Cock Wars 2010 Contestants – Delta Quadrant

Welcome to the Cock Wars 2010 Delta Quadrant contestant descriptions. The polls for this mighty competition of poll are now open, and your input can be input right here. For more on this important piece of pop culture cluster-fuckery, see the FAQ, and check out the battle bracket.

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Jason Bourne – description by Weskimo

Super soldier, super spy, and government-owned and operated assassin, Jason Bourne is one of the world’s most dangerous men. With aliases around the world, he can move and blend anywhere, anytime. He is highly trained in combat, be it hand-to-hand, firearms, or even explosives. After shaking off his government assassin conditioning, he was hunted savagely by the organization he used to work for unquestioningly. But despite all of their resources and several more “assets” like Bourne, they couldn’t take him out, he left them all in the dust, bashing their heads against the wall in frustration. Through masterful evasion, surveillance, combat, and a few intense car chases, Bourne defeated entire government agencies, and still had time to stop and pick up the girl on the way.

Special moves: Handing out beatdowns with choppy camera angles.

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Kirby

Eight inches of pure pink puff, Kirby is a stubby, rotund eating leviathan. He hails from the land called Dream, and can absorb the powers of his enemies to exploit their abilities.

Kirby has gone on numerous adventures, traveling lands far and wide to vanquish evil and end tyranny. He once took down the arrogant King Dedede, who had taken over Dream Land and stolen the food of its residents.

Kirby’s abilities are limitless, thanks to his power-stealing suck maneuver. He’s been known to transform into everything from a revved-up wheel to Link, the hero of time himself.

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Bellatrix Lestrange – description by Weskimo

Bellatrix is the Dark Lord Voldemort’s best and most powerful lieutenant. Ruthless in her pursuit of the Dark Lord’s favor, she endeavors to please him in any way possible, using her obvious sociopathic tendencies to inflict as much pain as possible, upon whoever possible. An extraordinarily skilled witch, she has had many successful encounters with the Order of the Phoenix, her most famous accomplishments being the torturing of Frank and Alice Longbottom into permanent insensibility and the murder of Sirius Black. She is not like some of the other wizards in Voldemort’s army, who view Muggles and Muggle-born wizards as beneath their notice. They might shrug off a Muggle’s presence, or swat it away uncaringly. Bellatrix takes cruel delight in causing pain, and is definitely the type to play with her food before she kills and eats it.

Special move: Laughing maniacally.

Famous lines: “I killed Sirius Black! I killed Sirius Black!”

What others are saying: “NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU BITCH!” – Molly Weasley

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Slippy Toad – description by Weskimo

Slippy is a member of the StarFox mercenary squadron. Despite his high frequency of needing to be rescued by the more serious members of his team, Slippy is a highly valued member for his light-heartedness and general happy-go-lucky, come-what-may nature, not to mention his spectacular mechanical skills. Ladies, let me lay it out for you: He’s a highly paid mercenary. He’s a pilot. He can fix your car. And he’s got one hell of a tongue. What else could you ask for?

Famous lines: “Fox, get this guy off me!”

What others are saying: “Slippy, get back here!” – Peppy

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President Dr. Gaius Baltar

Gaius Baltar began the Second Cylon War on decidedly the wrong foot. He discovered that his lover was a Cylon spy, and that in working with her on the defense systems of the Twelve Colonies, he had actually given up the security of the human race, risking its very survival. Baltar followed up his genocide of humanity by sleezing his way aboard the Battlestar Galactica and doing everything possible to ensure his own comfort.

Over the course of the war, Baltar transformed himself from selfish bastard to caring leader and man of the people. Gaius became the elected President of the Twelve Colonies, and led his people to the comforts of New Caprica. It was during his presidency that the good doctor also banged his way through just about every remaining attractive woman the human species had left. Baltar concluded the war as leader of a monotheistic cult in which he re-banged all the best ladies.

Famous lines: “If we knew God’s will, we’d all be Gods, wouldn’t we?

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Alan Garner – description by jen

Alan Garner is a fictional character from the movie The Hangover. In the movie, Alan is a groomsman for his soon to be brother in law, Doug. Together with Doug’s two other groomsman, they head down to Las Vegas for a fun filled bachelor party the night before the wedding. The next morning, the three groomsmen wake up, with no memory of the previous night, and soon realise that Doug is missing. The suite is in severe disorder, a tiger is in the bathroom, a baby is in the closet, one of the groomsman is missing a tooth and has an ATM receipt for $800 from The Bellagio, one of the suite’s mattresses is impaled on a statue outside, the other groomsman is wearing a hospital bracelet, and a valet brings them a stolen police cruiser they dropped off the night before. Oh, and theres a fucking chicken walking around. At any rate, Alan proves that though he may be slightly socially inept, and a bit of a “ruh-tard,” he means well. Really, anyone who survives an encounter with a full grown tiger, a crazy naked Chinese guy, and a taser, well his cock must be large enough.

Famous lines:
“You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack… it grew by one. So there… there were two of us in the wolf pack… I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, “Wait a second, could it be?” And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast!”

