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Shameful Human of the Week: Bruce Jamar Walston

This week’s Shameful Human is Staunton, Virginia resident Bruce Jamar Walston. The 21-year-old has been charged with misdemeanor animal cruelty and disorderly conduct following his murder of a kitten that temporarily interrupted his video gaming.

I’m not generally considered a lover of animals. In fact, I’ve singled-out cats in particular as having an overbearing and unpleasant presence on the internet, but I have to call out this particular mad cat swinger.

It seems Mr. Walston picked up his girlfriend’s kitten and hurled it against a wall after it disconnected his video game. Oh yeah, and in front of the woman’s kids, no less. Bruce’s lady friend called 911 following the incident.

Now, I’ve experienced problems not disimilair from Walston’s, and to an extent, I can understand his frustration. Perhaps he was on the verge of completing one of Mario Galaxy‘s 100-coin challenges, or worse, in the midst of battle with the boss of Final Fantasy VI‘s Fanatic’s Tower. That latter scenario can take perhaps an hour, and there are no save points available throughout the ordeal. Having said that, no gaming interuption warrants more than a controller-throwdown, or, at worst, a cartridge hammering.

Two-first-names Walston has a history of violence, having been charged earlier in the year for breaking down a door and beating two people. One with a vacuum sweeper.

I have no choice but to deem Bruce Jamar Walston Shameful Human of the Week.


Shameful Human(s) of the Week: Every single person responsible for Sex and the City 2

This week contains not just one, but rather a whole host of Shameful Humans. It’s the team of people so bereft of self respect that they were willing to work on the production of Sex and the City 2. The airbrushed Frankensteinian monster known as Carrie and her crew of entitlement queens are heading to the dessert of Abu Dhabi to battle the harsh conservatism of Islam.

As I have yet to personally experience the atrocity that is this film, and since the review community has had that duty forced upon them, I will rely on their commentary to explain the sinister nature of the movie.

Allow me to begin with Lindy West‘s master work, “Burkas and Birkins.” She ironically describes the movie’s conclusion as “sexism’s funeral,” in which the robed women of Abu Dhabi remove their veils and reveal “the same hideous, disposable, criminally expensive shreds of cloth and feathers that hang from Carrie et al.’s emaciated goblin shoulders.” Apparently, to the writers of Sex and the City, feminism was never about true equality, merely the right to egregiously waste money on fashion.

Not to be outdone, Mr. Roger Ebert has also trashed the film. He begins by bluntly stating “some of these people make my skin crawl,” and goes onto describe the movie’s visual style as “arthritic.”

Other highlights from Rotten Tomatoes’ 14%-positive collection of reviews include MaryAnn Johanson exclaiming “Thank Jimmy Choo for feminism! Am I right, ladies?” and Jeff Vice whining “On behalf of all sane and sensitive Americans, let me be one of the first to apologize to the Middle East and the Arab world for Sex and the City 2.”

There seems to be no doubt that Sex and the City 2 is a painfully unnecessary film which lacks respect for its audience, other cultures, and even the entire female population of Earth. The people who made this movie are truly shameful humans.

Shameful Human of the Week: Michael Bay

News that Michael Bay has seen to it that Megan Fox will not be joining his latest suck reel, Transformers 3, has given me an idea. The plan is this: make Michael Bay this week’s Shameful Human.

Allow me to discuss for a moment how it was that Ms. Fox ended up in Transformers in the first place. Bay had her wash his Ferrari while he rolled film. Think about that for a moment, Bay had Fox wash his fucking car, presumably in a sexy manner, while he taped her. And then he gave her a job. No other qualification, besides her ability to appear attractive while servicing his vehicle, was needed to give her a role in what was already ensured to be a massively successful film. Since that time, Fox hasn’t found much to say about Bay with any positivity, maxing out her kindness by comparing him to Hitler.

If Megan Fox’s word isn’t enough to convince you of Michael Bay’s level of horrendous-ness, and really, it shouldn’t be, then I recommend finding some means of viewing Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and counting up each instance of the following: dogs humping, robots humping, scrotum, racism, drug humour, Republican propaganda, and wooden acting. Then remind yourself that Bay directed and produced the film.

I would roughly describe Transformers 2 as an instantaneous orgasm for sadomasochists. The film was torturous for critics, of whom only 20% reviewed it positively, and yet, the movie grossed over $800 million. The mass audience has been duped by Bay into viewing his abominations, and the grossly sexist man wallows in their cash. Bay truly is a Shameful Human.

Shameful Human of the Week: Steve Jobs

We’ve been making good fun of Steve Jobs for awhile now, and since the rest of the internet has finally caught up and realized that Dr. Turtleneck is one power-drunk bastard, I thought it was about time to crown Mr. Jobs Shameful Human of the Week.

Let’s review. Jobs doesn’t care that you want porn on your iPhone, and sarcasticly suggests you get an Android for that. Jobs dares lead his company against Nintendo. Jobs can’t take bland jokes about his products from Ellen. Jobs has some kind of insane grudge against Flash and won’t let you use it on his portable products. If you get your hands on an unreleased Apple product, somebody at Apple will see to it police raid your house. Oh yeah, and Apple employees can’t talk to other Apple employees about upcoming products. Even when that other employee co-founded the company and did all the work.

Did I mention that iPods come with painful-as-fuck ear buds that Jobs tries to up-sell you replacements of? Or that nobody needs any of the overpriced iPhones or iPads the company produces?

Steve Jobs is a truly Shameful guy. And if you want to know more, check out his life’s story of controlling nuttery in the movie they made about him.

Shameful Human(s) of the Week: The Last Halo 2 Players

Back on April 15, Microsoft finally gave up their futile attempt at winning last generation’s console war when they ended access to XBox Live service for the original XBox. Their effort was not unlike the Nazis during their last days, fighting on in Berlin, long after the people who didn’t use slave labour had won.

A handful of die-hards, unwilling to admit their giant black shame machines were as useless as hair gel to a bald space marine, have continued to play, refusing to exit their Halo 2 games. As such, and for as long as they can manage to stay in game, Master Chief lives.

This depressing group of refuse worshipers has dwindled since their mission began. The clingers were down to 12 a week ago, and that number is likely even lower now. XBoxes are not the most stable machines, and over time the stalwart’s systems have frozen or become disconnected, preventing them from ever getting in game again.

Microsoft, in an apparent attempt at apologizing for making a product with a built-in end-of-life date, has said the they will issue beta codes for Halo: Reach to these last few lost souls. That should come as little solace to the group, considering they would still have to buy the “new” game once it comes out in order to continue playing the one they don’t want to let go of now.


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