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Open Letter of the Week: Lewis Black

August 28, 2006 Open Letter No Comments

Dear Lewis Black,

You’re loud, you’re angry, you’re political, and you’re crazy. All this together makes for an heroic package. I don’t know much about your work besides your “Back in Black” segment on The Daily Show, but that’s all I really need.

Your ranting is brilliance. I have ranted often, commonly about my hatred for humanity, especially in reference to females and also males. Still, my ranting never seems to reach the same fever pitch as your ranting, and it is rarely so poignant or funny.

I know you have a part in the new movie “Accepted,” and your presence makes me want to see the movie, even though I would have absolutely no interest otherwise.

Angrily yours,

Open Letter of the Week: Jeri Ryan

August 20, 2006 Open Letter No Comments

Dear Jeri Ryan,

You played Seven of Nine in Star Trek: Voyager. The role was preposterous, you had to wear the most absurdly tight costume of all time and yet act like you were dressed at about the same level of business casual as everybody else.

In my opinion, the costume was so over the top, it would have been far hotter if you had worn the proper Starfleet uniform. This actually ties into a fantasy I’ve been kicking around that I thought you might be curious to hear. It directly involves me, role playing a strong and perpetually angry Starfleet captain, disciplining a shy, confused ensign. This would of course escalate into a wild sexual romp, where I teach the ensign how to, as Cartman would say, “respect my authority.” This doesn’t necessarily involve you of course; I just thought you might be interested to hear about it.

Anyway, I just wanted to see how you were doing. I know you got divorced awhile ago, must be tough. I myself have never been divorced, I’m not married either. Actually, I’ve been pretty single most of my life. Have you ever considered hooking up with a Trekkie? Not necessarily me, again, but you know, like a big raging nerd. I think that would really give hope to us all.

Efficiently yours,

Open Letter of the Week: Perrin Kaplan

August 13, 2006 Open Letter 1 Comment

Dear Perrin Kaplan,

You may be wondering why I’m writing to you. You assume I only write to hot musician chicks and glorious old guys. Well, the thing is, I kind of consider you a hot chick. I know, I know, you’re too old for me, and you probably have some kind of family. Well, the thing is, you have an important job at Nintendo, and that’s pretty goddamn arousing. I should also point out that you have a very decent rack, a feature I value highly.

I think your roundabout PR-speak filled answers to IGN’s “Nintendo Minute” questions are hilarious, because in the obsessive Nintendo fanboy life that I lead, they seem like campy “haha, oh Perrin” moments. I also enjoy your strange and often flirty relationship with IGN’s Matt Casamassina. Just don’t get too close or I may become jealous.

I was wondering, would it be possible for you and Reggie Fils-Aime to come by my place some time? I’m thinking we could hang out, play some Mario Kart, maybe go bowling. Afterwards we could talk about giving me total control of Nintendo so that I may lead the company to unimaginable profit and success. If you’re looking for somewhere to crash afterwards, there’s plenty of room at my place.

Waiting for all the answers you’ve promised closer to launch,

Open Letter of the Week: Richard Attenborough

August 6, 2006 Open Letter No Comments

Dear Richard Attenborough,

To put it simply, you’re a living legend. My first encounter with your work was Jurassic Park, the film instantly became my favourite film as a kid, and your portrayal of John Hammond was the linchpin for my infatuation.

I have long considered John Hammond to be my idol, and, if medical science fails me and dooms me to aging, I hope to adopt the Hammond persona in my old age. Most vital to this would be the white clothes, the beard, and especially the cane.

I have seen some of your other work as well, Mr. Attenborough. Your appearance in the remake of Miracle on 34th Street automatically made it a superior film to the original. I should also mention, I thought you were great in The Great Escape.

Spared No Expense,

Open Letter of the Week: Kevin Smith

July 30, 2006 Open Letter No Comments

Dear Kevin Smith,

You play Silent Bob, who is said to be the character of Jay’s “hetero life-mate.” Well Kevin, you are my hetero film director hero. Long have I marveled at your ability to make Clerks, perhaps one of the best movies ever, on such a tiny budget. I have enjoyed all of your movies that I’ve seen (I haven’t seen Jersey Girl) and I have liked them all. This is particularly true of Clerks II, which I think has quickly become my second favourite Kevin Smith film, behind only Clerks itself. I also find Clerks: The Animated Series to be straight up awesome.

Sometimes I see guys who, whether intentionally or not, look a hell of a lot like Silent Bob. Does this scare the hell out of you or what, especially considering how much you look like him as it is? I mean, I think it’d be awesome if my readers started dressing like me and worshipping me, and for awhile I bet even stalkers would be fun. Still, I can imagine that getting old after awhile, and if everybody dressed like me it just wouldn’t be the Newbs’ style anymore.


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