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Cock Wars 2011: Round #7: Quark v. Luke Skywalker v. Old Spice Guy v. Thomas Edison

April 7, 2011 Cock Wars No Comments

Whose johnson excels?

  • Old Spice Guy (65%, 15 Votes)
  • Luke Skywalker (17%, 4 Votes)
  • Quark (13%, 3 Votes)
  • Thomas Edison (4%, 1 Votes)

Total Voters: 23

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Quark (BloodLark)

Image: CBS Paramount.

Notable Contribution: Running the wonderful bar on DS9. Quark and Odo have an interesting adversarial friendship. Quark is always trying to pull off illegal get rich schemes and Odo tries to catch him. Quarks unusual loyalty and caring interferes with his profits. He has been known to pass up opportunities to save family. This trait is also why he is not in jail. It is better to have a thief you “trust” than one you can’t. He is also known for living religiously by the Rules of Acquisition.

Death: Data not found.

Quote: “The speed of technological advancement isn’t nearly as important as short term quarterly gains.”

Luke Skywalker (Newbs)

Image: Lucasfilm.

Description: Luke grew up knowing precious little about his family heritage. His father was Anakin Skywalker, who later became Darth Vader, pretty much the meanest dude in the galaxy. Once Luke met up with Vader’s old master, Obi-Wan Kenobi, things began to come together for him. He was able to shake out the infamous sand of his home planet and smack the Empire, along with his father, down all while becoming a Jedi.

Special moves: Switching off his targeting computer.

Old Spice Guy (MerrGe)

Image: Old Spice.

Description: “Hello, voters. Look at my competitors, now back to me, now back at my competitors, now back to me. Sadly, they aren’t me, but that’s all right because you can still vote for me. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re in front of a computer deciding between me and and some people who aren’t me. What’s in your hand? Back to me. It’s a mouse. You can use it to click and vote for me. Scroll up! Back down! Did you vote for me? You should. Why? Because I smell like Old Spice and I’m riding on a horse that’s made of diamonds.”

Special Moves: Smelling fantastic and doing the impossible

Battle Cry: “Swan Dive!”

Thomas Edison (BloodLark)

Image: Public domain.

Notable Contribution: Because he worked with telegraphs he nicknamed his first two kids Dot and Dash. He did invent things like the carbon microphone transmitter, the stock ticker, and the kinetoscope. He also designed the first commercial fluoroscope. Unfortunately, his first willing human guinea pig died from a lethal dose of radiation. He fortunately lost the “War of the Currents” to Tesla.

Questions: Do you know which invention Edison only bought the patents for and didn’t do himself?

Death: Died October 18th 1931 from diabetes.

Quote: “Anything that won’t sell, I don’t want to invent. Its sale is proof of utility, and utility is success.”

Cock Wars 2011: Round #5: Neo v. James Cameron v. Elrond v. Edward Norton

April 7, 2011 Cock Wars 1 Comment

Whose johnson excels?

  • Edward Norton (48%, 12 Votes)
  • Elrond (32%, 8 Votes)
  • Neo (20%, 5 Votes)
  • James Cameron (0%, 0 Votes)

Total Voters: 25

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Neo (Newbs)

Image: The Matrix Reloaded poster. Warner Bros.

Description: Put simply, Neo is the one. He is the human embodiment of Keanu Reeves, as well as humanity’s hope for the future.

Neo may have started out as hacker slacker Mr. Anderson, but following his encounters with Trinity and Morpheus, he rapidly developed into the machine melting destroyer of the Matrix.

Special moves: Bullet time.

Battle cry: “Whoah.”

James Cameron (BloodLark)

Notable Contribution: Cameron made the two highest grossing films of all time. His touch is movie gold. He also made Terminator, Rambo 2, Aliens, The Abyss, Terminator 2, True Lies, Titanic, and Avatar. Dear god this man has made so many sweet films. He is known for his temper and is notoriously difficult to work under.

Questions: Why are all his highest grossing films the worst written?

Death: Not there yet.

Quote: “People call me a perfectionist, but I’m not. I am a rightest. I do something until it is right, and then I move on to the next thing.”

Elrond (Newbs)

Image: Lord of the Rings. New Line Cinema.

Description: Elrond is the Lord of Rivendell, a position which puts him into a class of “mighty rulers of old that remained in Middle-earth in its Third Age” according to Wikipedia. He’s also over 6000 years old.

Elrond has seen some shit. He attended the Siege of Barad-dûr where Sauron was defeated and the One Ring was walked away with, much to his annoyance.

Special moves: Chillin’ with Bilbo.

