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Cock Wars 2011: Round #13: Scryb Sprites v. Alice v. Hercules v. Steven Spielberg

April 21, 2011 Cock Wars No Comments

Whose johnson excels?

  • Alice (44%, 8 Votes)
  • Hercules (28%, 5 Votes)
  • Steven Spielberg (17%, 3 Votes)
  • Scryb Sprites (11%, 2 Votes)

Total Voters: 18

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Scryb Sprites (Weskimo)

Image: Wizards of the Coast.

Description: The Scryb are a tribe of Faeries that lurk in Dominaria’a forests, waiting. Just waiting. Sure, they are often seen flitting about, frolicking amongst the trees and leaves, but don’t be fooled. They’re just waiting for you. Yes, you. Don’t stop and gawk at their miniature motions. Don’t linger over their antics. They’re out to hurt you. For one damage. The funnier you think they are, the more they want to hurt you. So just keep on walking. That’s right. Don’t look at them. They’ll get you if you look at them.

Special Move: Throwing berries

Alice (Newbs)

Image: Screen Gems.

Description: Alice’s early career was spent working as a security officer for Umbrella Corporation. It was there that she was left to combat the rampaging hordes of zombies created by the company’s weapons experiments. Alice went on to bond with the T-Virus, growing vastly in power.

Following the destruction of humanity by Umbrella’s T-Virus, Alice went on to lead a rag-tag bunch of survivors against Umbrella’s ongoing nefarious plots while battling a never-ending supply of zombies and super-zombies.

Hercules (BloodLark)

Image: Public domain.

Origin: Son of Zeus and the mortal Alcmene.

Notable contribution: He Completed the Twelve Labours set by Eurystheus, joined with the Argonauts to get the Golden Fleece, and freed Prometheus. Throughout his life he had to contend with his Hera, she was just a bit pissed at Zeus’ infidelities. When given the option of a pleasant/easy life or a severe/glorious one he chose glory and definitely lived up to it.

Questions: Tate Donovan or Kevin Sorbo?

Death: Hercules voluntarily had himself burned on a pyre while still alive. The fire consumed his mortal flesh and with that loss he became a true god.

Quote: Once you have harpies you can’t get rid of them.

Steven Spielberg (MerrGe)

Image: Public domain.

Description: Undoubtedly one of the most influential film personalities in history, Steven Spielberg is perhaps Hollywood’s best known director and one of the wealthiest filmmakers in the world. Spielberg has countless big-grossing, critically acclaimed credits to his name, as producer, director and writer. Nominated for 6 Academy Awards for best director, and another 6 for best picture, as well as 10 Golden Glode nominations for best director, and another 3 for best picture. But I think his work really speaks for itself.

Some highlights include work on Indiana Jones (all of them), Jaws, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Back to the Future (all of them), Jurassic Park (all of them), Men in Black (both), Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Schindler’s List (which he apparently asked not to be paid for), Memoirs of a Geisha, Twister, Gremlins, Saving Private Ryan, and Transformers (but we can forgive him for that one). His work also includes family fair like Balto, Animaniacs, Pinky and the Brain, Batteries Not Included, An American Tail (and Fieval Goes West), Hook, ET, and The Land Before Time.

I mean really, what more do you want from one man?

Cock Wars 2011: Round #11: The Dude v. Saruman v. Starscream v. C-3P0 & R2D2

April 14, 2011 Cock Wars No Comments

Whose johnson excels?

  • Saruman (36%, 8 Votes)
  • Starscream (32%, 7 Votes)
  • C-3P0 & R2D2 (18%, 4 Votes)
  • The Dude (14%, 3 Votes)

Total Voters: 22

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The Dude (Newbs)

Image: Universal Studios.

Description: Put simply, The Dude abides. Jeffrey “The Dude” Lebowski is a skilled bowler, and an even finer slacker. His laid-back attitude towards life has helped him endure hardships like the ruination of his rug, the death of his close friend, and involvement in a complex embezzlement scheme.

