IMAGE: STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION. COPYRIGHT CBS PARAMOUNT STUDIO.

Plot: Riker, Data, and Yar head down to a soundstage in the process of investigating the mysterious disappearance of a starship. Riker soon finds the captain, or supposed captain, of this vessel, whose name I think is Pockmarked Ugly Face. Ugly Face turns out to be a projection created by a weapons system which was once being sold by the inhabitants of the soundstage. Picard and Crusher join the away team only to be trapped in a cave together, where their characters are conveniently given something to do.

Character Development: In this episode, the three highest ranking officers of the Enterprise beam down to planet Minos and are subsequently stranded, leaving Geordi La Forge in charge. Geordi is given an opportunity to be confident and prove the worth of his ongoing existence.

Also, Picard and Dr. Crusher are shoved into a cave together to chat it up, thus teasing the audience with the potential for romance that will fail to materialize.

Forehead of the Week: This honour has to go to the great Minosians, who invented an automated weapon system so powerful it destroyed them as its sales pitch. I think all the Darwin Awards were given to them after that, forever.

Memorable Quote: “At your service, captain.” – Data, upon leaping nearly 12 meters and landing his hulking mechanical body dangerously close to an already wounded Dr. Crusher

IMAGE: STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION. COPYRIGHT CBS PARAMOUNT STUDIO

On this week’s episode of Star Trek, we are treated to a reasonably well written story with actual character development.

Plot: The Enterprise is called to the aid of a starship adrift in the neutral zone. Life signs are detected on board, and so a small away team is sent over to investigate. Geordi is given the chance to test out a “visual acuity transmitter” for his VISOR, which allows the bridge to see what Geordi sees. It turns out Geordi’s life is a non-stop acid trip in which light and shapes constantly flicker around him in a disorienting fashion. Oh yeah, and some Klingons are rescued. They come on board and mess with Worf’s head.

Character Development: In this episode, we learn that Worf is an actual character with an actual back story. He was rescued by a Starfleet officer and grew up as the adopted child of humans.

Forehead of the Week: There is no doubt that this honour should go to the mighy Klingons themselves. In this episode, we learn of their shouting-session as death ritual. We also get a chance to gain insight into the political discomfort some citizens of the Empire have with peace with the Federation.

Memorable Quote: “It is only a empty shell now, please treat it as such.” – A Klingon logically describing a dead body.

IMAGE: STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION. COPYRIGHT CBS PARAMOUNT STUDIOS.

In this week’s episode, absolutely nothing happens of any consequence.

Plot: Two Starfleet personnel have come for a visit. They want to interrogate the entire crew of the Enterprise and probe for any flaws in Picard’s command. Remarkably, this leads to many references to previous episodes, but never degenerates into a clip show.

Meanwhile, Wesley Crusher takes the Starfleet Academy entrance exam on Relva VII. The entrance exams appear to have been stiffened up since the likes of Reg Barclay graduated. Wes must beat out three other obnoxious wunderkinds to even get in.

Character Development: In this episode, we learn that Wes is too nice for Starfleet. The examiners know he helped another student, but they reward the cheater, instead of the helpful acting ensign.

Forehead of the Week: That great honour goes to the Benzite. These fishy creatures need mysterious vapours pumped onto their faces through Neil Young’s harmonica at all times to survive.

Memorable Quote: “I failed the first time.” – Picard, revealing the entrance exam is meaningless.

IMAGE: STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION. COPYRIGHT CBS PARAMOUNT STUDIOS.

In this Star Trek episode of the week, we explore the meaning of life.

Plot: The Enterprise checks in on a terraforming colony operated by a handful of the shifty and shady. After a murder takes place on the colony by a rogue drilling laser, Data has to act fast to take the contraption down (see above). It turns out the machinery has been hijacked by a previously undetected crystalline life form.

Character Development: In this episode, Counselor Troi informs us that Director Kurt Mandl of the terraformers is nervous after he blatantly appears standoffish and, well, nervous. This is important to remember for later episodes when it becomes clear that the only interesting characteristic of Troi is her mother.

Forehead of the Week: That title goes to the unnamed crystal organism living on the supposedly dead world of Velara III. Some of the crystal is brought back to the Enterprise where it begins to reproduce. This chunk of material becomes known, insultingly, as the microbrain.

Memorable Quote: “Ugly giant bags of mostly water.” – The crystal life form in its astute assessment of the human interlopers.

IMAGE: STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION. COPYRIGHT CBS PARAMOUNT STUDIOS.

On this week’s Star Trek episode, Wesley Crusher is asked by a group of aliens to repopulate their species.

