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Cock Wars: Round #17: Barney Stinson v. Princess Leia v. Nikola Tesla v. Jack Sparrow

April 28, 2011 Cock Wars 3 Comments

Whose johnson excels?

  • Princess Leia (32%, 9 Votes)
  • Barney Stinson (29%, 8 Votes)
  • Jack Sparrow (25%, 7 Votes)
  • Nikola Tesla (14%, 4 Votes)

Total Voters: 28

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Image: CBS.

Image: Lucasfilm.

Image: Public domain.

Image: Walt Disney.


Cock Wars: Round #18: Edward Norton v. Charlie Sheen v. Old Spice Guy v. Lando Calrissian

April 28, 2011 Cock Wars 2 Comments

Whose johnson excels?

  • Old Spice Guy (47%, 9 Votes)
  • Edward Norton (21%, 4 Votes)
  • Charlie Sheen (16%, 3 Votes)
  • Lando Calrissian (16%, 3 Votes)

Total Voters: 19

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Image: Old Spice.

Image: Lucasfilm.


Cock Wars 2011: Round #16: Donkey Kong v. Mega Man v. Abraham Lincoln v. Emperor Palpatine

April 21, 2011 Cock Wars No Comments

Whose johnson excels?

  • Abraham Lincoln (45%, 10 Votes)
  • Emperor Palpatine (27%, 6 Votes)
  • Donkey Kong (18%, 4 Votes)
  • Mega Man (9%, 2 Votes)

Total Voters: 22

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Donkey Kong (Newbs)

Image: Nintendo.

Description: Donkey Kong is a massive gorilla with two interests: bananas and women. His adventures related to those two things fuel the joy of humanity. Once, long ago, the 800 pound behemoth kidnapped a young woman named Pauline. A stout plumber named Mario was forced to come to her rescue, and thus modern video games were born. More recently, Kong has repeatedly had his banana horde stolen by various evil animal forces, giving an excuse for much joyous platforming to be had.

Mega Man (Newbs)

Image: Capcom.

Description: Mega Man is an android of moderate strength who frequently (very frequently) builds himself into a state of astounding power through the harvest of upgrades from various robotic threats. Mega Man began life as a mere android before being converted into a fighting robot for the purpose of defeating the evil Dr. Wily’s nefarious machinations.

Abraham Lincoln (badjokebob)

Image: Public domain.

Description: “Honest” Abe Lincoln was the sixteenth president and he engaged in the ultimate pissing contest with Jefferson Davis. As a child he grew up in the raw frontier of America learning hard work and self sufficiency, his log splitting abilities are legendary. Abe was a Captain of militia during the Black Hawk War, he said they “lost more blood to mosquitoes than Indians” Despite this poor showing he was soon the president of a country at war with itself. As Commander in Chief he walked a fine line between trampling the rights of all Americans and ending the institution of slavery in America. He was able to keep a large and well supplied army in the field long enough for a General to figure out what to do with it.

Quote: Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the Earth.

Emperor Palpatine (Newbs)

Image: Lucasfilm.

Description: Emperor Palpatine, also known as Darth Sidious, is an especially devious Dark Lord of the Sith who manipulated his way through the ranks of the Republic and was ultimately elected President. From that position, he was able to orchestrate a manufactured war with a manufactured threat and convince the senate to appoint him Emperor.

As Emperor, Palpatine ruled with viciousness and malice, caring for nothing but his own power. Palpatine dissolved the Imperial Senate and believed he could maintain control through fear alone. It was a good plan, and he would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling rebels. The Emperor had no issue with annihilating entire planets in order to keep his Empire under control.

Palpatine’s force powers were likely the greatest of the modern era. He concealed the fact that he was a Dark Lord from the entire Jedi order during his rise to power, and defeated Yoda himself in a lightsaber duel.

Cock Wars 2011: Round #14: Garak v. Dexter Morgan v. Dr. Cal Lightman v. Queen Amidala

April 21, 2011 Cock Wars 1 Comment

Whose johnson excels?

  • Dexter Morgan (35%, 8 Votes)
  • Garak (30%, 7 Votes)
  • Queen Amidala (26%, 6 Votes)
  • Dr. Cal Lightman (9%, 2 Votes)

Total Voters: 23

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Garak (BloodLark)

Image: CBS Paramount.

Origin: If you ask you’ll get a different answer.

Notable contribution: Garak is possibly one of the most influential individuals of DS9. At first seeming just a simple tailor, rumours of his rather important past would occasionally pop up. Eventually he was revealed to be the son and protégé of Enabran Tain, the head of the Obsidian Order. Forced into exile he had a brief relationship with Gul Dukat’s daughter. Then during the Dominion war, at the behest of Sisko, he assassinated a Romulan Senator to make sure the Romulans would not join with the Dominion. This action helped Starfleet to win the Dominion war.

Questions: Would you have lunch with him?

Death: Classified.

Quote: The truth is usually just an excuse for lack of imagination.

