Cock Wars 2009 Summation

Cock Wars 2009 was begun with 64 aspiring Cock Master Generals, and was concluded with the crowning of one supreme being of legendary status. Lord of the Rings, Alien, Chrono Trigger, Batman, and Spiderman characters warred against the wealthiest of men, the harsh Russian winter, and video game consoles. A Tetris piece did slay a rock star. Napoleon’s tactical ability was no match for the Alien Queen. Iron Man outmaneuvered Dr. Octopus. Bill Nye the Science Guy outsmarted the Mongol cavalry.

Ultimately, the war came down to a single battle. Ares, god of war, become the Alpha Quadrant champion. The maniacal Joker won the Beta championship. Batman conquered the Gamma Quadrant. And Neil Patrick Harris slew all comers in the Delta Quadrant. Those four then came together for a contest of testicular strength, in a culmination of wang so lengthy and girthy as to be almost unimaginable.

These four battled one another with honour and a might of cock worthy of the deepest respect. As the contest began, it quickly became obvious that Batman and his nemesis The Joker would be no match for the likes of Ares and NPH.

The battle wore on; Ares pulled ahead, then Harris. The two struggled, one outdoing the other. The fight continued like this for a full week. Eventually, Ares tired of the fury Harris was able to lay down, and he eventually succumb to the might of the former child actor.

Neil Patrick Harris: former child star, cameo god, internet musical sensation, and sitcom actor, has achieved a glory so great, its significance is immeasurable, he is the Cock Wars 2009 champion.