Plot: The Enterprise stumbles upon the rumoured planet of Aldea, only to find its residents are not as awesome as legend would have them believe. The Aldeans have lost the ability to reproduce, and they kidnap children from the Enterprise with the hopes of kick-starting a new generation for their planet.

Character Development: In “When the Bough Brakes,” we learn that Harry Bernard, son of Starfleet lieutenant Harry Bernard, Sr., is not a fan of calculus.

Forehead of the Week: The Aldeans of Aldea have incredible lives. Their computers do everything for them, they are hidden from the rest of the galaxy, they get to spend their time doing whatever they want, and they have absolutely no children to bother them. Aldeans have the greatest culture in Star Trek history.

Memorable Quote: “Things are only impossible until they’re not.” – Picard, being profound.

IMAGE: STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION. COPYRIGHT CBS PARAMOUNT STUDIOS.

This is the second episode of Star Trek in a row to offer an intriguing plot. A first for TNG.

Plot: Admiral Mark Jameson has been tapped to deal with a hostage situation on Mordan IV. He dealt with the governor there, Karnas, during a similar hostage situation 45 years ago. It turns out Jameson had gotten up to some Iran–Contra style arms-for-hostages shenanigans the last time around, and Karnas wants revenge.

Character Development: In this episode, we learn that 24th century sensibilities have trained the crew of the Enterprise to refrain from commenting on the molten-like state of Jameson’s skin. Only as he de-ages and begins to look human again does anyone complain.

Forehead of the Week: “Too Short a Season” largely revolves around the political problems of a species known as the Mordanite. They look, dress, and act exactly like humans.

Memorable Quote: “I’m fit! I’m fitter than you are Picard and I’m getting younger!” – Mark Jameson, raising hope that he and Picard may awkwardly grapple.

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On this week’s episode, we get an inside look at a mad pimp’s holiday. As a bonus, this episode marks the first signs that TNG might be a decent series.

Plot: The Enterprise is in for some maintenance and upgrades. Most of the crew leaves to play made up games that require diving suits, but Riker decides to stay on board to watch over the aliens working on the ship’s computers. Leaving Wes Crusher to do the actual supervising, the Commander ends up on the holodeck, stretching his jazz skills. It’s here that he becomes entranced by holodeck character Minuet.

Character Development: This Riker-heavy episode reveals that the man isn’t even into womanizing for the sex, he just loves the thrill of flirting. He does this by grinning devilishly and speaking in calm, confident tones. Fascinating.

Forehead of the Week: The purple-headed Bynars take this supreme honour. They are a species interconnected with a main computer that keeps them organized in pairs. They hijack the Enterprise to back up their computer when it is in danger to keep their species going. Apparently, the Enterprise’s computer is the only one the galaxy awesome enough to do this.

Memorable Quote: “If winning is not important, then Commander, why keep score?” – Worf, unleashing some profundity on Riker.

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On this week’s episode of Star Trek, issues of gender are awkwardly discussed. Much of the action takes place on a planet called “Angel I” (above) which happens to look an awful lot like many other alien planets visited in Star Trek history.

Plot: The Enterprise crew has deduced that a Federation freighter that was lost seven years ago may have had survivors who managed to escape to the planet Angel I. It turns out Angel I is inhabited by an intelligent, female-dominated, species, whose members happen to look exactly like humans, except the dudes tend to be shorter and less hairy. As the episode develops, we learn that the women of Angel I are still vulnerable to sexist writers looking to prove that women just want strong, hairy men like Riker.

Character Development: In “Angel One,” we learn nothing about our favourite characters as they all act exactly as expected. Wesley Crusher is a moron, Captain Picard is married to his job, Worf sneezes loudly, and Riker’s got a way with the ladies.

Forehead of the Week: I’m going to go with the less obvious choice, and award this title to the mystery virus which infects much of the crew in this episode before a last minute treatment is discovered by Dr. Crusher. Its first victim was Wesley Crusher, who seemingly got it from a holodeck ski trip. How that is possible, or why the phenomena was not studied further, I have no idea.

Memorable Quote: “Engage.” – Riker, after a sore-throated Picard was unable to say it. See, it’s a joke.

IMAGE: STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION. COPYRIGHT CBS PARAMOUNT STUDIOS.

On this week’s episode of Star Trek, Data discovers he has a brother. As it should happen, he’s a total dick.

Plot: Picard decides he’d like to check out Data’s mysterious home planet, Omicron Theta. It contained a human colony that was entirely wiped out except for Data, or so everyone thought. The power of Geordi’s visor leads the crew to discover a secret lab hidden on the planet which contains another Soong-type android. His name’s Lore, and man is he evil! Once reassembled, he tries to hand the Enterprise crew over to the life-sucking Crystalline Entity which is what actually destroyed Omicron Theta.