Battle cry:
Hey you guys ready to let the dogs out?
Ha ha! Drivin’ drunk. Classic.

What others are saying:
“Would you please put some pants on? I feel wierd having to ask you twice.”
Not you, fat Jesus
Don’t let Alan drive, because there’s something wrong with him.

Special move: Finding bad ecstasy.

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Kakashi Sensei – description by BloodLark

Being a mysterious man, only the ramen man and girl get to glimpse his awesome visage. Kakashi Sensei has had a rough life, when Sasuke said he hoped that Kakashi would lose all those he cared about he just answered that they were all dead already.

A laid back kind of guy he is often late. This is because he is too absorbed in the newest Make Out novel, for those who don’t know it’s an erotic book series. Once Naruto even used Kakashi’s love of this series against him by threatening to ruin the ending of the newest novel.

Being a powerful S class ninja, Kakashi has many skills and abilities. He is known as the “Copycat Ninja” for his sharingun ability to mimic any move. He has his own special technique of Chiordi. It’s basically a lightning blade on his hand that sounds like a bunch of birds chirping.

He is a badass, a perv, and totally dedicated to his team.

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Terrans – description by MerrGe

The Terrans are the human faction in Starcraft. They are physically similar to humans of the twenty-first century, but are slowly evolving into a psionically potent race, although they are still generations from reaching their full potential. The genetic basis was brought from Earth during the “Long Sleep.” At present, only a small number possess psionic powers. The terrans of the Koprulu Sector descend from the survivors of a 23rd century colonization mission from Earth that was made up of convicts and other “expendables.” Compared to the Protoss and Zerg, the Terrans are highly factionalized and endure frequent wars amongst themselves in addition to the more recent conflicts with their alien neighbors. Just like the humans of today, they are constantly fighting and backstabbing, but can still unite in the face of a common enemy. They then go back to fighting each other.

The Terrans have greatly advanced their technology since the 21st century. The descendants of the Long Sleep have the ability to create space stations, memory modification, teleportation technology, embark on faster than light travel and communication holograms. They also tend to attatch jet engines to important buildings so they can fly away if need be. Terrans have access to artificial intelligence that is widespread in use and is reasonably sophisticated, at least in software. Terrans have developed advanced weapons of war, such as giant space battlecruisers, siege tanks, nuclear weapons, Ion Cannons, and cloaking devices. Militarily, Terrans have developed the ability to quickly repair their vehicles and structures in the field. The key in terran warfare is their flexibility, which they use to outmaneuver and annialate all that oppose them.

Famous lines:
“Need a light?”
“Somebody call for an exterminator?”
“I can’t build it. Somethin’s in the way.”
“Comm-link online”
“In case of a water landing, you may be used as a flotation device.”

Battle cry: Gimme something to shoot!

What others are saying:
“Nuclear launch detected.”
“Your brain… it is somewhat limited.” – Zamara commenting on terran mental prowess.
“We could not unite under one banner or even form a coalition. In fact, every time there was a chance for that, one faction or another did something to enhance the advancement of their own political agenda over the other factions. Often at the expense of the rest of humanity.” – Michael Liberty

Special move: “Nuclear missile ready.”

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Captain Montgomery “Scotty” Scott

Montgomery Scott was born in Linlithgow, Scotland in 2222. From those humble beginnings, Scotty would rise through the ranks of Starfleet, serving as Chief Engineer of the USS Enterprise for many years. His time there was spent repeatedly saving his Captain’s ass, one James Tiberius Kirk. As such, Scotty played an indispensable role in the historic five year mission of the Enterprise, and the development of the United Federation of Planets.

Scotty stored himself in a transporter buffer as a means of staying alive in an accident during his retirement. Thanks to this last great example of technical wizardry, Scott was able to live into the 24th century, and meet Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise-D.

Famous lines: “I’m giving her all she’s got, Captain!”

What others are saying: “Beam me up, Scotty!” – non-Trekkies incorrectly quoting Star Trek

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V – description by Psycho_Limey

Vacant is the visage of this vapid population. Our vagility only vainglory in our vallation of this velitation that is today.

V stands, valiantly, a vedette against those virulent vermin, so vicious in their vapulatory victimization of society.

Our V, a vaudevillian veteran, by his own voice the vestige of the vox pupuli, vanquishes the voracious venerer of our freedom. Valorous this vafrous vadelect of we the vulgus volunteers vulnerary to our vexating and virose society.

Voilà! V stands victorious not vanished as our volition. Violently this visitation concludes, V stands vivified, vowing his verticity against the vicissitudes of fate.

In short, VOTE.

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Zeus – description by BloodLark

Zeus is a god who cut open his father’s stomach to retrieve his siblings. He also had such a bad headache one day that he had his buddy Hephaestus split his head open. Interestingly, a fully developed Athena popped out. Being quite an amorous man he is infamous for his many sexual escapades, much to the fury of his wife Hera. He has only 30 or so bastards, some of the more famous mortals being Hercules, and Helen of Troy.

