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Shameful Human of the Week: Whoever wrote the “Intro” story for Sonic the Hedgehog 4

February 8, 2010 Shameful Human No Comments

This week’s Shameful Human works behind the protective veil of anonymity, he or she is whoever wrote the “Intro” story for Sonic the Hedgehog 4 on the game’s official site. The events of the early, slightly better, Sonic games is lovingly recapped by this person in a series awkwardly written, comma-abusing paragraphs. Allow me to begin by analyzing one such paragraph.

Their reunion is short lived however, as Eggman resurfaces and begins kidnapping Sonic friends again, in an effort to create more workers to finish his ultimate Weapon – The Death Egg! Teaming up with the newly met, Miles ‘Tails’ Prower, Sonic embarks on a new mission through West Side Island in an effort to free his friends and ensure Eggman does not obtain the 7 Chaos emeralds to fuel the Death Egg.

I see run-on sentences everywhere! It doesn’t help that the tone of the piece echoes that of your typical, confused, adolescent Sonic fan-fic writer, either. I want to focus in on one error in particular though, about half-way through this little chunk of mangled English. It’s the gem “Teaming up with the newly met, Miles ‘Tails’ Prower, Sonic embarks on a new mission…” You see, the problem is that when you insert a little aside mid-sentence like that, the sentence still has to make sense with the aside taken out. What the writer is implying is that Sonic is embarking on a new mission with his newly met self.

It would be giving SEGA too much credit to think that this entire butcher-job was done on purpose to parody the rough translations found in early video games. I have to single out whatever unqualified moron wrote this shit, or pasted the original Japanese into Babel Fish and used whatever was spit out, because it’s clear that person has incredible luck, and I deserve to be massively jealous of it. I want to murder the English language in a cushy writing job for a company that no longer cares and in which no one can be bothered to review my work.

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Shameful Human of the Week: Rex Fowler

February 1, 2010 Shameful Human 1 Comment

Alert the internet: crazed Scientologist (allegedly) kills his business partner.

This week’s Shameful Human is Rex Fowler, he’s a Scientologist from Adams County, Colorado, and he’s been charged with murdering his former business partner, Thomas Ciancio. The two ended their working relationship in November when Ciancio quit over Fowler taking $200 000 of their company’s money without permission and giving it to what his arrest warrant affidavit describes as “a church or some type of charity.” Ciancio was killed when he returned to his former workplace to receive a severance payment of $9 900.

The case against Mr. Fowler appears solid. The murder weapon used was purchased by his son, who listed his address as 1413 L. Ron Hubbard Way, Los Angeles when it was bought. His wife, Janet Fowler, also attempted to cover up evidence in the case by trying to reclaim a mysterious briefcase belonging to her husband confiscated by police. She claimed “It is important to me, my church, and it is religious material and I want it now!”

Further demonstrating the total madness which Scientology followers suffer from, Janet Fowler told police “Even if you looked at it and read it, you would not understand anything in it… because it is way above a normal person and you would not know what it meant.” That sounds to me, an amateur Scientology critic, like the briefcase contained scripture intended only for those who had paid their way to a high level within the church.

Rex Fowler is most assuredly a Shameful Human, he took money from his business and used it to support the Church of Scientology without his partner’s permission, and is likely also a murderer. Still, I can’t help feel a little bad for the guy and his family. They have obviously been fully suckered into the church’s wacky belief system, and now must suffer the consequences of what their cult/religion has led them to do.

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Shameful Human of the Week: Uwe “Raging” Boll

January 25, 2010 Shameful Human 2 Comments

This week’s Shameful Human is none other than infamous film director Doctor Uwe “Raging” Boll. Although he has truly been a shameful human for many years now, due to his stunningly awful video game films, Dr. Boll earns the title this week for taking on games journalist micro-celebrity Chris Kohler of Wired.com in a flurry of wild emails.

