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An Open Letter to Natalie Portman

February 2, 2011 Open Letter No Comments

Image: Adapted from Natalie Portman by Josh Jensen under a CC-BY-SA license.

Dear Natalie Portman,

First off, you’re fucking Queen Amidala. Do you even realize how awesome that is? Queen “I gave birth to Darth Vader’s children” Amidala. Queen “I’m friends with Jar Jar Binks” Amidala. Queen “I fall for pick up lines involving sand” Amidala.

I was really hoping you could say something insulting about George Lucas, just between us. That would be hilarious. What’s in his neck pouch?

I frequently discuss on my website how terrible your fake English accent is, I hope you don’t mind. It was bad enough in V for Vendetta, but at least that was a watchable movie. On the other Bantha foot, The Other Boleyn Girl was one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, and it was just as bad there. Please, just stop.

I previously asked Scarlett Johansson to pass the message regarding your accent on to you, but you’ve got Your Highness coming out, so I don’t think you got it. Since it’s a comedy, maybe it’s part of the joke though.

Do you ever look at Photoshopped pictures of yourself on the internet? Yeah, I don’t recommend doing that.

I don’t like sand,
Newbs


Character Profile: Kirby

Image: Kirby Super Star Ultra. Nintendo.

Source: Kirby is the legendary pink… thing of the games which carry his name.

Vital Statistics: Kirby is a mere 8 inches tall, yet appears to be roughly the same height as other Nintendo mascots in Super Smash Bros., including the human and humanoid ones. He has also been described as “a living pink marshmallow,” but that might not be canon. In conclusion, he is pink. The rest is up for debate.

Something Disturbing: Although gamers across the internet never seem to get enough of the sexual and/or grotesque implications of Kirby’s giant mouth-body, Wikipedia tells me some Kirby material has implied that he is fairly young. I recommend we continue to ignore these hints for the purpose of comedy.

Fury Factor: Kirby’s own games are generally quite easy, with some not even allowing him/you to die. Having said that, I’ve seen Kirby box significantly above his punch class (or whatever sports analogy I am trying to make) in Super Smash Bros. As such, I award Kirby a fury factor of 2300.01.



What you just read: In the Summer of 2006 I started up a feature called “Prehistoric Organism of the Week” with the intention of MS-Painting dinosaurs for amusement. I then abandoned that feature a couple months later and started up “Game Character Q&A of the Week” so that I could make sexual innuendos about Tetris pieces. This lasted all of two entries. In September of 2009 I rebranded “Prehistoric Organism of the Week” as “Creature of the Week” so that I could MS-Paint Pok√©mon. Now, in early 2011, I’ve decided to pull all of these things together into the feature you just read, simply called “Character Profile of the Week.” All of this is to say we don’t know what we’re doing here at ShufflingDead, but we ask that you just roll with it.

Magic Card: Traumatize

January 31, 2011 Magic No Comments

Image: Copyright Wizards of the Coast.

One of the most devastating mill cards I’ve ever encountered, Traumatize is this week’s Magic Card of the Week.

Traumatize takes five mana to cast, but is well worth the cost. The best way to make sure your opponent can’t cast his spells against you is to make sure he never has the opportunity to draw them in the first place.

Dropping a traumatize will hand out a serious beatdown to your rival’s spell cache, severely limiting his ability to bring the fight back your way.

It’s also a must-have for anyone trying to ‘deck’ their enemies. Waving goodbye to half their spells will aid you greatly in embarrassing your opponent by defeating him without even having to dirty your hands by dealing a single damage.


Star Trek Episode: Hide and Q

Image: Star Trek: The Next Generation. Copyright CBS Paramount Studios.

On this week’s episode of Star Trek, Q is back and he’s here to provide the crew with another meaningless challenge to overcome.

Plot: Q interrupts an important rescue mission the Enterprise is on so that he can figure out what would happen if he gave Riker the powers of the Q. What follows is a bunch of dicking around on a desert planet, some talking, and absolutely nothing of consequence. Deanna Troi is missing from this episode, and neither crew nor audience cares.

Character Development: Q-ed up Riker offers to grant each member of the regular cast a gift. This involves turning Wesley into a model from a men’s wear catalog, giving Geordi eyesight, and throwing Worf a rambunctious Klingon female. Of course, each crew person rejects his or her gift, citing the desire to be as boring as possible.

Forehead of the Week: The pig-like humanoid aliens dressed as 18th century French military uniforms that Q uses as props get the title this week. The show’s writers couldn’t even be bothered to name them, but they deserve more than that.

Memorable Quote: “Macro head with a micro brain.” – Q, slamming Worf with a witty quip about the size of his noggin.

Magic Card: Wrath of God

January 24, 2011 Magic No Comments

Image: Copyright Wizards of the Coast.

The Nerd Olympics is just weeks away, and that means it’s time for obsessive Legacy deck tweaking. That can get pricy, but money is no object when honour is on the line.

If you’ve been around the game long enough and not been an an embarrassingly cheap player for that entire time, you probably already have a play-set of Wraths.

If you’re me, then you still don’t have a single copy of the card, despite really really needing it to win the most important Magic tournament in the history of price-inflated pieces of cardboard.

Wrath of God is a 4-mana board clearer that has been around since the first edition of Richard Garfield’s game. It is widely regarded as the definitive sweeper and has defined meta-games since the beginning.

Time to pony up.


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