Character Development: In this episode, the Enterprise crew acts as though they’ve never asked Data about his origins or studied the history of his home planet. This conveniently allows them to ask Data about these subjects, enabling the audience to be informed along the way. It turns out the colonists who died around Data transferred their memories to him. Suddenly, Data starts remembering things. Most of the memories must have been pretty meaningless though, as he stops remembering as soon as the episode ends.

Forehead of the Week: The Crystalline Entity which Lore is so fond of is a wonderfully complex evil space crystal that eats life. It can travel at warp speeds and apparently has the ability to reward androids for doing its bidding.

Memorable Quote: “Shut up, Wesley!” – Picard, silencing the person trying to save him from the really obvious ploy by the bad guy.

IMAGE: STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION. COPYRIGHT CBS PARAMOUNT STUDIOS.

As is the case with so many first season TNG episodes, a brilliant concept is introduced and then completely mishandled.

Plot: Captain Picard decides to try out this new thing called the holodeck he’s been hearing about. Always eager to display how boring he is, Picard opts not to check out anything erotic, or even interesting, but instead chooses to take on the role of Dixon Hill, a film noir style detective. To no one’s surprise, some alien technology causes the holodeck to malfunction, trapping Picard and several others in the fictional world.

Character Development: I’m going to bend the rules a little and discuss the holodeck itself here. Early in “The Big Goodbye,” Picard is kissed by a holographic woman. When he leaves the holodeck, he caries with him the lipstick she left on his face which is later physically removed. It must therefore be assumed that makeup is replicated for use by holodeck characters. The episode concludes with some of Dixon’s enemies disappearing as they step out of the holodeck (obviously, they are “photons and forcefields”). Their clothes, stomach contents, and anything else they may be carrying disappear at the same time. It is therefore clear that the holodeck possess extreme artificial intelligence, capable of deciphering which materials to replicate, and which to project, in order to best suit the needs of the plots of both its own programs, and the TV series in which it is featured.

Forehead of the Week: This goes to the Jarada. The insect-like aliens put so much stress on Captain Picard through their demands that he speak to them perfectly in their own language without use of universal translator that he chose to escape to the holodeck for some relaxation.

Memorable Quote: “Hiya Doc. What’s cookin’?” – Data, providing minor amusement in an episode that should have been significantly funnier.

IMAGE: STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION. COPYRIGHT CBS PARAMOUNT STUDIOS.

On this week’s episode of Star Trek, Deanna Troi’s childhood marriage arrangement catches up with her. Hijinks ensue.

Plot: The Enterprise is heading for the planet of Haven, renowned for both its maxin’ and relaxin’. On the way, Deanna recieves a transporter room surprise in the form of a talking metallic box which informs her it’s time for the arranged marriage of her childhood she was hoping to avoid.

In addition to Deanna’s husband to be (promising human doctor Wyatt Miller) and his parents, Deanna’s mother Lwaxana Troi also beams aboard the Enterprise. She’s wacky comedic relief! She hits on Picard, she hits on Riker, and everyone has a great time, myself especially. I laughed uproariously while watching this episode alone in my basement of solitude.

Character Development: Deanna and Riker’s relationship is as confusing as ever. He’s jealous of her upcoming marriage, and there’s certainly something going on between the two, but they aren’t anywhere near a proper couple, either. Considering how “single” Riker acts around other women, you’d think he’d be cool with Deanna seeing other guys, but he’s not. That’s bullshit.

Forehead of the Week: That goes to the multi-talented Mr. Homn, Lwaxana’s attendant. He’s at least seven feet tall, drinks like a Klingon, can out-lift Captain Picard, and has only spoken once.

Memorable Quote: “Bill.” – Deanna, refering to Riker. She is apparently close enough to Riker to know his secret nickname (you know, the one that’s not Will or Number One).

Image: Star Trek: The Next Generation. Copyright CBS Paramount Studios.

On this week’s episode of Star Trek, Q is back and he’s here to provide the crew with another meaningless challenge to overcome.

Plot: Q interrupts an important rescue mission the Enterprise is on so that he can figure out what would happen if he gave Riker the powers of the Q. What follows is a bunch of dicking around on a desert planet, some talking, and absolutely nothing of consequence. Deanna Troi is missing from this episode, and neither crew nor audience cares.

Character Development: Q-ed up Riker offers to grant each member of the regular cast a gift. This involves turning Wesley into a model from a men’s wear catalog, giving Geordi eyesight, and throwing Worf a rambunctious Klingon female. Of course, each crew person rejects his or her gift, citing the desire to be as boring as possible.