Chris recently wrote of the US premiere of Boll’s long awaited Postal film, and apparently Uwe didn’t appreciate what the avid retro game collector had to say. Uwe Boll, who, considering his writing skills, ironically holds a doctorate in literature, had this to say in response:

chris
your review shows me only that you dont understand anything about movies and that you are a untalented wanna bee filmmaker with no balls and no understanding what POSTAL is. you dont see courage because you are nothing. and no go to your mum and fuck her… because she cooks for you now since 30 years ..so she deserves it.
people like you are the reason that independent movies have no chance anymore.
uwe boll
PS: POSTAL is R RATED . The MPAA understood the satire — you not — you dumb fuck

Following that initial outburst, a series of bizarre emails were traded between Kholer, Boll, and Boll’s publicist. Apparently, Boll has nothing better to do than fight the internet itself, but then again, his willingness to box a bunch of ill-prepared scrawny nerds several years ago who dared give his movies poor reviews already proved that.


… Continue Reading

Shameful Human of the Week: Pat Robertson

January 18, 2010 Shameful Human No Comments

Pat Robertson, the controversial voice for Christian conservatives whose name I will forever confuse with Robert Pattinson’s is this week’s Shameful Human.

Robertson claimed on his program The 700 Club last week that Haiti’s recent earthquake, which has caused the deaths of tens of thousands, was the result of a deal made with the Devil to secure the nation’s independence from the French.

You see, the catalyst of the Haitian slave revolt of 1791 was a Voodoo ceremony in which animals were sacrificed, and as we all know, for Robertson-style Christians, the religions of others are a quick stroll from Devil worship.

Interestingly, Robertson neglected the historical context of his claim that I have provided, which probably left his viewers scrambling to fill in the holes for themselves. Like maybe he’s saying that those pesky black people should have known their place and stayed the slaves of the great Christian white man. For Robertson, I guess it’s better to be the slave of a Christian than free and without Christianity.

Robertson followed up his insane claim with the statement “they need to have and we need to pray for them a great turning to God,” expressing his hope to capitalize on tragedy by spreading his particular brand of wingnut to the people of Haiti.

Even if Robertson did not intend there to be any racist subtext in his remarks, he still implied that all of this suffering is actually the fault (no pun intended) of the victims of this natural disaster, rather than the shifting of tectonic plates. That is a remarkable, even stunningly ignorant misrepresentation of reality which can only serve to further harm Haitians.

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Shameful Human of the Week: Antoine Seux

January 11, 2010 Shameful Human 1 Comment

Another week, another Wii hater. This week’s Shameful Human is Antoine Seux, director general for Capcom France, who, just like EA’s Alain Tascan and SEGA’s Constantine Hantzopoulos, hates the Wii.

Seux told French blog Gamekult that “the customer of [the Wii] has turned into something [of a] much broader audience. It is a disappointment… for us, Capcom, the future is the PlayStation 3 and the Xbox 360.” Seux also complained of the weak sales of Darkside Chronicles as compared to Resident Evil 4 on Wii.

Mr. Seux is really going to do this to me? He’s going to make me go on this goddamn 3rd party Wii rant again? Well, alright. Here it is Mr. Seux: RE4 sold because it was already known to be a great game, and the audience was excited to see it made even better with Wii controls. Darkside Chronicles didn’t sell because it was a follow-up to Umbrella Chronicles which had a lukewarm reception from those who played it and only sold because the Wii hadn’t been flooded with rail-shooters yet.

Do you seriously not get how this works, Tony? You make a good game, and people will buy it. They are not interested in your various Capcom “tests,” they want proper, mainline entries in your biggest franchises with real effort put into their development. RE5 would have surely sold spectacularly on Wii, considering how well RE4 did and how well liked it was, but you didn’t make it for Wii. You made it for your buddies 360 and PS3. AAA caliber remakes of RE2 and RE3 using the control scheme of Resident Evil 4 Wii would probably also do extremely well.

Instead of whining about the Wii audience getting too “broad,” perhaps Mr. Seux and Capcom should consider making quality games for that broad audience instead of shitting out half-assed spin-offs.

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