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Cock Wars 2011: Round #2: Merfolk of the Pearl Trident v. Princess Leia v. Arwen v. Achilles

March 31, 2011 Cock Wars No Comments

Whose johnson excels?

  • Princess Leia (45%, 10 Votes)
  • Merfolk of the Pearl Trident (23%, 5 Votes)
  • Achilles (18%, 4 Votes)
  • Arwen (14%, 3 Votes)

Total Voters: 22

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Merfolk of the Pearl Trident (Weskimo)

Image: Wizards of the Coast.

These aquatic warriors are the key to the success of any blue creature attack, flapping their fins around, waving their pointy weapons, and costing one blue mana all over the place. Don’t mess with these guys. Seriously. They’ll stick you.

Back in 1995, these guys were one of blue’s most reliable creatures. They didn’t bounce back to your hand when they actually do something, and they can attack your opponent without having to repeatedly mutate his lands into islands. These guys were the real trident-head of the assault.

What Others Are Saying: “Are merfolk humans with fins, or are humans merfolk with feet?”

Special Moves: Costing 1 blue mana. Tridenting things.

Princess Leia (Newbs)

Image: Lucasfilm.

Description: Princess Leia was instrumental in the fall of the Empire during the Galactic Civil War. She was responsible for transferring to R2-D2 the Death Star plans, allowing the rebels to exploit a weakness found within those details. Unlike her ugly-ass brother, who was raised by moisture farmers, Leia was adopted by royalty because she was blatantly the superior of the two.

Special moves: Kissing her brother.

Battle cry: “Someone get this big walking carpet out of my way!”

What others are saying: “I know.” – Han Solo

Arwen (Newbs)

Image: New Line Cinema.

Description: Arwen is the youngest, and hottest, daughter of Elrond, Lord of Rivendell. Some claim that she has the magical ability to summon a river to do her bidding and use it to sweep away nothing less than a rampaging team of Black Riders.

Less controversially, she wound up marrying the king of men at some point, and managed to live to be 2901 years of age.

Achilles (BloodLark)

Description: The child of Thetis the nymph and Peleus King of the Myrmidons.

Achilles is the main character in the Iliad. Being a great warrior, he played an important role in the battle of Troy. Achilles also pissed off Apollo by defacing his temple. His legend lives on today in the idiom “Achilles Heel.”

Questions: Why didn’t his momma double dip?

Death: Killed by an arrow in the heel that was shot by Paris.

Sing, goddess, of Achilles ruinous anger
Which brought ten thousand pains to the Achaeans,
And cast the souls of many stalwart heroes
To Hades, and their bodies to the dogs
And birds of prey

Cock Wars 2011: Round #3: Nikola Tesla v. George Lucas v. Felicia Day v. Geoffrey Rush

March 31, 2011 Cock Wars No Comments

Whose johnson excels?

  • Nikola Tesla (55%, 11 Votes)
  • Felicia Day (30%, 6 Votes)
  • George Lucas (15%, 3 Votes)
  • Geoffrey Rush (0%, 0 Votes)

Total Voters: 20

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Nikola Tesla (BloodLark)

Image: Public domain.

Description: It is thought that Tesla had synaesthesia. He also had the astonishing ability to fully mentally build any of his inventions. He would never commit anything to paper before he had fully examined and proved a concept in his own mind. Tesla and Edison were adversaries since Tesla promoted AC and Edison was promoting DC. Tesla patented designs for AC motors, and things like a primitive radar device. Some of the ideas he worked on were a “death ray,” the wireless transmission of electricity, and energy shields. Tesla was definitely a man who could see well beyond the scope of his time.

Questions: What could Tesla have done if he had access to our level of technology?

Death: Died of heart failure in 1943

Quote: “I do not think there is any thrill that can go through the human heart like that felt by the inventor as he sees some creation of the brain unfolding to success… Such emotions make a man forget food, sleep, friends, love, everything.”

George Lucas (MerrGe)

Description: George Lucas is an American producer, screenwriter, director and billionaire. He has been nominated for numerous Academy Awards and has won several life time achievement awards. He has donated millions to charities and has been credited on such movies as American Graffiti, Indiana Jones, The Land Before Time (yeah, the dinosaur one), and Labyrinth. Not enough for you? Well how about this:

THIS MAN CREATED STAR WARS. The movie series that revolutionized special effects, pop culture and the entire sci fi genre. The movie series that gave birth to some of the most badass characters in movie history (the man invented Darth Vader for cryin’ out loud!). The movie series that gave us some of the most awesome and recognizable sound tracks in history (did someone say Imperial March?). The movie series that gave us The Force, lighsabers, Death Stars, and The Dark Side. The movie series that brought science fiction back to the mainstream, and revitalized the entire genre to pave the way for all the other recent science fiction movies and tv series that probably would of never seen the light of day without it. And I’m sure that everyone who saw these movies when they were young remembers watching them for the first time. So lets show a little appreciation for the man that made this all possible, shall we?