Edward Norton (BloodLark)

Notable Contribution: Being a kick ass actor in movies like The Score, Fight Club, American History X, and The Illusionist. While he has been nominated for several awards for his acting he has never won an Oscar. Norton has been interested in acting from a very young age. He is willing to put in a lot of effort for a role; he put on 30lb of muscle for American History X.

Questions: How long did it take you to figure out his character in The Score?

Death: No death.

Quote: “Fame is very corrosive and you have to guard strictly against it.”

Cock Wars 2011: Round #6: Charlie Sheen v. Bumblebee v. Christina Hendricks v. Mons’s Goblin Raiders

April 7, 2011 Cock Wars No Comments

Whose johnson excels?

  • Charlie Sheen (48%, 10 Votes)
  • Christina Hendricks (24%, 5 Votes)
  • Bumblebee (19%, 4 Votes)
  • Mons's Goblin Raiders (10%, 2 Votes)

Total Voters: 21

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Charlie Sheen (MerrGe)

Description: Winning.

Memorable Quotes: “I got tiger blood, man.” “I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.” “I’m tired of pretending like I’m not special. I’m tired of pretending like I’m not bitchin’, a total freakin’ rock star from Mars.” “I’m bi-winning. I win here and I win there. Now what?” “I’ve got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time — and this includes naps — I’m an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground.” “That’s how I roll. And if it’s too gnarly for people, then buh-bye.” “I probably took more drugs than anyone could survive. I was banging seven-gram rocks, because that’s how I roll. I have one speed, I have one gear: Go.” “People are mystified by this odyssey that refuses to quit calling itself Charlie Sheen.” “I am battle-tested bayonets, bro.” “It’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee, because I don’t have time for these clowns.” “I have a disease? Bullshit. I cured it with my brain.”

Bumblebee (Weskimo)

Image: Bumblebee. Hasbro.

After the Decepticons all but took over Cybertron and the Autobots were down to resistance movement-type fighting, Bumblebee was among the first team of Autobots sent to Earth to secure a source of Energon. Standing 15 feet tall and weighing in at innumerable tons of space-metal car, this yellow robot can freaking rock the house.

Many of the Transformers transform into some extreme forms of overcompensating cock-waving. But not Bumblebee. He doesn’t need to be a fighter jet, a semi-truck, a tank, or a fucking dinosaur. This guy is a goddamn yellow Volkswagon Beetle. This is one Transformer who is comfortable with what he’s got ‘under the hood’.

Fiercely loyal and brave almost to a fault, Bumblebee continually throws himself into the fray to help his friends. He is often commissioned to play a messenger or scout role because of his relatively small size (as far as alien robots go) but you never see him running from a fight. Bumblebee’s tactics and sheer nerve have carried the Autobot forces to victory time and time again.

Christina Hendricks (Newbs)

Description: Christina Hendricks is a famed female actor of the modern era. Her best known TV appearance is as Joan Holloway in the hit drama Mad Men. She also played the character Saffron in two episodes of Firefly which rank as some of the hottest in television history.

Special moves: Taking over the internet every time she is photographed.

What others are saying: “Titties.” – Newbs

Mons’s Goblin Raiders (Weskimo)

Image: Wizards of the Coast.

4th Edition Magic the Gathering had no rival for the strength of the goblins. Often found hanging around with their orc cousins (remember orcs?), goblins were the backbone of any red deck, and Mons’s Goblin Raiders were the path to victory.

The fury of the goblins could not be contained by any army. There were just too many of them, and they all used goblin war drums to distract your defenders. Players the world over still wake up in cold sweats and stale fear, remembering the quaking terror they felt as they were crushed by wave after wave of 1/1 goblins.

Cock Wars 2011: Round #8: Hard Gay v. James K. Polk v. Lando Calrissian v. Samus Aran

April 7, 2011 Cock Wars 1 Comment

Whose johnson excels?

  • Lando Calrissian (41%, 9 Votes)
  • James K. Polk (27%, 6 Votes)
  • Samus Aran (18%, 4 Votes)
  • Hard Gay (14%, 3 Votes)

Total Voters: 22

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Razor Ramon Hard Gay (sulci)

Description: Hard Gay is a tight bodied Japanese man of impressive stature. His quest is noble: to perform acts of charity. This sometimes (always) leads to awkward situations as Hard Gay’s mission for social improvement also includes his black PVC fetish getup.

Special moves: Pelvic thrusting along to the sweet rhythm of Ricky Martin’s “Livin’ la Vida Loca.”

Famous lines: “HOOOOO!,” “Say say say!”

James K. Polk (badjokebob)

Image: Public domain.

Description: Polk was the eleventh President of the United States and he had big brass balls the size of honeydew melons as evidenced by the fact that he survived gallstone surgery at age seventeen with nothing but a little brandy as anesthetic.