Forehead of the Week: The pig-like humanoid aliens dressed as 18th century French military uniforms that Q uses as props get the title this week. The show’s writers couldn’t even be bothered to name them, but they deserve more than that.

Memorable Quote: “Macro head with a micro brain.” – Q, slamming Worf with a witty quip about the size of his noggin.

Image: Star Trek: The Next Generation. Copyright CBS Paramount Studios.

If you’re wondering where “Justice,” the episode between last week’s “Lonely Among Us” and this week’s “The Battle” is, I already wrote about it. It’s right here.

On this week’s Star Trek episode, those wily Ferengi are up to something yet again.

Plot: The Enterprise meets up with a Ferengi ship that has brought a strange gift: the old Federation ship Stargazer. This was Picard’s old ship, one which he lost in a fight with an unknown vessel, but not before destroying his adversary. In this episode, it is revealed that it was the Ferengi which Picard had encountered, and a family member of one of those who died aboard it is carrying a serious grudge. DaiMon Bok has brought with him a “thought maker” to control Picard and enact revenge.

Character Development In this episode, we discover that Jean-Luc Picard is a brilliant tactician, one capable of devising a ship maneuver worthy of carrying his own name. The mighty Picard Maneuver was his key to winning the Battle of Maxia. It involved blasting toward his opponent at warp 9 in order to make it appear as though there were two copies of his ship at once, thanks to the rate at which light travels. This is different than the other, more famous Picard Maneuver, which involves straightening your shirt on an awkwardly frequent basis.

Forehead of the Week: Since this is a Ferengi episode and I’ve already covered them, I’m going to give Picard’s forehead the honour (and what a forehead it is!). In “The Battle,” we learn that headaches are truly rare in the 24th century, but poor Picard has to suffer through one of them this entire episode.

Memorable Quote:“You’re welcome, ladies… heh. Adults.” – Wesley Crusher, ruining Star Trek.

Image: Star Trek: The Next Generation. Copyright CBS Paramount Studios.

On this week’s particularly surreal episode of Star Trek, the Enterprise crew must contend with delegates from rival alien races, as well as a marauding energy force that’s taking over key members of the crew.

Plot: The episode begins with Picard, Riker, and Yar welcoming members of the reptilian Selay race to the Enterprise, but things are off to a rocky start when the Selay demand to be moved to quarters upwind from their furry rivals, the Anticans. Both races are seeking entrance to the Federation, and have agreed to try to overcome their differences by meeting on planet Parliament for some… parliament or something, which is where the Enterprise is supposed to be taking them.

Character Development: This episode begins what will become a key piece of Data’s character, his obsession with Sherlock Holmes. Picard suggests to Data that his investigation into what is causing problems on the Enterprise makes him a “private eye” like Holmes. Logically, the android begins smoking a pipe and throwing out well-worn Sherlock Holmes references wherever possible.

Forehead of the Week: This is a close call between the Selay and Anticans, but I have to give it to the Anticans, simply because the episode ends with Yar complaining that one of the Enterprise’s cooks has been asked to boil some rather Selay-looking reptile. The rivalry between the Selay and Anticans is treated with amusing disregard by the Enterprise crew, who typically consider the murder of delegates aboard their ship as something more serious than comic relief.

Memorable Quote: “It’s elementary, my dear Riker… sir.” – Data, mid-LARPing session.

Image: Star Trek: The Next Generation. Copyright CBS Paramount Studios.

On this week’s Star Trek Episode, the Enterprise is flung all over the universe by a mysterious new friend of Wesley’s.

Plot: The Enterprise brings aboard propulsion specialist Kosinski and his assistant who claim they can increase the ship’s engine efficiency, but Riker and one of engineering’s revolving team of chiefs are skeptical. It turns out Kosinski is an incompetent fake, but his assistant, “The Traveler” is some kind of space wizard who can fling ships all over the place using the power of positive thinking.

Character Development: During one of the Enterprise’s jaunts, crew member thoughts become reality. In one such instance, Yar’s memory takes her back to the halcyon days of her youth, when she would evade rape gangs with her cat. At this point, it is still unclear whether “rape gangs” is Tasha’s only character trait, although it appears increasingly likely.

Forehead of the Week: This episode introduces us to “The Traveler,” a three-fingered humanoid of Tau Alpha C. In addition to his passion for commandeering ships so that he can warp around the universe using the power of his mind, this man enjoys befriending young persons with engineering talents. He notices such talent in Wesley “Boy Wonder” Crusher, and pushes Picard to encourage the chief of sweater-wearing in this regard. In response, Picard promotes Crusher to acting ensign, ensuring we will be subjected to Wes’ antics for some time to come.

