Image: Adapted from Natalie Portman by Josh Jensen under a CC-BY-SA license.

Dear Natalie Portman,

First off, you’re fucking Queen Amidala. Do you even realize how awesome that is? Queen “I gave birth to Darth Vader’s children” Amidala. Queen “I’m friends with Jar Jar Binks” Amidala. Queen “I fall for pick up lines involving sand” Amidala.

I was really hoping you could say something insulting about George Lucas, just between us. That would be hilarious. What’s in his neck pouch?

I frequently discuss on my website how terrible your fake English accent is, I hope you don’t mind. It was bad enough in V for Vendetta, but at least that was a watchable movie. On the other Bantha foot, The Other Boleyn Girl was one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, and it was just as bad there. Please, just stop.

I previously asked Scarlett Johansson to pass the message regarding your accent on to you, but you’ve got Your Highness coming out, so I don’t think you got it. Since it’s a comedy, maybe it’s part of the joke though.

Do you ever look at Photoshopped pictures of yourself on the internet? Yeah, I don’t recommend doing that.

I don’t like sand,
Newbs

Dear Scarlett Johansson,

What up Scarlett? Did you know that we’re almost the same age? Yup, you’re just eight days younger than me. Seeing as how we’re so close and all, I thought I’d take a minute to critique your body of work. You are mega hot almost beyond compare, but I think you could do some things to improve your career.

Honestly Scarlett, I think I was compelled to write this letter because I feel a little guilty. You were in my all-time third favourite movie, Ghost World, but I always had a much bigger crush on your co-star, Thora Birch. She was topless in American Beauty though, so maybe that’s been biasing me all these years. Just a thought, you should consider doing some nude work to rectify this.

You were also in my sixth favourite movie of all-time, Lost in Translation, but I always had a much bigger crush on your co-star, Bill Murray. His deadpan… everything is what did it for me. Actually, I don’t really have any advice for this one. No offense, but don’t even try to compete with that.

The only other movie I can remember seeing you in was the god-awful atrocity The Other Boleyn Girl. I’ve never seen so many poor English accents come out of so many American actors before. To your credit, your bad accent was exceptionally less bad and less distracting than Natalie Portman’s. If you see her, please tell her to stop doing bad English accents.

If you ever feel like marrying another Canadian, let me know,
Newbs

Dear Milla Jovovich,

No offense, but how the hell is your name pronounced? My-la? Me-la? Jo-vo-vich? Ho-vo-vich? Yo-vo-vich?

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that The Fifth Element is one of the greatest movies ever made. The number of times I’ve seen that film, and thus your nipples, is beyond calculation. Surely, its vivid colour scheme and general wackiness can never be topped. Its unique blend of sci-fi, fantasy, pop-culture, orange hair, fake languages, and blue tentacles represents an unscalable mountain of quality. Bruce Willis, Gary Oldman, Ian Holm, Chris Tucker, and you are a quintet of acting supremacy. Zoolander was good too.

Since I’ve got you here, I was hoping I could put in a request. I know you guys love putting cliffhangers at the ends of the Resident Evil films, but do you think you could pick one (let’s say the sixth) to be the last, and end it definitively? That would really help me out, since as bad as those things are, I care for some inexplicable reason.

Still regretting my viewing of Ultraviolet,
Newbs

Dear Christina Hendricks,

I’m worried about the direction of these Letters of the Week; they seem a little focused on the physical attractiveness of female celebrities. It’s just that whenever I go to find a picture of my latest letter target, I feel so overwhelmed by the hotness of my addressee that I am unable to resist.

Look, let’s just get through with this please. You’re a busty redhead, that’s the ultimate, the combo that kills. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’ll try to contain myself.

I just want you to know that while I may watch Mad Men eventually, I don’t right now. I’m a fan because of your work in Firefly, portraying the character Saffron. In the episode “Our Mrs. Reynolds,” your character pretends to be what one episode description calls “a nubile, willing redhead” (source), and I would add, subservient. Yes, she’s really a con artist, but I’m comfortable with forgetting about that part and just fantasizing about the other.

Again, I must apologize, I feel myself getting a little distracted by your rack… I mean your talent.

