 March 2nd, 2010 by Newbs -
This week’s Star Trek episode is “11:59,” Voyager’s fifth season tribute to sleep.
Plot: This episode flips between Janeway slowly coming to the sad realization that her ancestor, Shannon O’Donnell, was not an astronaut, did not work on any Mars missions, and was a mere consultant on the Millennium Gate, and the tale of the real Shannon O’Donnell, who was, in fact, just as boring as Janeway discovers her to be.
Character Development: In this episode, we learn that Janeway is a fraud of a scientist and researcher. Despite having lived a cushy Federation life, with unimaginable amounts of information easily available, she has never been bothered to do any serious research into the family history which inspired her career. She also believes that the Great Wall of China was one of the few man-made objects on Earth visible from space prior to the 22nd century, an absolute myth.
Forehead of the Week: Since there are no new real aliens introduced in this episode, I’m going to go with Janeway’s doppelganger ancestor, Shannon O’Donnell. In this episode, the crew of Voyager, along with the viewing audience, is subjected to the dull tale of O’Donnell, a consultant on a building project. Her only noteworthy characteristic is her predatory sexual nature toward geriatrics.
Memorable Quote: There aren’t any.
February 23rd, 2010 by Newbs -
This week’s Star Trek episode is “Fair Haven,” that 6th season Voyager classic in which Janeway bangs a very boring hologram.
Plot: Faced with a neutronic wavefront, the crew of Voyager are forced to bide their time in a dull recreation of a 19th century Irish village named Fair Haven until the storm passes. Instead of allowing her crew to enjoy the endless possibilities of the holodeck, Janeway feels it would be better to keep just the one program running, and force everyone to play along with her sick fetish for Irish holograms.
In this episode, Janeway meets a bartender in Fair Haven, and quickly falls for him. As their relationship develops, Janeway finds numerous small flaws with her new fake man, and modifies him to her liking. In other words, she makes him as dull as possible.
Eventually, the netronic wavefront causes Chakotay to need all the ship’s power to be redirected to the deflector emitters, and much of the Fair Haven program is lost as a result. Janeway’s man is saved, but the captain uses the events as an excuse to stop seeing him so much, and to stop modifying him.
Character Development: In this episode, we see yet more proof of Janeway’s stunning dullness. Instead of creating an 8-dicked-pleasure-monster, she spends all her time with a bartender/poet.
Forehead of the Week: Since there aren’t really any new aliens in this episode, I’m going to have to give it to Voyager’s holodecks. At one point, Janeway has Paris expand the program to use an additional holodeck, and yet there were no obvious limitations when only a single holodeck was used. How do those things work?
Memorable Quote: “Delete the wife.” – Janeway, not treating all holograms equally.
February 16th, 2010 by Newbs -
This week’s Star Trek episode comes from the idea-bankrupt seventh season of TNG.
Plot: Doctor Beverly Crusher attends her grandmother’s funeral on Caldos II, a planet which hosts a human colony of make-believe Scots. It’s here that Crusher encounters her grandmother’s young-looking lover, the anaphasic lifeform Ronin who lives in a candle. Ronin attempts to upgrade to Beverly now that her grandmother is dead, and succeeds for a time by giving her wild, writhing orgasms. Eventually, Ronin enters the body of Crusher’s dead grandmother in a desperate means of fighting off Data and Geordi, and this finally ends Crusher’s interest in him.
Character Development: In this episode, we learn that Beverly Crusher had a grandmother living on one very strange human colony. None of this is of any relevance to her as a character more broadly.
Forehead of the Week: That would obviously go to Ronin’s unnamed species, the anaphasic lifeform. Apparently these creatures have lived among humanity since at least 1647. Their power is incredible, they are able to inhabit creatures and objects, and leech off old ladies for decades.
Memorable Quote: “McFly.” – One of the gravestones on Caldos II, a great Back to the Future reference.
February 9th, 2010 by Newbs -
This week’s Star Trek episode comes from the often maligned first season of Enterprise.
Plot: This is a Phlox heavy episode in which the good doctor wrestles with both his ravenous desire for inter-species copulation and carefully considered philosophies regarding cultural contamination, although he seems unaware of the irony of his conflicting view points on the two issues.
In Dear Doctor, Phlox and Crewman Elizabeth Cutler reveal their attraction to one another, with Cutler unphased by Phlox already having several wives. The episode concludes with the two heading for a date. Sadly, Cutler could have been a fun minor character in the show, but she disappeared when the actor playing the character, Kellie Waymire, died.
In addition to Phlox chasing human tail, he also has to deal with creating a cure for the genetic illness of an under-developed alien culture. He ultimately decides that, of the two humanoid species living on a planet, only the healthy one should live, and that he won’t give out the cure he’s developed for the other, sickly species. I guess they should have used their bootstraps better.
Character Development: This episode reveals that Phlox is one serious player.
Forehead of the Week: That honour has to go to the Valakians, who did nothing wrong and only sought the help of more “advanced” cultures. It was eventually decided by the advanced culture they found that the Valakians deserved to die because they had a genetic disorder, even though a cure was available.
Memorable Quote: “It’s mating season, so you know how that goes.” – Dr. Jeremy Lucas, living with horny Denobulans.
February 2nd, 2010 by Newbs -
This week’s Star Trek episode is mined from that seemingly bottomless pit of hilarity, season 1 TNG.
