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Open Letter of the Week: Regina Spektor

August 25, 2009 Open Letter No Comments


Dear Regina Spektor,

Jesus fucking Christ. You are an authentic citizen of the Soviet Union. I have your discography, and I listen to you when I’m walking, bussing, relaxing, and browsing Magic cards. I like to imagine that when you play the piano, those glorious breasts bobble up and down rhythmically with the music.

Boning you would be like riding a hoverboard on a rainbow shaped like soft-serve ice cream.

I have nothing else to say. I am in awe.

Eating Wonderbread,
Newbs

Open Letter of the Week: Progressive Girl, Flo

August 18, 2009 Open Letter No Comments


Dear Progressive.com Girl, Flo,

My television viewing skills have greatly diminished since my teenage years. It’s not that I’m watching less television (although I am), it’s just that I pay so much less attention. Where once, I could tell you, in detail, about Mazda’s Zoom Zoom kid, I don’t know a thing about you.

I saw you on TV today and thought, “damn, she’s hot.” Then I had to process for a moment to remember that I’ve been seeing you for years. With that realization, I decided that I should write you a letter and let you know how I truly feel. I hope doing so will properly engrave in my mind the attraction which I hold for you. Like last week’s Shirley Manson, you have both the DSL, and the bright red lipstick to remind me of that fact. I’m sorry, but it’s true. I don’t have a car, but I’d buy insurance from you if you would, you know, help me out.

By the way, your name is Flo, and that reminds me of menstruation, but that’s okay.

I’ll trick out your name tag,
Newbs

Open Letter of the Week: Shirley Manson

August 11, 2009 Open Letter 1 Comment


Dear Shirley Manson,

I am a long time fan of your work in Garbage, and would like to plead that you end the ridiculous hiatus the band is on. Please, go on tour, and include a date at a location convenient for me so that I may attend. It is vital that I see you in concert, so that I may act as a male groupie, and allow you to take sexual advantage of me.

I recently watched your many appearances on The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson on YouTube, and found them rather strange. Craig loves to point out that you’re both Scottish, and then immediately correct himself and declare that he is in fact not Scottish, as he is now an American. I find the man’s obsession with being American bizarre and kind of troubling. You should ask him if there’s something wrong with being Scottish, or indeed, with being any nationality other than American. Any time he has British people on, he asks them if they have become American citizens yet, and when they say no, he seems to insinuate that he’s a better person simply for being American.

In conclusion Shirley, if I may call you that, every time I see you, I have a sincere urge to copulate.

I’ll be your bad boyfriend,
Newbs

ps. I also liked it when your music showed up in the Daria TV movie “Is It College Yet?”

Open Letter of the Week: Women I Ogle on Facebook

August 4, 2009 Open Letter No Comments

Dear Women I Ogle on Facebook,

You and I have had, as they say, a tumultuous relationship. Every once in a very great while, you post a picture of yourself that is truly magnificent. Some magical alignment of camera angle, facial expression, and cleavage occurs and I see you in a photograph that makes me feel genuinely lecherous. The fact that each of your photos has the potential to be one of these few fantastic ones is what keeps me coming back, but I find the ratio of your hot vs. boring pictures to be about the same as the good vs. shit ratio of the Wii library. That is to say, poor.

The vast majority of the time, there is at least one, and there are usually many, things wrong with what I’m seeing. The angle is off, you’re making a funny face, you’re posing with your friends (or even worse, your boyfriend), and the picture is rendered unusable.

I’m not saying you need to get into porn, I just feel that humanity would be much better served if you could slip me some erotic photos to help me out. If you’re not up for that, here’s my advice: you don’t have to always make a funny face, show some cleavage, and always kick your boyfriend out of the shot.

Clicking “like” for you,
Newbs

Open Letter of the Week: UltraNeko

July 28, 2009 Open Letter 1 Comment


Dear UltraNeko,

For the last two years, your channel on YouTube has been one of my favourites. I’ve found your combination of video game playing, commentary, and breasts to be highly entertaining and even inspirational. I’m finding life to be quite hard right now, UltraNeko, because for unexplained reasons, you’ve gone on extended hiatus.

You never became as hugely popular as some of your internet-game-reviewer compatriots like Yahtzee or AVGN, but you managed to collect a pretty sizable following. We, your following, in turn, dreamed of collecting your sizable breasts. Without your videos to greet me in my subscriptions box on YouTube, I’ve found my already dull life to have become just a little more empty.

I was thinking, if you genuinely refuse to do any more videos, that maybe you could at least come over and play some games with me. I know that that would be quite hard to accommodate as we live pretty far away from each other, but I think that you’d find me to be a highly enjoyable and erotic partner. For reference, I’ve included a couple of your videos which feature you wearing some of the things I’d like to see you wearing during your visit after the jump.

Staying infected,
Newbs


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