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Open Letter of the Week: Felicia Day

July 21, 2009 Open Letter No Comments


Dear Felicia Day,

We need to talk. Something’s been bothering me lately, but let me start out by expressing how utterly I lust for and worship you. You’ve popped up in all manner of bizarre and awesome places. You star in the greatest commercial of all time, you’re in the astounding Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog, and you sang “Still Alive” at PAX. For reference, I’ve included videos of all these things after the jump. All of these appearances have inspired in me a deep and enduring urge to fornicate with you.

Here’s the problem Felicia, I’ve been following you on Twitter along with several other celebrities like Wil Wheaton and Grant from MythBusters, but you just can’t compete. The other celebrity Twitterers always come up with interesting things to say, but with you, it seems like it’s always marketing for whatever you’re working on now. I’m sorry, but I’m just not interested in your new show or your visit to Comic-Con. I don’t have time for all of this, you’re smothering me!

Wishing you were sitting in a theatre beside me,
Newbs


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Open Letter of the Week: Samus Aran

July 14, 2009 Open Letter 1 Comment


Dear Samus as Depicted by REIQ,

Samus, I’ve been staring at you in this particular piece of artwork for many years, and so has much of the internet. It’s just that you are so preposterously busty in this image that I am mesmerized. Shapely doesn’t begin to describe your rack in this picture.

When I take the improbable leap of looking away from your chest for just a moment, though, I see evidence that you have escaped the bonds of gravity and even the human need for atmosphere. Could it be, Samus, that this portrait is a delusion of fantasy and not true to your experiences as a bounty hunter?

I was also wondering, since it comes up in this image as well as places in your games, where does that pistol of yours come from when you bust out of your suit? Is it just sitting in your arm cannon, waiting for the moment that your suit flies off, so that you can immediately start blasting space pirates?

Please Samus, come visit me in your Zero Suit as soon as possible so that we may clear up these issues.

Grapple Beam me any time,
Newbs

Open Letter of the Week: Shigeru Miyamoto

September 19, 2006 Open Letter No Comments


Dear Shigeru Miyamoto,

Look, I know I should be doing a lot of figurative fellatio right now, but there’s no time, so you’re just going to have to imagine I’m telling you what a great guy you are.

There’s something much more important at stake right now, that being Link’s handedness. He’s left handed, like me, like you. He’s been left handed ever since you had to flip his sprite in the original Legend of Zelda, and he should stay that way.

I can see you in this picture holding that sword in your left hand, just like our mutual friend Link, and I know that you really wish you could make the Wii version of Twilight Princess continue the Zelda series’ proud tradition of left handed propaganda. And I understand that you’re under a tight deadline, but please, just stop sleeping, hire some more people, and give us the option of choosing Link’s handedness. Don’t make me buy both versions of Twilight Princess just to reassure myself that Link really is left handed.

I have the same favourite movie as you,
Newbs

Open Letter of the Week: Link

September 10, 2006 Open Letter No Comments


Dear Link,

I was wondering whether or not I should write you an open letter or do a Q&A with you, when I remembered that you don’t exactly talk (other than to ask the princess for the occasional kiss), so I’m going with the letter.

Link, it seems that I’m always saying to various celebrities and fictional characters things like “you’re awesome,” “you’re the fucking man,” etc. Well, you are all of those things too, but I would say I have an even greater homoerotic connection with you. You see, I’ve been playing Zelda games religiously since I was a kid, and I can’t help but share in some of your glory. I wish I could run through fields with epic music blaring and whip out my sword when a Stalfos jumps out at me.

I guess I might as well ask you while I’ve got the chance, but what is it with you and chicks? You run around trying to save that cunt Zelda, even though she never puts out. You get to fuck the hottest chick of all time, Malon, and you don’t even care. You even banged Princess Ruto, a Zora, a goddamn fish woman. Seriously dude, what was her vag like? I just, I just can’t fathom your sex life.

I’m not Error,
Newbs

Open Letter of the Week: Chief Miles Edward O’Brien

September 3, 2006 Open Letter No Comments


Dear Chief Miles Edward O’Brien,

I’ve never written to a fictional character before, it only makes sense that you would be my first. You see, I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but you blow the fucking lid off awesome. Seriously man, you bang your hot wife, you let Bajoran bitches carry your children, and every season you get completely screwed over, but somehow always come out better for it.

You’ve been around the block. You fought in the Federation-Cardassian War, you served aboard the flagship of The United Federation of Planets, the motherfucking Enterprise, and you served as Chief of Operations on Deep Space Nine during some of the most historic moments in Federation history. I don’t mean to just sit here and list accomplishments, but there are just so goddamn many.

I know it might seem like I know about you, but you actually remain a bit of a mystery. For example, just what the fuck is your rank? Aboard the Enterprise you wore two pips, just like any Lieutenant, and apparently they even referred to you as such at some point. In DS9 they try to make it clear that you’re a non-commissioned officer, but you seem to tell a lot of people what to do and do more work than anybody else, so why not just get a field commission? You’d be running that place the second Sisko gave himself a heart attack from yelling at the door for being too flat.

Kayakingly yours,
Newbs

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