The Dude’s legacy lives on in the religion which his life inspired, known as Dudeism.

Battle cry: “Well that’s just, like, uhh… your opinion, man.”

Saruman (Newbs)

Image: New Line Cinema.

Description: Saruman the White came to Middle-earth as the head of Istari, a group of five wizards sent by the Valar to combat Sauron. Of the five, four failed in their tasks, but perhaps none harder than Saruman. Instead of screwing off like the blue wizards, or playing with animals like the brown wizard, Saruman actually teamed up with Sauron to really screw with The Fellowship and its allies.

What others are saying: “Tell me, ‘friend,’ when did Saruman the Wise abandon reason for madness?” – Gandalf

Starscream (Weskimo)

Image: Hasbro.

Description: Starscream is Megatron’s right hand man and arguably the second most powerful Decepticon in operation. He fiercely subscribes to the rule of “survival of the fittest” and is one damn highly ambitious alien robot.

Constantly looking for an angle to wrest control of the Decepticon forces from Megatron’s clutches, he also possesses an intense hatred for the Autobots and their allies, and uses that hatred to fuel his attacks upon them. Transforming into a fighter jet, he rains spite-charged rage upon his foes, delivering a destruction entreé with a side of cruelty to any in his bombing run’s path.

C-3P0 & R2D2 (Newbs)

Image: Lucasfilm.

Description: Of the many famous tag-teams in cinema history, perhaps none stand taller than the whining C-3P0 and his robust little companion R2-D2. C-3P0 began life as an engineering experiment by the eventual Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader. R2-D2 started out as a Naboo defense forces astromech droid, but went on to carry the designs of the Death Star within his rusty innards, a role which eventually became vital to the defeat of the Empire.

What others are saying: “Never tell me the odds!” – Han Solo

Cock Wars 2011: Round #9: Count Chocula v. Andrew Jackson v. Joanna Dark v. Natalie Portman

April 14, 2011 Cock Wars 2 Comments

Whose johnson excels?

  • Natalie Portman (65%, 13 Votes)
  • Count Chocula (15%, 3 Votes)
  • Andrew Jackson (15%, 3 Votes)
  • Joanna Dark (5%, 1 Votes)

Total Voters: 20

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Count Chocula (Weskimo)

Image: General Mills

Description: Everyone’s favorite chocolate-loving vampire, Count Chocula, ruled the General Mills cereal lineup with an iron-bucktoothed-grin for the better part of two decades.

This guy had cereal mascotting down to a damn science. Monster: check. Sugary delicious cereal: check. Cult appeal: check. The man even got the Jewish communities up in arms over a medallion on the box that supposedly resembled the Star of David, so religious controversy: check. This prick was the original pop culture vampire, he didn’t need to be a sparkly pedophile vampire to get chicks, he stuck with the tried and true method of chocolate. It’s rumored he keeps a Toblerone in his pocket, if you know what I mean…

Famous Lines: “I vant to eat your cereal”

What others are saying: “Who the fuck is Count Chocula?”

Andrew Jackson (badjokebob)

Image: Public domain.

Description: Old Hickory was born in 1767 three weeks after his father died. His miserable childhood during the American revolution also featured the death of his two brothers and mother all in war related deaths. After being captured by the British he refused to polish an officers boots and was slashed at with a sword leaving him scarred for life.

For some reason little Andy grew up hating the British with a passion. During (technically it was just after) the war of 1812 the future 7th president of the United States kicked British ass so hard they never dared fight us in a war ever again. A few years later, after being ordered to fight Seminole Indians in Georgia he “accidentally” took Florida from the Spanish.

Jackson was not only a brilliant general but he was also a barroom brawler and duelist. He killed a dozen or so (records are incomplete) men that way. He won the plurality of votes for president in 1824 however his congressional enemies gave the top slot to the son of a former president (seems that some things never change). Instead of pouting and growing a beard Jackson fought back and took what was rightfully his four years later.