Dexter Morgan (Weskimo)

Image: Showtime.

Description: Dexter Morgan is a sociopath with an undeniable need to kill. He needs to feel those last shuddering breaths of his victims, see that shocked look in their eyes, and bear witness to their sudden violent demise. But Dexter is no ordinary serial killer. He may have no conscience, he may have very little in the way of humanity, but he possesses an extremely strong survival instinct, and so follows his Code for choosing victims as an integral part in never getting caught.

The differences in Dexter’s mind were quickly recognized by his foster father, a police officer frustrated at watching the law protect the guilty and the guilty walk free. And so, he curbed Dexter’s need towards fulfilling a purpose: Justice. Dexter’s Code forces him to hunt and kill only those he can prove are guilty of murder themselves. All his life, Dexter has honed his skills to be the most capable killer he could be, taking courses in advanced jiu-jitsu to better subdue his targets and even working as a forensics analyst for the police.

Efficient, deadly, and exceptionally good at cleaning up after himself, Dexter’s victims never see his attacks coming. He, however, will take some time to discuss the crimes of the accused with them after they have been restrained. His Kill Rooms are designed to have significance, meaning. He uses the backdrop to highlight to his prey the reason they have been chosen and remind them that they brought their deaths upon themselves.

What Others Are Saying: “You give me the fucking creeps, you know that Dexter?” – Sergeant Doakes

Special Moves: Murder, pretending to not be a murderer.

Dr. Cal Lightman (BloodLark)

Image: Fox.

Origin: A Brit

Notable contribution: Dr.Lighman is a rather large arsehole who is an expert at reading people’s body language. Specifically he excels in reading the micro expressions of someone’s face. It is thought these expressions reveal what you are truly thinking. Cal uses this ability to aid clients, solve crimes, and torment his employees.

Questions: Would you want someone to read your face?

Death: Bloody hell not yet.

Quote: Truth or happiness. Never both.

Queen Amidala (Newbs)

Image: Lucasfilm.

Description: Queen Padmé Amidala was a strong proponent of democracy during her position as senator for Naboo (how a queen can be in favour of democracy, I have no idea). During this time she was foolishly seduced by rape-face Anakin Skywalker who won her over by telling her she was better than sand.

Amidala died of grief (as happens so often to women in fiction I’ve discovered) shortly after the rise of Emperor Palpatine. She just managed to pump out two kids with Anakin though, whose names are Luke and Leia. They ultimately proved that their mother’s life was not a total waste.

Battle cry: “I will sign no treaty, Senator.”

Cock Wars 2011: Round #15: Scarlett Johansson v. Toucan Sam v. Eowyn v. Gary Oldman

April 21, 2011 Cock Wars No Comments

Whose johnson excels?

  • Gary Oldman (44%, 8 Votes)
  • Eowyn (22%, 4 Votes)
  • Scarlett Johansson (17%, 3 Votes)
  • Toucan Sam (17%, 3 Votes)

Total Voters: 18

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Scarlett Johansson (Newbs)

Image: Public domain.

Description: Scarlett Johansson is an accomplished American actor who has appeared in two of my favourite movies: Ghost World and Lost in Translation. When she’s not appearing in beautifully melancholy films, she likes to be a political and anti-poverty activist.

ScarJo’s other interests include singing and twice-annual HIV tests.

Toucan Sam (Weskimo)

Image: Kellogg's.

Famous lines: “Follow your nose!”

Éowyn (Newbs)

Image: New Line Cinema.

Description: Éowyn is the niece of King Théoden and a shieldmaiden of Rohan. She grew depressed following her father’s death at the hand of orcs, and her mother’s subsequent death-by-grief. As Éowyn is female and a member of nobility, she was unable to avenge these deaths for a long time, forced instead to look after her sickly uncle while being stalked by the woefully unattractive Gríma Wormtongue.

Eventually, Rohan was able to cast out the evil influence of Saruman, and with it her uncle’s illness. Rohan ultimately went to war against the dark forces of Sauron, where Éowyn herself was able to sneak into battle. Tag-teaming with Merry, Éowyn was able to take down the Witch King of Angmar himself, of whom it was said no man could kill.

Battle cry: “I am no man.”

Gary Oldman (BloodLark)

Image: IMG_5478. CC-BY.

Origin: Born 1958 in Britain.

Notable contribution: He is one of the greatest and easily transformed actors. He is the actor that half the time you don’t even realize it’s him. He’s played characters in movies such as The Fifth Element, Air Force One, Hannibal, Harry Potter, and newest Batman movies. Every one of us will always remember him as Zorg, and the youngsters will remember him as Sirius Black. Seeing his name in the credits of any movie almost guarantees an incredible film. P.S. he was married to Uma Thurman for a while, weird.

Questions: Zorg or Sirius?

Death: Nope.

Quote: “Any actor who tells you that they have become the people they play, unless they’re clearly diagnosed as a schizophrenic, is bullshitting you.”

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