Not thinking about your cleavage,
Newbs

Image: Adapted from Christina Hendricks @ the Serenity Premiere by RavenU under a CC-BY license.

Every Sunday and Monday evening, and sometimes randomly for an entire day, I view you on my television, and wonder at your splendour. For several years now, you’ve been a shining beacon of hope in my life. While watching Mythbusters, I imagine myself working with you, exploding things with you, and fornicating with you.

I may be out of line here, I’m sorry if this is rude, but I was just wondering, could you go ahead and invent a time machine, then use it to undo your pregnancy? I’m just concerned that you might lose some of your bang-ability now that you’re a mother. Actually, that sounds like a good myth that you and I can test!

Here’s the plan: we get Grant to build a pre-pregnancy Kari-bot, I then plow both you and the robot repeatedly, keenly observing and carefully noting the subtle differences, and in so doing, determine who the better lay is.

I was just wondering, why am I not your replacement while you’re on maternity leave?

Totally busted (a nut),
Newbs

Jesus fucking Christ. You are an authentic citizen of the Soviet Union. I have your discography, and I listen to you when I’m walking, bussing, relaxing, and browsing Magic cards. I like to imagine that when you play the piano, those glorious breasts bobble up and down rhythmically with the music.

Boning you would be like riding a hoverboard on a rainbow shaped like soft-serve ice cream.

I have nothing else to say. I am in awe.

Eating Wonderbread,
Newbs

My television viewing skills have greatly diminished since my teenage years. It’s not that I’m watching less television (although I am), it’s just that I pay so much less attention. Where once, I could tell you, in detail, about Mazda’s Zoom Zoom kid, I don’t know a thing about you.

I saw you on TV today and thought, “damn, she’s hot.” Then I had to process for a moment to remember that I’ve been seeing you for years. With that realization, I decided that I should write you a letter and let you know how I truly feel. I hope doing so will properly engrave in my mind the attraction which I hold for you. Like last week’s Shirley Manson, you have both the DSL, and the bright red lipstick to remind me of that fact. I’m sorry, but it’s true. I don’t have a car, but I’d buy insurance from you if you would, you know, help me out.

By the way, your name is Flo, and that reminds me of menstruation, but that’s okay.

I’ll trick out your name tag,
Newbs

I am a long time fan of your work in Garbage, and would like to plead that you end the ridiculous hiatus the band is on. Please, go on tour, and include a date at a location convenient for me so that I may attend. It is vital that I see you in concert, so that I may act as a male groupie, and allow you to take sexual advantage of me.

I recently watched your many appearances on The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson on YouTube, and found them rather strange. Craig loves to point out that you’re both Scottish, and then immediately correct himself and declare that he is in fact not Scottish, as he is now an American. I find the man’s obsession with being American bizarre and kind of troubling. You should ask him if there’s something wrong with being Scottish, or indeed, with being any nationality other than American. Any time he has British people on, he asks them if they have become American citizens yet, and when they say no, he seems to insinuate that he’s a better person simply for being American.

In conclusion Shirley, if I may call you that, every time I see you, I have a sincere urge to copulate.

I’ll be your bad boyfriend,
Newbs

ps. I also liked it when your music showed up in the Daria TV movie “Is It College Yet?”

Dear Women I Ogle on Facebook,

You and I have had, as they say, a tumultuous relationship. Every once in a very great while, you post a picture of yourself that is truly magnificent. Some magical alignment of camera angle, facial expression, and cleavage occurs and I see you in a photograph that makes me feel genuinely lecherous. The fact that each of your photos has the potential to be one of these few fantastic ones is what keeps me coming back, but I find the ratio of your hot vs. boring pictures to be about the same as the good vs. shit ratio of the Wii library. That is to say, poor.

The vast majority of the time, there is at least one, and there are usually many, things wrong with what I’m seeing. The angle is off, you’re making a funny face, you’re posing with your friends (or even worse, your boyfriend), and the picture is rendered unusable.

I’m not saying you need to get into porn, I just feel that humanity would be much better served if you could slip me some erotic photos to help me out. If you’re not up for that, here’s my advice: you don’t have to always make a funny face, show some cleavage, and always kick your boyfriend out of the shot.