Memorable Quote: “Have the boy sent to the bridge, number one.” – Captain Picard, about to make the biggest mistake of his life.

Image: Star Trek: The Next Generation. Copyright CBS Paramount Studios.

This week’s Star Trek Episode is “The Last Outpost” in which the Ferengi are introduced as a bunch of half-witted gibbering apes. Last week’s episode was “Encounter at Farpoint.” If you’re wondering where “The Naked Now” and “Code of Honor” are since I’m supposedly covering these things in order, I already wrote about them, here and here.

Plot: During the Enterprise’s pursuit of a vessel believed to be carrying stolen Federation property manned by the yet-to-be-encountered Ferengi, both ships become stranded above an unexplored planet. Both crews suspect the others for their troubles, and things come close to blows before away teams from both ships discover that their problems are being caused by an outpost established by an ancient space empire on the nearby planet.

Character Development: In this episode, Data encounters a foe beyond even his mental capabilities, the mighty Chinese finger trap. The fact that he is playing with one during a briefing with Captain Picard, and that he cannot solve it despite his supposedly vast knowledge of physics, indicates that the android still has things to learn when the lessons conveniently mirror concurrent events.

Forehead of the Week: This episode introduces an alien race which has been a Star Trek staple ever since, the Ferengi. A great amount of time is allotted to building up the Ferengi as menacing enemies before they are even shown. Eventually, a Ferengi’s giant face is seen on the view screen of the Enterprise, where his grotesque features and sharp teeth look imposing. Later, once the Enterprise crew encounters the Ferengi in the flesh, they learn that they are greedy and incompetent. The Ferengi run around grunting and screaming, flailing their arms around like monkeys, and generally act as non-threatening as possible.

Memorable Quote: “Merde.” – Captain Picard speaking French because the writers were already out of ideas to use the French aspect of his character.

Image: Star Trek: The Next Generation. Copyright CBS Paramount Studios.

Welcome back to the no-longer-on-hiatus Star Trek Episode of the Week. I plan on slamming through every episode of Next Generation from beginning to end. That means that this week, I will be covering the series’ debut, “Encounter at Farpoint.”

Plot: On its way to check out Farpoint Station, a potential trading partner for the Federation, the Enterprise runs into a giant psychedelic chain link fence. The crew does its best to demonstrate the capabilities of the Enterprise to the TV audience, but simply cannot escape this threat.

It turns out a being of incredible power, Q, is behind the antics. He wants to put humanity on trial for being a “grievously savage race.” Picard eventually talks him into testing that claim by allowing the Enterprise to continue on its mission to Farpoint and reviewing the findings.

Character Development: This episode introduces us to the new crew of the all new Star Trek: The Next Generation. We discover that:

• Data is an android who has graduated from the academy and achieved the rank of Lieutenant Commander, yet behaves like he’s never been around humans before.
• Geordi’s eyes don’t work, but he has a visor that gives him special visual powers.
• Riker has already nailed Troi, and may soon be moving on to the other women checking him out.
• Picard is a hard-ass who hates children, his crew, and pretty much everyone else.
• Wesley Crusher is an annoying twat.
• Worf is a Klingon and behaves like one.
• Tasha Yar is without interesting character traits that can be developed in further episodes.

Forehead of the Week: That’s got to be the Bandi of Deneb IV. This species is primarily known for its abuse of giant space jellyfish for fun and profit. They are very similar to humans in appearance, although they tend toward long, scraggly hair and miserable facial expressions.

Memorable Quote: “Let’s hope they find you as tasty as they did their past associates.” – Picard, discussing the dangers of the Ferengi. Apparently Quark has an appetite for more than just Latinum.

Plot: In “Distant Origin,” two members of an alien species known as the Voth try to prove a genetic connection with the humans of Voyager. It quickly becomes evident that this is entirely real, but their theory is controversial in their society. Eventually, the Voth scientists must retract their claims, despite overwhelming evidence and a stirring speech from Chakotay. The iron will of religious fervor triumphs.

Character Development: This episode features precious little, even relative to most Voyager episodes. Chakotay briefly plays wife-swap with some aliens where he reminds us that he is an historian.

Forehead of the Week: This episode prominently features the Voth, a so called “saurian” species of aliens originally evolved from the Hadrosaur dinosaur. Their ancestors left Earth to escape the mass-extinction-causing meteor strike which wiped out the rest of the dinosaurs.

Memorable Quote: “Was it beautiful?” – long lost Earthling Forra Gegen, foolishly deluding himself about the quality of his home planet.