As president, Polk was ballsy enough to threaten war with England until they agreed to split the Oregon territory. Polk then annexed Texas ignoring threats from Mexico which led to the Mexican-American war and the acquisition of the California territory.

It is definitely un-pc to glorify a bloodthirsty expansionist but without him Montana, Wyoming, Colorado, Oklahoma and Louisiana would be the western border of America.

Lando Calrissian (Newbs)

Image: Lucasfilm.

Description: This guy goes from being a politician pussy whipped by the Galactic Empire to a general in the Rebel Alliance and pilot of the Millennium Falcon during its run as Death Star destroyer in the span of a single standard year.

Special moves: Alter ego Billy Dee Williams urinating in the same bathroom as Newbs.

Famous lines: “They told me they fixed it! I trusted them to fix it! It’s not my fault!”

Samus Aran (Newbs)

Image: Nintendo.

Description: Samus is a bounty hunter who always seems to be on one mission or another when her ship gets blowed up and her armour suit wrecked. Then she’s on a different mission, looking for ways to juice up her suit and get the hell back to whatever she does for fun. Raising pet metroids or something.

Special moves: Screw attack.

Famous lines: Doesn’t have any.

Battle cry: Doesn’t need one.

Cock Wars 2011: Round #1: Q v.George Washington v. Barney Stinson v. Chewbacca

March 31, 2011 Cock Wars 2 Comments

Whose johnson excels?

  • Barney Stinson (39%, 9 Votes)
  • Chewbacca (26%, 6 Votes)
  • Q (Star Trek) (22%, 5 Votes)
  • George Washington (13%, 3 Votes)

Total Voters: 23

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Q (BloodLark)

Image: CBS Paramount.

Description: Introduced in the very first episode, “Encounter at Farpoint,” Q is an immortal and omnipotent alien from the race that makes up the Q Continuum.

He is the driving force behind the main story arch of Star Trek Next Generation. His humour and mischief brought about some of the most comical and memorable moments across three difference series of Star Trek. He once gave Riker the power of a Q and romantically pursued Janeway in Voyager.

Questions: What exactly is a Q?

Death: None, he’s immortal.

Quote: “He’s devious and amoral and unreliable and irresponsible and… and definitely not to be trusted.” Captain Jean-Luc Picard

George Washington (badjokebob)

Image: Public domain.

Description: Born in Virginia in 1732 he soon grew to a towering six foot two giant of a man in the day when five foot nine was considered tall. He survived a life and death struggle with the smallpox virus at age nineteen and went on to fight the French in the French and Indian war at the age of Twenty-two. During this time he learned the arts of war, leadership, bravery and persistence.

In 1775 he was appointed commander in chief of the continental army. He took the position knowing that the revolution was almost certainly doomed to failure and failure would mean disaster for him and his family. Washington lost many battles against the larger and better trained and equipped British army yet never surrendered and kept his army in the field until final victory in 1783. He then did the unthinkable by refusing the offered crown as George the First of America.

As the father of a country his cock must be totally awesome.

Barney Stinson (Weskimo)

Image: CBS.

What can you really say about Barney Stinson? He’s everything a man should be. He drinks every day, he sleeps three hours every night, and he has multiple sex partners. He’s doing everything right! Barney lives his life by the oldest and most sacred Code of all: The Bro Code. A strict Code dedicated to helping out other bros through thick and thin…unless, you know, he has got something going on at the time. The other bro can probably handle it.

Barney is famous for his mysterious corporate job, his totally awesome suits, and his almost inhuman skill at laser tag. But perhaps his most colossal accomplishment is the creation of “The Playbook”, a book where he has documented all of the “Plays” that bros can use pick up chicks. Some of the gems of this text include the “He’s Not Coming,” the “Ted Mosby,” and the incredibly involved “Scubadiver. ” Did you know he also doesn’t get sick? That’s right. Whenever he starts to feel sick, he just stops being sick and is awesome instead. True story.

Famous Lines: “Legen-wait for it…DARY!,” “Challenge accepted!,” “Haaaaaaaave you met Ted?,” “What UP!”

Battle Cry: “Suit up!”

Special Moves: Suiting up. Being awesome. Having had more than 200 sexual partners. High fives.

Chewbacca a.k.a. “Chewie” (Newbs)

Image: Lucasfilm.

Description: Chewbacca is the heroic co-pilot of the Millennium Falcon. His travels with infamous smuggler, Han Solo are the stuff of hairy legend. Chewie’s role in the Rebel Alliance was pivotal against the Empire. His achievements during that time include carrying C-3P0 around on his back, grunting, and commandeering an AT-ST walker.

Special moves: Violently spinning in Super Return of the Jedi.

Famous lines: “Warrrr waaaaarrrr waaaa”

What others are saying: “What a wookie!” – Supernova

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