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Star Trek Episode of the Week: Datalore

February 20, 2011 Star Trek Episode No Comments

IMAGE: STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION. COPYRIGHT CBS PARAMOUNT STUDIOS.

On this week’s episode of Star Trek, Data discovers he has a brother. As it should happen, he’s a total dick.

Plot: Picard decides he’d like to check out Data’s mysterious home planet, Omicron Theta. It contained a human colony that was entirely wiped out except for Data, or so everyone thought. The power of Geordi’s visor leads the crew to discover a secret lab hidden on the planet which contains another Soong-type android. His name’s Lore, and man is he evil! Once reassembled, he tries to hand the Enterprise crew over to the life-sucking Crystalline Entity which is what actually destroyed Omicron Theta.

Character Development: In this episode, the Enterprise crew acts as though they’ve never asked Data about his origins or studied the history of his home planet. This conveniently allows them to ask Data about these subjects, enabling the audience to be informed along the way. It turns out the colonists who died around Data transferred their memories to him. Suddenly, Data starts remembering things. Most of the memories must have been pretty meaningless though, as he stops remembering as soon as the episode ends.

Forehead of the Week: The Crystalline Entity which Lore is so fond of is a wonderfully complex evil space crystal that eats life. It can travel at warp speeds and apparently has the ability to reward androids for doing its bidding.

Memorable Quote: “Shut up, Wesley!” – Picard, silencing the person trying to save him from the really obvious ploy by the bad guy.

Magic Card of the Week: Vampire Nighthawk

February 14, 2011 Magic No Comments

IMAGE: COPYRIGHT WIZARDS OF THE COAST.

With the legendary competition of Nerd Olympics just days away, players are frantically scouring lands far and wide searching for that one missing card to their otherwise perfect deck. Keeping that in mind, this week’s Magic Card is a useful creature for rounding out any deck bent on continuing the yearly tradition of my disappointment in this tournament.

Vampire Nighthawk comes into play for a mere three mana, a price more than worth it. For a 2/3 flying creature, the cost is pretty standard. But WotC pulled out all the stops for this prick, and awarded him the Deathtouch and Lifelink abilities as well, making him a force to be reckoned with.

He can fly over your opponent’s defenses to bleed him dry, and use the lifelink to recharge your own health in the process. Or if need be, he can use Deathtouch to personally drop almost any creature threatening your magical self.

Either way, throw a couple of Vampire Nighthawks into your bullshit black or sparkly vampire deck and experience the overpoweredness for yourself. Hell, splash black into your all-white soldier deck, this guy is worth it.


Star Trek Episode of the Week: The Big Goodbye

February 13, 2011 Star Trek Episode No Comments

IMAGE: STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION. COPYRIGHT CBS PARAMOUNT STUDIOS.

As is the case with so many first season TNG episodes, a brilliant concept is introduced and then completely mishandled.

Plot: Captain Picard decides to try out this new thing called the holodeck he’s been hearing about. Always eager to display how boring he is, Picard opts not to check out anything erotic, or even interesting, but instead chooses to take on the role of Dixon Hill, a film noir style detective. To no one’s surprise, some alien technology causes the holodeck to malfunction, trapping Picard and several others in the fictional world.

Character Development: I’m going to bend the rules a little and discuss the holodeck itself here. Early in “The Big Goodbye,” Picard is kissed by a holographic woman. When he leaves the holodeck, he caries with him the lipstick she left on his face which is later physically removed. It must therefore be assumed that makeup is replicated for use by holodeck characters. The episode concludes with some of Dixon’s enemies disappearing as they step out of the holodeck (obviously, they are “photons and forcefields”). Their clothes, stomach contents, and anything else they may be carrying disappear at the same time. It is therefore clear that the holodeck possess extreme artificial intelligence, capable of deciphering which materials to replicate, and which to project, in order to best suit the needs of the plots of both its own programs, and the TV series in which it is featured.

Forehead of the Week: This goes to the Jarada. The insect-like aliens put so much stress on Captain Picard through their demands that he speak to them perfectly in their own language without use of universal translator that he chose to escape to the holodeck for some relaxation.

Memorable Quote: “Hiya Doc. What’s cookin’?” – Data, providing minor amusement in an episode that should have been significantly funnier.

Shameful Human(s) of the Week: Fox News

February 10, 2011 Shameful Human 1 Comment

Image: News Corporation.

Of course, the employees of Fox News could take turns being Shameful Human from here on out and it would be entirely justified, but that would be too easy. That granted, I’ve got a link to a Fox News exposé on the horrors of video games that’s given me special motivation to berate the organization this week. It’s right here. Be sure to make a wanking motion the entire time you’re reading that. Let’s do a quick run through of the issues with this piece.

The title is “Is Bulletstorm the Worst Video Game in the World?” Oh I get it, you can imply ridiculous things to your readers without being entirely libelous by posing leading questions. I need to take notes for my website dedicated to mockery and trolling. “Fair and balanced” is so ironic a slogan that I actually have to keep my brain from flipping into “I’m reading parody” mode when consuming Fox material.

Clinical psychologist Dr. Jerry Weichman says “if a younger kid experiences Bulletstorm‘s explicit language and violence, the damage could be significant.” Well, I suppose children can be affected by viewing violence, but Bulletstorm is M rated. If 9-year-olds are playing the game, I suspect it is as a result of poor parenting… no wait, I’m wrong. According to psychiatrist Carole Lieberman, ESRB ratings aren’t enforced. That’s funny, because I’ve personally seen EB employees refuse to sell to kids, and they are apparently better enforced than movie ratings. Baselessly attacking movies must not be worth as many scare points for Fox’s old and angry audience.

Lieberman wasn’t done making shit up in her above quote. She also claims “the increase in rapes can be attributed in large part to the playing out of [sexual] scenes in video games.” I wonder when all those dating sims I’ve played will kick in and I’ll go on a raping frenzy.

Alright, final ridiculous quote. “Video game publishers traditionally stay glib about the issue of violence.” This statement is followed up by an explanation of all the “no comments” game companies gave to Fox. In other words, I don’t think glib means what Fox News thinks it means.

Character Profile: RoboCop

Image: RoboCop. Orion Pictures.

Detroit mayor Dave Bing is looking for ways to improve his city’s image. One Twitter user suggested erecting a statue of RoboCop, similar to the Rocky statue in Philadelphia. Sadly, they mayor turned the idea down. In order to convince Bing of what a great idea this really is, I will be honouring RoboCop in this week’s character profile.

Source: Detroit policeman Alex J. Murphy was rebuilt as the cyborg OCP Crime Prevention Unit 001, or RoboCop, after he was murdered by a criminal gang.

Vital Statistics: RoboCop carries a 9mm handgun which he holsters in his leg. He can remove his left hand and replace it with a “weapon arm” which includes a machine gun, flamethrower, and missile launcher. It is with these weapons that RoboCop protects the good people of Detroit from the criminals in their city.

Something Disturbing: There is nothing disturbing whatsoever about RoboCop. He is a glistening example of lawfulness and integrity, and erecting a statue in his image is the least Detroit can do to honour his brave efforts.

Fury Factor: Remember that time I said he could replace his hand with a missile launcher? Yeah. Also defeated ED-209 by tricking it into attempting to descend a set of stairs. Fury factor: 2700.


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