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Creature of the Week: Gyarados

September 7, 2009 Character Profile No Comments

Source: I’ve decided to revive the old “Prehistoric Organism of the Week” feature by rebranding it as the broader “Creature of the Week.” This opens up the possibility of examining all the world’s most noble creatures, not just the extinct ones. Since last week was Pokémon week, but I just thought of this idea now, I thought I’d begin with a Pokémon. The sort-of-inaugural Creature of the Week is the shiny Red Gyarados catchable in Pokémon Gold.

Depicted Above: Here, we see my Red Gyarados devouring one of the feeble trainers who dare challenge me.

Vital Statistics: Gyarados are Water/Flying type Pokémon which evolve from Magikarp at level 20. Gyarados are over 21 feet long and weight more than 518 pounds.

Fury Factor: My Red Gyarados is right at the front of my line-up of Pokémon, and frequently one-shots his foes. He’s the only Water-type in my party and his knowledge of the three Water-type HMs make him an invaluable workhorse. Fury Factor: five.

Character Profile: Joanna Dark

September 15, 2006 Character Profile No Comments

Image: Rare.

This week I had the honour of sitting down with Joanna Dark.

Q: How’s it going?
A: Shitty, nobody bought Perfect Dark Zero, and yesterday I caught Bill Gates jerking off while staring at me through my office window at the Carrington Institute.

Q: What’s up with the framerate in Perfect Dark?
A: My body is slightly out of phase with normal space-time, those were actually jitters in the continuum.

Q: Let’s talk about your personal life. Did you ever get boned by your alien friend Elvis?
A: You know what they say about a guy with a giant bulbous head.

Q: Seriously, is the Laptop Gun awesome or what?
A: I’m not really sure I know how to answer that.

Q: Are you pumped for Wii?
A: One day, Microsoft will sell Rare back to Nintendo for 1/20th what they paid, and on that day I shall pump Wii so hard every wand waggling nerd connected to WiiConnect24 will orgasm simultaneously.

Character Profile: Long-job Tetris Block

September 9, 2006 Character Profile No Comments

For my first ever Game Character Q&A of the Week I will be joined by Long-job Tetris Block.

Q: Can I call you Long-job?
A: That’s what the ladies call me.

Q: You are probably the key piece in making Tetris such a satisfying game, care to comment?
A: The ladies tell me I’m pretty satisfying too.

Q: Don’t you ever talk about anything besides sex?
A: I penetrate man, that’s what I do.

Q: Alright, fine, let’s talk about sex. How many chicks do you bang in, say, a month?
A: A month? Goddamn, hundreds. It’s easy to rack up points because I always do four at once.

Q: Ever give somebody an STD?
A: Probably, but she would have never found out. I always kill my women after I fuck them.

Creature of the Week: Mammoth

Choosing the Mammoth, or “Wooly Mammoth” as they are called, for Jurassic Park Week may not at first seem very logical since the books and films featured only Dinosaurs. The reason is that Jurassic Park demonstrates just how awesome it would be to throw a bunch of genetically engineered creatures on an island and let them tear the place apart.

You see, Mammoth DNA is much more readily available than Dinosaur DNA (which is to say that it’s available at all), and the cloning of such a creature, at least in my not so biologically educated mind, is possible. This makes the Mammoth an obvious candidate for an island born of my evil genetic machinations. Additional creatures would likely have to be abominations of currently existing creatures originating from the imaginations of the geneticists. Again, without knowing anything about biology, I have to guess that “finding” Dinosaur DNA through manipulating the DNA of other creatures and then guessing and checking the final product is impossible. Still, I will be sorely disappointed if I never see a living Dinosaur with my own eyes, and Mammoth cloning could be an exciting appetizer for that eventuality.

Creature of the Week: Hylaeosaurus

Hylaeosaurus was an indomitable tank of self defense. With spikes running along the top and sides of its body, Hylaeosaurus was probably not a fun target for its Cretaceous predators.

As an herbivore, Hylaeosaurus was probably a pretty friendly guy. Still, his tough exterior meant that other Dinosaurs were afraid of him and didn’t want to hang out with him. Plus, as everybody knows, the cool Dinosaurs were all bad-ass carnivores, likely resulting in Hylaeosaurus not having many girlfriends.

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