Plot: “Rise” begins with Voyager attempting to protect an alien planet from a swarm of asteroids with a mysterious origin. Tuvok and Neelix are sent down to the planet along with a contingent of locals to help rescue a scientist who might have some answers. Neelix is wary of the trip, concerned that he’ll be unable to win the affection of his estranged lover, Tuvok.

Thanks to some hard work and good fortune, our heroes are once again able to save the day. It is ultimately discovered that the asteroid shower was part of an invasion tactic by the Etanian, another alien race which engineers natural disasters to drive away enemies and invade their planets.

Character Development: Even aliens want what they can’t have, and that’s certainly true for Neelix. With his romance with Kes dwindling, Neelix has decided to start things up with Tuvok again, hoping to impress him by taking on more productive tasks and standing up to the Vulcan’s harsh sarcasm.

Forehead of the Week: That would be the Nezu, who couldn’t seem to figure out that the asteroids bombarding their planet were artificial without Voyager’s help, even though the fake rocks were easily opened and contained obvious mechanical parts.

Memorable Quote: “I’ve been assigned to Lieutenant Tuvok’s team, and no matter what I do, I can’t seem to please him.” – Neelix, expressing concern at his inability to fellate the stern Vulcan satisfactorily.

Plot: In this episode, Kes, the USS Voyager’s least interesting resident, finds her mind taken over by Tieran, an alien who has managed to transfer his consciousness from one being to another as a means of survival while on a centuries long quest to restore himself as ruler of his home planet. Kes battles Tieran within her mind, and is ultimately able to weaken him enough to give the valiant crew of Voyager the opportunity to rescue her.

Character Development: Kes expresses frustration with Neelix that can’t be entirely explained by the insane cabbage-headed alien living inside her brain. The incident is left unresolved, a rarity for Voyager, and the audience is given hope that their insipidly dull relationship may be coming to a close.

Forehead of the Week: That clearly goes to the Ilari, the six-nostrilled cabbage heads whose political drama conveniently occupies the crew of Voyager, passing the time for another week. Aside from physical appearance, they are, strangely enough, exactly like humans.

Memorable Quote: “I love plants, flowers, anything that grows. Some of the times I felt most content were those spent watching the seedlings grow in the airponics… ” – Kes, still being boring as shit, even when her brain is occupied by an evil alien

Plot: The episode begins with The Doctor reporting to Janeway and Chakotay that he has been unable to find a cure for their mysterious illness. He suspects the Vidiians could help, but contacting them would be too dangerous. Due to some plot convenience, Janeway and Chakotay will be unable to return to the ship, and must instead stay on the planet on which they were originally infected.

From there, “Resolutions” unfolds precisely as anyone familiar with episodic television can immediately guess. Tuvok is put in charge under strict orders not to contact the Vidiians, he follows those orders and the rest of the crew gets unruly because of it, Tuvok eventually contacts the dangerous aliens anyway, they are easily able to help, and order is restored by the end of the episode.

Character Development: In an act of pure fan-wank, Chakotay and Janeway spend a lot of time together getting awfully cozy during their little camping trip. Janeway wants to find a cure and get back to Voyager, Chakotay wants to settle down and start banging.

Forehead of the Week: That would have to be the mysterious alien creature that Chakotay and Janeway befriend when they are marooned. The creature is referred to as a primate, and looks, strangely enough, exactly like one of Earth’s spider monkeys. That such a creature could evolve independently of Earth, and yet be so much like one of Earth’s species, is a true marvel of science.

Memorable Quote: “…I can tell you a story, an ancient legend among my people.” – Chakotay, doing his best to put the audience to sleep

Plot: This episode flips between Janeway slowly coming to the sad realization that her ancestor, Shannon O’Donnell, was not an astronaut, did not work on any Mars missions, and was a mere consultant on the Millennium Gate, and the tale of the real Shannon O’Donnell, who was, in fact, just as boring as Janeway discovers her to be.

Character Development: In this episode, we learn that Janeway is a fraud of a scientist and researcher. Despite having lived a cushy Federation life, with unimaginable amounts of information easily available, she has never been bothered to do any serious research into the family history which inspired her career. She also believes that the Great Wall of China was one of the few man-made objects on Earth visible from space prior to the 22nd century, an absolute myth.

Forehead of the Week: Since there are no new real aliens introduced in this episode, I’m going to go with Janeway’s doppelganger ancestor, Shannon O’Donnell. In this episode, the crew of Voyager, along with the viewing audience, is subjected to the dull tale of O’Donnell, a consultant on a building project. Her only noteworthy characteristic is her predatory sexual nature toward geriatrics.

Memorable Quote: There aren’t any.

