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Character Profile: RoboCop

Image: RoboCop. Orion Pictures.

Detroit mayor Dave Bing is looking for ways to improve his city’s image. One Twitter user suggested erecting a statue of RoboCop, similar to the Rocky statue in Philadelphia. Sadly, they mayor turned the idea down. In order to convince Bing of what a great idea this really is, I will be honouring RoboCop in this week’s character profile.

Source: Detroit policeman Alex J. Murphy was rebuilt as the cyborg OCP Crime Prevention Unit 001, or RoboCop, after he was murdered by a criminal gang.

Vital Statistics: RoboCop carries a 9mm handgun which he holsters in his leg. He can remove his left hand and replace it with a “weapon arm” which includes a machine gun, flamethrower, and missile launcher. It is with these weapons that RoboCop protects the good people of Detroit from the criminals in their city.

Something Disturbing: There is nothing disturbing whatsoever about RoboCop. He is a glistening example of lawfulness and integrity, and erecting a statue in his image is the least Detroit can do to honour his brave efforts.

Fury Factor: Remember that time I said he could replace his hand with a missile launcher? Yeah. Also defeated ED-209 by tricking it into attempting to descend a set of stairs. Fury factor: 2700.

Character Profile: Kirby

Image: Kirby Super Star Ultra. Nintendo.

Source: Kirby is the legendary pink… thing of the games which carry his name.

Vital Statistics: Kirby is a mere 8 inches tall, yet appears to be roughly the same height as other Nintendo mascots in Super Smash Bros., including the human and humanoid ones. He has also been described as “a living pink marshmallow,” but that might not be canon. In conclusion, he is pink. The rest is up for debate.

Something Disturbing: Although gamers across the internet never seem to get enough of the sexual and/or grotesque implications of Kirby’s giant mouth-body, Wikipedia tells me some Kirby material has implied that he is fairly young. I recommend we continue to ignore these hints for the purpose of comedy.

Fury Factor: Kirby’s own games are generally quite easy, with some not even allowing him/you to die. Having said that, I’ve seen Kirby box significantly above his punch class (or whatever sports analogy I am trying to make) in Super Smash Bros. As such, I award Kirby a fury factor of 2300.01.

What you just read: In the Summer of 2006 I started up a feature called “Prehistoric Organism of the Week” with the intention of MS-Painting dinosaurs for amusement. I then abandoned that feature a couple months later and started up “Game Character Q&A of the Week” so that I could make sexual innuendos about Tetris pieces. This lasted all of two entries. In September of 2009 I rebranded “Prehistoric Organism of the Week” as “Creature of the Week” so that I could MS-Paint Pok√©mon. Now, in early 2011, I’ve decided to pull all of these things together into the feature you just read, simply called “Character Profile of the Week.” All of this is to say we don’t know what we’re doing here at ShufflingDead, but we ask that you just roll with it.

Creature of the Week: The well-endowed Tanuki

Source: This Creature of the Week comes to us partly from reality, and partly from mythology, it’s the Japanese raccoon dog known as the tanuki (sometimes spelled “tanooki”). Tanuki have a special place in Japanese folklore, and statues of them can often be found outside Japanese temples and restaurants. The tanuki of folklore is known to be mischievous, jolly, a master of disguise, absent-minded, and the possessor of a giant scrotum.

Depicted Above: Most westerners know the tanuki from the rare Tanooki suit item from Super Mario Bros. 3, which seems to have been inspired by the folklore version of the tanuki. Since Mario games were always intended to have family appeal, the massive set of balls which tanuki are traditionally represented as possessing were omitted from the suit. I have remastered Mario as he should have appeared in the game while wearing the suit, and placed him against some traditional Japanese art in order to remind the viewer of the tanuki’s proud history in Japanese culture.

Vital Statistics: The tanuki’s big belly is said to symbolize bold decisiveness, and his even bigger balls are said to represent financial luck. Tom Nook of Animal Crossing is also a tanuki. His giant testicles are represented metaphorically by means of the outrageous demands he makes upon the player.

Fury Factor: 2300.

Creature of the Week: The Sneaky Octopus

Source: This Creature of the Week is the sneaky octopus. The source is, surprisingly, reality.

Depicted Above: I have drawn the octopus as simply as possible, so as to make him look entirely humble. This is in order to represent the octopus the way in which it wishes to be perceived. By presenting such a mundane representation of the creature, I hope to remind viewers that if the octopus were your neighbor, you might describe him as a nice guy who “mostly kept to himself.” You see, the octopus is known for many utterly reprehensible acts, including the wholesale destruction of ships while in its kraken-state, for example.

Vital Statistics: Wikipedia tells me “octopuses often escape even from supposedly secure tanks, due to their problem solving skills, mobility and lack of rigid structure.” See? Octopuses are sneaky!

Fury Factor: These things have eight arms, they’re covered in suction cups, and are itching for the chance to eat your ship. When a giant space octopus caught the Ninja Turtles in one of my childhood colouring books, I came to understand their true nature. Fury Factor: 888.

Creature of the Week: The Unnamed Bowser Species

Source: This Creature of the Week is the unnamed Bowser species, whose members include Bowser and Bowser’s eight children. This species is another of the Super Mario franchise, and its selection this week was inspired by the upcoming Wii title: New Super Mario Bros. Wii.

Depicted Above: Much of the information on this species comes from studying Bowser’s eight children. While researching, I began to wonder just how it was Bowser had had so many kids, and who he had had them with. Since these are turtle-like creatures, I began with the assumption that they do not reproduce asexually, the way Toads do. My artwork for this entry is meant to represent Bowser’s woman, the thing he’s having all of these children with. She’s an amalgamation of characteristics of the Koopalings, seven of Bowser’s eight villainous children.

Vital Statistics: The unnamed Bowser species is known for spikes, ludicrous hair, ferocious power, and a fatal weakness to plumbers.

Fury Factor: Bowser and his children have conquered kingdoms and kidnapped princesses. Fury Factor: 50.

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