Felicia Day (Newbs)

Description: Along with being an accomplished film, television, and commercial actor, Felicia Day is an internet superstar and geek goddess. She stars in The Guild, a popular web series which she also created and writes. She also played Penny in the great internet musical, Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog. Felcia starred in the most romantic commercial of all time.

Geoffrey Rush (BloodLark)

Description: Currently most commonly known as Captain Barbossa from the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, Rush has received attention for his role in The King’s Speech. He also has had several darker roles such as Stephen Price in House on Haunted Hill and the Marque de Sade in Quills. His acting ability has been acknowledged by several awards, such as an Oscar for his role in Shine.

Questions: Where else have I seen him?

Death: Not dead yet.

Quote: “When you get to tongue kiss Kate Winslet and get paid for it, you say: I’ll sign!”

Cock Wars: Round #4: Jack Sparrow v. The Pikmin v. Trix Rabbit v. Captain Falcon

March 31, 2011 Cock Wars No Comments

Whose johnson excels?

  • Jack Sparrow (52%, 12 Votes)
  • The Pikmin (26%, 6 Votes)
  • Captain Falcon (13%, 3 Votes)
  • Trix Rabbit (9%, 2 Votes)

Total Voters: 23

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Jack Sparrow (Newbs)

Image: Walt Disney.

Description: Jack Sparrow is the grooviest pirate to ever sail the high seas of confusing plot twists and irrelevant battles. His charm and wit have propelled him into the league of super-star womanizers. Over his impressive pirating career, Sparrow has managed to rack up a 10,001 guinea bounty and membership in the exclusive Brethren Court. Sparrow’s fighting style has lead even Wikipedia to note that his weaponry consists of “anything conceivable.”

Battle cry: Savvy?

The Pikmin (Newbs)

Image: Nintendo.

Description: Pikmin are small, plant-like creatures which live among the other small things of the world. Pikmin live in flying onions which also protect them from night-time dangers. When organized, Pikmin are capable of complex archaeological and construction jobs. Depending upon the specific race, Pikmin are capable of many different tasks. Some can carry bomb rocks, others can survive in water, some are capable of great strength, and some are even poisonous.

Pikmin come highly recommended as support staff following a spaceship crash.

Trix Rabbit (Weskimo)

Image: General Mills.

The tricksiest rabbit of them all, the Trix Rabbit hops circles around each and every box of Trix, just waiting for some poor kid to look away from his bowl of delicious fruity cereal for a couple of seconds. This dastardly bunny disguises himself with every manner of G-rated deceit imaginable in constant attempts to confuse and confound children aged 5-12. He even went so far as to place a fake mail-in plebiscite on boxes of cereal to trick kids into voting “yes” to allow the rabbit to eat Trix.

General Mills, confused by this, but sure that it must have been authorized somewhere along the corporate conga line of decision making, awarded the incredibly clumsy rabbit with a bowl of cereal. It turns out that Trix tastes like fruity victory.

What others are saying: “Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!”

Captain Falcon (Newbs)

Image: Nintendo.

Description: Falcon leads a double life as a bounty hunter and accomplished futuristic racer. His skin-tight blue uniform reveals a carefully sculpted raw and masculine muscle structure, with his nipples alone being the stuff of legend.

As a bounty hunter, the captain is as deadly off the tracks as he is on. His Falcon kicks and Falcon punches are understood by participants in fighting tournaments to be of special destructive power.

Battle cry: “Show me your moves!”

Cock Wars 2011: Return of the Johnson Nomination Request and FAQ

March 8, 2011 Cock Wars 8 Comments

Image: Star Wars Attack of the Clones. Lucasfilm.

Five years ago, I declared Cock Wars open for stupidity with the intention of running it annually for six years (based only on the fact that there are six proper Star Wars films with titles for me to parody). Well, we’re nearly there.

This is the very last year that you have to let your voices heard in the profound War of the Dicks. Post your nominations for contestants in the comments section below. Remember: no repeats from previous years allowed, and volunteering to write the description for your nomination greatly raises the chances of your competitor being accepted into the actual competition.

The first Cock Wars 2011 “polls” will open Thursday, March 31, 2011, and will run for exactly one week. This will go on every Thursday for a total of six weeks, when a champion will be declared.

That’s not all for Cock Wars this year, however, as Return of the Johnson will immediately be followed by Cock Wars: The Blown Wars. This will be a faster, 16-entrant competition featuring previous Cock Wars champions, near-champions, and disqualified candidates. After two weeks of this, an overall god will be declared, and I will at long last be freed of this childish distraction.

For the less familiar Cock Warriors, please read the FAQ which follows.

… Continue Reading

Cock Wars 2010 Summation

May 22, 2010 Cock Wars 1 Comment

Cock Wars 2010: The Dong Strikes Back began humbly, with an extended period of nominating which ultimately led to 64 noble contestants. From there, battlers entered in groups of four, and were eliminated three at a time. Noble warriors like Worf, Miyamoto, and Osaka were knocked out in the first round.

… Continue Reading

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