Bonus stats: +5 vrs. Britons. +3 duelist.

Joanna Dark (Newbs)

Image: Rare/Microsoft.

Description: Carrington Institute Agent Joanna Dark is a force to be reckoned with for any unnamed corporate henchman. Her work against the dataDyne corporation and its concerning conspiracies with alien forces has earned her a worthy reputation as mass-murderer.

Special moves: Circle-strafing with pistols in Felicity.

What others are saying: “Goodnight, Ms. Dark.” – Cassandra De Vries

Natalie Portman (Newbs)

Description: Natalie Portman is a famed American/Israeli actor who has gained reputations for: being hot, being a terrible actor in Star Wars, being a decent actor in other things, and frequently using an awful fake English accent.

Natalie’s big screen debut came in the 1994 film Léon, which everyone should see because it is awesome.

Battle cry: “I will sign no treaty, Senator.”

Famous lines: “To drink and fight… to fuck all night.” – Natalie on SNL.

Cock Wars 2011: Round #10: Sheldon Cooper v. Mountain Goat v. Peter Jackson v. Pikachu

April 14, 2011 Cock Wars No Comments

Whose johnson excels?

  • Sheldon Cooper (48%, 13 Votes)
  • Peter Jackson (26%, 7 Votes)
  • Pikachu (15%, 4 Votes)
  • Mountain Goat (11%, 3 Votes)

Total Voters: 27

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Sheldon Cooper (Weskimo)

Image: CBS.

Description: Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper, B.S, M.S, M.A, Ph.D, Sc.D, is possibly the smartest man ever fictionally created. Armed with a fully eidetic memory, a healthy distaste for human contact, and an undeniable sense of self-worth, Shelldor, level 85 Blood Elf, dominates his small social group with his intelligence and unassailable stubbornness. It’s often questioned why the group lets him get his way but the consensus is that it would be more work than it’s actually worth to argue with him.

Sheldon’s extremely high IQ of 187 leads him to lead an exceptionally logical, though egocentric, life. Despite this, his complete social ineptitude and tendency to bluntly speak his mind often get him into disagreements with friends, family, and the service industry. He also possesses any number of strange personal idiosyncrasies that leave him in conflict with the rest of the human world. These include germophobia, an obsessive attachment to routines, and a barely functional understanding of sarcasm, irony, or basic human emotion.

All of that being said, Sheldon’s not crazy; his mother had him tested.

Likes: The Comic Book Store. Spock. Trains.

Dislikes: Being interrupted or ignored. Friends bickering. Wil Wheaton.

Famous Lines: “That’s my spot.” “In the winter that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm, and yet not so close as to cause perspiration. In the summer, it’s directly in the path of a cross-breeze created by opening windows there and there. It faces the television at an angle that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide as to create a parallax distortion. I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point.”
“Oh, Mario. How I wish I could control everyone the way I can with you… Hop, you little plumber! Hop, hop, hop!” “Bazinga!”

Mountain Goat (Weskimo)

Image: Wizards of the Coast.

Description: The Mountain Goat’s power among 5th Edition Magic: the Gathering is legendary. He goes where he will, hits who he will, and delivers righteous horny thunder on unsuspecting opponents.

He doesn’t need sharp teeth, he doesn’t need battlefield dominating abilities, and he sure as hell doesn’t need your other bullshit creatures crowding him. Let the Goat do his damn thing and mountainwalk all over the fucking place.

Peter Jackson (MerrGe)

Image: Peter Jackson's Facebook page.

Description: One of only 7 directors who have won Best Picture, Best Director, and Best Screenplay (Orig/Adapted) for the same film. Formerly known for directing a bunch of horror movies, but all you really need to know is that he is responsible for the three Lord of the Rings movies. I mean really, what more do you want?

Special move: Losing 50 pounds

Quotes: “Don’t worry. Gollum isn’t going to be another Jar Jar Binks.”