Clicking “like” for you,
Newbs

For the last two years, your channel on YouTube has been one of my favourites. I’ve found your combination of video game playing, commentary, and breasts to be highly entertaining and even inspirational. I’m finding life to be quite hard right now, UltraNeko, because for unexplained reasons, you’ve gone on extended hiatus.

You never became as hugely popular as some of your internet-game-reviewer compatriots like Yahtzee or AVGN, but you managed to collect a pretty sizable following. We, your following, in turn, dreamed of collecting your sizable breasts. Without your videos to greet me in my subscriptions box on YouTube, I’ve found my already dull life to have become just a little more empty.

I was thinking, if you genuinely refuse to do any more videos, that maybe you could at least come over and play some games with me. I know that that would be quite hard to accommodate as we live pretty far away from each other, but I think that you’d find me to be a highly enjoyable and erotic partner. For reference, I’ve included a couple of your videos which feature you wearing some of the things I’d like to see you wearing during your visit after the jump.

Staying infected,
Newbs

We need to talk. Something’s been bothering me lately, but let me start out by expressing how utterly I lust for and worship you. You’ve popped up in all manner of bizarre and awesome places. You star in the greatest commercial of all time, you’re in the astounding Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog, and you sang “Still Alive” at PAX. For reference, I’ve included videos of all these things after the jump. All of these appearances have inspired in me a deep and enduring urge to fornicate with you.

Here’s the problem Felicia, I’ve been following you on Twitter along with several other celebrities like Wil Wheaton and Grant from MythBusters, but you just can’t compete. The other celebrity Twitterers always come up with interesting things to say, but with you, it seems like it’s always marketing for whatever you’re working on now. I’m sorry, but I’m just not interested in your new show or your visit to Comic-Con. I don’t have time for all of this, you’re smothering me!

Wishing you were sitting in a theatre beside me,
Newbs

Samus, I’ve been staring at you in this particular piece of artwork for many years, and so has much of the internet. It’s just that you are so preposterously busty in this image that I am mesmerized. Shapely doesn’t begin to describe your rack in this picture.

When I take the improbable leap of looking away from your chest for just a moment, though, I see evidence that you have escaped the bonds of gravity and even the human need for atmosphere. Could it be, Samus, that this portrait is a delusion of fantasy and not true to your experiences as a bounty hunter?

I was also wondering, since it comes up in this image as well as places in your games, where does that pistol of yours come from when you bust out of your suit? Is it just sitting in your arm cannon, waiting for the moment that your suit flies off, so that you can immediately start blasting space pirates?

Please Samus, come visit me in your Zero Suit as soon as possible so that we may clear up these issues.

Grapple Beam me any time,
Newbs

Look, I know I should be doing a lot of figurative fellatio right now, but there’s no time, so you’re just going to have to imagine I’m telling you what a great guy you are.

There’s something much more important at stake right now, that being Link’s handedness. He’s left handed, like me, like you. He’s been left handed ever since you had to flip his sprite in the original Legend of Zelda, and he should stay that way.

I can see you in this picture holding that sword in your left hand, just like our mutual friend Link, and I know that you really wish you could make the Wii version of Twilight Princess continue the Zelda series’ proud tradition of left handed propaganda. And I understand that you’re under a tight deadline, but please, just stop sleeping, hire some more people, and give us the option of choosing Link’s handedness. Don’t make me buy both versions of Twilight Princess just to reassure myself that Link really is left handed.

I have the same favourite movie as you,
Newbs

I was wondering whether or not I should write you an open letter or do a Q&A with you, when I remembered that you don’t exactly talk (other than to ask the princess for the occasional kiss), so I’m going with the letter.

Link, it seems that I’m always saying to various celebrities and fictional characters things like “you’re awesome,” “you’re the fucking man,” etc. Well, you are all of those things too, but I would say I have an even greater homoerotic connection with you. You see, I’ve been playing Zelda games religiously since I was a kid, and I can’t help but share in some of your glory. I wish I could run through fields with epic music blaring and whip out my sword when a Stalfos jumps out at me.

