This week’s Internter is MourningStar72, one desperate GameFAQer. Mr. 72 hopped aboard the GameFAQs.com SimAnt message board to ask an embarrassing question that most people would have probably tried to figure out on their own.
On April 9, 2010, MourningStar72 pled to the seemingly empty board “If anyone is here please help,” and followed it up by admitting a rather shameful secret “I don’t know how to mate.”
Well kid, I’ve got a little experience in this field and I think I can help. The truth is, the yellow ant can’t mate with the queen. To get more ants, you’ll need to move around some of the unhatched ants and make sure they’re not all sitting on top of each other. You can also adjust the behaviour of your ants to nurse, and they’ll take care of it for you. Ramp up the number of Breeder ants your queen produces if you find she’s not laying enough eggs.
This week’s Interneter is MissHannahMinx, a YouTube celebrity on the rise. She’s only been producing videos for about a year, but already has over 80 000 subscribers. Her biggest video has over a million views.
In her Cats n’ Racks video, Minxy famously and profoundly stated “Cats, neko… very powerful on the internet. Racks… also very powerful.” Her frank recognition of what works on the internet is clearly represented in Minxy’s output. Her videos consistently include the wearing of cat-ear headbands and her own gargantuan breasts, along with other internet tent-poles like giant eyes, slightly, I don’t know, “alt” makeup, fetishization of Japanese culture, and the speaking of Japanese in a ridiculously cutesy fashion.
Much of the amusement I get from MHM’s videos comes from the comments she receives. The unbridled passion which YouTube commenters speak with is concentrated sexual obsession when it comes to Minxy’s viewers. A quick read through the comments on one of her latest videos includes such illuminating insights as:
“BEEG AMERIKKKAN TEETEES!!” – TenchiHawkwing
“For fucks sake…Your tits are so massive that they will eventually collapse into themselves like Neutron Stars.” – billyboyjennings
“wow wee she is got some babylons!!!!!!” – miscreantV0n
“titss very goud” – lkykrc
“lets take turns jerking off on her face” – dx7im
“I would be glad to give you a fuck !” – billonis
Stay classy, internet.
MissHannahMinx, Shufflingdead salutes you for exploiting the general stupidity of the internet’s population.
This week’s Interneter is the radically prolific movie reviewer Roger Ebert. You may think of Ebert as a TV personality, but in recent years he has become a juggernaut of internet usage. Sure, Ebert insists that video games are not art, but I have to appreciate what this man does online.
He’s lost his jaw to cancer, his nourishment comes through a tube, and he has surely been wealthy enough to retire for many years, yet the man cranks out copy like no one else. This includes continuously adding to his site, which already boasts over 10 000 movie reviews. He also finds the time to frequently spar with commenters on his blog, and he Tweets with an unheard-of culmination of quality and quantity.
The sheer volume of text the man produces is insurmountable and awe-inspiring. The fact that he is also a writer of true quality is astonishing, and fairly embarrassing to dedicated web-writers like myself.
Roger Ebert, Shufflingdead salutes you for making us look bad.
This week’s Interneter is Twihard mayte[heart], whose post happened to be sitting at the top of mylifeistwilight.com when I visited the site a few minutes ago. Please note that her proper name is “mayte” followed by a heart, but I can’t be bothered to make the character display properly. Here is her post for your amusement:
Today my friend and I were in my moms car and we saw a silver volvo pass right next to us. The first thing we said was follow that car cause Edward might be driving around Dallas. The weirdest thing was that it actually was cloudy and raining- MLIT-
mayte[heart] is not technically pictured to the right, but the image is probably not a bad guess at what such an enormous Twilight fan would look like. mayte[heart]‘s internet celebrity skyrocketed, I’m guessing, with her post to mylifeistwilight.com, and will certainly climb ever higher, provided she continue to confuse reality with a series of poorly written children’s novels and then talk about it online.
mayte[heart], Shufflingdead salutes you for making us feel better about ourselves.
Seriously folks, I’m almost done talking about Tiger Woods. No, really, you won’t have to endure this much longer.
Unlike previous entries in this series, this week’s Interneter didn’t launch a succesful career through the internet, and he hasn’t found the web all that beneficial in any obvious ways. In fact, this Interneter didn’t even post his own material for others to enjoy, it was done for him by adult actress Joslyn James, pictured to the right. This week’s Interneter is Tiger Woods.
Veronica Siwik-Daniels, as she is known in reality, just set up a new website called “sextingjoslynjames.com” (it’s quite NSFW, which is why I’m not linking to it directly) where she has helped Tiger get started in the exciting world of online content production!
Tiger’s first contribution consists of a long list of texts he sent Joslyn over the course of their affair, and it truly does amuse. Some highlights include:
This week’s Interneter is Brandon “ArtieTSMITW” Hardesty, whose YouTube videos are some of the finest things available on the internet. Brandon rose to fame re-creating famous scenes from movies, performing all roles himself. Like a lot of people, I first discovered Brandon when someone created a thread about him on the Something Awful forums. Brandon has since repeatedly thanked the SA community for foisting him to internet super-stardom.
I can think of no one more deserving than Brandon Hardesty of internet celebrity. I’ve followed his career as he’s gone from Geico commercials and appearances on Jimmy Kimmel Live! to roles in major motion pictures, and he has exhibited nothing but pure kindness and humour throughout.
Brandon’s latest work is embedded above. The video actually out-does much of his previous work, which is saying a lot. In this latest production, Hardesty recreates a classic scene from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory as though it starred Jack Nicholson and Christopher Walken. It’s truly something to behold.
Brandon Hardesty, Shufflingdead salutes you for making the internet not suck.
May 1st, 2010 by 
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