What others are saying: “I always trusted him. If there was a way that I had seen something and he had seen it differently, I would… trust his vision. We were in brilliant hands.” – Elijah Wood

Pikachu (Newbs)

Image: Nintendo.

Description: Among the literally hundreds of Pokémon species which exist, the Pikachu has risen to be the most well known, and among the millions of Pikachus, the one known as “Pikachu,” whose master is Ash Ketchum, has become the lone animal in the universe most desired by Team Rocket.

All of this is for good reason. The thousands of hours of anime which Pikachu has starred in demonstrate that he is of a level beyond the cap. His electrical blasting powers are above those that maxed-out stats should allow.

Battle cry: “Piiikaaaaaachuuuuuuuuuu!”

Cock Wars 2011: Round #12: Boba Fett v. Odo v. Richard Castle v. Ralph Fiennes

April 14, 2011 Cock Wars No Comments

Whose johnson excels?

  • Boba Fett (38%, 8 Votes)
  • Odo (29%, 6 Votes)
  • Richard Castle (29%, 6 Votes)
  • Ralph Fiennes (5%, 1 Votes)

Total Voters: 21

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Boba Fett (Newbs)

Image: Lucasfilm.

Boba Fett had a hard childhood. He is a clone who was raised by Jango Fett as a son. This sole source of positive emotional connection was ended by the loose canon Mace Windu during the Clone Wars when Boba was still a child, a murder by decapitation which Boba witnessed firsthand. Fett went on to be a fearsome bounty hunter himself, tracking the Millennium Falcon for the Empire and later taking the frozen-in-carbonite Han Solo to Jabba the Hutt to collect a bounty.

Odo (BloodLark)

Image: CBS Paramount.

Origin: As a young Changeling he was shot out into space, he was then discovered in 2337.

Notable Contribution: Being a Changeling, one of Odo’s favourite pastimes is shifting into different objects, creatures, and surfaces. Every 16 hours Odo must return to his liquid state and prefers to relax in his bucket. As Chief of Security both under the Cardassian Occupation and Federation administration Odo is well known for being reliable and very good at his job. Odo has a long-time rival in Quark, the fact that Odo knows that Quark is always up to something is part of what makes Quark a good source of criminal information. Odo had a fairly active love life, he married Lwaxana Troi, had a fling with a female shape shifter, and had a long time crush but short time relationship with Kira NeNerys.

Questions: Just exactly how well can he shift (if you know what I mean)?

Death: Returned to the Great Link in 2375

Quote: “Laws change depending on who’s making them, but justice is justice.”

Richard Castle (BloodLark)

Image: ABC.

Notable Contribution: Writing such wonderful books as Storm Rising and Storm’s Break. He has been recently working on books starring his inspired character Nicky Heat. While having a teenage daughter and two previous marriages, Castle is still quite the lady’s man. He also tends to still have flings with his first ex-wife, whom he refers to as a “deep fried Twinkie.” Castle got permission to work with the police to help inspire his next set of novels. At first Beckett resents this paring but over time grows to appreciate Castle’s inventive and unusual way at looking at murders.

Questions: Has anyone read Heat Wave?

Death: To be determined

Quote: Did you know in the original Greek, “tragedy” literally means “goat song”? I know, doesn’t make any sense to me either, but whatever that first story was, I can’t help but think, bad things must have happened to that goat…

Ralph Fiennes (BloodLark)

Origin: Born 1962.

Notable Contribution: Been in fantastic and critically acclaimed movies like Schindler’s List, The English Patient, Red Dragon, and the Harry Potter series. He has also been in a couple bombs like The Avengers and Maid in Manhattan. He is well known for playing deep characters. Unfortunately, while he has been nominated several times he has yet to win an Academy Award.

Questions: What will he do after Harry Potter?

Death: Yay not yet!

Quote: “I’m sure acting is a deeply neurotic thing to do.”

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