Plot: This episode begins with Riker reporting back from an away mission to the newly discovered planet Rubicun III. He describes the planet as beautiful and inhabited by extremely human-like aliens. Dr. Crusher suggests shore leave on the planet for the crew, and Geordi is especially excited about the idea, noting that the inhabitants have a special fondness for others. In other words, Geordi thinks he might have a shot at getting laid. Things quickly fall apart once the crew goes down, however, when Mr. Liability himself, Wesley Crusher, falls into a garden, crushing some plants, and winding up with a death sentence. Picard dicks around with some energy being which is the local god, and eventually beams Wesley up despite the prime directive.
Character Development: In this episode, we learn that Worf is made uncomfortable by the sexual advances of those who cannot handle the harsh reality of Klingon mating rituals.
Forehead of the Week: Aside from being one of my favourite fast food joints, Edo is also the name for the humanoid race which populate Rubicun III. They are a bunch of free-spirited sex-lovers who protect their way of life by dishing out executions with enthusiasm.
Memorable Quote: “They certainly are… fit.” – Riker, describing the Edo, in typical Riker fashion.
January 26th, 2010 by Newbs -
This week’s Star Trek Episode is another first season TNG classic, The Naked Now, in which we learn that, yes, Data is fully functional.
Plot: The episode begins with the Enterprise encountering a mysterious ship full of frozen people, with signs that a “wild party” had taken place aboard. After they return from investigating this ship, the away team begins exhibiting strange behaviour, and soon spread a dangerous intoxication throughout the crew. Soon, everyone is acting crazy, in a fashion not dissimilar to drunkenness. Tash Yar decides to bang Data, who is somehow also infected, Crusher and Picard start flirting, and Wesley Crusher decides to take over the ship from engineering. Eventually, Doctor Crusher figures out that the intoxication affected the old Enterprise crew as well, and uses the same antidote they used to fix everybody up. Somehow, his mother is robbed of any recognition, and Wesley Crusher is named the hero of the episode.
Character Development: In this episode, we see the beginning of Yar’s startling sexual appetite.
Forehead of the Week: There aren’t really any new aliens in this episode, so I’m going to name the strange intoxicant which spread throughout the crew. What the hell is it? How is so little of it able to affect so many? Since Crusher only created an antidote, shouldn’t every new visitor to the ship be affected by the minimal amount of residue kicking around?
Memorable Quote: “And, henceforth, a dessert course shall precede and follow every meal, including breakfast.” – Wesley Crusher, in his role as acting captain.
January 19th, 2010 by Newbs -
This week’s Star Trek Episode is that first season TNG classic Code of Honor, in which the crew encounters a group of racially stereotyped African “aliens.”
Plot: The Enterprise visits Ligon II, the only source of a vaccine needed to cure a plague on a Federation planet. Negotiations break down with Ligon leader Lutan when he kidnaps Tasha Yar, who he is impressed by. Lutan decides he would like to make Yar his primary wife, and so his current main wife challenges Yar to a fight to the death. Yar wins their battle, and the two are immediately beamed to the Enterprise where the wife is revived. Lutan gets out of his marriage because his wife technically died, everybody gets married to somebody else, and they all live happily ever after. Or something.
Character Development: In this episode, Tasha Yar is shown to be both a strong warrior, capable of battling a deadly racist stereotype, and an open minded sexual being who admits to an attraction to her kidnapper.
Forehead of the Week: The Ligonians are the real stars of this episode, their lives as ridiculous stereotypes has been described as having a “1940s [view of] tribal Africa” by one disgusted TNG writer. The episode was not initially planned to be such a racist clusterfuck, but the director decided to make all of the Ligonians black, a decision for which he was fired by Roddenberry during production of the episode.
Memorable Quote: “That is from an obscure language known as French. Counting coup…” – Data, explaining why his supposedly French Captain has an English accent.
January 12th, 2010 by Newbs -
Welcome to the new Shufflingdead feature “Star Trek Episode of the Week.” I thought I’d kick off this new feature with a classic, the two-part Voyager premier called “Caretaker,” in which it is revealed that Voyager will be an awful series.
Plot: Deep within the Delta quadrant, the Caretaker’s Array grabs Voyager and the Maquis ship Val Jean, lifting them out of the interesting DS9 plotline, and thrusting them into their own, much more absurd, much worse written story. The episode concludes with Janeway forced to decide whether to save herself and her crew from a 70-year trek back to the Alpha Quadrant and allow the Caretaker’s Array to fall into the hands of a species totally irrelevant in the larger scheme of galactic politics, the Kazon, or to blow up the Array and make herself feel like a good person. She chooses the latter.
Character Development: In the span of a few days, the crews of Voyager and Val Jean go from being sworn enemies to trusting allies. This is helped, in part, by Tom Paris of Voyager saving the life of Val Jean’s captain, dedicated Maquis member Chakotay. Paris repeatedly calls Chakotay, a man of Native American descent, an “Indian” during this rescue, because, apparently, even the 24th century has its problems with political incorrectness. Chakotay seems to forgive Paris for his racist remarks, and a new friendship is born.
Forehead of the Week: There are a number of new species featured in this episode, including the Kazon, Ocampa, and Talaxians. I have to give this episode to the Talaxians, and their poster-child, Neelix. This whisker-endowed rainbow coloured force for comedy relief tricks Janeway into rescuing his “love,” Kes, and still manages charm his way into becoming a regular member of the cast.
Memorable Quote: “Do you always fly at women at warp speed, Mr. Paris?” “Only when they’re in visual range.” – Stadi and Tom Paris. This dialogue established Paris as the Kirk/Riker of Voyager.
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