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Cock Wars 2010 Contestants – Alpha Quadrant

April 5, 2010 Cock Wars 3 Comments

Welcome to the Cock Wars 2010 Alpha Quadrant contestant descriptions. The polls for this mighty competition of poll are now open, and your input can be input right here. For more on this important piece of pop culture cluster-fuckery, see the FAQ, and check out the battle bracket.


Saul Tigh

Saul Tigh is a 2000 year old humanoid Cylon and survivor of the lost 13th tribe. He worked as the Executive Officer of the Battlestar Galactica under the command of William Adama during the Second Cylon War. Saul’s years of military experience, both real and implanted, helped him to outsmart the cold and unrelenting attacks of many Cylons.

Tigh led the New Caprica Resistance against Cylon occupation, a task which ultimately led to his imprisonment and the tearing out of his eye.

Throughout the course of the Second Cylon War, Saul Tigh managed to overcome numerous grueling hardships, including his horrible wife, his horrible wife’s death, and his horrible wife’s rebirth.

Battle cry: “Frak.”

Special move: Functioning alcoholism.



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Cock Wars 2010 Battle Bracket

March 31, 2010 Cock Wars 5 Comments

Cock Wars 2010: The Dong Strikes Back has begun on the Shufflingdead forums! That means it’s about time we posted the official battle bracket. Hit the jump to check out all the thrilling dick-waving that’s about to commence. Check out the FAQ for more info.

Also be sure to check out all of the contestant descriptions submitted by our readers: Alpha, Beta, Gamma, Delta.

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Cock Wars 2010: The Dong Strikes Back FAQ

March 4, 2010 Cock Wars 6 Comments

With GameFAQs’ Character Battle VIII well under way, and Oscar night this Sunday, awards season is in full “swing,” which means it’s time for everybody’s favourite parody of meaningless contests, Cock Wars!

What is Cock Wars?
Cock Wars is the ultimate battle for supremacy in the universe. Competitors use their strength of dong to claim superiority over others.

How does it work?
I will post the polls in the Cock Wars 2010 forum, you vote for who you think is the most awesome in each, the winner moves on to the next round. Polls will run for a full week, and, until the final, four will be posted at a time. The full Battle Bracket is available here.

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Cock Wars 2009 Summation

April 27, 2009 Cock Wars No Comments

Cock Wars 2009 was begun with 64 aspiring Cock Master Generals, and was concluded with the crowning of one supreme being of legendary status. Lord of the Rings, Alien, Chrono Trigger, Batman, and Spiderman characters warred against the wealthiest of men, the harsh Russian winter, and video game consoles. A Tetris piece did slay a rock star. Napoleon’s tactical ability was no match for the Alien Queen. Iron Man outmaneuvered Dr. Octopus. Bill Nye the Science Guy outsmarted the Mongol cavalry.

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Cock Wars 2009 Contestants – Delta Quadrant

April 6, 2009 Cock Wars No Comments

Frog – Description by Weskimo

Frog, otherwise known as Glenn, is a knight in the service of the kingdom of Guardia, and joins Crono and Lucca in a rescue attempt for Queen Leene in 600AD. Once an all-around sissy boy, after watching his best friend being murdered by a dark wizard and being turned into a walking, talking frog all in one day, he realizes that nice guys really do finish last, and its enough to turn the marshmallow into a valiant, monster-slaying, pint-sized badass. Though tormented by his failure to help his best friend, he vows to protect the kingdom and slay Magus. Armed with the mythical broadsword Masamune, watery magical abilities, and one hell of a tongue, this frog is out for blood.

Famous lines: “Lower thine guard and thou’rt allowing the enemy in.”

What others are saying: “You’re a marshmallow, Glenn” –Cyrus, “A…a FROG!? Crono, it’s a talking FROG! I hate frogs!” -Lucca, “Riiiibbit!!!!” -Slippy Toad

Special Move: Frog tongue



The Alien Queen – Description by Psycho Limey

It is a well known fact that the maternal instinct can turn anything female, from docile, into a destructive force like no other. The movie Aliens has a lot to do with those maternal instincts, and what they can bring out in us. Spill a man’s drink or insult him and a fight is likely, but give a mother cause for violence and you can forget all hope of leaving uninjured. The alien queen, standing at 15′ tall, will make you wish you had one last bullet.

The Alien Queen is smarter than the average human. Her capacity for learning means no matter how smart you think you are, she will find a way to get you and considering she usually has an army of the deadliest creatures going on her side. You are pretty much hooped.

She can shrug off almost all injuries, that’s if you’re even capable of damaging her. She can reproduce an army in days, and even if you do somehow manage to escape or kill her, her entire genetic memory is passed on. Leave even a single egg alive and that one facehugger will find something to hatch an alien from, that one alien will find the nutrients to molt into a queen, and that queen will remember you, and will never stop trying for vengeance.


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