Plot: Faced with a neutronic wavefront, the crew of Voyager are forced to bide their time in a dull recreation of a 19th century Irish village named Fair Haven until the storm passes. Instead of allowing her crew to enjoy the endless possibilities of the holodeck, Janeway feels it would be better to keep just the one program running, and force everyone to play along with her sick fetish for Irish holograms.

In this episode, Janeway meets a bartender in Fair Haven, and quickly falls for him. As their relationship develops, Janeway finds numerous small flaws with her new fake man, and modifies him to her liking. In other words, she makes him as dull as possible.

Eventually, the netronic wavefront causes Chakotay to need all the ship’s power to be redirected to the deflector emitters, and much of the Fair Haven program is lost as a result. Janeway’s man is saved, but the captain uses the events as an excuse to stop seeing him so much, and to stop modifying him.

Character Development: In this episode, we see yet more proof of Janeway’s stunning dullness. Instead of creating an 8-dicked-pleasure-monster, she spends all her time with a bartender/poet.

Forehead of the Week: Since there aren’t really any new aliens in this episode, I’m going to have to give it to Voyager’s holodecks. At one point, Janeway has Paris expand the program to use an additional holodeck, and yet there were no obvious limitations when only a single holodeck was used. How do those things work?

Memorable Quote: “Delete the wife.” – Janeway, not treating all holograms equally.

Plot: Doctor Beverly Crusher attends her grandmother’s funeral on Caldos II, a planet which hosts a human colony of make-believe Scots. It’s here that Crusher encounters her grandmother’s young-looking lover, the anaphasic lifeform Ronin who lives in a candle. Ronin attempts to upgrade to Beverly now that her grandmother is dead, and succeeds for a time by giving her wild, writhing orgasms. Eventually, Ronin enters the body of Crusher’s dead grandmother in a desperate means of fighting off Data and Geordi, and this finally ends Crusher’s interest in him.

Character Development: In this episode, we learn that Beverly Crusher had a grandmother living on one very strange human colony. None of this is of any relevance to her as a character more broadly.

Forehead of the Week: That would obviously go to Ronin’s unnamed species, the anaphasic lifeform. Apparently these creatures have lived among humanity since at least 1647. Their power is incredible, they are able to inhabit creatures and objects, and leech off old ladies for decades.

Memorable Quote: “McFly.” – One of the gravestones on Caldos II, a great Back to the Future reference.

Plot: This is a Phlox heavy episode in which the good doctor wrestles with both his ravenous desire for inter-species copulation and carefully considered philosophies regarding cultural contamination, although he seems unaware of the irony of his conflicting view points on the two issues.

In Dear Doctor, Phlox and Crewman Elizabeth Cutler reveal their attraction to one another, with Cutler unphased by Phlox already having several wives. The episode concludes with the two heading for a date. Sadly, Cutler could have been a fun minor character in the show, but she disappeared when the actor playing the character, Kellie Waymire, died.

In addition to Phlox chasing human tail, he also has to deal with creating a cure for the genetic illness of an under-developed alien culture. He ultimately decides that, of the two humanoid species living on a planet, only the healthy one should live, and that he won’t give out the cure he’s developed for the other, sickly species. I guess they should have used their bootstraps better.

Character Development: This episode reveals that Phlox is one serious player.

Forehead of the Week: That honour has to go to the Valakians, who did nothing wrong and only sought the help of more “advanced” cultures. It was eventually decided by the advanced culture they found that the Valakians deserved to die because they had a genetic disorder, even though a cure was available.

Memorable Quote: “It’s mating season, so you know how that goes.” – Dr. Jeremy Lucas, living with horny Denobulans.

Image: Star Trek: The Next Generation. Copyright CBS Paramount Studios.

This week’s Star Trek episode is mined from that seemingly bottomless pit of hilarity, season 1 TNG.

Plot: This episode begins with Riker reporting back from an away mission to the newly discovered planet Rubicun III. He describes the planet as beautiful and inhabited by extremely human-like aliens. Dr. Crusher suggests shore leave on the planet for the crew, and Geordi is especially excited about the idea, noting that the inhabitants have a special fondness for others. In other words, Geordi thinks he might have a shot at getting laid. Things quickly fall apart once the crew goes down, however, when Mr. Liability himself, Wesley Crusher, falls into a garden, crushing some plants, and winding up with a death sentence. Picard dicks around with some energy being which is the local god, and eventually beams Wesley up despite the prime directive.

Character Development: In this episode, we learn that Worf is made uncomfortable by the sexual advances of those who cannot handle the harsh reality of Klingon mating rituals.

