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Open Letter of the Week: Alexis Bledel

July 23, 2006 Open Letter No Comments



Dear Alexis Bledel,

Oh Alexis, first I became most addicted to your show Gilmore girls, and then I saw you in the vastly awesome Sin City. As if all that wasn’t enough, I recently discovered that you even have a bit part in my all time second favourite movie, Rushmore.

Of course it’s only partly your work that makes you so hot; it’s mostly that shy voice and sweet sweet body of yours. Since Evanescence’s Amy Lee never responded to my request to wear glasses and let me cum on her face, I must ask of you a similar favour. I saw in a quick little amateur porn clip a while ago a guy railing this chick from behind and while doing so, she kind of gets up and raps her arms around his neck, bending her back in a pretty miraculous fashion. I was just curious if you might like to try such an exercise with me?

Yours Truly,
Newbs

Open Letter of the Week: William Shatner

January 25, 2005 Open Letter 1 Comment

Dear William Shatner,

Bill Shatner, you’re the goddamn man. It was just this Christmas that I laid my hands and ears upon your brand new CD, Has Been. It’s actually the first CD I have ever owned. I think it’s a remarkable product, your cover of the song “Common People” makes me jump up and down in a movement vaguely resembling dancing, I usually sing along while doing so also.

It’s not just the CD though, Will, you are on TV a good ten times a day. If it’s not a rerun of an old Star Trek episodes or a movie, then it’s an award show or an ad for Priceline, All-Bran or some other company. Actually, on the topic of All-Bran, I have to heartily thank you for making me aware of this product. I eat a bowl every day, and seeing you staring up at me from the box as I pass it by makes me remember “eat your bran, fuck face!” My all time favourite of your TV endeavors is that Star Trek episode of Futurama. Man, that shit is great.

Willy, would you be interested in being interviewed by shufflingdead.com?

Thank You Billiam,
Newbs

Open Letter of the Week: Amy Lee

July 15, 2004 Open Letter No Comments

Dear Amy Lee,

I am still in love with Jewel, but I would say you come in a close second. Have you met her? Or considered lesbian relations with her? You should look into it, because that’d be pretty hot.

Well anyway, I recently saw you perform live, and though most of the performance involved me getting bashed in the head by crowd surfers, I did catch a few glimpses of your impeccable self. You have crazy black hair, which I have a fetish for, you also wear cool clothes and give off that bohemian vibe that makes me have unclean thoughts.

Have you ever considered getting thick rimmed glasses? Sometimes I watch porn where the guy jizzes on the girls glasses and it looks like good times. Want to try?

Sincerely,
Newbs

Open Letter of the Week: Jewel

Dear Jewel,

Long have I lingered upon this planet called Earth. I have seen an infinite number of pictures of Britney Spears and every other young female singer but they all make shitty music, and have had plastic surgery. I have seen more porn than god, stalked more girls than I care to count, but they all pale in comparison to you. I don’t even know why. No, no wait I do know.

It’s because you seem to have really nice tits, and really smooth skin. Your girly music makes me feel warm and sad inside at the same time. Except for your new CD, which I pretend doesn’t exist.

Oh Jewel, will you marry me or at least be my eternal sex slave?

Love,
Newbs

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