper- Big Bang Theory
    Barney Stinson- How I Met Your Mother
    Mons Goblin Raiders
    Mountain Goat
    Merfolk of the Pearl Trident
    Scryb Sprites

  5. Newbs says:

    Hey team, here’s a list of all previous contenders to help inspire ideas and give you a way to check who’s already been used: http://shufflingdead.com/forumpics/CW-All-2011.jpg

    Here’s who we’ve got competing so far for sure:

    Two inventors:
    Tomas Edison (BloodLark)
    Nikola Tesla (BloodLark)

    Five TV dudes:
    Dr. Cal Lightman (BloodLark)
    Richard Castle (BloodLark)
    Dexter Morgan (Weskimo)
    Sheldon Cooper (Weskimo)
    Barney Stinson (Weskimo)
    …anyone else to give me an even number?

    Four director:
    James Cameron (BloodLark)
    Peter Jackson (MerrGe)
    George Lucas (MerrGe)
    Steven Spielberg (MerrGe)

    Four badass actors:
    Gary Oldman (BloodLark)
    Edward Norton (BloodLark)
    Ralph Fiennes (BloodLark)
    Geoffrey Rush (BloodLark)

    Four from Star Trek:
    Garak (BloodLark)
    Q (BloodLark)
    Odo (BloodLark)
    Quark (BloodLark)

    Four Magic Cards:
    Mons Goblin Raiders (Weskimo)
    Mountain Goat (Weskimo)
    Merfolk of the Pearl Trident (Weskimo)
    Scryb Sprites (Weskimo)

    Two Transformers:
    Bumblebee (Weskimo)
    Starscream (Weskimo)

    Two ancient Heroes/Demigods:
    Achilles (BloodLark)
    Hercules (BloodLark)

    Four mascots:
    Toucan Sam (Weskimo)
    Trix Rabbit (Weskimo)
    Count Chocula (Weskimo)
    Old Spice Guy (MerrGe)

    Four historical American political figures (badjokebob)

    Four Nintendo heroes:
    Donkey Kong (Newbs)
    Samus (Newbs)
    Captain Falcon (Newbs)
    Pikachu (Newbs)

    That’s about 40 if we can fill some of those holes. Just… 24 to go! Get your nominations in now, I want the chart sorted out by March 25 to give people time for their first round of writing assignments.

  6. MerrGe says:

    I’ll do some directors:

    Peter Jackson
    George Lucas
    Steven Spielberg

    Also the guy from the old spice commercials

  7. Newbs says:

    Thanks everyone for helping me deal with some of the holes listed in my post above. I’ve edited it to reflect the latest locked-in warriors. I even included four for myself to write.

    I’ve read through all of our previous contenders and come up with a list of pretty obvious omissions, help narrow this down. Also, let me know if you want to write any of these!

    We need at least four from Lord of the Rings. Obvious choices include:
    Arwen
    Faramir
    Saruman
    Elrond
    Eowyn
    Grima
    Balrog of Moria

    Four from Star Wars. Obvious choices include:
    Luke Skywalker
    Princess Leia
    Queen Amidala
    Lando Calrissian
    Chewbacca
    C-3P0 & R2D2
    Emperor Palpatine
    Boba Fett
    Biggs & Wedge

    More video game icons. Obvious choices include:
    Joanna Dark
    Mega Man
    Olimar and/or Pikmin
    Pit
    any Fire Emblem characters

    More movie badasses. Obvious choices include:
    The Dude (Big Lebowski)
    Alice (Resident Evil)
    we’ve never had anyone from Pirates of the Carribean, so… Jack Sparrow at least
    we’ve never had anyone from The Matrix, so… Neo at least

    More hot ladies. Obvious choices include:
    Christina Hendricks
    Natalie Portman
    Scarlett Johansson
    Felicia Day

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