I guess I might as well ask you while I’ve got the chance, but what is it with you and chicks? You run around trying to save that cunt Zelda, even though she never puts out. You get to fuck the hottest chick of all time, Malon, and you don’t even care. You even banged Princess Ruto, a Zora, a goddamn fish woman. Seriously dude, what was her vag like? I just, I just can’t fathom your sex life.

I’m not Error,
Newbs

I’ve never written to a fictional character before, it only makes sense that you would be my first. You see, I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but you blow the fucking lid off awesome. Seriously man, you bang your hot wife, you let Bajoran bitches carry your children, and every season you get completely screwed over, but somehow always come out better for it.

You’ve been around the block. You fought in the Federation-Cardassian War, you served aboard the flagship of The United Federation of Planets, the motherfucking Enterprise, and you served as Chief of Operations on Deep Space Nine during some of the most historic moments in Federation history. I don’t mean to just sit here and list accomplishments, but there are just so goddamn many.

I know it might seem like I know about you, but you actually remain a bit of a mystery. For example, just what the fuck is your rank? Aboard the Enterprise you wore two pips, just like any Lieutenant, and apparently they even referred to you as such at some point. In DS9 they try to make it clear that you’re a non-commissioned officer, but you seem to tell a lot of people what to do and do more work than anybody else, so why not just get a field commission? You’d be running that place the second Sisko gave himself a heart attack from yelling at the door for being too flat.

Kayakingly yours,
Newbs

You’re loud, you’re angry, you’re political, and you’re crazy. All this together makes for an heroic package. I don’t know much about your work besides your “Back in Black” segment on The Daily Show, but that’s all I really need.

Your ranting is brilliance. I have ranted often, commonly about my hatred for humanity, especially in reference to females and also males. Still, my ranting never seems to reach the same fever pitch as your ranting, and it is rarely so poignant or funny.

I know you have a part in the new movie “Accepted,” and your presence makes me want to see the movie, even though I would have absolutely no interest otherwise.

Angrily yours,
Newbs

You played Seven of Nine in Star Trek: Voyager. The role was preposterous, you had to wear the most absurdly tight costume of all time and yet act like you were dressed at about the same level of business casual as everybody else.

In my opinion, the costume was so over the top, it would have been far hotter if you had worn the proper Starfleet uniform. This actually ties into a fantasy I’ve been kicking around that I thought you might be curious to hear. It directly involves me, role playing a strong and perpetually angry Starfleet captain, disciplining a shy, confused ensign. This would of course escalate into a wild sexual romp, where I teach the ensign how to, as Cartman would say, “respect my authority.” This doesn’t necessarily involve you of course; I just thought you might be interested to hear about it.

Anyway, I just wanted to see how you were doing. I know you got divorced awhile ago, must be tough. I myself have never been divorced, I’m not married either. Actually, I’ve been pretty single most of my life. Have you ever considered hooking up with a Trekkie? Not necessarily me, again, but you know, like a big raging nerd. I think that would really give hope to us all.

Efficiently yours,
Newbs

You may be wondering why I’m writing to you. You assume I only write to hot musician chicks and glorious old guys. Well, the thing is, I kind of consider you a hot chick. I know, I know, you’re too old for me, and you probably have some kind of family. Well, the thing is, you have an important job at Nintendo, and that’s pretty goddamn arousing. I should also point out that you have a very decent rack, a feature I value highly.

I think your roundabout PR-speak filled answers to IGN’s “Nintendo Minute” questions are hilarious, because in the obsessive Nintendo fanboy life that I lead, they seem like campy “haha, oh Perrin” moments. I also enjoy your strange and often flirty relationship with IGN’s Matt Casamassina. Just don’t get too close or I may become jealous.

I was wondering, would it be possible for you and Reggie Fils-Aime to come by my place some time? I’m thinking we could hang out, play some Mario Kart, maybe go bowling. Afterwards we could talk about giving me total control of Nintendo so that I may lead the company to unimaginable profit and success. If you’re looking for somewhere to crash afterwards, there’s plenty of room at my place.

Waiting for all the answers you’ve promised closer to launch,
Newbs

To put it simply, you’re a living legend. My first encounter with your work was Jurassic Park, the film instantly became my favourite film as a kid, and your portrayal of John Hammond was the linchpin for my infatuation.