Forehead of the Week: Aside from being one of my favourite fast food joints, Edo is also the name for the humanoid race which populate Rubicun III. They are a bunch of free-spirited sex-lovers who protect their way of life by dishing out executions with enthusiasm.

Memorable Quote: “They certainly are… fit.” – Riker, describing the Edo, in typical Riker fashion.

Image: Star Trek: The Next Generation. Copyright CBS Paramount Studios.

This week’s Star Trek Episode is another first season TNG classic, The Naked Now, in which we learn that, yes, Data is fully functional.

Plot: The episode begins with the Enterprise encountering a mysterious ship full of frozen people, with signs that a “wild party” had taken place aboard. After they return from investigating this ship, the away team begins exhibiting strange behaviour, and soon spread a dangerous intoxication throughout the crew. Soon, everyone is acting crazy, in a fashion not dissimilar to drunkenness. Tash Yar decides to bang Data, who is somehow also infected, Crusher and Picard start flirting, and Wesley Crusher decides to take over the ship from engineering. Eventually, Doctor Crusher figures out that the intoxication affected the old Enterprise crew as well, and uses the same antidote they used to fix everybody up. Somehow, his mother is robbed of any recognition, and Wesley Crusher is named the hero of the episode.

Character Development: In this episode, we see the beginning of Yar’s startling sexual appetite.

Forehead of the Week: There aren’t really any new aliens in this episode, so I’m going to name the strange intoxicant which spread throughout the crew. What the hell is it? How is so little of it able to affect so many? Since Crusher only created an antidote, shouldn’t every new visitor to the ship be affected by the minimal amount of residue kicking around?

Memorable Quote: “And, henceforth, a dessert course shall precede and follow every meal, including breakfast.” – Wesley Crusher, in his role as acting captain.

Image: Star Trek: The Next Generation. Copyright CBS Paramount Studios.

This week’s Star Trek Episode is that first season TNG classic Code of Honor, in which the crew encounters a group of racially stereotyped African “aliens.”

Plot: The Enterprise visits Ligon II, the only source of a vaccine needed to cure a plague on a Federation planet. Negotiations break down with Ligon leader Lutan when he kidnaps Tasha Yar, who he is impressed by. Lutan decides he would like to make Yar his primary wife, and so his current main wife challenges Yar to a fight to the death. Yar wins their battle, and the two are immediately beamed to the Enterprise where the wife is revived. Lutan gets out of his marriage because his wife technically died, everybody gets married to somebody else, and they all live happily ever after. Or something.

Character Development: In this episode, Tasha Yar is shown to be both a strong warrior, capable of battling a deadly racist stereotype, and an open minded sexual being who admits to an attraction to her kidnapper.

Forehead of the Week: The Ligonians are the real stars of this episode, their lives as ridiculous stereotypes has been described as having a “1940s [view of] tribal Africa” by one disgusted TNG writer. The episode was not initially planned to be such a racist clusterfuck, but the director decided to make all of the Ligonians black, a decision for which he was fired by Roddenberry during production of the episode.

Memorable Quote: “That is from an obscure language known as French. Counting coup…” – Data, explaining why his supposedly French Captain has an English accent.

Plot: Deep within the Delta quadrant, the Caretaker’s Array grabs Voyager and the Maquis ship Val Jean, lifting them out of the interesting DS9 plotline, and thrusting them into their own, much more absurd, much worse written story. The episode concludes with Janeway forced to decide whether to save herself and her crew from a 70-year trek back to the Alpha Quadrant and allow the Caretaker’s Array to fall into the hands of a species totally irrelevant in the larger scheme of galactic politics, the Kazon, or to blow up the Array and make herself feel like a good person. She chooses the latter.

Character Development: In the span of a few days, the crews of Voyager and Val Jean go from being sworn enemies to trusting allies. This is helped, in part, by Tom Paris of Voyager saving the life of Val Jean’s captain, dedicated Maquis member Chakotay. Paris repeatedly calls Chakotay, a man of Native American descent, an “Indian” during this rescue, because, apparently, even the 24th century has its problems with political incorrectness. Chakotay seems to forgive Paris for his racist remarks, and a new friendship is born.

Forehead of the Week: There are a number of new species featured in this episode, including the Kazon, Ocampa, and Talaxians. I have to give this episode to the Talaxians, and their poster-child, Neelix. This whisker-endowed rainbow coloured force for comedy relief tricks Janeway into rescuing his “love,” Kes, and still manages charm his way into becoming a regular member of the cast.

Memorable Quote: “Do you always fly at women at warp speed, Mr. Paris?” “Only when they’re in visual range.” – Stadi and Tom Paris. This dialogue established Paris as the Kirk/Riker of Voyager.