Gifted with thunder and lightning bolts, Zeus was known to have quite the temper. He put one silly mortal on a burning wheel for eternity when he tried to rape Hera. No one messes with his woman but him, like when he hung her upside down in the sky for trying to kill Hercules.

He did know how to reward those he liked, though. He gave one rather cunning man three times the life span for agreeing with him in saying men enjoy sex more than women.

So in the words of a great man: “Zeus father of Apollo of Mount Olympus. Don’t fuck with me or I’ll shove a lightning bolt up your ass Zeus!”

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Chad Kroeger – description by jen

You know who Chad Kroeger is. His name is synonymous with douche and bad Jesus-like hair. He is the lead singer, the face, of the Canadian band Nickelback, a shame which we all must face. “Few bands inspire such intense hatred as Nickelback” (USA today), and as their lead, Chad Kroeger has done much to prove that he is one of the biggest cocks in music today.

Famous lines:
“I wrote this song when I was high on Magic Mushrooms”
“I definitely consider myself a songwriter first because that’s my best attribute. I’ll never be the best guitar player. I can definitely make more of a mark with my song writing.” (ha)

Battle cry: I am not a leader of men, since I prefer to follow.”

What others are saying:
“Chad Kroeger named his band “Nickelback” after the hooker asked him for a refund.”
“Chad Kroeger qualified for sumo wrestling at the age of 14 because his head was filled with 500 lbs. of douche.”
“Nickelback are a gnarled, vulgar band reveling in their ignorance of the very notion of taste, lacking either the smarts or savvy to wallow in bad taste so they just get ugly, knocking out knuckle-dragging riffs that seem rarefied in comparison to their thick, boneheaded words” – Stephen Thomas Erlewine of Allmusic

Special moves: Drunk Driving. Fighting with pickles on Facebook. Punching furniture salesmen, and getting sued for it. Breaking in and stealing from his junior high school. Getting into fights at bars and strip clubs. Seriously, the guy is working on a decent criminal record.

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Andre the Giant – description by sulci

When he first started training to become a wrestler in France as a teenager in the 60s, no one was brave enough to train with such a hulk of a man. At 7″4 (over 2.2 meters tall) and weighing around 500lbs, its sort of hard to blame anyone.

Hulk Hogan actually tore a back muscle slamming him in the WWF ring, and said Andre felt like he weight “more like 700lbs.” Andre was the first inductee into the WWF Hall of Fame.

He also had a career in acting, notably playing Fezzik in the Princess Bride. Another notable achievement is unofficially being crowned “The Greatest Drunk on Earth” for once consuming 119 12-ounce beers in 6 hours.

What others are saying: When André was in a bar one night, four men came up to him and began harassing him about his size. At first, André attempted to avoid confrontation, but eventually he proceeded to chase the hecklers until they locked themselves in their car. André then grabbed the car and turned it over with the four people trapped inside.

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Teal’c – description by Fiona

Teal’c is an alien member of SG1 in the Stargate TV series. He is a Jaffa, which means he carries a larval Goa’uld symbiote in his stomach, the infant form of the “bad guys” in the show. The symbiote gives him a heightened immune system as well as increased strength. He lacks knowledge in Earth customs, but is very curious and highly humorous when he interprets things literally or the wrong way. Teal’c is pretty much the epitome of awesome; he’s brave, honourable, has a great sense of humour and can kick just about anybody’s ass.

Famous lines:
“Indeed.”
“Things will not calm down DanielJackson. Things will in fact calm up.”
“Undomesticated equines could not remove me.”

What others are saying:
“Teal’c’s like, the deepest person I know!” – Daniel Jackson
“Way to go Junior!” – Jack O’Neill, about Teal’c’s symbiote whenever it saves him from something life-threatening

Special move: Having a Goau’ld symbiote in his stomach. It makes him all strong and invincible and stuff.

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Optimus Prime – description by Weskimo

Leader of the Autobots, Optimus Prime leads from the front. Any Autobot offensive is preceded by the gleaming grill of Prime’s semi-truck alternative form. Though generally kind-circuited and deeply respectful of all life, Optimus Prime is no slouch when it comes to dropping the hammer. A towering powerhouse, his might has been a constant barrier to Decepticon victory. As the Autobots and Decepticons battle each other across the galaxy, you will always find Prime in the thick of it, turning the tide with his plasma rifle and unwavering resolve. Some might describe him as a reluctant warrior, but Optimus Prime is the posterchild for the phrase “Peace through Superior Firepower.”

Famous lines:
“Now all we need is a little Energon, and a lot of luck”
“As long as power flows through any of my circuits, Megatron, I’ll fight you.”

Special moves: Running over Decepticons. Pissing off Megatron.

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Counterspell – description by Weskimo

One of the most feared instruments of any blue wizard’s weaponry, Counterspell is the ultimate in negation. A well-placed Counterspell can throw off the most carefully planned strategies, instantly turning the duel from certain defeat to shit-eating glee. Counterspells make up the backbone of control decks and transform every battle from a mere game into an agonizing assault on your opponents dignity.

Battle Cry: “Nope!”

What others are saying: “Sigh…”

Special moves: Side effects may include feelings of inadequacy and impotence.

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