I have long considered John Hammond to be my idol, and, if medical science fails me and dooms me to aging, I hope to adopt the Hammond persona in my old age. Most vital to this would be the white clothes, the beard, and especially the cane.

I have seen some of your other work as well, Mr. Attenborough. Your appearance in the remake of Miracle on 34th Street automatically made it a superior film to the original. I should also mention, I thought you were great in The Great Escape.

Spared No Expense,
Newbs

You play Silent Bob, who is said to be the character of Jay’s “hetero life-mate.” Well Kevin, you are my hetero film director hero. Long have I marveled at your ability to make Clerks, perhaps one of the best movies ever, on such a tiny budget. I have enjoyed all of your movies that I’ve seen (I haven’t seen Jersey Girl) and I have liked them all. This is particularly true of Clerks II, which I think has quickly become my second favourite Kevin Smith film, behind only Clerks itself. I also find Clerks: The Animated Series to be straight up awesome.

Sometimes I see guys who, whether intentionally or not, look a hell of a lot like Silent Bob. Does this scare the hell out of you or what, especially considering how much you look like him as it is? I mean, I think it’d be awesome if my readers started dressing like me and worshipping me, and for awhile I bet even stalkers would be fun. Still, I can imagine that getting old after awhile, and if everybody dressed like me it just wouldn’t be the Newbs’ style anymore.

Sincerely,
Newbs

Oh Alexis, first I became most addicted to your show Gilmore girls, and then I saw you in the vastly awesome Sin City. As if all that wasn’t enough, I recently discovered that you even have a bit part in my all time second favourite movie, Rushmore.

Of course it’s only partly your work that makes you so hot; it’s mostly that shy voice and sweet sweet body of yours. Since Evanescence’s Amy Lee never responded to my request to wear glasses and let me cum on her face, I must ask of you a similar favour. I saw in a quick little amateur porn clip a while ago a guy railing this chick from behind and while doing so, she kind of gets up and raps her arms around his neck, bending her back in a pretty miraculous fashion. I was just curious if you might like to try such an exercise with me?

Yours Truly,
Newbs

Dear William Shatner,

Bill Shatner, you’re the goddamn man. It was just this Christmas that I laid my hands and ears upon your brand new CD, Has Been. It’s actually the first CD I have ever owned. I think it’s a remarkable product, your cover of the song “Common People” makes me jump up and down in a movement vaguely resembling dancing, I usually sing along while doing so also.

It’s not just the CD though, Will, you are on TV a good ten times a day. If it’s not a rerun of an old Star Trek episodes or a movie, then it’s an award show or an ad for Priceline, All-Bran or some other company. Actually, on the topic of All-Bran, I have to heartily thank you for making me aware of this product. I eat a bowl every day, and seeing you staring up at me from the box as I pass it by makes me remember “eat your bran, fuck face!” My all time favourite of your TV endeavors is that Star Trek episode of Futurama. Man, that shit is great.

Willy, would you be interested in being interviewed by shufflingdead.com?

Thank You Billiam,
Newbs

Dear Amy Lee,

I am still in love with Jewel, but I would say you come in a close second. Have you met her? Or considered lesbian relations with her? You should look into it, because that’d be pretty hot.

Well anyway, I recently saw you perform live, and though most of the performance involved me getting bashed in the head by crowd surfers, I did catch a few glimpses of your impeccable self. You have crazy black hair, which I have a fetish for, you also wear cool clothes and give off that bohemian vibe that makes me have unclean thoughts.

Have you ever considered getting thick rimmed glasses? Sometimes I watch porn where the guy jizzes on the girls glasses and it looks like good times. Want to try?

Sincerely,
Newbs

Dear Jewel,

Long have I lingered upon this planet called Earth. I have seen an infinite number of pictures of Britney Spears and every other young female singer but they all make shitty music, and have had plastic surgery. I have seen more porn than god, stalked more girls than I care to count, but they all pale in comparison to you. I don’t even know why. No, no wait I do know.

It’s because you seem to have really nice tits, and really smooth skin. Your girly music makes me feel warm and sad inside at the same time. Except for your new CD, which I pretend doesn’t exist.

Oh Jewel, will you marry me or at least be my eternal sex slave?

Love,
Newbs